Thata girl!

Plan D in the works!!!
Can't do this anymore... he disgusts me!

I know I'm not supposed to be tracking him, but I did and saw that he stayed the night with the girl that we work with. I mentioned something about her a couple days ago. I am done!!! I don't ever want him again!

Very sorry, Starfish. He's hopeless, and I'm sorry he's put you through this. He'll never find true happiness, but I can tell by your character and resolve that you will. You deserve much more. Take care of yourself.

Oh Hun I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm filling you all the way from oz... I think about u everyday and pray that you find the strength to over come what this moron is doing so that you may find the joy and happiness that you truely deserve.

Oh Hun I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm filling you all the way from oz... I think about u everyday and pray that you find the strength to over come what this moron is doing so that you may find the joy and happiness that you truely deserve.

Ouch.

I suggest you do no lovebusting (calling him with an angry outburst and to tell him you are divorcing him, etc).

Silence is golden and you can D him while in B and not engage in further drama if you do so.

Stop snooping now. Stop.

It is aggravating YOU and hurting YOU and messing around with YOUr mind.

Stop.

I deleted the GPS app from my phone this morning.

I will not call him and will have him served at our work!

I have no love left in me for him....

Soo sorry sf....I hope you can stay in Plan B as he doesn't deserve any space in your head.

Let him hit rock bottom starfish. Not your problem. I hope you are able to get yourself into a rock solid Plan B starting NOW.

Get out of the drama. (((hugs)))

Have you started to look for a new job? Do you think you will ever be at peace at that job with all the triggers and the fact that he is lurking around the corner? That is not Plan B.

Well, STOP !
No buts.



Then stop tracking him and stop talking about him.

If your plan is to divorce, then for YOUR OWN SAKE, Plan B like he does not exist.
Use your attorney and use your IM to take all the emotions out of it.

While you are still hating him, you are not indifferent towards him.
Indifference, not disgust or hatred is YOUR GOAL.

And, any poster who declares that your H is "hopeless" should be considered a newbie to this forum.

And, do not date.

What I think you should require of yourself is self-control over your actions, especially impulsive actions, and management of your emotions.

You need a plan, even if you are going to divorce.
Then, you follow the plan regardless of emotions.

I am posting this to you, starfish, but I am fully aware that many people follow your thread. So, this is also for any others who may be in a similar situation.

We talk about "boundaries" a lot on all of MB forums.
Boundaries are self-protective to insure our own safety/sanity.
Boundaries are decisions about behaviors which you will not allow to be a part of your life.
We are usually talking about unhealthy behaviors of others.


Starfish, are you aware, Starfish & other dear readers, that we should have "boundaries" in place regarding our own behaviors?

Plan A and Plan B both require personal boundaries.
We require that we change in ways that are new and improved.
We require that we control ourselves. We do not love bust. We do not fight or argue.

Even if you divorce, having a 'good life' in the future will require discernment and self control and personal boundaries on your part.

Having boundaries about what we will and will not accept from our wayward spouse is NOT enough!
We must adhere to self-boundaries.
That includes not spying on a spouse when one is in Plan B.

Why is Scotty such a stellar Plan B'er?
Because she established boundaries for herself and she adheres to them.
It was not easy for her. She did the difficult things that she required of herself.

So, gentle readers, ask yourself if you are asking for self control from your wayward when you lack that characteristic yourself?

Amen, Pepper.

I'm not sure how I'll be able to work there...

Can't do what anymore? Cut him out and concentrate solely on you, as you are supposed to be in Plan B?


Well judging by this, you never began. (Now is also the time to reveal any other Plan B cheating and to seal up any other gaping holes)



Star, a divorce is a solemn thing which should not be done on the back of an angry outburst. Divorce from a calm, logical place. For financial protection, sure. When you know that he has reached Dr H's two year point or when you know for certain, that even if he calm to you fully repentent with all your conditions, that it would still be too late. That you don't care.

And you do care, you would do recovery. If you didn't care you wouldn't be angry.


You can't be disgusted by what you can't see.

You knew full well he was still an active addict, you knew that spying would reveal the details.

What do you think a wayward in Plan B does? Meditation classes and yoga? They indulge in their addiction.

How else is he going to hit rock bottom than by giving his addiction a chance to fall flat?

Go dark, for heavens sake stop trying to prevent the grief and don't make any permanent decisions for six months when you should be calmer. Fill the interval with self care.

I thought a previous poster's suggestion about volunteering with animals was ace. Not only would it take your mind off things but you could ask about career opportunities since you have a passion for animals. Start EXPLORING. Plan B is supposed to be an adventure.

I mentioned earlier that I cannot track him anymore, because I deleted the app. I also changed my phone number. I'm working on boundaries for myself, but it's taking time for me to make changes. I'm not used to just thinking about myself. I always considered my husband too and our marriage, so this is going to be very difficult, however very much needed for me to heal.

I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself hour by hour.
I will be contacting the attorney in the morning. I can't go to work this week. I was planning on going back for 1/2 days starting Tuesday, but that's just not possible right now. I believe WH had a secret second life since I've known him. I realize now that I can never trust him again, nor forgive him for what he has done to me (for a very long time). I have no love left in me for him. I pity him and feel disgusted at the thought of him.

I am going to prepare myself to move forward with my life... work on myself and create healthy boundaries for me. You mentioned no dating? Well, that is the furthest thing from my mind. I can't even imagine being with another man for A VERY LONG TIME! I want to be alone. I want to be ok with me, learn to love myself again and be the happy person that I was before all of this turmoil. I have wasted 9 years of my life... quite a learning experience. And, God does answer prayers. I went through infertility for over two and a half years, because God knew I wasn't meant to have a baby with this man!

Yes, I'm hurt and I'm angry as hell! I'm in the anger stage right now and I'm ok with it, because I need to experience all of the stages of grieving. I haven't been able to really cry and feel the loss with true sadness yet. The toughest days are yet to come, but I'm alive and have many family and friends who support and love me. I have so many of you here as well that have helped me, guided me and truly cared! Thank you!!!

I realize that I'm angry, but I need to consider financial support. Even if he did come clean to me about everything, it doesn't matter anymore. I can't forgive all that he has done. I deserve better!

SF,

I think many of us had the sense that your intention w/Plan B was to scare your WH into changing. That is NOT the purpose of Plan B! Your H is wayward and doesn't have you or your M in his best interests - you KNOW this. And that is all you really need to know right now.

When I was out of my mind furious after dday 3, I was 100% positive that I wanted to Plan D. Very wise friends (and Dr Harley infact) advised me to go into Plan B and settle down. I am so very glad that I listened. You will need emotional energy in Plan D that you probably don't have right now. I really hope that you will give yourself a chance to find the peace the Plan B affords... It will ultimately help you if you DO follow through with D.

Am I saying I don't want you to Plan D your WH? NO!

One of the things Dr Harley says is that your emotions will lead you astray. That is the whole reason these plans work so well for so many. Please follow Plan B where you will find some peace and be in a better position to make GOOD decisions. OK?