I am sorry it hasn't worked out, Jennifer. You will be in good hands over here.

Thanks ML, I really appreciate your wisdom and guidance.

I've decided to give up on trying to fix up this house. I'm at peace with all the repercussions of that, financial, etc. But it feels good to realize that I don't have to accomplish the impossible. And it feels soooo much better to start immediately focusing on what is important...my children and their mental health. This horrid renovation-gone-wrong has caused a great deal of stress on my kids, as it has on me, and the only way to start eliminating that stress is to STOP PLAYING THE GAME!

I have worked now extensively on the main house to try and move it along. But because I do not have much time to devote to it, since I work full time plus have a 2 hour daily round trip commute, and have three young children, there is just not enough time for me to complete it. In addition, since my H has insisted on living on and using the areas which are in need of work, he manages to undo a lot of my progress by mess-making. He also undoes my progress by working on it in ways that are counter to the professional, and therefore, requiring work to be re-done. I have been unwittingly participating in a game of catch-up, and I am going to stop doing so.

So...I'm looking at other places to live and planning for a real, true PLAN B!!!

Bravo to you, Jennifer! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jennifer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Divorce is really hard, especially going back to the previous life!

**edit**

Okay, moving closer to plan B! I may have found a place to rent, and will look at it tomorrow, it's actually owned by someone from my church, and within walking distance to the church and in the school zone for my kids (currently I have to drop them off because they don't go to their zoned school). And I've bought some of the furniture we need in the last couple of days, so it's all looking good. I could move on May 1st!!!!! I'm so excited! I kind of let it slip to the kids today, because they were wondering about the shelf in the car when I picked them up and kept asking questions. Mom, are we moving? Possibly. Are we moving into the front house? No, it isn't ready to be moved into. Are we moving into another house? Possibly. Oh, yea! Can we move in a house near church? Near our school? Mom, maybe we can be in a neighborhood! Maybe we can have three bedrooms! It was just perfect, and they managed to describe the house I'm looking at almost to a T. So it seems like I've found a door.

The kids ran up to H and told him "We might move into another house!" He's been really quiet and lurking a lot. I'm sure he's realizing what's coming, I mean I told him it was likely, but I don't think he really believes that I can do it.

I need to finish tweaking my plan b letter and addendum and then I'll post for comments.

I'm so happy for you. So do the kid's know your WH won't be moving with you?

You've probably seen these, but they'll help you with your letters and preparation.
Plan B letter samples
Parallel Parenting

I'm sorry to say this, but you're too soon into this to reach acceptance. Acceptance comes without tears.

Indifference is a glorious state where you no longer care at all about the other person in either a good or bad way.

The most likely stage you're ready to enter is anger. You'll know it when you're there. It is really ugly and a stage where your head is filled with really dark thoughts.

But if you're still shedding tears, you're not at acceptance. If anything, you're still in denial, which doesn't mean that you don't consciously recognize what is happening, but you're still questioning why it is happening and why it has to be that way.

Unless, of course, you're shedding tears out of anger.

Don't rush the process. If you feel like crying, cry. It's ok.

Thanks Help, I'm still kind of all over the place. I'm definitely more realistic, though. That's more what I mean about acceptance...I'm not trying to fight for what I "want" but instead going with the flow of what is happening. More peace. But that also means giving up the dream that it will work out the way I "want" which is us together, happy, romantic, etc.

Today I looked at the rental and it looked great! I see some pleasant days ahead for my kids and me. I could actually set it up as a four bedroom, which would be great. I'm excited about the idea of providing a good home for my family.

As soon as my last little one goes to bed I'm going to work on the plan b letter.

I posted these to you earlier but don't know if you saw them. They will help you get prepared.

Plan B sample letters
Parallel Parenting

Thanks, Brainhurts, those have been very helpful.

So, here's the draft of my letter.

Dear Husband,

I still love you. I still have faith in you. I still have faith in us, that as the parents of our wonderful, amazing son, we can provide for him together better than we can provide for him separately. I believe that together, we can show him a loving, romantic marriage, that he will be able to one day have. We both grew up in broken homes, and that has scarred us, given us a distorted view of what marriage should be. The idea that we will do the same thing to our son devastates me. And I truly believe there is a way that we could have a romantic, fulfilling, healthy marriage, which would give our son the best chance in life of having happiness himself.

On the day our son was born, we were a team. We were 100% committed to each other, we were open and honest, and we did everything in our power not to hurt one another. If we made mistakes, we owned up to them. You were actually the best example I could have hoped for as someone who took responsibility for harms you caused and made amends for them. I saw what you did, reaped the benefits of it, but failed to do so myself.

