My H has been back for 5 weeks now. Things have been really great. He has totally come clean with everything, I mean everything. Alot of what he told me hurt especially the internet affair that went on while i was at work and the trip he took to NY. I'm just really thankful for the honesty. We both learned some really valuable lessons through all of this, the most important being that we really love eachother alot. I really have forgiven him and reaaly feel no anger towards him. I still do have a hard time forgetting though. Visions of him and her together are in my thoughts alot. That feeling of hurt still is there. I'm really scared that if I don't somehow deal with these feelings I'm going to start to become bitter and that will do neither of us any good.<BR>Any ideas on how I should go about getting rid of these feelings? I spoke to my counselor but I just wasn't satisfied with her answers. You guys are the experts!

Glad you are doing so well, but it is so early, don't think you can get off the ride so quickly. If you read any of the affair books, it says getting over the affair for the betrayed takes about the length of time it took for betrayer to get into and out of affair themselves. I have also read it can take two years before things are normal. For my H's brief emotional affair, I still feel waves of grief and pain, but they are further and further apart.<P>I believe you need to feel what you feel, but be committed to not feeling this way forever. In other words, don't ignore what you feel or feel you shouldn't be feeling a particular way...you have legitimate anger and grief to deal with...but work it though instead of letting it become bitterness.<P>Review some of the Forgiveness Workbook threads and if you think it would be helpful, consider getting The Choosing to Forgive Workbook by Les Carter and Minirth, or another forgiveness book.<P>Forgiveness or healing is not just a proclaimation, but a very personal journey.<P>I'm glad it is going so well.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Most of us have been trough that. ANd it's not easy.<BR>I found that it comes to a point where we have to make a decision to not think about it anymore ( easier said than done right ) however it has to happen. WE have to choose to let go, can't just wait until it goes away by itself.<P>You recognize the dangers of keeping it alive if only in your thoughts, now you just have to make the decision. Anytime one of those mental figures or thoughts pops out in your head, kill it. Do something else, sing a song, read a book, pinch yourself something to stop the flow. Concentrate on the positive things happening in your marriage, understand that it happened and what happened cannot be changed but what comes from now on can be controlled.Feel some control, knowing that you can now apply all you learned from the situation and are able to work together so it won't ever happen again.Get that self-confidence up - do something that makes you feel and look really good - The more confident you are in your relationship the less those thoughts will haunt you.<BR>It hasn't been that long, and time will help too. But it will come, probably like with many of us, what of the blue and as a surprise.<P>I'm not going to lie to you, even thought we are now doing great every once in a while, a thought about the past pops in, but it's not damaging anymore and it doesn't hurt anymore.<P>Give it a try Make the choice <P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

No, advice, Jill. You're doing great! Just give yourself some more time.<P>I'm so proud of you guys!!!<P>Lori

Write you feelings and thought in a journal. You need to release those feelings somehow I found that is a great way. I didn't this when I first found out about the affair. H is with the OW but I am dealing with the emotions and forgetting much better. I wrote in ti constantly at first and now I don't write in it at all. No I haven't forgotted but they are not so had to handle anymore plus if things get bad I vent here. It does take time so hang in there. Good Luck!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Wow, this goes to show how different people can work toward the same goal.<P>One other thing I implied, but did not state. I think healing the marriage is not quite the same as personal healing.<P>One would hope that your H continues to be fully cooperative in healing the marriage together.<P>However, he can certainly support and encourage you, but he can't not actually heal you personally. It all goes back to you can not control another's feelings or actions. When I said work throught the grief and anger, I didn't mean to hash out every feeling or in any way try to punish H. I do think it helps for H to understand how deep the pain is, but you just can't expect anyone to make it go away. That's where the journey gets personal...and that's why you have to decide how to best embark on yours.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13