I can't call yet, trying to work it out so I can call soon.

Besides AJoseJake's threads that you should read but here are some more military M.
Mortarman's thread
Mortarman custody decided

Motarman is in a happy, recovered M today.

I guess stipulations is the wrong word, but what I was referring to is the meeting of each others ENs and the spending at least 15 hours a week together.

With him being gone so much I just don't see how that can even work. I mean especially on deployments where he will be out of contact for a couple of days at a time.

That's a tough one. I'm assuming by his deployment frequency that he's in the Army, correct? Is he in a line company or is he a support guy?

Just so you have an idea where I'm coming from, I have been deployed, and I have had to stay home while my wife was gone. Believe me when I say it is MUCH more difficult to be the one to stay home. When a person deploys, it is a completely new environment. There is little to do but work and go to the gym (if there is one,) and read. Many of the normal day-to-day distractions are not there. You don't have to take out the trash, cook meals, pick kids up, mow the lawn...those kinds of things. Sure, there are incoming mortar rounds and long work hours, but I find it MUCH less stressful than the day to day of home. When you have to stay home, you have all of the same responsibilities, but you have to handle them by yourself. It is brutal. From one military spouse to another, thank you for your service.

Now, onto meeting ENs. It is very difficult, especially if your hubby is in a line company. If he is a support guy stationed on a big base or FOB, there is absolutely no reason why he can't email you every day, and no reason why you can't email him every day. If your intent is to meet his ENs while he is deployed, this is the first place to start. Stay away from anything that might remind him of how hard of a time you are having. This is a trap that many couples fall into. The deployed spouse wants to tell the stay-at-home spouse about how hard it is to work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, and the stay-at-home spouse wants to talk about how hard life is without the deployed spouse at home. Avoid this at all costs. The best thing I've found is to start a long-distance, two person book club. Pick something you think that you would both enjoy reading (non war/distressing relationship related of course) and set a schedule for how much you are going to read each week. Try to keep up. He will likely have much more time to read than you.

When you do send those emails, tell him how proud you are of him for his service. Tell him you admire his service and his sacrifice. Guys love this stuff (believe me, I know.) He is allowed two 15 minute calls a week to home. Not only is he allowed, but he is obligated. I have seen cases where 1st Sgts ORDER a husband to call his wife. During those calls, keep the same thoughts in mind. No talking about the hardships of home. Don't allow him to talk about the hardships of his deployment. Absolutely REFUSE to let him talk to you about any "dangerous" missions he has to go on. It's an OPSEC violation and isn't going to help you AT ALL!!! Like I said, deployments are hard on both sides, but they are infinitely harder on the stay-at-home spouse.

Hope this helps.

AJJ,

I will have to agree and disagree. As a Marine, it's very difficult to be away from my family. Having to be on my feet for hours at a time and not knowing when I'll have clean water to drink or my next meal. I would definitely rather stay home and do the cleaning and cooking as I do now. I won't get into it, because it's not MB material, but it's different for everyone.

Deployments make it hard to work on a marriage, but it's possible.

Sorry if I offended you, Gunny. You are correct, everyone is different. I never spent more than 3 weeks at a time outside the wire, and I never had any close calls. Plus I love playing G.I. Joe, so that has a lot to do with my take on the matter.

100% agreed. The book club thing was the best thing we did, and we discovered it by accident towards the end of my deployment.

ConfusedWife,

I would also like to add that you should try to send him a care package monthly. Snacks you know he likes, handwritten letters with your perfume or body spray sprayed on them, stuff like that. My favorite was the individual flavoring packets for water bottles. Just some ideas.

I found another thread you can read to help with the deployments.
Amazin's Deployment Thread

WOW, thanks so much to answer now.

AJJ - Thank you so much for your thoughts. First, I love the idea of the books, I think I may get him a kindle sometime before he leaves and we can download some books then.

I guess I should tell you that yes he is army but his deployments and training and such are a little different. He's in SF. So, yes, there are times where I won't talk to him for days, but the good thing is we set up code words before he leaves so that when these days are coming he just says the code word and I know I won't hear from him for a little bit that way I'm not worried. Other than that I can talk to him through emails or messenger or even phone calls daily.

