I would say that your W needs to find a new job. I can't see how she cannot be triggered herself by being there. It is like the recovering alcoholic working at the old watering hole and trying not to drink. It keeps the addiction at the front of one's mind by staying in the crime scene.

Well, FWW and I are a full 3 months into our REAL R and it is going very well.

EP's are being followed, getting a strong 15-20hrs/wk UA (with date night every 2 weeks), EN's on both sides are being met and I have to say we owe it all to MB's!

We are a LONG way from full R but see the possibilities that our marriage can be better than either of us could ever imagined.

FWW is showing a strength I have never seen before. Her remorse and boundaries are just what I had hoped for. From my side, she says all her EN's are being filled and I have eliminated all the LB's which caused her love for me to be destroyed.

We read SAA together and are now reading Fall in Love Stay in Love, a chapter every night. This has been very insightful for both of us. Next is Love Busters.

I hope others can gain some HOPE of their own hearing our story. I really belive we can and WILL have a full R. She is determined to prove hershelf to me that she can live an honest life. She says her honor, integrity, respect and honesty are extremely important for her to regain. Not only in our marriage but for herself.

My catch 22 is I still have a wall up with her that are not allowing me to fall back in love with her yet. How can I fall back in love with this wall up?

I figure that if I don't fall back in love with her just yet, if she would slip on her end, I wouldn't be hurt as bad.

Have you read this by Dr. H?
How can trust be restored after an affair

Time and continuing to fill the LB and avoid lovebusters. When your LB is full you'll be in love.

Hello and congratulations for finding MB. MB saved me.

Did your wife find another job? If not then does she know that her working there is a trigger for you every time when she leaves to work?

This is very serious issue. Recovery after the affair does not take months but years and having triggers not removed makes things even worse.

To have walls up is perfectly normal. It is her job to restore trust towards her not yours. And leaving that job would be huge if she wants to prove herself.

Beware of anger periods around 6 months and 1 year mark.

Good catch Mr. Recon.

20years what's your plan for this? She can't work with OM because there will never be true NC.

She does not work with OM. He lives in another town about 70 miles away. Not even a remote possibility that I would be willing to participate in our R if they worked together.

However, the majority of the A occurred while at work on her computer there. This is a trigger for me because our lives seemed relatively normal day to day throughout her A. My safety feels threatened everyday when she leaves for her office. Although she had IT change her email address so he can�t get through (and I have access to her email), I can�t access her web activity.

She is very good about being transparent (or so it seems, how do you ever REALLY know?). Tells me exactly what she is doing all the time. And I tell her my schedule as well. There is a good possibility that the judge she works for will be moving to another sector and she will go with him. Hopefully this will happen in the next month which would be a big relief.


The other big issue for me is that there is someone she works with that she has been friends with for like 15 years. This person is an enemy of our marriage. She had an A on her H years ago and was an enabler for my W. She covered for her, and lied to me throughout the course of the A. It seems they are now just existing to work together and not discussing personal matters. I have made it abundantly clear how uncomfortable this person makes me feel and will not be accepting of their friendship.


Additionally, this �friends� husband does not know that she had an A years ago on him and they are still married. I frequently grapple with the idea exposing her affair to him. I see her as a despicable person and part of me thinks her husband has the right to know the truth about the woman he is living with and married to.

I know I would want to know.

Good glad to hear she doesn't work with him.
What about stopping in at her work and checking her history? A surprise visit?
She needs to drop this toxic friend. If she is serious about recovery she will.

You answered your own question the BH of your WW needs to be told about his WW's affair.

Why not tell him?

20yh,

and lied to me throughout the course of the A.

Then tell her BH the truth for 10 minutes, How much do you know about this friends affair? There is a good chance her BH already knows something but was never able to prove anything just had a sick feeling that never left him.

God Bless
Gamma

Good idea! I might just have to pop in and see what�s up.

I don�t know why I hesitate in telling him. I need to think of this further. At least my W realizes she is toxic. I didn�t think she would drop her friendship with her. But, she has. For this I am very proud of her.

