**edit**

Do not disrupt this thread again!

Hmmm, someone seems intent on breaking my "zapped" record!

IIP: I tried to find your story, to assist you in your evident mis-understanding of the MB principles and what we try to do here. Would you consider initiating a thread to help us help you?

Where do you want this marriage to go?

Kiss,

You asked me earlier on this thread how I recovered my marriage. We're still working on it. Every day. And what I've realized is that there's no fix, just more focus on meeting my husband's needs and applying radical honesty and POJA. And limiting lovebusters, like independent behavior, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. We are falling back in love again slowly because we are working the program.

I also shored up my non existent boundaries around men. No more friendships with men...no internet interaction, etc. I want to be in love with my husband and I want my kids to grow up feeling safe, loved and protected in a real family. This is more important to me then my petty gripes about my husband and my sad need to be admired by some loser dude willing to give it to a married woman.

We're a work in progress but one thing that helped me a lot was realizing I went into the marriage with a renter's attitude. I wanted things to be easy and did the least amount I could get away with to keep things going. I built up a lot of resentment as I drifted from my husband when our kids were small and things were stressful. I started building a case against my spouse about why I 'deserved' more. Disgusting.

My EA was pathetic and it blew up when the OM found a local woman to shag and then told me all about his new 'soul mate.' The horror I felt when I realized I was just some toy for a dude who was looking for entertainment snapped me right out of my fog.

I was lucky it played out this way because I was very vulnerable to 'falling in love' with him and ending up in his bed and babbling something about it being fate that we ended up together.

When wayward, WE DON'T THINK STRAIGHT. We think it's all about us and our needs. If you seriously want to recover, you better get your head in the game because it's hard work. It gets more and more effortless as the feelings of love grow and that is the blessing here.

You can do this but first you have got to see your part in this. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's something you will someday look back on and be horrified by (hopefully). Stop being angry that these changes are happening to you and do what you can to make things right. You have a chance to be the husband you promised to be on your wedding day but it can't begin until you stop seeing yourself as the victim here.

I'm pulling for you.

Oh, heck - there's no WAY I'm gonna let THAT happen! Go ahead, NG, say one word that's TOS-able - I am totally ready to notify. I've got your back, buddy!

Yes, IIP, do tell. We would be interested to hear your story.

You somehow expect her to drop her legal action???

Really???

You have demonstrated what a great husband you can be for what??? several hours??? maybe a few days???

and this equals what???

Trust ME???

NOT A CHANCE!


Until you can demonstrate that you are safe and willing to do whatever it takes... She needs the insurance and safety the courts have to offer.

Please realize that recovery is a marathon, not a 50 yard dash. It's going to take a great deal of actions and consistency on your part over the long haul!

So get over yourself and get back to work on meeting her requirements, OK!

Kiss, there is only one way that I would suggest that your BW consider dropping the court dates, and that would be if you would agree to everything she is asking for regarding child visitation, and child support, in writing, legally binding, and in her favour.

Why should you do this? Because you betrayed her, and you destroyed your marriage with your actions.

Now, how can we help you fix your marriage?

Have you read everything you can on this site?

Have you did EVERYTHING to ensure NC with this OW? Have you ensured that you are safe for your BW by insisting on EPs YOURSELF and working towards having an affair proof marriage?

Your silence makes me wonder just how serious you are about saving your M.

When you're serious, you leave no stone unturned. You do anything and everything that might help, including talking to a bunch of strangers on an internet board, who claim they are able to help you.

We claim it, because we ARE able to help you.

I understand now why we had to go to court for the child support hearing. It was so she had reassurance. We had our hearing yesterday and we agreed on everything. I also went for the STD test she wanted. We spent the entire day together. It was painful at times but it was a great day. I truely love my wife and im willing to do what ever it takes to win her back.

zibbles,
Thanks for your story it deffinity helps. I am trying to see every situation from her side and give her the reassurance and stability that she needs. I am trying to help rebuild our friendship,trust and marriage.
We have been trying to focus on time with the kids but what is different now is that I feel that we are both so focused on each others needs. I feel that this is something that has been nonexistant for a long time if ever in our marriage before.
I am truely in love with my wife and willing to do what ever it takes. She is a remarkable woman and I hate being away from her. I now charish every moment with her. When im away from her im filled with overwhelming anticipation of seeing her and holding her the next time.

Thanks again for your help and support.
KISS

Really Kiss? Such as...what exactly?

Would you list?

Ens? And exactly how you are meeting them? And, what are your wife's requirements to recover your M?

Your words are nice...what are you doing?

Kiss, you do not try. You do. Period. List what you're doing right now.

I apologize if I've mentioned this before, but if you read the first few pages of my story, linked below, you will see very clearly the difference between AJ before, and AJ after.

During the first, failed recovery, he simply wanted his own pain to stop.

During the second, successful recovery, he hit rock bottom, truly repented, and it changed every thought pattern and every action. He also cared more about healing my pain that he had caused, than whatever he suffered at his own hand.

You're not there yet, but I have lots of hope that you'll get there in the future.

You dont win her back, you EARN her back. Words are nice but they are hollow and mean nothing. Actions, EP and just compensation.

Good job Kiss. You are starting to take some small steps. I want to emphasize small because I still get the sense that you have no idea of how much destruction you've caused here. It's very painful to face that. VERY PAINFUL.

You're going to have to make major adjustments in your lifestyle, the way you think about your marriage and family and in how you see yourself. It's not going to be easy and you've barely scratched the surface.

Show us what you've working on here. What extraordinary precautions are you putting into place? How are you offering your wife just compensation?

Healing from infidelity and creating a better marriage is not like a light switch that you just turn on and assume it's all better. It's a whole new way of being...a new way of thinking and behaving and it takes time and dedication.

I get the feeling you don't really get it yet but I am glad to see you trying. KEEP GOING and keep an eye on the part of you that wants to feel sorry for yourself as this is completely and totally unacceptable.

Yesterday I went to marriage counseling with my wife and she continues to say that we arent going anywhere because I havent been able to go on this web site and post. I have been doing everything we she asks other wise. I am not one to read or use a computer much. She says how important this is to her so I do try to put something on here but half the time I have no idea what to post. Should this be like face book am I supposed to use this like a diary? Not that I even use face book or even know really what it is. I try to make her feel secure constantly and im always trying to spend time with her and make her happy.
Everything else seems to be very good. We have been going to the movies,spending family time together and having fun. I just don't know how to continue to move forward? I have no problem going to see a counseler and talking about our issues and what we are working on. I am willing to do anything to make her feel secure and I want to build her trust back in me.

Your wife probably wants you to answer the questions that people post to you on here.
Can you drop the MC and call the coaching center here?

It may be more per session, but you'll need way fewer appointments to accomplish the same thing.