I know that I caused you a lot of grief in our marriage as the stress grew on us financially, materially, and socially, and I became critical of you. Instead of setting healthy boundaries, I demanded that you do things differently, and of course, it didn�t work, and only harmed our relationship. I am deeply sorry for the mistakes I have made. I�m committed to recognizing and acknowledging ways that I could make our marriage amazing, instead of dreadful. I would love to have an opportunity to interact with you in the way I should have.

I also came to realize that although you were comfortable making amends for mistakes you felt you made, you were not willing to acknowledge or make up for ways that you failed to meet my needs or caused pain to me if you did not want to accept responsibility for certain things. If our marriage were to ever recover, you would have to be open to trying to see our relationship from my point of view, and I would have to see it from yours, in order for us to not hurt one another.


I miss the fun we�ve had together. I miss participating in social causes, attending festivals on the weekends, working on a garden together, working on projects together. I really loved helping you with your work, the evenings in G-- when we would head out to the shop, blast the music, and make things. It filled me up with happiness to work with you like that. I miss our road trips�exploring along the coast, talking about what we liked and didn�t like about different places. I miss planning for future sailing trips. Every time I see a sailboat, I long for it, to go out there with our children and enjoy the air, the power of the wind in the sails, the confidence I had in you, my captain, and the wonderful way you were willing to teach me how to be the best mate possible. I miss these things so much.

When we found this house, it seemed to fill so many dreams�the view, the quaint little town, the chance to work on a project together. But unfortunately, it has been a poison in our marriage. It has divided rather than united us. Instead of being the project we would work on together, it became the project that divided us. I know it wasn�t the only thing, I know there were other issues, but I don�t believe we would be facing divorce today if we hadn�t have bought this house. And I would gladly give the house up in order to have our marriage.

However, I�ve learned a lot in the last 9 months. Unfortunately, I learned that you have not been honest with me. Your contact with Jessica last year was inappropriate. She was meeting your emotional needs, and you were meeting hers, and you were doing it secretly. You were stealing from our marriage, so to speak. In order for us to have any chance of having a marriage together, a partnership against all obstacles that come our way, a romance that will last until we die, you would need to end ALL CONTACT with Jessica for life, agree to complete honesty and openness with me, and agree to work on our marriage.

My dear husband, as much as I love you, continued contact with you is too painful for me when you are not committed to our marriage. I have a hole in my heart, and only one of two things can heal it at this point: 1) us recovering our marriage and making it better than ever or 2) having no contact with the person you are today, because it reminds me too painfully of the man I fell in love with and committed to share my life with. I have no choice about the marriage, at this point, you are choosing not to continue it, and I accept that as painful as it is.

The door is not closed. I am open to recovering our marriage if you are willing to agree to certain conditions and committing to certain changes. At this point I have to protect the love I still have for you from further deterioration, and the only way to do that is to end all contact with you unless you agree to commit to rebuilding our marriage into a passionate, romantic, fulfilling, healthy relationship. Although I will no longer accept any contact from you, ___ will be available to act as an intermediary between us and handle any necessary communication about our son or finances. Should you decide you want to recover our marriage, she will accept information about that and forward it to me.

So...please give me help and suggestions.

Jennifer, that is a great letter. I would move some parts around so he gets the point sooner and be a little more direct. I also needs to be shorter. Less is better in Plan B letters because he is detached.

Dear WS, I still love you. I still have faith in you. I still have faith in us, that as the parents of our wonderful, amazing son, we can provide for him together better than we can provide for him separately. I believe that together, we can show him a loving, romantic marriage, that he will be able to one day have. I truly believe there is a way that we could have a romantic, fulfilling, healthy marriage, which would give our son the best chance in life of having happiness himself.

I miss the fun we�ve had together. I miss participating in social causes, attending festivals on the weekends, working on a garden together, working on projects together. I really loved helping you with your work, the evenings in G-- when we would head out to the shop, blast the music, and make things. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs.

But I cannot do that until you make a committment to repair our marriage and end your relationship with Jessica. Until you end all contact with Jessica and commit to our marriage, I cannot have any contact with you. Please send any pertinent communication about the children through our friend, Sally, who has agreed to be an intermediary.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your indifference to our marriage and your relationship with Jessica. I simply cannot be with you any longer. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

All my love, Jennifer

Good job on the letter and I would use Mel's suggestions.

So when's your launch date? Remember to Plan A like a rockstar up until you give him the Plan B letter.

Do your kids know " dad isn't moving with you"?

Did you get the new place locked down for yourself?
You will really begin to heal like Dr. H told you about going into Plan B.

Thanks ML and BH! Good suggestions. I'm not sure how much a factor the OW is, I think I caught him in time and he discontinued contact. But she is still a fantasy. Anyways, I do think I should include the information about the house, because I think in a lot of ways that has been a bigger factor in EN/LB problems that made him ripe to look elsewhere. So, I think I will keep that section in, what do you think?

