Hi this is my first post. I haven,t put all of the details of our situation yet, I will do thay in another part of the forum.

But I snooped on the computor today again when I had said I would not do it behind his back again. I said it in front of our couples counsellor, who had said she did not think snooping was good, it does not help to build trust, and said she thought I would not be able to quench my thirst for it. She does agree with the no contact. I feel really bad with about my own integrity now.

However I found something, they were photos of the months he had been living with the other woman. They were in unnamed folder on the desk top. They were photos I had personally deleted from the pc, the external drive, memory stick, so I do not know why they are there or WERE (as in my anger I deleted the whole folder and emptied the trash can)
I am confused has to why he is keeping them as I believe in his sincererity he has no intention to go back with her etc and things have been extra good this week. He only moved back on January 10th 2012. However he did say infront of the therapist the photos were all gone.

Anyway my problem is do I tell him or just keep quiet. He would have to admit to me he had the pictures if he challenges me. Do I deny it or face the music that I broke trust?

Welcome and sorry for what has brought you here.

He broke your trust by having an affair not you for snooping and finding out about it. How old are you two and how long married? Any kids?
First hit notify and ask the Mods to move this to the SAA forum you'll get more responses.

Second dump that counselor and read this by Dr. Harley
Snooping

Third can you get anymore evidence?
Get ready to expose his affair.
Exposure 101

As you have discovered, snooping helps you find very significant marraige problems.

How can you solve problems when you dont know what they are?

However that creates a very lucrative situation for counsellors, who can spend years chasing unsolved problems.

There should be no locked doors or secrets in your marriage - you should be free to look at whatever you want.

Dump the counsellor and save the money for proper marriage coaching which is solution orientated.

I have a feeling your current MC basically just hands out tissues while getting you to fight or reopen old wounds. that will take forever and solve nothing.

However I would keep things normal for a while and continue snooping. There is probably more than you have already found. I would begin to Plan A your H, so he feels more drawn to you and less drawn to other women, but keep snooping unbenownst to him.

The photos are a trigger which keep him from going through withdrawal. If he has not experiencing withdrawal from his 'drug' (OW) he's still addicted and its only a matter of time before he gives in to contact.

Snoop.

Do you have snooping methods installed?

As you have discovered, snooping helps you find very significant marraige problems.

How can you solve problems when you dont know what they are?

However that creates a very lucrative situation for counsellors, who can spend years chasing unsolved problems.

There should be no locked doors or secrets in your marriage - you should be free to look at whatever you want.

Dump the counsellor and save the money for proper marriage coaching which is solution orientated.

I have a feeling your current MC basically just hands out tissues while getting you to fight or reopen old wounds. that will take forever and solve nothing.

However I would keep things normal for a while and continue snooping. There is probably more than you have already found. I would begin to Plan A your H, so he feels more drawn to you and less drawn to other women, but keep snooping unbenownst to him.

The photos are a trigger which keep him from going through withdrawal. If he has not experiencing withdrawal from his 'drug' (OW) he's still addicted and its only a matter of time before he gives in to contact.

Snoop.

Do you have snooping methods installed?

Elle, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I would first like to address your irrational thinking about snooping. It is not "untrustworthy" to catch someone lying and cheating. It is untrustworthy to lie and cheat. Think about that. Do you think the police are being "untrustworthy" when they spy on drug dealers? Does that make any sense? Of course not.

You have a RIGHT to know every damn thing your husband does behind your back because what he does affects your life. So you need to tell him that you can be trusted to watch him like a HAWK and if he doesn't like it, he needs to STOP doing things he doesn't want you to see.

The fact that your husband wants to keep secrets from you is a HUGE RED FLAG. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. He is obviously hiding something.

Snooping builds trust because it enables you to see what he is doing behind your back. So, tell him and your stupid counselor that you can be trusted to snoop like a blood hound and catch him every time! Even if you have to hire a PI, you will catch him!

I would first install a keylogger on his computer before he gets home. [eblaster at spectorsoft.com] Confront him with the evidence you have and make a PLEDGE that you can be trusted to bust his [censored] each and every time!


Your "counselor" is an fool who has no idea what she is doing. She is harming your marriage. Dr Harley is a clinical psychogist with 40 years specializing in infidelity.

Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair:

How Can Trust Be Restored After An Affair?

Snoop. How else are you going to know what he's up to? Do you think he's going to tell you he's cheating on you?

And never throw your evidence away! You may need it in court.

Hi
Thank you for your replies it helps to have support that I am right to follow my instincts regarding this, but I also know I need to keep cool.

