Ok... so, what do you think about the short letter that I posted above to send?

How is mailing him a check breaking Plan B? The only thing in the envelope would be a check.

'My suggestion is that she send a short email just saying she made a mistake by contacting him this weekend and needs to cut off all contact until he agrees to her conditions to tell her the full truth and pass a polygraph.'

follow melody's suggestion above.

don't put anything about how it's clear he doesn't want to work on things. that is a provocation for more dialogue. as was the letter you sent yesterday about him finding himself. you want to shut the dialogue off, at least on your end.

just let him know it was a mistake and what what he needs as a next step (pass a poly).

in other words.

WH, I made a mistake by contacting you last week so I'm back to no contact until you take and pass a polygraph. All communication can go through IM between now and then.

A quick idea here.

Add to the above note

"should you forgets get confused, misunderstand, loose yourself, destroy paper in the washing machine or anything else that may happen to make you forget what I need from you in order to consider reconciliation and working on our marriage please feel free to contact the IM who will be happy to supply you with the list of requirements and things that I need from you to rebuild our marriage."

Give your IM a copy of the plan B letter and the requirements and he will have to deal with her rather than you every time he pulls one of his fogged out misunderstanding bull he likes to confuse you with.

Wow this creep managed to find and use all his braincells when it came to perusing other women and dropping his pants but when it comes to doing anything useful he sure likes to play dumb.

starfish I am rooting for you and your marriage but I need to warn you in advance, that it is far worse to brake plan B for a second time because if you back down again there is NO HOPE of getting anywhere with this guy and I would suggest you go for a divorce and forget the whole recovery thing.

Ill repeat again because it is a serious point - if you brake plan B again you will loose any hope of getting any kind of decent marriage and therefore it would be better to just file for divorce.

You needplan B for him because you need to let go of him and allow him to hit rock bottom so he will never ever ever do this to you again and be an honest ,faithful man.

You need plan B for you so you can heal and get control of your life in order to be in a strong healthy position for reconciliation.

And you need plan B for your marriage because it allows you to preserve any feeling you have left for each other, you can't lb him and he can't lb you.

Plan B is healthy whichever way you want to look at it. So please get yourself organised go dark and stay there.

good luck

Agreed, she is queen B.

Had I been able to get on earlier, this is what I would have suggested as well. THis is the best option.

How is mailing a check to him DIRECTLY a breach in Plan B? Well, you tell him that he will not be able to communicate with you in any way, and then you BREAK it. You could mail it to someone else(no not his roommate), and have them pass it on to him(This is what I do, whenever there is something hard copy that needs to be passed, but this is RARELY). This leaves it open that HE will also mail YOU something. You know, since you have allowed that in the past. Shore up that Plan B. Make it TIGHT. You need to do an even better job than last time, since you broke. He will be expecting you to break again. Expect him to lob BOMBS at you this time.

You CAN do this. You will just need to get through the withdrawal phase, and then you will have to control YOU.

Thank you. I am not the only one here who knows what to do though. It takes a village, and remember, I had a lot of help. Some of which came from ML. She is definitely a GREAT support for Plan B. Take her advice always.

You are long past due to enter PB. I thought you would have entered it last Friday, when he didn't do anything towards saving your marriage.

Your WH is blowing a lot of hot air. He is all, ME ME ME ME. That's why it is important for you to get outta there.

Thank you!!! I will make arrangements to mail anything to a co-worker in his office that can give it to him.

Today was rough, but I saw my therapist this morning and she is helping me to put precautions in place at work.

I need to change my cell phone #, which I'll check into tomorrow.

I'm not going to give in this time! I will be coming here when I'm experiencing withdraws for support!!! I know I deserve better than the way I've been treated and I'm doing my best to be strong this time! Maybe the anger is happening at the right time for me, because it's helping me to stay strong for now. My therapist believes that the sadness will come later for me. I haven't experienced sadness yet... She said it sometimes comes later in the grieving process.

