Hi everyone. I thought I should write a post telling my story and what has brought me back to MB.

My H and I have been together since I was in my late teens. We have had many ups and downs along the way. Several years ago (more then 10) my H had an A. It ended, he begged to return home, and I agreed. We had young children at the time and although I was disgusted by his actions I did still love him and thought it would be best. I was full of anger and resentment, he knew that but promised to do everything in his power to be the best H possible.

He DID work very hard, was very patient, and loving, but I was still seething with anger. I built walls and kept my distance not wanting to ever let my guard down because I never wanted to be hurt like that again. As if that wasn't enough I was mean and hateful towards him. He put up with this abuse for about 3 yrs. Then he came to me and said that he knew he had caused and was at fault for all of this, and that obviously this was all just too big and too much for me to forgive and that we should consider separating.

I didn't want that, and agreed to correct my behaviour. I did clean up my attitude towards him but inside I was still very bitter and disgusted by his A. I never considered myself to be the "type" that would stay with a man like that.

I found MB, started reading and felt I had found the answer finally! After reading for several days, I introduced H to the site. He was interested and did spend quite a bit of time reading but didn't feel he needed it for him, just a good idea to "fix" me. I just couldn't seem to get him to understand that this was for BOTH of us not just me.

In the end trying to get him on board with MB was just too frustrating and causing major lb's so I eventually gave up and looked for a program that was designed for just one person to repair a marriage. Huge mistake and failure! I finally gave up, because he actually seemed to get very VERY comfortable with me doing ALL the work, and he actually really wasn't meeting my EN's at all.

I eventually went into withdrawal, he followed, and we went along this way for several years. I stayed because of my kids, but was planning an escape once they were raised.

Then 15 months ago our teenage son was killed in a car accident. Needless to say this was the most horrible experience I could ever imagine. I basically went into full shut down at first. My H was great. We actually started to reconnect, and draw closer at first. Then as the weeks went on dealing with our own grief and process we fell back into old habits and stated to disconnect again.

Several months ago I started snooping around. I found a text conversation on H phone, very flirty, sadly it was him doing the flirting, she was uncomfortable and not receptive. His tone was light and jokey, but I feel he was serious.

I confronted him, let him know I would not tolerate ANY of this at all, and he needed to either end all contact with this person, and no more nonsense period, or I was filing divorce ASAP. He agreed. Things have been very good between us, we are actually working on our marriage now, BOTH of us this time at the same time...finally. I feel hopeful for the firs time in years.

Now here is the thing...I have been obsessively snooping, daily. I check everything. I wonder if maybe I am getting to crazy with this. I feel almost like I am addicted to spying on him. At what point does this become a problem?

I am so very sorry that you lost your boy, my friend. I know you have been through hell.

The snooping is good for your marriage because it helps you restore the trust in your marriage. As time goes on, and you see he is being faithful, you will do it less and less. But it is a good idea for now.

In the meantime, I would throw yourself into this program and do it right this time. The missing ingredient in your marriage all along has been that you are not in love. If you actually do this program, you will fall in love again and you won't have the resentment and all the other problems you had previously.

See, an affair leaves a giant gaping wound in the marriage. Unless it is replaced with something good and positive, that wound fills with resentment and hate. That is what happened to you guys.

The secret to fall in love again is to schedule 20+ hours of UA time per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. That time should be spent with the two of you alone, out on DATES. Not sitting on the couch late at night when you are exhausted, but getting dressed up and going out 4 nights a week. The program does not work without that step.

I would get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, rip out the UA worksheet in the back and make copies. Force yourself to sit down every Sunday and schedule out your time for the next week. Time that is scheduled is much harder to blow off.

If you do this for about 8 weeks, you will start to notice a huge difference in your marriage. You will look forward to your dates and won't want to miss them for anything.

Thank you so much Melody for the kind words, encouragement and help! I will look into the workbook you suggested ASAP.

I agree that I NEED to throw myself into the MB program 100% and get it right this time. I come here daily to read both the forums and articles, and listen to Dr. Harley every day. It really helps to keep me focused. After I decided to stray from here everything I learned went out the window!

