AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!<P>Oh you guys. I was doing soooo good on plan b. almost 5 weeks. I was starting to feel better about myself, about him, about life.<P>Well, it's all over now. H called this morning. Wanted to know if he could have d tonight since I made plans for tomorrow (his normal visitation day). OK, I gave him notification 10 DAYS ago that I would not be available tomorrow so he would need to make other arragements. I was so pissed when he called and told me that he wanted her tonight.<P>Well, I lost it. I told him that I told him way over a week ago that there would be a schedule change, and that this way just another one of his attempts to try and control me. I told him that he could not see her tonight. Well, then he says how about Thurs?Friday? and I said no. He then proceeded to call me just about everthing in the book, telling me what a horrible mother I am to deny my D her Daddy. PLEASE!!!!! I said if she was THAT important to you, you would have made arragements long before now to see her.<BR>Then I made the GRAND-DADDY of them all. (He has not paid me any money in over 4 wks) I said he would ber happy to see me and D living in a cardboard box, since he can't seem to find any money for us. I said, it not wonder you dont have any money left, since you money all goes to hookers and booze and tromping all over the world to met your little whore. (Yep, That's what I said)<BR>So, as you can tell, no more plan B. I told him at the end of the conversation that I don't want his money, I don't want his pity, I just want HIM TO GO AWAY.<BR>So, what now?<P>Cheryl<BR>

Ceecee, it sounds if you did fine with the schedule change. My H doesn't remember a thing I tell him, it wouldn't surprise me if yours doesn't either.<P>Keep the visitation and money issues separate. Legally, he owes you money. Legally, he has rights to see the child, and it is not to his benefit not to allow some flexibility, especially when you've notified/asked for in advance.<P>I'm so sorry on your behalf that he's such a mess.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Hey, who said this stuff would be easy? I say you should continue with Plan B. Did you really think you'd be able to go on without at least one or two arguments? No, of course not. Not the way your H is.<P>I guess what I'm saying is -- don't worry about being angry at him. It's gonna happen from time to time. I'm betting it'll happen again sometime in the future. Maybe what you should do is change your perception of him. Expect him to behave selfishly, and then when he does, you won't be surprised and therefore not so angry... Anyway, I still think that Plan B is an effective course of action.<P>Meanwhile, think about when it's a good time for your H to see your daughter this week. He may be a selfish dope, but he's still her dad. It kinda sounds like you denied him seeing her just out of spite. So try to calm down a little and think about your schedule and call him back and offer a day to him.<P>I'm not talking about apologizing or anything... we all know he deserved your tongue lashing! But you have to remain calm with regards to your daughter.<P>good luck!<BR>--andy

I don't see where you blew plan B. Yes you lost our temper but we are human and we can be pushed only so far. I forget do you have a legal arrangement? I think you are right he was trying to control you. Other then that I don't really have anything to say except don't let him get you down. Just pick up with where you left off. (Next time send a certified letter tell about changes and have a return signature) Then you can wave it in his face.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

If there is something we've learned here, about riding a rollercoaster is that sometimes we take our own dips. It's okay. We go back up.<P>You have permission to forgive yourself for an outburst! Then get back on track.<P>Correct advice, in: money issues and visitation issues must be separate.<P>Perhaps you can take a copy of your informal visitation schedule, and mail it to him. With a letter, stating that you need full cooperation from him to help make visitation the best for Emma. Remind him you want to accomodate for flexibility, but that your schedule is so "tight" that you need 10 day notice of any changes. Remind him the 10 day notice reasons.<P>I would also add that as all parties become more adjusted to this new arrangement, you are sure that the flexibility needs can be adjusted, but at this time - there is still a need for a well thought out visitation plan. (no one has adjusted at this point....)<P>Anyhow, you just forgive yourself, and move on. <P>And, you know, your attorney is NOT helping you at all. Consider finding a different attorney.<P>TNT

And did you figure you would make it the whole way through this mess, no matter what he throws up at you and NEVER lose your temper????? Not likely!<P>It's ok. Back to B, like everyone says. You've got good advice here. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited November 02, 1999).]