I wish everyone on this site had a repentant spouse as I. She told me last night how happy she was that even in the wake of DDay that I continued to try to work out our M. She didn�t understand why I did it. Looking back she says she knows how much pain she caused by her actions to the entire family.

I told her that I even though nothing I did justifies her actions (she agrees), I held much regret for my behavior in the past which contributed to the breakdown of our M. I told her I was determined to fight for my family and prove to her that indeed I had changed my behavior. You know, eliminating all LB�s. However, I would NOT have continued if I would have known she was still in contact with him during our FR. It would have been over forever.

A silver lining is that she now realizes her AP was not a good person. She realizes she had glamorized vision of who she MADE him out to be. He only loved the way he made her feel. She did not love him, just the �high�. This has been a relief for me. If I felt she still loved him or thought he was indeed a good person, I don�t think I could continue.


Thank goodness for the lifting of the fog! They see things so much more clearly once the source of the addiction is eliminated.

She is truly grateful that I stuck with my plan to bring us back together. I in turn, am truly grateful she was able to come out of her fog and recommit to the M.

Today is a good day. Our love for each other is growing day by day.

I need to take this into serious consideration. I think he deserves to know the truth. You make an excellent point. Thank you.

I think part of my hesitation is that I am so focused right now on us, I don't want to bring anymore negativity or drama into our currently great dynamic.


Telling him is indeed a distraction from us right now. We also have other friends who are currently going through marital problems. We are choosing to not involve ourselves in anyone elses business at this time.

20yearhistory, I agree you should tell the husband if you truly do have information about an affair. That woman sounds like a rat and I have no doubt she had some influence on your wife when it came to her affair.

So glad to hear you and your wife and doing well. And I agree with the others, your love will come and your walls will come down with time. It takes time to restore trust.

You are doing ALL the right things! These are the things that will transform your marriage.

Thank you so much. I truly believe MB saved my M.

To anyone else reading this thread; know you can beat this evil demon of A's. I am not out of the woods yet but see bright lights in the future!

I see our relationship reaching new heights I never thought possbible.

We both now realize what we almost lost and how sacred our M really is.

I view telling him as a positive thing in every way because you would be standing up against adultery. THAT is the kind of dynamic you want in your marriage; one that defends marriage. It would be throwing water on the witch who is the enemy of your marriage. Maybe if her husband knows what she does, it will make it harder for her to spread her poison to other marriages.

Interesting point, ML. I had not thought of it in this regard.

I know what I must do.

Exactly. You can't assume her BH knows. He needs to be told.

What proof is it that you have?

The only thing I know is that my W told me she had an A. I do not have any details or specifics at all. I don't doubt that it happend but have zero proof.

Would your wife know?

Okay, now you are getting into the danger zone 

Asking my W for details of her friends A at this time? Whew. Not sure I am up for that right now. Maybe later but don�t think I am ready to breach the subject in that detail at this time.

The main thing is that she is not a friend of my W anymore. This was a big step in showing her commitment to our M. She is indeed RAT (well I can think of other adjectives that I like better!) I will have to bite a hole in my bottom lip if I ever see her again to not tell her exactly what I think of her as a person. No respect for me. No respect for my children. No respect for my W!!

I have done a lot of thinking of those who would help enable someone to carry on an A. Is that what a true friend does? I don�t think so. I think a friend steps in and says �hey! what you are doing is wrong! stop it now. I will not be part of this horrendous behavior�.

I have another problem with my SIL. She also knew that my W was staying in contact with OM during our FR. He called her pouring his heart out after I exposed him to his family.
HAHAHA! Loved it. I obviously hit the bullseye. He was freaking out. She also agreed that he could text her to see how my W was doing!! What the hell? All the while, my SIL never said a word to me or encouraged my W to end her horrible interactions with him.

She was fully aware that I was under the impression that all contact had ended but did not do a DAMN thing about it. I am very troubled right now in what to do with my SIL.

Is she a friend or toxic element to my M?