since my husband's 3 year affair which involved an seperate apartment, secret phone and financial support of the other women, he's been trying everything possible to win me back. However he didn't truly give his all until the other women said they had no future. I feel as if he really didn't want me but he's financially and professionally vested in me and can't just walk away without suffering a hit to his public image and career. I've been moving forward in the marriage for almost 2 years now since discovering the affair and I still don't believe in the relationship despite everything he's done to try and recover. Should I just move on. I'm sad most of the time and cannot open my heart to him no matter how hard I try. Advice please!!!

Welcome and I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Dr. Harley has a very good program to recover from an affair, but you must follow every step.

Please read this How To Survive an Affair
Who has your WH's affair been exposed to?

Buy the book Surviving an Affair.

Has all forms of communication he had with his OW been closed down? Did he write her a NC letter? Do you have full transparency?

How old are you both? Any kids and ages? How long have you been M?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Lashelle. Can you give us a little more info? How old are you both? How long married? Any kids?

Who were the OW? Neighbors, co-workers? Escorts? You mentioned multiple OW - can you tell us more about that?

Sorry for the typo. The post should have read other woman although there were other women as well. Currently we are following Dr. Harley's plan to the letter. He's fully compliant but it took so much pain to get here that now that we've arrived I feel empty. I probably should have left sooner and came back to him. He's doing everything right but I can't seem to get over everything he's done. I have many triggers because the affair took place in our home where we still live and at our office where I still work. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I just need this to get better so we can keep the family together but it seems he can't make this right for me.

Me 41
Husband 45
son 4
Married 16 years
Other women 33
DD 10/30/10
Affair lasted 3 years

Have you exposed any of his affairs?

Please read this. Exposure 101

What do you know about all his OW? Married?

Lashelle, it would probably help tremendously if you got out of the environment where the affairs happened. It might take some time, but I would work on getting a different house and work environment.

Has your husband changed his life in a radical way that eliminates the environment that allowed his affairs to happen? Is his life so transparent now that he can't carry on an affair? What have you done to affair proof your marriage?

And if the OW were married, do their husbands know?

My husband has become a new person in this process. God has literally transformed him which is why this is so difficult for me. Now that he's the model husband,I can't move on and receive this new man. I seem to be stuck in all the pain of our past and it makes me feel trapped. Maybe someone can tell me this will pass.

So did he write NC letters to all his OW?
Is he being 100% transparent to you with all his email, phone, everything?

We are very much action orientated around here and so what has he done to deserve your "forgiveness"?

Dr. Harley has a very clear path on how to overcome an affair. Can you tell us what he has done? Have all the BH of these OW been informed?

Please listen to this radio clip from Dr. Harley talking about the path that needs to be taken to recover from an affair and just compensation.
Radio Clip on The path to recover from an affair

Maybe you should consult with your physician.
Are you clinically depressed?

He didn't do a no contact letter but he broke it off with her over the phone in my presence. She responded by repeatedly screaming "did you tell her we had sex in your house" and hung up the phone. Two minutes later she called me directly and gave the entire run down of their 3 year relationship. It was grueling and it still stings when I recall the things she said. The sadest part is that I knew much of what she said was true. My husband became the most heartless person I know during his affair. The experience has changed me for life and its hard being with the person who caused you the greatest pain you've ever known. Sometimes just looking at him makes me sick to my stomach. I hate feeling this way as we have a wonderful 4 year old son who adores his dad.

I definitely believe I experienced clinical depression but was never treated. My husband was living a double life very similiar to the lifestyle of Tiger Woods. No one would have believed the behaviors he was engaged in especially me. He says he was sick but I'm not so sure. Counselors have to told us he was just extremely immature and became a child again.
Even the mistress said he acted like he wanted to be a kid again. The hardest part of it all is that he kept a high end loft apartment for his mistress while my son and I scraped by...me juggling bills, draining our savings because he was squandering our money (that I helped earn) on a lavish lifestyle with this other women. It's been two years and it still hurts so bad to know how little he cared for me or his son. The irony is that he says he never loved her and always wanted his family. I don't worry about her in his life anymore because he financially supported her and when that stopped she had to find a new sponsor quick. I really believe she moved back to her hometown. It's as if WH is just here by default. I think he would have continued to sneak around with her forever and maintain the benefits of marriage.
She was his addiction and he would have done anything to be with her. OUCH!!!!

lashelle, you said earlier that you have followed dr harley's advice "to the letter." can you tell us some of this? what happened after he ended the adultery w/OW? list the steps you have taken in your recover plan and how WH has demonstrated his action towards recovery. it sounds like he hasn't, which is why you are feeling this way. also, if you are suffering depression, please, please get to your dr. as soon as possible.

He has done the following:
cut off access to all female friends
gave me unfettered access to his cell phone, phone records and email account.
changed cell phone number
home every evening by 6:30 pm
we attend all recreational activities together with our son
bought me a new $20K ring
shares his feelings with me

In all honesty I'm not the least bit concerned about him repeating his mistake as it has cost him sooo much emotionally and financially. He realizes the absolute miracle he's enjoying and is still in disbelief that I chose to stay.
My issue is that I can't find a way to respect a man that had no boundaries and I'm not convinced that he's
not just here by default and to protect his reputation.

Check out this article: Overcoming Resentment What articles have you read on this site?