We're not asking you to become a selfish person, Starfish.
When we ask you to think about/take care of yourself, we mean consider & establish an 'ideal woman' that you aspire to become. Then, make that your goal.

You will progress in confidence & strength when you do this.
Never perfect. Always making progress.

In no situation would you offer blanket forgiveness anyway. Forgiveness has to be earned. Of course you deserve better than a wayward! No one disputes that. But emotions change from day to day. Logic does not.

As Susie Q said. Plan B was never about him. It was never supposed to be a test of how quickly he would repent. Nor was it 'let's see what he does when I am not around'.

Plan B is for YOUR personal recovery and you are so clearly not ready for a divorce, other than one on paper.

I know you are relishing trying the one way you are allowed to lash out at him in Plan B. With divorce papers.

But that is not the attitude to take with Divorce. Nor do I think you appreciate how much it will hurt YOU to divorce before you are ready.

Please start thinking more about YOU rather than what he is doing, saying, thinking, feeling, may or may not have done in the past, may or may not do in the future. Start thinking about whether YOU are ready to D, whether you can experience a determination to do so which is apart from anger and that you have that feeling for a long period of time.

Thinking about how much you can hurt him with D papers is POINTLESS. You're poking a dumb drunk with a stick.



You haven't let go yet. Hopefully the GPS was the last thing you were holding on to that connected you to him



Well this is your main job for the next six months at least, so get to work on that. You'll get 2x4s until you get it right. Cause we love ya.

Change of email is happening when?

Next Plan B treat is happening when?

Star, I am glad that you fessed up. You know what you did went against the plans, and you did it anyways. How does it feel? Awful, right? That's why we told you not to do it. How does your WH feel about your slip in PB? Well, he doesn't even know about it, so it made no difference to him.

You are essentially living a new DDay and the emotions on DDay are devastating. We often tell BSs not to react to their wayward's actions but instead, they must ACT on their own plans.

Honestly, Star, I'm not trying to be cruel, but nothing has changed in you sitch. The only thing that happened is that you have knowledge that you shouldn't have.

Could my WH have spent countless of days with many OW ove the past 2.5 years I've been in PB? Certainly. Would that affect if I would consider recovery? Most likely. Thing is, I don't know about it. And I wouldn't know about it.

There is going to come a time, in the near future that you will justify your snooping as something good. It wasn't good for your Plan B.

Think about the reason that you snooped. It was you breaking your PB. Last time, you completely broke your PB by direct contact with your WH. This time, you allowed yourself to break your PB and you justified it by saying that it wasn't as bad as last time. That is dangerously close to what a wayward does to justify their actions.

Listen to Pep, Indie, Susie and the others who are telling you, not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.

There were holes in my PB. I was not perfect. It's not easy. I know that Plna D is not going to be easy but I can GUARANTEE that with the help of Pb, and MB, I am a lot closer to that option than had I tried it on my own.

And don't dismiss Pep's advice about not dating. There are going to be moments when those thoughts will creep in. I've had them. My boundaries stayed up HIGH in the beginning and they only got higher as I realized how easily someone, who is hurting can fall down that slippery slope. None of us want to see you go wayward.

How are you going star?

Star,

It appears that when people give you feedback where you need to correct your thinking and acting you disappear. Either you believe in MB or you don't. Don't waiste a lot of good people's time if you are not going to listen and grown.

I agree with Pep you do need to learn not to be so reactionary and to control you emotions.

Let us know how you are doing.

ba

I'm doing good... Rough day, but very busy!

I have no desire, interest, etc. of turning wayward. It won't happen. That's not any interest to me right now, dating, etc. if it becomes a concern I will post and let you all know. I took my marriage vows with every part of my being and heart! I will never betray the vows I took, until long after D. I know myself well enough to say this.

I haven't been ignoring advice here at all, instead I had a very busy day. I went and paid a retainer for an attorney today to help me protect myself financially. Doesn't mean I have to follow through with divorce, but then again, I'm dealing with a serial cheater and believe that I can never trust him again. His IC is having to peel the layers back like an onion, so it could take him forever and I personally don't have forever to wait for him. This wasn't the life I chose... I have to do and WILL DO what is best for me! I have been strong throughout all of this, and yes I've had my weak moments too.... I still have grieving yet to do, but I've had enough and don't think I want to know anymore, as it's not going to matter to me at this point. I could forgive one affair, possibly two, but I cannot deal with a serial cheater and a secret 2nd life. Thank God I didn't have any children with him! As painful as infertility has been, I believe it was for a reason.

WH came by the house today at lunch (no idea why), but I had IM let him know that he could pick up his mail at my mom's house. My mom doesn't want to see him right now either, so we forwarded to his new address. I of course didn't answer the door when he came by and hid in the bathroom with the dogs. I was worried that he might have heard them bark a few times. I tried so keep them quiet by consoling them and letting them kiss me, but it was still hard! I had all of the blinds closed (no way to live). My mom said I need sunshine, but I'm worried about him seeing inside, me or the dogs.

Also, I'm nervous about posting anything regarding D right now, as I'm afraid my WH might find my thread. We started using the MB questionnaires in MC and he knows I thought highly of the site, etc. if his mind starts wandering, then he could find this thread and I'm worried.