I am going to keep quiet about my findings to him for the present. I know he has not looked on his laptop since my discovery and removal of said photos yet. I am waiting to see if he shows any reaction.
One thing i did notice when I went on the computer was that there is no longer a need for a password (which is something he had said he would do to show transparency) My cover is to say I have not been on it, is to say I don't know your password(don't know he has removed it), and leave it at that, and see if he confesses.

Because I really wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt, It showed the photo folder had only just been put on on the 17/4, I looked yesterday 19/4, I am hoping he had found them on some other device Memo stick, and was going to do the right thing himself and delete them. It is not unusual for him to copy pictures on several devices, he is a keen photographer.

The photos covered the period of time he was away 12 September to 9 Jan 2012. They are photos of her, her family, friends, and places they visited. I believe that all photos from that time should be destroyed deleted, even the artistic landscapes etc, as they are triggers to a horrible time for me and for me his fantasy time. I think he has trouble understanding that, and may be why he wants to sift them to try and keep the artistic ones!!

Regarding spyware, this scares me a bit, I am in the uk, not sure where I can get it.
Also re therapists, I chose her because she is supposed to be a specialist for 20 odd years, I would like to give a few more sessions before changing. but it was quite hard to get my WH to her anyway.

Being in the UK, sadly we don't seem to have any DR H's or DR Phil's, they tell it how it is and kick butt where necessary. I believe if faced with either of these guys my husband would respect their advice.

So lets see how it goes, will let you know.

Hi Elleyce

I'm in the UK too and I have done the coaching with the MB Harley Coach, Steve Harley is the son of Dr Harley and is available to provide marriage coaching with the MB principals to couples even in the UK.

I have personally tried 3 (1 relate one and 2 non relate ones) marriage councillors in the UK and they really did more damage than good. They don't have any experience in saving marriages and they tend to give the most moronic advice (one even supported my H porn use) but I was very aware of MB and was able to see the wrong advice and walk away.

Please cancel this councellor and either seek help from MB coaching centre or start searching for UK councellors that are willing to work with the MB principals there is a good site that has a list of local MCs in your area and shows their full credentials. Just google marriage conceling UK and you should find it.

There is a great article on this site to guide you into finding a good Marriage councellor and gives you questions to ask before booking an appointment. It was so valuable to me because I interviewed my current councellor before booking her and gave her the MB book surviving the Affair and told her that I will only work with someone willing to follow the MB principals and she has agreed to that so now we have a good councellor who I can trust with repairing my marriage.

Hope you find this information useful.

Good luck

I would, for a few weeks, anyway. This gives him a chance to relax and hopefully slip up. You will get more evidence that way.



I am in the UK too, I got GPS and VARs off eBay. Keyloggers and mobile phone spyware can be bought online. Check out the Operation Investigate forum for tips on which is best for you.
Not sure why this is scary for you. If you were putting parental spyware on to check your kids internet use, you wouldnt be scared. Why is protecting your marriage any different?

I never got to do counselling with my H, but if he had been willing to agree to the EPs Dr H recommends before embarking on recovery I DEFINITELY would have contacted the couselling centre here, either Steve Harley or the online programme.

I would, for a few weeks, anyway. This gives him a chance to relax and hopefully slip up. You will get more evidence that way.



I am in the UK too, I got GPS and VARs off eBay. Keyloggers and mobile phone spyware can be bought online. Check out the Operation Investigate forum for tips on which is best for you.
Not sure why this is scary for you. If you were putting parental spyware on to check your kids internet use, you wouldnt be scared. Why is protecting your marriage any different?

I never got to do counselling with my H, but if he had been willing to agree to the EPs Dr H recommends before embarking on recovery I DEFINITELY would have contacted the couselling centre here, either Steve Harley or the online programme.

It is really important that you practice honesty and let him know you have found this. You can't resolve problems if you don't address them. Not being honest about problems is the kind of behavior that creates resentment and prevents a much needed emotional intimacy. Your marriage does not need the "benefit of the doubt" [which you can see is inappropriate] but radical honesty and openness.

He needs to tell you where the photos are and he needs to get rid of them. As far as being triggered, though, he is triggered every day he goes to work.


You should be more scared of his affair because that is the real risk here. Spyware cannot hurt you, it will protect you. Go to spectorsoft.com and download eblaster on his computer. It costs about $100 but will help you monitor him.


She is bad for your marriage because she does not understand the dynamics of adultery. Marriage counselors are typically destructive to marriages and this one is no different. Anyone who understands how to save a marriage from infidelity can recognize how unqaulified and unskilled your counselor is. She is harming your marriage by validating very bad practices, ie: not snooping.


We know where this is going.... sadly.