Hi,
Not really sure where to begin, married for 31 years, we are both 52. Recently moved (2 years ago) for my husbands health(chronic illness not fatal). Our family grown daughters are thousand of miles away. No friends here and neither of us work as again, moved due to husband's health. He is medically retired. I have always worked outside the home until our move as my husband wanted me to stay home with him. He says I help distract him from his illness. He has also said that when he feels well he wants me to do things with him (recreational).
Problem is about every 3 weeks or so, he has major angry outbursts. Most of the time, I don't know what provoked him. Lately, his anger is so quick, he really must not like me. I would guess his love bucket is in the negative. I try to do things that I think would fill it to no avail. When he gets mad, which lately is very often, he is so mean and disrespectful. (No one likes you, you said this, or did that. Sometimes he refers to things last week or whenever that I don't even remember. But it is like he has a storehouse of things I do wrong. Sometimes I try not to engage when he is raging or even mad but sometimes I respond. Lately, I don't say much, just end up crying. I seem to be emotional lately, not sure why.
We did a session with Steve, each of us separate. We were then out of town and then one of our children visited for 3 weeks so we haven't talked. I plan on making another appointment soon. I just have to wait until the waters are a little calmer. There isn't anyone else as we are together most of the time. He did quit smoking a couple of months ago after being a heavy smoker since he was a teen. Although the last 2 years his anger, temper comes up more frequently. Sometimes when he really loses it he leaves and goes for a ride.
I used to always be the one to call and say come home, lets make up but lately I don't call.
We waited 8 years to have children and really did a lot together and loved each other.
And still except for the last few months did enjoy recreational activities together. We should be at the time in our lives when all is well as we have so many blessings.
I just thought I would see if anyone with all of your wisdom could offer me any suggestions. Thanks!!

Let's see,,


Chronic Illness
Moved to another state
NO new friends yet
With each other 24/7
DJ's and AO's
Recently quit smoking
Started marriage counseling

That's a TON of stress on any marriage.

Try to find a few fun things to do together to take the edge off. Agree to no relationship talk during those time as well.

Continue to counsel w/Steve and be patient with each other, afterall, marriage counseling is a process not an event.

This one lines up with the "quit smoking 2 months ago".

I know whenever I quit smoking, NO ONE wanted to be around me for about six months. From my perspective they were the problem.... Today I know I was just one mean grumpy bear without my smokes! Thankfully I'm still smoke free, and hopefully he'll make it through the mental withdraws too. Be patient with ole grumpy,,, best you can

Yes, you are correct about the fact that there are a lot of stressors in our lives.

I quit smoking 8 or so years ago so I know how hard it is. We both initially were going to quit, but realized one of us might kill the other.

I will do as you suggest though with thoughts it might help.

Thanks

Still reading, hoping for a magic bullet.

Still unhappy, dh really unhappy many ao. Our daughter recently moved in with us she is 24. She has adhd and probably other mental health issues. She had really rough year so we thought if she moved in with us, she could get fresh start. Don't know if you need all the gory details but suffice to say she didn't like our house "rules" which we thought were not bad. She moved out and went to a friends she had met in our neighborhood. My husband and I talked endlessly and he agreed she could return. We live in Fl and it really probably isn't the best place for a single girl to be (especially one who sometimes engages in risky behavior).He said she could move back but not her puppy. Of course she came back w/dog which really ticked off dh. She found the puppy a temporary home a few days later.
The problem is dh continuing ao. We had guests from out of state the other day and we spend the day out and had a nice day. Came home and my daughter's dog was still here then (she found a place today)anyway extreme ao to which I replied I'm don't want to fight w/you, etc. And I honestly didn't react to his madness except with sadness on my part. Previously, I have felt in love but at this point my love bank is depleted. Feel like I am being a doormat who lives with an ogre. We've been married 32 years and we have never had such a rough patch for so long. he used to go 3 weeks or so without ao but now is seems daily or every few days. I have told him that he is acting like a bully. And I am sad that I am allowing myself to stay and put up with the daily drama. I'm so tired.
I haven't really worked outside the home since we moved to Florida. Although I do have a little part time self employment.
We did call Steve but we never follow through. Various reasons, travel, illness etc. My husband has a chronic illness which is why we retired to fl at a younger age. Of course if you were to ask him what was wrong he would say I just want her to be nice. And of course I feel like I am nice not perfect but nice. tells me I'm nice to others not him. Anyway I am trying to read and follow plan a but it takes a lot of effort which I wouldn't mind if it helped but it is so hard as I am so tired. And if it does get better it is for a day or two then all heck breaks loose.
Open to suggestions. Thanks!!!

Why don't you try going through the MB online seminar? That way you will have a coach who works with you weekly and if your H needs to be managed, Dr Harley can get him in line. Dr Harley can be very persuasive. It sounds like you need the ongoing intervention of that program versus making occasional and intermittant appointments with Steve.

You would also have daily access to Dr Harley. It sounds like you need much more hands on guidance than you are getting.

You have spent long time with him. It is quite difficult for you to end up all this and forget the person whom you care or love a lot. I want to say only these words to you go to him and discuss some points about your future .I am sure you will definitely get a proper response from him. All the best .