Much easier said than done... Please let me know how you did this and how it changed you and tge outcome of your sutuation or you as a person. I'm not always emotional, but I am allowed to feel and have emotions as I'm a human being. I feel that I've been rather calm thought my whole ordeal, kind, consoling, thankful for the truth that has been revealed so far, patient, etc.

Yes, I checked my GPS and confirmed my suspicions. Do I have this app anymore? NO! I deleted it. I have no way of checking on WH right now and trying my hardest to do what is best for me!

Heading to bed... I'm exhausted! Hope you all have a great night!

I was thinking about you tonigh - glad you're in a good dark plan B.

Had an hour home from the Evet dropping off a sick kitty. Hate it when the furchildren get sick and it's no cheaper than the people hospital! LOL

Can't sleep tonight. Started AD's two nights ago. Nervous stomach, but not sure it's because of the AD's. My mind won't stop running... I am feeling very down tonight! . It's just so hard to comprehend everything and I'm feeling such a sense of loss tonight. I'm missing the life and love I thought we had.

Although it doesnt feel like it, this is good for you Star.

Letting go of a fruitless battle and doing the work on yourself. Grieving. You're one step closer to healing tonight.

It's like painful physio aimed to eventually get you back on your feet. No pain, no gain.

Remember to make use of F&F support and to make regular self care plans.

I know you can do it, once that incredible stregnth of yours is redirected towards helping yourself. Hugs.

Difficulty in sleeping is, unfortunately, normal, at least for a while.

I had a very hard time sleeping for some weeks after D-Day. And I never even went into Plan B. It's a horrible time where your world feels upside-down, and everything seems unbelievable while you process what you have just been through.

The ADs probably won't help much with sleeping; they will help your emotions over the next few weeks though. You might ask your doctor for a light sleeping medication that will help get you to sleep and keep you asleep. Many are not habit-forming, although my doc said it's possible to come to depend on them mentally.

Keep surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. Get out for pretty walks and exercise. Eat healthy meals and snacks. Do nice things for yourself. Eventually your mind will stop churning and your tummy will settle down, along with your frayed nerves.

I still struggle with sleeping, a year on! Even though I dont have any noticeable depression to speak of any more, every now and then the sleepnessness comes back for a few days. Its the only way I have of knowing that I still have 'low' plan B rollercoaster days. I find it quite a useful tracker of my progress, as they get further apart all the time.

I just nap when I can in the daytime to make up for it and wait for it to even out again. It usually does.

Sorry you can't sleep Star. I'm unsure of what symptoms AD's can give, I didn't take them myself. But I do know that after D Day and during early Plan B, I definitely had the nervous stomach and anxiety. I even had night sweats, something I had never had before and never want again!!!

I know during early Plan B I felt I had lost a limb, no longer having my H in my life. I felt I had to learn to walk again. Your MB name has me curious, I was reminded the other week during a quiz at work about your thread. Apparently, starfish often lose limbs as a defence mechanism against predators. Over time, they can grow a limb back. At the time I learned this you were in Plan A... now you are in Plan B, I thought I would raise it. Maybe you already know this. I just thought it was worth pointing out in case you didn't.

And maybe some useless trivia will help you sleep!

Very interesting info on the starfish!!!
I love starfish and anything having to do with sea life!

I have an appt with my IC in 20 minutes. Thoughts were racing through my head last night. Thinking about how hateful my BIL was to me and he still hasn't apologized. Thinking if I'm making the right decisions, questioning the last nine years, but also remembering a lot of good and happy times. I'm mourning for the man I met and fell in love with and devastated that my dreams have been shattered at having a family with him someday.

One of my neighbors doesn't understand Plan B and she told me that she thinks we need to communicate which really ticked me off! I have tried every possible way to communicate with him and giving him a safe haven to open up to me. I have nothing left to give to him. Some people just don't understand!

I have so much paperwork to complete for my attorney (financial) by tomorrow. Breaking everything down is making it more of a reality. I know I'm making the right decision for myself, but it's still hard!

Sleeplessness is grief and withdrawal and if you stay in a true plan B....you will get through it faster than if you do not.

I had so many people say this to me on the dawn of Plan B: 'How can you get 'closure' without talking?' 'Eventually you two will need to talk'.

Basically just parroting hippy nonsense they had heard on TV.

People who have never had an actual wayward on their hands dont understand that communication with a pathological liar is never going to work!

That the best way of getting 'closure' (how I loathe that word) is closing the door, not keeping it open.

Strangely enough the same people who gave that advice now think I got it right. Within a few months they saw I was happy and marvelled.

Wait and see.

Just an update... Still in Plan B!

Yesterday was the most difficult day so far... I met with the attorney that I retained. Everybody seems to think I'm making the right decision, but I'm still having a hard time at the thought of D.

Feeling a little better today... Washed my car, did some laundry and went for a quick dip in the pool!

A married couple (mutual friends of the marriage) each sent WH and I the following video yesterday:



I accidentally found out the they sent it to WH too, because the female friend accudentally told me and then said the next day asked if he could join them for church. The couple in the video belong to their church and it was viewed on Easter Sunday by the entire congregation. Thought I would share...

Our 5 year anniversary is this Saturday and two of my girlfriends invited me to have dinner with them so I'm not lonely...

Since you're in Plan B did you tell this friend of yours that you don't want to hear anything about him?

This is A hole for you.