The mailings will be few and far between right? I think I have mailed things to my orig IM about 5 times in 2.5 YEARS. NOT monthly. That would be craziness. You'll need to get this figured out more permanently. As long as you have his account info, you can deposit the money directly into his account. See, this is a hole in your PB. I can envision you checking up the cheque and seeing his signature, or the date he cashed it, and think about him. That is NOT where you want your thoughts traveling while you are in PB.

Wow this creep managed to find and use all his braincells when it came to perusing other women and dropping his pants but when it comes to doing anything useful he sure likes to play dumb.

- bravo.
(P.S. - It takes a very strong memory to be a professional liar. Don't kid yourself that he is uncertian of what you are and have been asking of him. He knows. He just wants to ignore your requests and STILL get what he wants.)

SF;
If you will feel better about sending him another communication before going into plan B, do so as advised.

You are not saying anything new or more inportant than last time, and you both know it. All this drama about it is only hurting your LB. WH does not care the duress you are putting yourself through. Remeber that.

You should not send him direct communications (letters, texts, calls, skype -other account statements) because it puts WH back front and center in YOUR MIND.

I know you can do this. Good Luck to you.

Scottys advice re mailing checks has brought up stuff I hadn't considered. Mailing a check to him doesn't meet a need, but yes he could (and will) turn it into an invitation to mail things back to you.

She also makes a great point about how his activity with the checks will trigger you. Having been in plan B I can tell you that the more robotic and automatic your financial transactions are the better. What if he were to deposit a cheque from a romantic vacation spot, knowing you would see it? These are the kind of stunts waywards pull all the time to get you to break.



Glad to hear it. I know at the height of withdrawal I was so tempted to call WH. I seriously considered tying myself up to prevent it. I wanted to hear his voice and I wanted that short term hit so badly that I didn't even care what he would say. Coming on here helped me not do something stupid.

I would get a RL accountabilty too. Is there someone in your life you can call up, tell them you might do somethin stupid? My sister and mother both offered to be 'on call' if I was feeling weak so they could come around and help.

What does RL stand for?

I think she mean Real Life.

Ok, thank you! I think it's a great idea and have many family and friends that can help me when the going gets tough!

Absolutely. Just because you're strong it doesn't mean you should ignore your best assests in life, friends and family. Use them!

Day 1 in Plan B went surprisingly well. Spent most of the morning/afternoon with my sister. This definitely helped to keep my mind busy!!!

I made arrangements to deposit money for my portion of the bills directly into WH's account per the advice here.

My LB is definitely low in coins right now...
I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow to seek advice.

Question for those that went into Plan B:
Did you ever feel that your marriage was just an illusion of what you wanted it to be? I'm starting to feel that I wanted to believe that my WH was everything I ever wanted, painted this picture of him and our lives... so, was it real or just an illusion that I created in my mind? Did I overlook all of the defects and flaws, because I believed in the illusion of the perfect husband and life? I hope this is making sense...?

It definitely makes sense. You're going to find yourself reflecting on the relationship a lot.

Keep busy. Amp up the self care. Connect with your supporters. Stick with plan b because you'll start to feel amazingly better if you can ride out the first phase of withdrawal.

There's grief happening. You're in mourning for the marriage you thought you had. This is normal, so be kind to yourself as you move through it.

Thank you so much for understanding...
This is going to be so hard and I realize that, but I know that I need to get back all of the things I lost in myself and somehow find ME again! I miss ME!!! I wish there was an easier way to go through all of this as it wasn't my choice. Hopefully, I will learn some very valuable lessons along the way. I'm trying to find something inspirational to tape to my bathroom mirrors. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know.

I'm going to attempt a yoga class on Thursday evening. I love yoga and haven't been in weeks!

Yoga is great. Lots of stuff like that. Stay busy and active.

This process is going to make you stronger and wiser.