Trustntruth has a good idea about getting everything in writing. But I still think that you'll have to expect him to ignore your feelings and do whatever the hell he wants anyway. So you have to be prepared for those instances and have a little flexibility. This is not giving in to him, but rather, for your daughter's good that you have to do this.<P>--andy

I probably should reserve comment, but I can't. Seems to me that you are working on Plan "D" (Divorce) not "B". Unless the "B: stands for Busters.<P>Obviously, I speak from an uninformed and ignorant viewpoint but if your spouse has rights to visit his D then you shouldn't be doing things to make it difficult and it really shouldn't be on "your" arbitrary schedule. I can understand the "one" day being a problem but when he asks for the next and the nexrt and you still refuse, then the problme shifts from one party to another.<P>Calling the OW all sorts of names is not a major problem seems that such behavior tends to release tension and that's OK, I suppose. You know what they say about sticks and stones ,etc..But getting in the way of a father and his children is a much more serious and potentionally dangerous situation. <P>You guys were probably having trouble reaching compromises in the past and that got you to where you are today. But now you should make a strong effort to reach reasonable comrpomises, if not for you, at least for the child or children.<P>Please don't beat me up to bad, I'm just a messenger.<P>Flip

First, thanks for your responses.<BR>Unfortunately, right now I am in no frame of mind to head advice.<BR>I did what everyone told me to do. Be kind to the A$$. Be FLEXIBLE. Ok, I am am flexible, once again.<BR>I called him and told him her could see her on Thurs. He laughed and said, Ha, I knew you would let me see her><BR>You don't have ANY idea what this man is doing to me. He is using me, abusing me, treating me like something that you spit in the toilet.<BR>But, once again, I feel guilty because he is my d father (very loose term, here)<BR>Anyway, I can't go on like this. Why in the hell should i keep bending over so this guy can F#$% ME? Why?<BR>He is nothing but a lousy piece of crap in my opinion. He usese people. He blames people.<BR>Sorry, I am so mad right now I can't type.<BR>I am done with the plans. I want this man out of my life-FOREVER

Hi CeeCee -<P>You got him upset by trying to prove a point in withholding thurs or fri for him to see D......now he gets to you by trying to make you seem under his thumb by saying what he did!!!<P>Geeee - both of these "tries" worked!!<P>I would definitely say that you guys are caught in the button pushing cycle BIG TIME!!!!<P>You know what though, CeeCee - you can change this if you want......<P>Why do you get so crazy with anything that he says? What good does it do you?<P>He's obviously played this game of his for a very long time and your not his first opponent.....change the rules!!!!<P>Do you want Emma to see that it is OK to allow someone to get you so upset? Do you want her learning that communication is a ping-pong match where each person tries to outdo the other?<P>I don't think so!!<P>The old behaviors have to stop!! You are a wonderful, caring and level-headed woman who is reacting to a "manchild" like a child instead of that intelligent woman!!! That is because he has gotten you that way in this crazy cycle that he likes so much.<P>You have gotten great advice...listen to it and put it into practice!!! Only you can decide how to act...so start deciding instead of REACTING to H!! He is not forcing you to yell and get hurt!! You are reacting to his stimuli!! WHY? That is what he wants!!<P>Change the game....let him be the one reacting to you!!! It's easy, once you know how and start doing it!!!<P>Do Plan B....Do the TNT suggestion - listen to Airheart on flexibility.<P>TIme to take on the adult way of getting through this!!!! Maybe H will realize after a while - that he is an adult also. You never know....could happen!!!<P>Most of all....stop and breath before words come out that react to his. You start being the common sense of your life!!! Don't feed the monster or the monster will grow!!!!<P>Now, go to the sage store, burn some and let the smoke surround you....don't Inhale!!!! Then do the whole house!!!<P>NEGATIVES TO POSITIVES!!!!!<P>We will be here to get you through this - but you are the one who interacts with H , so you have the control!!! <P>IF worse comes to worse...picture this in your mind when he's being an adolescent....<P>"I'm rubber - you're glue,<BR> Whatever you say, bounces of me<BR> and sticks to you!!!"<P>Then picture yourself sticking out your tongue!!!! <P>That will make you feel better!!!!<P>You and Emma are going to get through this alright. H - I don't know? Sounds like some serious counseling is needed for him.....<P>Time and patience and DEEP BREATHS (you can also count to ten!!!)<P>BIG HUGS!!!<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited November 02, 1999).]

Ceecee:<P>In my opinion, the only big mistake you made was talking to him about this. That's NOT Plan B. Plan B is supposed to keep you out of interactions like this. Go back there and stay there. Next time he needs to work a schedule change, let him work it through your contact or through e-mail. That way, your angry reactions won't be seen to him (make sure you NEVER send out an angry e-mail).<P>That being said, think about why you reacted as you did. Was what he wanted really that bad? I don't think so. Instead, my interpretation is that you're rightfully angry and resentful, so any transgression that he does at this time gets alot of venom. Yes he is irresponsible, selfish, etc., but you already know that. It does no good for you to react negatively to it. He should have given you more notice, but is it a crime that he didn't? We all make mistakes like this. But with your husband, you have so much to be legitimately angry with, that the small stuff sets off the fury.<P>Just my opinion, but if you really want Plan B to protect you and keep you from hurling love busters, fully implement it.<P>One more thing. Send off a brief apology for what happened. That's what we do in Harleyville when we make a mistake and lovebust.