We are working on the UA time. Currently we are averaging between 13 to 15 hours a week. I thought the goal was 15...so obviously this will require more planning to get to 20. My H works long hours.

I don't include time spent as a family, or time watching TV as our UA time. I have been including the time we spend after work every day talking, we spend this time alone and usually spend at least an hour, we try to go out to dinner alone once during the work week, and sometimes he will come into the kitchen during the week and help me with dinner, and occasionally we might go out for an hour or two to an event or something.

On his day off we have been going out together for recreational companionship, again alone, usually for maybe 8 hours or more depending on what it is we are doing. I also include time spent with SF.

I wonder if I should not be counting the the hour of conversation and activities around the house (aside from SF) as part of our UA time? This will be a bit tricky.

I just wanted to add a quick thought because I am not sure i I made this clear. I would LOVE to get dressed and go out several nights alone with him, I am a SAHM, so that would be fantastic for me, but worry since H works 6 days a week, and well over 40 hrs. it might be viewed as a major lb and selfish demand..??

Isnt it already a Lovebuster that your NOT doing it?

Also why are you worrying about dating your hubby? Because he works 6 days a week? If you first got together with him and he worked 6 days a week but spent NO time with you .. I bet you wouldnt have married him .. well he has to continue to date you in order to keep that love alive! Its hard to be in love without putting in the time and effort.

Have you looked at the ENQ? LBQ? and PHQ? (they are on the questionaires page in the navigation at the top of the page) I would get 2x each of those and fill them out and exchange them with your hubby ... and agree to make a pact that any new info you discover afterwards you will discuss but not get angry or disrespectful about it.

MNG

Nope, it is not a lovebuster at all! It will really make a huge difference in the effectiveness and quality of your love for each other. If your husband is in love, he will look forward to going out on romantic dates with you.

My DH and I have started doing something when we go out that I was so silly at first but has really, really made lots of lovebank deposits. Don't laugh, but when we go to restaurants and sit in a booth, we sit on the same side! It is sooo awesome. We love doing it. I am sure young ppl look at us and laugh, but we sure do love it.

POJA when you are going over your UA time of what you want to do for RC.

This questionare will help also.
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Also an excellent radio clip on Dr. Harley talking about how fall back in love.
Radio clip on how to fall back in love UA

Great point Mr. NiceGuy! I hadn't thought of it that way, but it is so true, and if we were still dating he would have plenty of energy for dates. I am excited about this and plan to discuss with him tonight.

We have done the ENQ, but have not filled out the other ones yet, I am getting the workbook 5 steps to romantic love, and it appears to have all of them in there, and I figured we could go over the workbook together.

Love the idea of sitting next to each other in the booth, Melody,
doesn't sound silly but like a very happy couple IN LOVE!

BBrainhurts, thanks for the links, and yes I agree we may indeed need to POJA our week night R.C. activities, going out to dinner is always a great choice but not enough time...H loves to go to the movies, but don't think that can be considered UA time.

I would love to hear any suggestions for things you guys enjoy doing for date nights, I could use some good ideas to present to my H for POJA.

Check these out there are some wonderful ideas. Recreational Acitivties

At first it will feel unnatural and you may not even enjoy it at first, but after awhile you will look forward to it. Feelings follow actions so as long as you go through the motions, your feelings will follow.


You are right that watching movies and TV is not UA time. When you go to schedule time, you will need to get into the habit of putting aside less important things like career, household duties, childcare, etc. Your marriage is more important that any of those things. Unfortunately, most of us put the marriage LAST after every thing else and it suffers. And it is one's marriage that affects our quality of life the most.


My DH and I like to take long drives and go out to eat alot. Some of our best UA time comes from shopping!

Our favourite UA time is working out together in the gym, we have our own gym in a separate garage facility on our property, so we can leave the kid in bed with a long-range monitor and be away from home and work out together. That gives us a good 5-10 hours a week!! Public gyms are good too but the private one can lead to SF during a random workout :P That and health and fitness blah blah blah.