The problem I guess I should have said is with me, because of what he's done I turn into a hermit crab somtimes. Staying away from friends and even not wanting to talk to him. Even my mom, who anyone who knows me knows that she is my absolute best friend. That is one thing I am working on right now in IC.

I do send as many packages as I can always with some homemade goodies. The guys know to hang around when they see he gets a package because there's always too much just for him They also love to fly over with him because I fill up a huge shopping bag with as many homemade stuff as I can make. It usually only last about a day, maybe two.

Also, I need to thank you and your wife both for your service and to any others who may read this. The one thing through all this I can say is that I have always been a very proud military wife. To the point, when I found out about PA OW, she tried to tell me that part of the reason he said we were separated (he lied, we weren't at the time) is that I wasn't supportive of his service. I will never forget that because that almost hurt me more than the A itself!!!!

BH - thanks for the threads, I am working on reading mortars right now. OH, Joyce called me this afternoon but I missed the call, I called back and left a message!! Her voicemail said something about the show next week.

Thanks for that suggestion!!

Ok, one more thing, off topic sort of though.


I think the reason I started reading here agai was because of my mom asking how my marriage was going and I told her the truth that it's going well, that we just don't talk about any of the things that have happened and at this point I don't think it will last past my finishing shool. It got me down saying that out loud.

The sort of off topic thing is, when we had our in house separation that ended last year and WH had to admit to the boys why it was happening took it's toll on them. We found out about 6 months ago that our oldest had been smoking pot. We talked about it and of course gave punishment. He of course has no privacy anymore. I actually implemented some MB principles on him (complete transparency, honesty at all costs). Funny, it was a snap for me to demand this.

The one good thing that came out of it was that at Christmas while at my parents house we played games pretty much every night. We had forgotten how much we loved doing that which led to us having family game night here at home. No friends, tv, or phones are allowed. We haven't enjoyed each other this much in a while. It even led to no tv during dinner. The boys and I have kept this going even when WH isn't home.

I bring this up because it's been on my mind today, my youngest son (14 yrs) went to his school counselor today because of problems he's having with some former friends. She talked to me and after school today I talked to him. He finally told me what the real problem was. They are smoking pot and are giving him a hard time because he is choosing not to. He admitted to trying it once, it was apparently right around when I caught my oldest with some. He saw me so upset and knew he didn't want to out me through that again.

I told him I was proud of him for making the right choice after making the wrong one.

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest.

That's fantastic keep us updated.

Found a radio clip about seperations due to the military.

Radio Clip on Seprations due to the Military

Ok, BH, you have given me alot to think about. I am still trying to figure out if I even want to try to save my marriage. After listening to the last radio clip you posted I am wondering if it's even possible!!!

With his upcoming deployment of 7-8 months we are about to spend let's just say 200-250 consecutive nights apart. Dr. H said that he recommends having a job where you don't spend one night apart. Well, that's not going to change for at the very least 6 more years!!!!!

Plus, the one thing on my mind the last few days is the fact that while my WH seemed to always be transparent (me having passwords to email, full access to his computer and phone and such) he always had something hidden. I wouldn't always have my eblaster on his computer but when I did put it on, that's when I would find something. I know snooping is good for some reasons and my WH has even asked me to put it on the computer (of course, that's probably at a time when he's not actively doing anything).

I guess what I've been wondering is, is this going to be my life if I stay? Am I forever going to have to have my snooping tools and check on him, because to me that's not a marriage!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I opened up to one of my closest friends here, I had told her bits and pieces but she really had no clue what I've put up with through the years. Until yesterday. She was in complete shock, she just couldn't believe it. Nobody can when I've told them after knowing him and me.

WH has always been an outgoing, fun loving kind of guy who is quick witted and everybody likes him. I on the other had am outgoing but in a reserved kinda way, if that makes sense. I like to kinda observe people and if I feel comfortable then I can be the most outgoing there. I make friends easily, but I'm very choosing I guess because of what I've been through.

