Read this awesome thread that Melodylane put together and should help.

Exposure 101

Great letter! Just perfect. Dignified, classy and completely unafraid. Not a psycho, jealous wife in sight!


Don't do that, its not for him! He KNOWS he's having an affair! Don't mention it to him, and be very laconic when he quizzes you about it.

The day of exposure, speak to some of your key exposure targets. Tell them you would greatly appreciate it if they would call your WH and tell him personally of their disapproval and support for you. Ask them to urge him to stop his adulterous behaviour.

Even if NO ONE does, he will hear tell of it with lightning speed.

Then he will bounce around spitting fury, and hoping to intimidate you.

This is where your fewer-syllables-the-better replies come in.

You TOLD everyone!!!!!!!!

Well, what did you think I would do?

Its our private business, our marriage problems have nothing tyo do with OW!!!!!!!!!

I will not help you hide your adultery

OR

Yes, adultery is extremely damaging to a marriage.

No one believes you anyway!!!!!!

People can make up their own minds.

There is no chance for us now!! I was going to give us a second chance but you can FORGET it now!!!

I did this to save our marriage

OR

Yes, continued lies will end our marriage.

Also read this to learn what to expect from your angry WH after the exposure. There are some great tools and lines to learn what to say when you get confronted by him.

Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A

You're a natural! Great letter!

Nope, don't tell him. It will have the greatest impact when he finds out on his own....again and again and again.

In the space of minutes, the A will suddenly become an uncomfortable place to be. He's not going to give it up that fast, and will continue trying to recapture the fun and thrill of it for some time. But the important thing is, the fun will be GONE.

One of my favorite responses is to say calmly, "I want to save our M and our family." And whenever he says he wants a D, simply answer, "I do marriage, not divorce."

WS's have a short attention span, so you'll have to repeat that more than once, and maybe even many times.

Well the calls have been made (a few more I'll need to make tomorrow), emails and FB msgs have been sent. To my surprise I received many supportive responses within an hour. I also received a call from WH which I didn't answer. He left a irritated voicemail saying he was praying for me and I wasn't allowing Satan to use me as an enabler in breaking apart people of God. (A hint to me that he must have been contacted by someone from the church he was pastoring).
Blows my mind!

I'm usually prone to angry outbursts when confronted by liars so I've memorized some of the great confrontation responses y'all have posted. Many thanks for them and for the links! The truth has been shared and I am confident God will honor it.

way to go WHiP! you see, exposure isn't about punishment. and the support you will get from unexpected places is a bonus. when i exposed my WH, i didn't expect any support at all (the opposite in fact), and the support i received was breathtaking. it helps clear your mind of the "he is making me crazy" thoughts.

indie said this works for most men, i think. they have been mislead into believing our culture's "do what makes YOU feel good/happy" rubbish, and so think their behaviour is perfectly acceptable. it is not. and many people will say so.

Amazing! You're doing great.

What on earth is he talking about with that satan/enabler thing he said? That sounds like some of the craziest wayward fogbabble we have heard in a while. I would just revert stuff like that back, nod and say 'yes adultery is very evil'

I second that!!! Well done WHiP


Gotta agree again. If you get the chance to say what Indie suggests, you gotta let us know his foggy response! I can imagine the poor hamster in the wheel at that one...

Amazin!! The angrier they are the better your exposure was. You hit the target!! Fantastic!!

A fallen pastor tries to school you on what satan does??? Hmmm is that called irony??
Keep it up and stand strong.

Great job, my friend!!

Whisapastor,

Thank You for doing the right thing, churches are supposed to a refuge for the weary and weak, when those persons are taken advantage of by persons of church authority it's an unspeakable horror.

Your WH may claim that she was asking for it, and even if that is the case, it was your WHs job to counsel her NOT to act that way.

God Bless
Gamma

The fallout is in full force! Satan must be angry that the lies are no longer in his home court of secrecy. I have had some contact me with questions, and are very supportive. Many godly, blameless men that have said they will be in contact with WH. PRAISE GOD!!!
Negative impacts so far are that WH contacted one of the "others" I mentioned as knowing about this in my EL, and told her that I had accused him of having an affair with HER too. And I was spreading that to other people. She knows better, and will be in touch with the OW family today to let them know what she knows. He's grasping at straws dear ones! Satan must know he's about to go DOWN!!!
OW also posted a status to her FB (which she has since removed, luckily I have a screen shot of it saved) which included and indirect physical threat involving a knife.
Your sincere and constant prayers are very needed right now for me, WH, and our 2 small children.

I would hit her with a Restraining order, pronto.

First, it is nothing to mess around with.

Second, it will put her in her place.

Yes. Restraining order. Go for it brave one.

