Ernie - I think it is a GREAT sign that you are here, posting, asking for insight and advice. That fact alone tells me there are many reasons to hope that your marriage can become what both you and your wife want it to be.
My best advice is to get in to Harley. We can help motivate you, give you a little nudge here and there or maybe clarify certain things - but the advice on this forum is no substitute for investing the time and effort in to understanding and implementing Harley's program for building marriages that last. The big picture is too big to properly convey in little clips and sounds bites. Harley, incompletely understood and applied may actually be worse than doing nothing at all. I hear that you are busy - but you must make the time. Imagine how busy you'll be when you're wife tells you she wants a divorce.
Get and read "Fall In Love and Stay In Love" AND "LoveBusters." Fall In Love is available on CD - you can listen to it during your commute. I can't over emphasize how important it is for you to really invest in this.
In the mean time...
Tell you wife you love her and are committed to making your marriage relationship safe and amazingly satisfying for both of you. Tell her to be patient as you learn new ways of thinking and behaving, and making these new behaviors in to permanent habits.
Accept your wife's reality for what it is - her reality. What she needs is what she needs. What she says hurts her hurts her. Don't try to talk her out of her feelings and in to other, better, more rational feelings. Doing so is a major sign of disrespect and invalidation - both big love busters.
You probably don't need what she needs and may not even understand it yet. But when she requests you do something that would make her feel cared for - find a way to do it, or something similarly satisfying for her, and do it enthusiastically, consistently and sincerely over and over again, every day if needed. Yes, you probably do need a refresher - a checklist, a daily reminder, an explicit program. She will need to be super specific in her requests. She says she feels stupid asking for what she needs - but help her see she must ask. She cannot expect you to read her mind. When you read Harley you'll see how he talks about this doomed expectation. I believe it will make sense to both of you.
I'm not saying you should do anything you're not enthusiastic about. That won't last either. Have you read about the policy of joint agreement? It is an awesome and powerful concept.
Enough for now... if you are serious about making your marriage stick - time to get to work. Continuing to do what you've been doing so far is obviously not effective.
BWS
Last edited by BWS71; 10/13/12 06:31 PM.