I've been trying to look at myself and figure out what's with me. I mean, what faults do I have. I do know that I don't have AO, except a few on the DDays. I am judgmental but not to push my opinion off on someone else, I usually keep those thoughts to myself, but I do have them. I always try to see both sides of any problem, and trying to teach my boys there's always another side even if you don't agree with it, be open to listening to it. Over the years I have become more closed off and a little more emotional. I remember when steel magnolias came to the theaters and I thought it was funny that my friends were crying to it, while now even the slightest sappy movie and I'm in tears.

I do know that my WH has had problems with me in raising our boys. Meaning he feels left out in a sense. Like when he's gone I'm doing everything and when he gets home he has said he kinda feels like an outsider. I have been trying to change that, but I'll be honest that's been a challenge. When he's home if they come ask me to go do something or want something I have sent them to dad so he can feel he's making decisions. When our oldest decided hanging out with friends was more important than school work I let (see I say let) him handle that, but I think it's helping.

Sorry this started off as a reply, then a question, and I guess it ended up being a vent, a rambling, not sure. I do appreciate the support and advice!!

I know that radio clip was hard to listen to. Dr. Harley recommends when a military coulple experience an affair to leave the job.

Melodylane told you also in the above post that he would have to stop the traveling.

I guess you have to ask yourself can you live like this for another 6 years?
Did you ever get that call back from Joyce?
Can you afford some sessions with the coaching center?
Have you read this?
When to call it quits Part 1
When to call it quits part 2
When to call it quits part 3

I'm sorry that the advice isn't more positive, but for you to have a wonderful, romantic marriage the MarriageBuilders way you have to be living together.

When my WH was deployed and I talked with the Harley's I knew that he would have to quit that job or I wasn't staying in the M. He quit that job.

Even if your M doesn't survive, you will survive and be better if you live by the MB principles.

Been following your thread CW and I just want to thank you and your H for your service to our country. I really feel particularly bad to hear stories of A's in military families and I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am the one you quoted from another thread, telling the reality of what Plan Confusion looks like. Been there, done that. I am just now after almost a 13 yr marriage starting to turn things around. All I can say is what has changed for me in the last couple months is CHOICE. It is SO EASY when you are involved with someone who is selfish and deceptive to get resentful, edgy, and start your own Plan FU somewhere along the way. I kindof feel like this is where you are??? I was in Plan Confusion for a decade, until the LB was practically gone. Then went off the deep end into Plan FU. The less my WH did to try and 'fix' our marriage (which I thought was his responsibility, you derailed the train and it is your responsibility to get it back on the tracks) the more resentful I became and the stronger Plan FU got! Downward spiral. His natural tendency is to avoid uncomfortable situations (as in, our whole marriage...) and detach from me and our family. Eventually, because I thought it was not my job to fix things, I also started to avoid and detach. It is like watching water circling down a drain. What changed for me is that I just had enough. Enough of being the 'here's how you don't want to end up' martyr. And I started to read these forums. And I realized I had 2 choices. 1) Recover this marriage, or 2) Divorce. Anything in between was NOT AN OPTION to me anymore. Too much wasted time. Too much anger and resentment. Too much damage to me and my family. I believe you said your WH, like mine, was (verbally) in support of recovery, but in our case we just didn't know what that meant. And I was waiting for him to lead the way, and he was...not. MB gives us a PLAN, and for people like you and I who have been wandering around in lala land forever, that is exactly the saving grace we need. I made the CHOICE to implement the plan. Goal one for me was to be happy, positive, HOPEFUL. H has commented many times already about this. It has been a long time since he has seen this attitude. We have figured out our EN's, also love busters, are working on our UA time. Trust me we are newly into this and have a LONG way to go, trying to do more and be more consistant with every passing day. But so far, in just a short period of a couple months, MY efforts are paying out. I feel happier, less stressed, more hopeful than I have in years, and H has noticed and seems to be inspired by it. Not that he hasn't made progress, but I had to decide if he wasn't going to drive then I had to, and hope he would follow along and he has. Behave your way to success I guess, or actions first and feelings later is how it is said through MB I think. Either way, I just wanted to share this with you because you are a fellow Plan C sister and I am trying a different approach that is seeming to work and I wanted to let you know. Your choice now, like mine, is to go 100% into recovery mode, or divorce...unless you are content to wallow around in Plan C for a little while longer? I sure am not.

