If there was a suspicious email, honestly I would read that too. Plus I sensed that something was wrong in the days between the email exchange & discovery. After having gone through this before I have developed a post-traumatic-based-intuition & I think that I would sense it again if she was having anything to do with another man.

Since I contacted him directly, I am sure that he will back off.

Here is the exact email, names omitted:


"OM,

While I understand that you & (my fiance) had some history years ago, it is time to let that go. She & I love each other regardless of what you may think. We are engaged to be married & while we suffered a bump in the road so to speak (as I am sure that you can understand happens in all relationships), we worked through that & have become a stronger, more appreciative couple.

(My fiance) has no intention of communicating with you again. This & the fact that she is my fiance is why I am the one sending you this email. I am asking you to respect us & our relationship & to cease & desist any attempt or form of communication with her. We are not interested in the fact that you will be in the area in 2 weeks & we request no further updates on your life or situations.

As a mature man of your age & experience, I am sure that you can understand. Thank you in advance for your compliance in this matter.

Sincerely,
Dimmu Borgir"

Just a couple of comments:

1. Snoop like a bloodhound. Open ALL of her emails. Imagine my surprise to find out that my FWH's affair partner was listed in his phone contacts under a business name. Waywards are crafty like that.

2. You're too damned nice, Dimmu. That email may not discourage a motivated homewrecker. If he contacts her again, you should very succinctly tell him that you will make his life a living hell for threatening your relationship. And DON'T thank him in advance for his cooperation! Sheesh!

3. If that's your real last name, go back into your post and remove it. If someone were to google your name that could potentially come up and your thread would be exposed to eyes that don't need to see it.

4. I am looking forward to hearing about your nuptials. And then I think you'll see why we've been telling you that living together isn't the same as being married. I typically don't spend a lot of time on threads of people who are having relationship issues while living together without the benefit and blessing of marriage. I've got a good feeling about you, but it's all riding on your marriage.

Maritalbliss, thank you for your continued support!

I should be totally honest here. I -do- snoop her emails regularly. There are no strange business emails. She has her friends & family that I know & the rest are from online stores. I also check the email trash bin. If the OM sends her another email, it will thread to the one that we didn't delete.

I am "nice" only because that is my way. Really it wasn't nice if he reads between the lines. The Aztecs would be poetically nice towards an enemy that they were undermining.

That isn't my real last name but rather the name of a band. Dimmu Borgir is a band from Norway.

I will definitely post information concerning the progress of my relationship into marriage. I know that she is sincere because she felt like a failure when her last marriage of six years ended. She absolutely does not want to go through another divorce. She is telling her close female friend that we are getting married.

Basically, with the sitch that was at hand with the house, money, lack of UA, an EN not being met, she yearned for the life that she had before she & I became a couple. OM tried t manipulate her. She felt that there was a way out. UA and ENs began to be met & then discovery happened. She was faced with the possibility that I would leave. During the "serious discussion", I told her that I strongly considered it. I gave her a way out, that I was willing to set her free to live life the way that she wanted, that I had a place for me & my children to go, that I would heal & move on. She had already been reexamining her sitch & decided that life with me was the best route. She told me that I truly love her & that I am the man she needs. Just today we embraced & she thanked me for loving her. I thanked her for loving me back.

Our life these past days, post discussion, has been wonderful with many moments reminiscent of the beginning of our relationship. My experiences from the past & support from family & some of you here at MB has given me the strength to forgive her & work on building a better relationship or if she wasn't willing to work on us, then I would have the strength to move on with my life.

I know that I am making the right decisions. She & I will marry. It will either be this summer or in the Fall. We just have to make sure that we can get a few days off from work.

If you want a good ole redneck South Carolina in your face letter then just let me know. I would be more than happy to help.

Your note sounds more like something that should be sent to an ambassador of a country with that country's finger on the red button.

I'm sorry, I know I'm being very blunt here, but are you a democrat?

If you sent that to me when I was trying to boff your woman I would laugh my [censored] off at you and say.....

easy nookie

Seriously though, you need to man up more here. This will not cut it. Miss Bliss has been very charitable in her description of your approach and words. As you can see, I haven't.

And you're not even married yet?

Think about this pal

Thank you for your manly contribution, Wes. The only correction I would make to your post is that I'm MRS. Bliss
Good post.

LOL...I stand properly corrected. But you have to admit that Miss Bliss does roll off the cyber-tongue smoother.

I am a conservative heathen. I would never describe myself as a Democrat!!!

