To tag onto what CWMI and Melody have told you.

Please read the POJA link I posted and here are some fantastic letters from Dr. Harley.
How to develop your career #1
How to develop your career #2

NMF,

I think it would help to clarify a thing or two in your situation.

Is your H going to have to go out of town a lot, or is this a one time deal?

How much do you and your husband know about MB and have you been following any of the principles? It doesn't sound to me like you have done much with the program since you've already alluded to the fact that A: you are not open and honest with him about your feelings and B: that the two of you are not used to making joint decisions.

You can't fault your H for going away when you haven't come to any agreements on basic principles on how you will handle married life. (A lot of us don't when we don't know better!)

It sounds to me that you are hurt that your H is going away when he should want to spend your birthday with you - not that you are against the idea of him going to a conference for work. Is that correct? Although, as others have mentioned, it isn't recommended that a married person be in a position to have to travel frequently for work.

In a lot of families, birthdays and other holidays aren't as big a deal as they are in others. (Or, for that matter, to people of different personality types) My husband, for instance, is of the mindset that it doesn't matter if you celebrate on the specific date, as long as you do celebrate somewhere around it. My mother, on the other hand, has a cow when something is not celebrated on THE day.

To me, there are two things at play here: your desire to resolve this immediate problem you have with his not being home on your birthday and more importantly, a big need for you and your husband to sort out what kind of marriage you are going to have - which is where Marriage Builders comes in.

You may or may not have time to go through the program fully before this issue is resolved. But - that doesn't mean you can't learn the important principles and put them into play quickly - to help with the issue.

I ask you if this issue is about your birthday because it provides a different perspective to your problem. It doesn't change the principles at play (in the MB program) but it provides insight into your feelings. I had a similar issue recently and a change in perspective helped me A LOT.

In my case, I was thinking mainly about myself and being very self-centered I might add - when feeling upset about my husband's work schedule. I missed him; I was lonely when he was gone all weekend, for several weekends in a row. Then, a wise person (thanks, NG!) suggested to me that I think about what it was like for my husband: HE was the one who was having to put in all the hours, after all! When I stopped looking inward and realized how hard my husband worked to provide for our family, I got out of my little pity party and was able to provide my husband with some much needed admiration and appreciation for who he was as a husband, father, and provider - all which spoke to his manhood. I made plans with my kids for the next weekend he was having to work to keep myself busy AND I did some things while he was away that showed my appreciation for him. Focusing on meeting his needs while he was working hard was very fulfilling to me - once I had that change in perspective.

My husband's job, however, does not take priority over our marriage. His working extra hours was a result of a one-time project that had to be done when the office was closed to most personnel. He even made a point to send me pictures of him and his fellow engineers at the office throughout the process. We called/texted regularly as well - so I would feel secure about what he was doing and why. I wasn't upset about it anymore once I looked at it from his point of view. It wasn't like he WANTED to be away from home, working. He'd much rather be home with me!

This post keeps getting longer and longer...geez.

Bottom line is, you need to come up with a solution to the immediate problem (that you both agree on) but also need to learn the principles provided here in having a great marriage in order to prevent future scenarios like this one. Once you learn how to be open and honest with your husband about your feelings (in a constructive manner) and he you - and you both avoid lovebusters and meet each other's needs - you will always be on the same team in creating solutions for everyday issues.

It is more efficient to change actions than feelings. Telling someone to change their perspective, rather than suggesting that the actions that cause bad feelings change, is destructive and not MB.

How should you feel? You should feel the way you feel. I think your better question is "How do I talk to my husband about how I feel?"

You are newly married. This is the perfect time for the two of you to acquire the fine art of being open and honest with each other. Keeping this inside you will cause you to become resentful, and that's not good for your marriage. Understand now that there will be times when the two of you don't agree. Your goal when you have a disagreement is to discuss options until you reach a point of enthusiastic agreement. You are not in enthusiastic agreement with your husband's decision. The two of you need to discuss options until you reach a point of enthusiastic agreement on the part of both of you.

Consider the options. Write them down and discuss them. You clearly aren't happy with the option of his leaving town for a week during your birthday (side note: he shouldn't be leaving you to travel on business. At all. If his job requires travel, you need to be in a position to travel with him.)
So. Your options:
1. You go with him. And why not? Why can't you ride along in the car and spend time in the hotel or doing some sightseeing/shopping while he fulfills his work obligations?
2. He turns down the extra work. And why not? Will the world stop turning?

Discuss these and add any others you might come up with. Come to a point of enthusiastic agreement.

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Please refrain from debating MB concepts on a newcomer's thread.

That comment isn't "rational discourse", NG. It's a cheap shot. You're better than that.

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Have you determined your Emotional Needs?

I would sit him down and tell him how you are hurt. Then I would ask him to help come up with a solution.

Can you stay at a hotel in the same town, that is not part of the conference?

What is exactly keeping you from not going?

May I ask ... is he also in his 40's ... is this his first marriage ... was Independent behavior part of who he is?

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When we were coaching with Steve, he told us that he had recently gone to a men's conference. He asked me if I was surprised by that. I told him no, that I imagined he had a solid marriage and his wife's blessing to do so. He said exactly! He never would have gone if his wife didn't want him to. He saw another man there that he knew had a troubled marriage, and wondered why in the world he was there when he should have been home working on his marriage.

Marriage FIRST. Other stuff fits in after.

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Besides, asking the poster to see beyond her "feelings" is obviously NOT the "warm and fuzzies" that are desired.

She is upset by her H's action, and does not feel it her place to tell him to stop hurting her. We are attempting to get her to voice it, because sitting on it will worsen the problem. Overnights and IB will need to be addressed in this young marriage.

To me, "warm and fuzzy" is telling her to think of it like he is doing it FOR HER. That's just silly, to try to talk someone into believing that their spouse is hurting them for their benefit.

**edit**

Let's get back to Marriage Building and stop disrupting this new poster's thread.

Thank you!

You are getting great advice here! Please keep us updated on how it goes when you talk to your H.

It's ok to say, "I would really like us to be together on my birthday" or "I am really upset about your plans to leave town during my birthday" - just keep it respectful. In other words, stay away from disrespectful judgements like: "You are uncaring" or "You inconsiderate jerkwad! You didn't even ask my opinion!"

Yep, first building blocks of a great marriage: the Policy of Joint Agreement, and the Policy of Radical Honesty.

This is perfect timing - a great opportunity for you to begin a strong foundation for your marriage! And you'll both learn that asking "How would you feel if I...." before making plans, is the road to marital bliss.

Thank you e everyone so much for all the great advice! To answer somebody's question he Is 40 and yes this is his first. marriage my 2nd and he hadn't been in too many long relationships so very new to him. You all have given me some things to work on like joint agreement, radical honesty and mutual deceision.
Which is one of the reasons why I was so upset because he made the decision without talking to me first. Thanks again everyone.