I had a conversation with him today that may have been more frank than I should have been. He asked if I was definitely moving out and I said at this point, yes. I also told him that I would not have contact with him after that. He said he doesn't want the house, that the only reason he was staying here was because of his son. I said that it didn't really matter to me at this point, because I couldn't provide for the kids like I should be in this environment, and that I can do better if we move, and that they need it. I also pointed out that I had tried to offer suggestions where both our needs could be met here, but that he wasn't willing to meet me halfway to make this situation work for me. Was that LB'ing?

On the issue of Plan A...man oh man, I've been in plan A waaaaay longer than is healthy. It's funny, I've sort of reached a zen about it, in that I don't get upset about anything, and if I do enact honesty that I know he will take with hurt, I can do it as gently but firmly as possible. But still...it's more than I should have done at this point.

About the kids...the girls understand, I'm not totally sure if our son does. I haven't said anything definite about it yet, because no one has asked me outright.

Launch date...It's available May 1st, I'm thinking I'll move starting that next weekend. Should I figure out how to move in one fell swoop? I'm kind of worried about that. I haven't totally locked down the place as in signed a lease, but he's holding it for me. The owner/landlord really wants to help us out and will be wonderful. He's going to buy a fridge and put down fresh sod, paint, etc. It'll be great, and I can't wait.

Jennifer, I would get moved out, establish a visitation routine and then go into Plan B. Don't tell him you are going to cut off all contact.

The reason I took out the part about the house is because it is not needed in a Plan B letter and because the letter needs to be short. You don't have room for superfluous information.

Lock down your place and move all in one swoop.

Do you have an IM? IM training school

It's a little too late to tell him I won't have contact after I move, I already did. I had previously told him that after the divorce was finalized, if that ended up happening, that I wouldn't have contact with him.

I've been doing a good plan A, though, good domestic support admiration, etc., but also honesty. I told him that I didn't want to have to do this, but it was necessary under the circumstance of us not reconciling and the condition of the home. I told him that I really wanted a future for us together but had to accept that I couldn't control that, but I still wanted him to know I was open to it. I told him he was my best friend and that I was going to miss him. He has been pretty friendly and appreciative. I think he's realizing what is at stake, but I don't know if he understands that this is a ball rolling that will require a lot of work to stop. I think he doesn't take me very seriously (and heck, given what I've been willing to put up with this last year+, I obviously haven't taken myself very seriously).

I have someone in mind for IM but haven't talked to her about it directly yet (I did talk to her about no contact and she loved the idea, and as I got to thinking I thought she'd be open to it). I'll hopefully see her tomorrow or I'll call her. I'm a little torn about church, though, it's such a huge thing for me as far as support network, and I'm not sure how I'd give it up if he wants to keep going there. It's not a large enough church that I'd be able to avoid him by any means, as it is he kind of follows me around to try and listen to what I say to people and also tries to corner me a bit as well.

H has been really helpful today on a project I was working on. And we've definitely had some nice moments. I didn't see the woman I want to ask to be IM but I'll give her a call tonight or tomorrow.

And just to add...I will move out regardless of what he says/does at this point.

Because I would need to see sustained and consistent change/responsibility/accountability on his part in order to reconcile. And my kids desperately need it.

I'm finally taking Dr. Harley's advice...and it was good advice at the time (I just wasn't willing to risk foreclosure at that time).

But...if he was willing to work towards reconciliation, agree to no contact for life, radical honesty, following MB, then I would be willing to date him, interact, etc., after I move out. Does that sound reasonable? So long as he is working to get his life in order and demonstrate responsibility. But it would have to be on my terms...so I would have to have boundaries that felt safe for me.

When you go into Plan B, you can expect him to try to get you to open up contact with him by throwing you some crumbs. The crumbs will resemble your conditions, but won't BE your conditions. It will be something like: "I would like to see each other occasionally to see where this goes." That way he can keep you on the string without making a committment to your marriage. He won't like losing control of you, so look for a half assed offer that is only designed to keep you on the farm as his "option."

Yes, and that's part of why I'm resolved to move no matter what and establish conditions that are firm and comprehensive. Because this isn't just about poor boundaries, but also about neglect in the marriage. I'm not willing to accept less than a firm, definite commitment that comes with immediate actions (and even then I might require say a month of those actions being consistent before being willing to renew contact).

I have a question, and I know I'm probably putting the cart before the horse, but how do I address the severe gaslighting in conditions for recovery?

I wouldn't put that in as a condition. If you get to a place where he indicates he is willing to meet your conditions, you will know if he is sincere or not by his behavior. If he is gaslighting you, then you will know he is not serious and can move on.