Update:

My pastor called yesterday wanting to get some info. He stated that my wxw and her mother called him claiming I had abandoned DD. He said wxw was crying about having to answer questions.

Her claims were based on me not answering dd's calls (which come from wxw's phone #). I told him I dont answer any calls from that number. I also told him she failed to mention she did not have dd at drop off point on Sunday as normal and then, I assume, called 2-3 hours later trying to make some different arrangements. That wasnt my fault.

And yes, i'm back in plan b...

Did you tell pastor that you have an intermediary who could have contacted you to let you know about changes in parenting plans?

He's aware that one had been put in place but he's also aware that she has adamantly refused to use them. She has been getting around it any way she can.

For a while, she was sending messages thru the pastor until he told her he would no longer pass them. She had mil leave messages on my phone since I wouldnt answer the calls. Now she has DD call from her after school program with details.

He was surprised to hear she failed to follow our agreement for Sunday because it was all my fault. Imagine that.

Have your IM contact her and state that all scheduling plans and changes of plans go through them in all instances so that it is clarified for all. In order for there to be no misunderstandings or lack of communication about them. Matter of factly.

If you are only going to accept communications through your IM, then you need to only accept communications through your IM.

If your MIL leaves a message on your answering machine, and it is from your WxW, you ignore it.

If your DD passes on something to you, you pretend it didn't happen.

Anytime your WxW sends messages through someone other than your IM, you ignore it.

I actually feel like breaking plan b was a mistake and not so much for my well being. Allowing her to comfort me during the loss of my grandfather and my subsequent thank you phone call might have given her the wrong impression.

I believe she now thinks it okay to call me or have DD call. She thinks i should respond to the messages now. She wants DD to be able to talk to me whenever she wants to.

Can you get your DD a Pay as you Go cell that she can use when she wants to call you? Or, could you have a code, where she calls and lets it ring twice, hangs up, and then calls back. This way you will know it is your DD instead of your WxW.

Do you think it may be in your best interest to have your IM send an email reiterating NC?

Right now, i can't afford another phone. The code idea does sound good, though. DD will be with me tomorrow so i will get that done asap.

As for the im, i hope they are still willing. They havent been utilized since ww wouldnt respond. I'll contact them and see.

You see, that code thing is what we used to do in the good ol days, before call display, when I would call my parents. It can work, and you can let your DD know not to tell her mom.

Hopefully, your IM would still be willing. Also, have your IM make it clear to your WxW that any changes in visitations, etc, would need at least 48 hours notice, so there is a chance to get YOUR response. Sometimes, people expect IMMEDIATE answers to their questions.

The telling her mom thing is what i'm worried about. She WILL BE asked.

I'm optimistic about the im.

All of the suggestions have been taken care of. My IM was willing to resume and quickly sent an email stating so.

I drilled our code with DD and she seems to get it (she's VERY smart). We'll see how it goes.

I did recieve an email from wxw this morning (which went unread and quickly deleted) probably stating she would not communicate that way. Whatever it was, it's gone.

Cool!

(xww doesn't 'own' you anymore!)

Change your email address, then your WxW's emails won't matter cuz you won't even know they are there.

Well, the arrangement made with DD concerning her calling me will be short-lived. She called this morning and followed the plan perfectly. The problem is the short conversation was nothing but her passing along info from wxw who was heard in the background.

It's gonna pain me to have to do it but i will have to ignore everything i was told in order to set the standard for communication regarding her. She is only 8 and it is not and should not be her responsiblity to serve as IM.

I know much in terms of negative words will be said tomorrow when I don't heed what i've been told. My pastor has been made aware since wxw always calls him when something happens. He understands.

I did make sure that i reminded him i am not the cause of any of these issues. He agreed.

Mark, you need to take action here... I am not experienced in how to handle kids in Plan B not having any of my own, but right now, your DD has been piggy in the middle. This is not fair or right for her.

I don't see how you can ignore this. If you HEARD WXW giving instructions... shut it down. Have your IM contact WXW and reiterate that ANY messages are to be passed through IM who decides if it is relevant or not. Should your DD be getting used as a means of communication, tell DD that you love her, but that it is NOT her job to repeat adult communication. Explain the role of the IM and that this is how her mother should communicate to you. Hopefully DD will understand, and may even start telling her mother to contact the IM.

Your WXW has not used IM so far. Ensure she understands your DD will not be IM, under any circumstances.

Given this was so soon after IM was reinstated, I would have chosen to have IM send a message explaining that the message was deleted unread, and if WXW had any important message to communicate to please contact the IM.

Be a broken record mark. Train your WXW. If she can't reach you any other way (including shutting down your pastor) she will likely play ball. Or not. But that is at her loss, because her messages won't reach you when she really wants them to.

I have asked IM to send another messag basically stating that all other attempts of communication will be ignored other than through IM. We'll see what happens.

To all who have followed my long story, I just wa.ted to share a few things ive come to realize...

As I sat and thought through a few things that have happened since my now 18 month saga began, I'm firmly convinced this whole situation has had less to do with my relationship with my wxw and more to do about my relationship with God. I do realize there were mistakes I made during my marriage, as we all have, but I believe there was a much deeper purpose.

I WAS a minister who didnt have an intimate relationship with God and really and truly wasnt seeking one. While I believe ministry is my calling, I wasnt personally trying to get closer to him. I didnt have a regular prayer life. I didnt have regular bible study. When I did study, it was simply for the purpose of preaching (i'm an associate minister who preaches an avg of 4-5 times a yr). I had a porn addiction that consumed me. Knowing it was wrong, most of the time I would stop long enough to prepare a sermon, only to resume after the sermon was delivered.

The minor aspects of all i've gone thru, imho, was my lack of understanding about marriage and being a Godly husband.

On the outside, everyone may have believed I had it all together with my family, my faith, etc. but I was living a lie. I knew it but more importantly God knew it. Sometimes, we have to be stripped of everything in order to realize certain things.

It has been a painful process to endure but the future benefits will out weigh the hurt that I went through. I now pray regularly, usually several times a day. I have a devotional period everyday that I actually look forward to, anticipating a daily encounter with God. The porn is gone and I don't really miss it. I've learned a lot of lessons I would have never learned had I not gone thru it all.

I never thought I would ever say this, but i'm actually thankful for the experience.

Mark, it wasn't God's purpose and you aren't thankful being betrayed (because that would be cruel of him and being betrayed just plain sucks)

but

it is sure nice to have some very cool results despite it all!

Reading, it does seem so contradictory but scripture is full of examples of God allowing evil for a greater good. He used a sinful nation to punish Israel. He allowed Joseph to endure been a slave and a prisoner to save his people in the end. He let Lazarus die (Jesus intentionally stayed away after hearing of the sickness and even said he was glad about it - John 11:15). There are many other examples as well. All were for the purpose of accomplishing His purpose.

What is His purpose for my experiences? I can't say for sure but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that His glory is the end result. What matters to Him the most is our relationship with Him and sometimes He has to use extreme measures to get our attention.