It may not seem like it but I view my email as "well played." If I were to be threatening & standoffish then I would have failed. Trust me, this is the way to go. I am being the better man & my email as is constructed paves the way for me to do a lot more if the OM fails to comply. It opens the door for a personal interaction or legal action.

After my last major sitch from years ago, I have learned how to keep emotions in check & deal with certain situations without losing my cool.

Also, let us examine the sitch from the OM's point of view:

Fiance: "OM, it has been a long time. How are you?"

OM: "I am doing great, even better now that I am talking to you. How are things in your life?"

Fiance: "Well I have been feeling unhappy as of late & I am unsure if this is the life that I want."

OM: (begins manipulation)

Fiance: (begins remembering her youthful past with this scumbag player when her life was more free without responsibilities or even having to work)

She had a lapse. I discovered it. The way out was there. She chose me. If you suggest that I "man up", well if the OM doesn't respect the sitch, I will ruin his life. Plain & simple. I know what he does for a living, what he does on the side, his approximate living location, what he looks like, have his Facebook friendlist, know his nationality, his real name, his age, some of his personal interests & skillsets, know that he doesn't mind messing around with females under the age of 18, etc. It is in his best interest to forget about my fiance. This I swear on the graves of my ancestors.

Your call. Best of luck

I am open to suggestions, TigerWes.

What do want to hear? Something different from what you're hearing now? Go back and read your thread. You've been told what you need to do, but it's incumbent upon you to do it.

Alright, let's cut it down to the true nuts and bolts of this the way that I see it:

1) You're not married
2) She's already cheated on you
3) You're not married
4) This is the second time you've been to this board for help.
5) You're not married

Okay, I've never been accused of being the brightest bulb in the box, but even Ray Charles could see where this is headed.

We are getting married. We are dealing with our issues. She is not in contact with the OM. This place is about forgiveness of cheating & building a better relationship. What am I supposed to be doing? Leaver her, meet someone else, marry them & try to save that relationship if she cheats BECAUSE we are married?

Is this a Christian board?

I simply do not understand.

So we are not married yet. Big deal. Where exactly is my sitch headed after all that has been said, done & tried? Why do people think that marriage has some magickal effect on a sitch?

Would everyone's responses be different if my first post on this thread was structured like this: "So my WIFE exchanged some sexually explicit posts with OM on the internet..."?

Perhaps I am in the wrong place here. Seriously. I came here to save my relationship. Most of what I did to do that was done on my own. The OM is done, period. My fiance has expressed regret & has chosen to stay with me. We are planning on getting married. She is looking into her issues & had made major progress.

So what is it that the majority here expect me to do?

If people cheat on you before marriage, odds are good they will continue to do so. This is the job interview, Dimmu. People who flunk this tend to fail at the big thing! And she's done this TWICE!

This OM is most likely not done. Do you know why? Because you've found out about it, and they've probably taken it underground. That means that your fiance is spewing BS and you are BUYING it. LOTS of wayward women do this! Heck, lots of wayward MEN do too!

Do you really want to be back here in five years or less, with an unrepentant wayward wife and two kids, and end up paying out the rear for child support and alimony? You are not seeing the picture here.

This is the first line from your original post.

Part of Marriage Builders means learning boundaries for yourself and learning how to screen prospective marriages. An 'affair' 3 years into a dating relationship qualifies as a big red NO under MB principles, a "NO THIS PERSON IS NOT WORTHY OF MARRIAGE". Keep in mind that even if you were married, such a short-term relationship with no children together would still get the recommendation of divorce.

I don't believe you've truly learned from your previous affair incident, sorry. This is exactly the kind of red flags that recovering after divorce should teach you to be aware of, but you're ignoring it... again.

Indeed it does. End t/j

This place is about building strong marriages, recovering marriages damaged by adultery, and affair-proofing marriages to prevent adultery. (See the theme?)It's not a relationship site in the way you're trying to define it. Specifically because Dr. H knows that the dating relationship is very different from the wedded relationship.

I'm not the majority but I would suggest you
1. Set your wedding date.
2. Spend time with your girlfriend, reading the books from this site as well as the articles. Buyers Renters & Freeloaders is a must for her to read. Give it to her with a yellow highlighter and go through the book together.
3. Consider asking your girlfriend to move out until the wedding. Somehow I get the feeling that you're not going to consider marriage as a priority as long as she's already in your bed every night.

That's just me

Dimmu. We expect you to be smart and make her EARN your forgiveness and PROVE that she will change into someone who is trustworthy BEFORE you marry her. All she is doing is



Look at her "actions". The following happened while the two of you were in the middle of crisis mode!! These are her actions. She is not trustworthy and does not get it.