2 birds with one stone I say

Thanks for the ideas guys. I am going to speak to him tonight about more UA time and more dates!

We are in a good place for this right now, he is very open to making real efforts towards our M right now, so I figure I need to strike while the iron is hot!

Our youngest has a sport thing tonight so I will discuss after we are all home and settled and can go have a private talk.

I love to go take walks at night for excercise, perhaps he may agree to start going too, I love to shop, so LOVE LOVE, that idea, haha, I will see how that goes over in POJA! He went with me to the farmers market a couple weeks ago, he didn't complain at all, but I could tell he did not enjoy that at all, so farmers market out...but maybe the mall?

We both agree about going out to dinner always, and going just the two of us (no kids) has been a huge hit with him already! I LOVE the idea of a nice long drive too...I will have to see how that goes over, but sounds nice and simple, and think that may be a winner. Glad you mentioned it Mel, cuz I was kinda thinking that too, but thought it might sound too simple, but back when we were dating (teens) we did that a lot...oh but then I guess it was called cruising ...hahaha ok so this will be the much older take on that.

I also enjoy going to Starbucks and sitting outside and just chatting...we will see if he likes that idea at all too.

Thanks so much to all of you!

Bingo!! You are on the right track. You have some excellent ideas for UA time. As far as shopping, my H HATES malls but he loves Sam's, Walmart and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Your H may be different though.

Well my sons sporting event went on much later then expected last night, so by the time dinner was done, and we were settled in it was very late and H was wore out and ready for bed. I decided not the best time for the talk.

I also was not in the best mood. I have no idea why, nothing happened, other then things running late. I just felt annoyed and impatient. I did not take my mood out on anyone, just stayed pretty quiet. My H did notice and asked me a couple times what was wrong, I was honest and just said nothing in particular just not in the best mood.

He tried to push it a little, I just told him I wasn't angry or upset with anyone I was just feeling a bit on edge. I did feel very bothered by some of his annoying habits last night, but I felt on edge BEFORE the annoying habits started to get to me.

I hope we will have a better night tonight, and can discuss the UA time. I am concerned because I did feel very disconnected from him last night. Hopefully we will be fine tonight, I may have to have a meeting with myself to get my attitude back on track.

OK we had a much better night...and have our plans for the weekend. We have more to discuss and agree on for future dates, but I think things went well and we are on the right track!

OK guys I have a question...anyone know what social cam is? How does it work and why would one use it?

This is what I found when I googled it.

Socialcam is the easiest way to share video with your friends and on social networks.

So is this something he did without talking to you? Hiding it from you?
Did you ask him?

I found it on his phone tonight while snooping. It was in his web history, with facebook stuff. I don't have a problem with his facebook (although I search that too) I had just never heard of this or ever saw on his web browser before so wondered.

At the time I was snooping I only had a few minutes, didn't have time to view the actual content, so I had no idea what it was and got a little upset...

I did go back in and view the content, its like a youtube video and was NOT a big thing at all. I got upset over nothing and now feel like an idiot!

I have been checking everything daily (secretly) but actually I did admit to him that I had went through his phone and that I want to talk to him about it in the A.M.
He wasn't mad about the spying but upset that I told him I had saw something that didn't like.

I waited for him to go to sleep and finished looking and now I feel silly, wish he didn't know now.

Thanks for helping...I actually thought it was a weird porn site!

How much UA time are you getting?

Hi brain,

Things are going pretty well with that so far, we have been able to get in our 20 hours at least, and already have our plans for the upcoming week.

We are having trouble finding things we both enjoy, He is being very willing and agreeable, so that is a plus, but I don't want him to be just go along with things just to make me happy, so this is something we will have to continue working on and coming up with new ideas.

Fortunately we have agreed to an event this weekend that we are both enthusiastic about and have also agreed to try some new restaurants that are a long drive from home. I think that may be a good creative compromise.

We have a Costco that opened close to our house, and we are both interested in getting a membership, so perhaps we can get in some shopping UA time with that soon too.

I hope to start feeling more trust for him soon, unfortunately finding that inappropriate text a while back has really thrown me for a loop.