You do have a much more complex situation with your H's military career. Sounds like you have gotten some great suggestions from other military people on this forum on how to maintain your relationship as much as possible while your H is deployed. At the end of the day, you cannot control whether he jumps two feet in, or drives the recovery boat so to speak. You CAN control if you do. And in my experience thus far, it is INSPIRING to your spouse if you do.

Again, wow, thanks for your support and sharing your experiences with me.

BTW, BH, Joyce called me back and I will be talking to the radio show on Monday. Can't wait to hear what they have to say to help me in my marriage. Still waiting to be able to call the coaching center, hopefully soon. Oh, and I have gone back and started reading your story, it's amazing how far you've come and how much you have helped me and others so far.

Unwritten, I quoted you because I loved the way you put it into words exactly how I have felt. I am definitely going to be reading your story next!!! I feel like just from what I've seen you share that I'm kinda of reading about my life. Thanks for sharing!!

Now......
I am really getting nervous, my WH comes home tomorrow night and I want to talk to him so bad about the way I've been feeling, but scared to do so. For him this is going to seem to come out of nowhere. However, he will agree that I again let him back in without him keeping up with any of the things I've asked.�

I am really thinking of bringing up the possibility of a polygraph. I'm afraid he'll either say no, or will give me the spiel about his training and knowing how to get around those.�

I'm thinking I should give him a list of the questions I would like answered and then say something like "would you be willing to take a polygraph for me? Also, do you feel you would pass with the answers you have given me in the past to these questions?"

He's never been one to get angry with me for being upset or asking a million questions, when I told his parents everything that had been going on, he said he understood why I felt I needed to do that. He's always been sorry and on more than one occasion cried and begged me not to leave.�

I think what I'm most scared of, doing this now, is that I am still not able to financially take care of myself. I am in school and if he said no he won't take the test, I'm not sure what my next move would be.�

I'm going to post the questions, would love advice on them or if I should even go forward with this just yet.�

This is what I have so far to give him, trying to think if there's anything else I should be asking. Like anything that sticks out and has bothered me through the years. #4 is one of those, he was at school and then a drill sergeant there for over 2 yrs and something has always bothered me about that place and we were there with him

1) excluding your wife, have you had physical sexual relations with more than 3 women?

2) excluding your wife, have you had inappropriate relations with more than 3 women?

3) have you been completely honest with your wife?

4) while at fort Leonard wood, did you have any inappropriate relations with any women?

5) while stationed in Germany, did you have any inappropriate relations with any women?

6) have you ever, at any time, in any place, during the entire course of your marital relationship, touched another woman's body in a manner that your wife would object to if she were to have caught you doing it?

7) have you had any sexual relations with other women in our marital home?

8) have you ever at any time, before or during our marriage paid for any type of sexual relations?

That's fantastic that you'll be on the show. I'll listen because I listen all the time. I can't wait to hear what he tells you. Still call the coaching center because then you can have your own plan given by a coach.
On your poly questions I think they are good.
Here's a link from some of the posters whom polygraphed their WS.
Polygraph Testing

Also if your WH gives you the spiel about being able to beat them " say that's fantastic but I would still like for you to take one" Then maybe get a referral from someone on base who knows of a good one to use.

Maybe ask Dr. H also about testing your WH.

Make sure you Plan A like a rockstar when your H gets home. How long will he be home for?

You sound so much better.

CW, After the "what" conversation where she gave me the details of the only OM I knew about at the time, she claimed there were no others. Some evidence I had suggested otherwise. We we're coaching with Steve at the time (still are) and here's the advice that Steve gave me on the poly: I could either accept that the "wound" wasn't totally healed and move forward, but I would always have a limp in my step. He said that he has seen people function in this way, but it isn't ideal.

I made the choice that I didn't want to live like that. I wanted to know the truth, however painful. I spent a month and a half asking her to get the poly. I got every excuse in the book: They aren't accurate, too expensive, too embarrassing. With each refusal, it only strengthened my resolve.

Waywards will give every excuse to avoid a poly. In fact, they'll often spill their guts the night before one just to see if that will shut you up.

Of course, it never should.