Why the big hurry to get married to someone you do not trust and should not trust... that's just dumb.

I didn't come here for advice on leaving my fiance because of a mistake. I did not ask anyone for that.

I was prepared to leave. She knows this. She expressed remorse, reexamined her situation, did some soul searching, realized that her past issues caused her to choose the wrong men, realized that she loves me as much as I love her & she chose me, my children, & to work hard on our relationship.

She he had anxiety, got scared & felt suffocated. OM played on this & she realizes that. Now when anything referencing that week comes up, my fiance immediately holds my hand or embraces me & tells me that she will never put me through that again & that she is mine forever. She expressed remorse in other ways too. I rearranged & improved the kitchen while making dinner at the same time. I called her in & she was amazed at what I had done & told me that she was sorry that she wasn't feeling as hungry & could only eat a small portion of the meal. She began to cry, apologize & hug me because she didn't know how busy I was & thus didn't help me with the project & thanked me for loving her.

Marriage is not a magickal thing that has any effect on whether or not a person becomes wayward. This is abjectly illogical thinking to believe so. I am sorry, however this is how I view the situation. There are people who aren't married who have been together for decades. If one becomes wayward after 20+ years, the advice from some people on this forum is that "they failed the interview" & should be left because there was never a marriage. In my opinion that is WRONG.

Love is a natural human function as is the need to reproduce. Marriage is a human institution, not a biological process. That must be remembered.


With that said, we are not going to live apart. The past couple of weeks have made us both feel like we did in the beginning, as though we are in a renewed honeymoon phase. The love & closeness that has been reborn post "serious discussion when I almost left her" is nothing short of spectacular.

We are actively meeting our En's & working hard at having our UA (sometimes things get busy but talk about it & work to make up the time.) The issues with the house are being taken care of in rapid fashion & just last night she told me how much she loves me & thanked me for taking pride in our home.

Marriage has been talked about on a daily basis & we are actively working out the plans & details. We will be married this year as originally planned. We are keeping affordable & small with each of our best friends being there so we are scheduling the event around that.

Good luck to you Dimmu.

However, people here tend to subscribe to MB principles and very few will encourage you to marry a woman you've been dating only since 2009 and has already cheated on you.

You came here in 2004 as the victim of an affair, correct? Part of recovery from that was for this big red flag to hit you upside the face when it happened and learn to run the other way. You choose not to do that, you choose to insist that these MB principles/recommendations don't apply to your situation, and therefore you are getting the advice that you don't like.

You have jumped out of the pan and into the fire. You, the non-cheater, is not responsible for the person cheating on you. That is their action. However, you, the non-cheater, is responsible continuing to make poor choices with prospective partners.

The advice is to wait to get married until she proves herself to be trustworthy. What boundaries has she set up? How do you know that she is adhering to them? Why has SHE not written the no contact letter?

We want you to succeed in strong healthy marriage Dimmu. Marriage is not the answer when you are in the middle of crisis mode.

She has set up many boundaries since I almost left her during the serious discussion.

- She will never communicate with the OM ever again. She considered him just a friend before all of this (they were together many years ago & she is not hostile & is on friendly terms with a couple of her exes just as I am with a couple of mine). She recognizes OM as a manipulative player who was using her momentary unhappiness in a Don Jaun fashion.

- She tells me if there is any communication with a male and/or ex. She spoke to her ex husband briefly about his son's birthday & told me about it right away.

- She will not change her passwords & so her accounts are an open book. If OM contacts her she will tell me & let me decide when to delete his email. This has happened once as I already explained.

- She will not hang out with any male friends or colleagues without me being present.

- If I want to look at her phone there is no resistance.

- She keeps me apprised about her appointments & whereabouts.

- We go to bed at the same time & get up at the same time.

- We give each other UA however it is difficult to do 15-20hrs/wk due to schedules & children but we are aware of it, talk about it & are working on it.

- Not related but she tells me about purchases, even small ones.

- Talk of our marriage is a constant subject & we are making plans. October was the original plan but now we are looking at July.

Trust me, my fiance does not want a second failed marriage. It is not a part of her psyche. She wanted to postpone the wedding before OM (due to jitters/being unhappy/lack of EN's being met.) Now it is on & we are actively planning it.

She saw my pain & what it was doing to me. This woman defends me to the hilt & she genuinely regrets what happened. She did not physically cheat but rather had an inappropriate email exchange which she ended before it got out of hand & she came right to bed. I awoke & we even made love that night.

Yes it sucks that it happened though we truly are a stronger couple. And I love her & she loves me.