Welcome to MB .. sooo sorry you are here. Your exposure is the best thing you could have ever done to saove your marriage and get your hubby out of the fog.

I recently helped my wifes step dad with his wifes affair. Same scenerio ... different position though. My wifes mom (worship team leader) was having an affair with one of the other worship team members (the drummer) it started out as practices .. and eventually lead to a full affair. GRandpa (wifes step dad) was in such shock when we did the foot work to bring it all out into the light... we exposed FOR HIM (he was a complete tool BTW and could not drum up the courage to get his wife to end her affair or listen to what we had to say using MB techniques). We exposed on her FB wall so all her church friends could see because she had spun the story that stepdad was an abuser etc ... but also told the entire church she was NOT having an affair (actually stood up in front of the church after we exposed to explain how MB is of the devil and how my wife and I are of the devil etc and how horrrible people we are for telling such lies. Little did they know .. we had on audio recording Grandma admitting the affair to us prior to our exposure... Their pastor was even enabling them ... told them to seperate for a time .. and during that time the affair got deeper and grandma locked grandpa out of the house so he had to live in his travel trailor for the duration of the seperation ... soon after the pastor took a symbatical (spelling?).

Grandpa (who is now dating the wife of the guy his wife left him for) says to us how grateful we did the foot work for him and exposed grandma and explains to us how grandma would have dragged him through the coals if we had not have done that .. she got kicked out of the church along with her AP and is FURIOUS for "tricking her into the recorded info" and we ruined her life apparently. BTW .. grandma is claiming to marry this POSOM and grandpa is now in the fog aswell and we have had to tell them BOTH to stay away from us to protect our family from the ir wayward mind set.... especially since we are of the devil for THEIR adultery .... Geesh.

We also used that Ephesians 5:11 when they asked us why we exposed ... I even spoke to their pastor and told him .. he refused to listen.

Anyhow ... It seems like you got a better handle on this than we did ... especially being the spouse doing the foot work and allowing god to work thins THROUGH you.

If god brings you to it .. god will get you through it. Listen to the vets here ... I wish Grandpa had of done the foot work we did for him as he may have saved his marriage if he took MB advice from the beginning ... but he didnt heed one word. Dont let that happen to you! These people here KNOW what they are doing and will NOT steer you wrong.

God Bless

MNG

I'm not sure that what was written would justify a restraining order. Plus she now lives almost 4 hours away since I moved in with family after WH resigned. Here is part of what was written: "...(as I chuckle) thanks for the ringing in my ears and the smile on my face may u find yourself in one position on your knees not holding the knife!"

The beginning part includes statements she got directly from my EL.
Your thoughts?

She's running scared. Ya did good! That's what those pathetic little comments mean - you hit your target.

I want you to have realistic expectations of the impact on WH. Exposure is a powerful tool in the hands of a righteous spouse, and its ripples will be felt from this moment until the very end of the A.

That said, only sometimes does it cause an immediate end to the A. What you did was perfect, and likely struck a death blow to the A. But like a rhino who has been fatally shot, the A doesn't always keel over instantly. It can inflict some pretty terrible damage even while it's dying. Charging this way and that, tearing up the countryside, it may still be ugly for a while. This may not be the only battle you have to fight.

What you can be confident of is that, by doing this, you have helped to bring about the circumstances that are most likely to eventually bring WH to repentance. (OW too, but she's not your problem, she's God's.)

So rest up the remainder of the day, and then it'll be time to start mapping out your strategy for the rest of the fight. You can do this!

Even after everything swirling today I am still positive this was the course of action God moved me to. Not MB, not a counselor, not my friends, GOD. I bathed in His Word and prayer, and fasted until I was absolutely clear GOD wanted me to expose, and not Satan.
That being said, a trusted counselor has informed me that he believes I took a wrong course of action, may have caused even more irrepairable damage, and do not need to speak about the subject in any more detail with anyone. His reasoning is that now it will became a game of "he said, she said", and hurt and involve "church people" that don't need to have anything to do with this.
This hurts me because of such high regard I hold for this man. He is absolutely the wisest most blameless man I know! Everyone thinks that of him! He even said he was not chastising me, or 'getting onto' me, only cautioning me with how I move forward from here. But that he understands I will make the decisions I feel I need to make.

Any of you been here? Any words of wisdom?? Y'all have so encouraging thus far!

WHP, most counselors have absolutely no idea how to save marriages and bust up affairs in a Christian, biblically based manner. This counselor is no different. We see posts every day of bad advice from "counselors."

You did the right thing. And I believe very much that God sent you here to hear Dr Harley's ideas on how to break up an affair. The Bible supports his ideas whereas it does not support this counselors advice of hiding an affair. Hiding an affair only serves to aide and abet evil.