Whenever a spouse I counsel for marital problems suffers from severe depression, my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. It greatly relieves, if not eliminates entirely, a depressive state so that the spouse I counsel can succeed in meeting the other spouse's emotional needs. As his depression is lifted, he seizes opportunities both in his marriage and at his job, that makes him more successful. In the end, his self-esteem is restored because he finds himself successful in achieving his life's ambitions. I do not believe that counseling to improve self-esteem, apart from showing people how to be successful, ever really improves self-esteem.

The approach that I use to save marriages looks at the present and future for solutions. I encourage you not to worry about your husband's past, his self-esteem or whether or not he loves himself. After he is treated medically for depression, focus your attention on the way you treat each other in the here and now.

Your biggest hurdle will be to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). His depression has made it impossible for him to follow that policy, and by failing to follow it, you have both been developing habits that make you increasingly incompatible. You are coming to a point in your relationship where you will be so incompatible that you will not be able to live together anymore, and you will end the relationship. When his depression lifts, he will be in an emotional position to learn new habits, habits that will restore compatibility to your relationship. By following the Policy of Joint Agreement you will eliminate all the things you're doing that grate on each other, and you will substitute behavior and activities that make both of you comfortable.

Hi PLH, welcome back to MB. You can hot Notify and ask the Mods to please merge your Other Topics thread into this one, you got great advice over there. It sounds like you have every right to be frustrated. But there are healthy ways to express that. The LBs, DJs, AO, are getting you further from your goal, not closer to it. Because then the next day you are looking at how to fix that problem, instead of the real one.

Have you reread the article What to Do with a Depressed Spouse lately?


Your H sounds like he was willing to get outside help and accountability before. Is this still the case? Would you two be willing to work together to put a plan together and stick to it to set your marriage up for success?

PLH, do you know what it is that is really bothering you? I get a sense of different issues in your post.

Have you talked to your husband about:

1. The fact that you are bothered by his unemployment and his lack of motivation in finding employment.
2. Your need for his help around the house.
3. You are upset by his porn use.

It sounds like you are working and carrying the financial load. And it seems to be working for you and your H in the short term, since your H doesn't seem to be driven to get a job, any job.

Have you discussed this with him? What does HE say? You obviously have a need for Financial Support, which is a normal need for a woman.

Can the two of you agree that he will secure employment asap?

I doubt that your husband is depressed. I DO think he needs to get a job and get off the computer. He also needs to knock it off with the computer porn crap. I would suggest that the two of you agree that he should eliminate his computer use. If anything, being on the computer is distancing himself from the realities of actually obtaining gainful employment and getting off the porn sites.

Shoot! Didn't put my response in with that last quote.

Yes MB, I have talked to him about all this. Over and over again. I've done it calmly, I've yelled, I've been withdrawn. Nothing works. Tonight we are going to church and I'm talking to my pastor. He's a no nonsense guy and my husband really respects him. I think it may!