I know. FIL and MIL just don't get the IM thing at all and I've explained it over a dozen times at this point.

And there's a reason he is trying to use FIL. It's because he enables him. He sure doesn't try to use SIL to talk to me! That would get him a big pile of TALK TO IM!

NLC, please ask your IM to stop sending you messages like this. She should be screening this kind of stuff out so you never hear it. When your husband asks to have a phone call with you, she can politely say that she "won't be passing along that message because NLC has requested no direct contact with you."

Real simple. And then you should never hear about his attempts at contact.

Oh, and he wants an itemized projected budget for what I will need while I'm staying here. He wants it broken down to how much person. SIL and I are working to figure out food needs/costs, but we don't weigh a slice of cheese and see how much that one slice cost! So I am not going to do that. I will tell him, "I will need $_____/month" and he will give it to me or I will seek the legal protection filing divorce will give us - I still don't want a divorce, but if he tries to cut me off financially, I have accepted that filing might be necessary. Blech.

Sent that to IM

You got it! Just have the IM send him a message saying this: NLC advises she will need $_____ per month for support.

If your IM needs any help at all, please have her email me at xxxxxx. I would be glad to help her separate the wheat from the chaff! Usually just a few emails with an IM will give them the right idea. It is scary at first, but once she gets the hang of it, it becomes the easiest job in the world!

I gave him your email the other day. I will remind him that you are available.

Thanks!

how are you feeling? Are you doing ok?

I am doing well, I think. I got a great deal on a bike. I am enjoying having help with dcs. BIL and SIL parent very similarly to the way I do. I have rest when I need it, help when I need it, they appreciate my help, and I appreciate theirs. It's going well so far.

Thanks.

I am glad to hear you have their support.

Did you listen to these radio clips?

Yes, I have.

This was a hard day. MIL and FIL are very unhappy with me. They were our best friends. MIL doesn't like it that I've been so forceful with FIL about his breaking NC. They don't understand MB, want us to "go to a marriage counselor where [we] both sit in the same room and work things out."

I begged them to join the board and learn all they can to help their son. They think message boards are crazy.

I'm seriously considering NC with MIL and FIL.

They have no idea how to save a marriage and even less concern about protecting you. I would avoid them.

Will do. Thanks.

How'd another day go, NLC? Any resolution on the in laws...is your sil/bil any help in getting them to understand? Or have you just resolved to cut them out for the time being?

I think they understand SIL even less than me.

DH had another AB session last night, this one alone. Ten minutes after the session he sent, through FIL, a very clinical apology for being mean. I am not being critical of the apology. I am reading the AB book too and the words DH used are basically a script to retrain his brain. He says I am right, he's been mean, he's committed to changing, and he's sorry.

I would like to respond that I want him to call, write, or fb each person that he has contacted and told them that I am being dramatic,that I never asked for counseling, that he's never laid a hand on me, that he didn't push me that I fell, etc. and tell them that he was mean to me for years, that I have asked for counseling, that he has hit me, that he DID push me, etc. I want him to vindicate me.

Most people who know us already believe that he has an anger problem. This wouldn't just vindicate me, it would repair his image in their eyes. They would see that he is committed to our marriage, I think.

Thoughts?

NLC, I would stop interacting with him. You are in Plan B!

OK. But if AB gives him an assignment like this one, to apologize, etc. shouldn't he do it as part of the recovery process? I didn't respond to it.But I figured it was an assignment.

Today he was emailing through his dad again. this time complaining about AB's cost. I fw'd to IM. That ticked him off because it's "a private matter." Seems like he might need AB twice a week!

He wants ME to find him a cheaper therapist. Nope. I said it's necessary for recovery and I won't argue about it and that's all I have to say about it.

NLC, I'm not sure how you're getting so much info about what your H is doing/wanting/saying/needing/asking for. Where are the leaks in your darkness, and what can you do to stop them? If you don't, _you_ aren't learning to set boundaries, and with an abusive husband, things will never change JUST with change on his part, you also need to be firm in your expectations and boundaries so that there is no doubt what you will tolerate. He has gotten away with unacceptable behavior for years, but it was made acceptable because...you accepted it. Now you've seemingly set boundaries for him, through your plan B letter, but you are not following through.

ANY COMMUNICATION FROM YOUR H, FOR ANY REASON INCLUDING APOLOGIES, ETC, SHOULD GO THROUGH YOUR IM WHO WILL FILTER IT, AND ONLY SEND ALONG PERTINENT INFORMATION THAT MEETS CRITERIA YOU HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED.

I know I've just been incredibly rude...but I think you're starting to lose support because you keep allowing information into your plan b and then wondering why he's not making any progress and having your own peace upset by what he is/isn't doing. Plan B is giving you the freedom to move on with your life, while having absolutely steadfast expectations for what your H has to do to recover marriage, IF he chooses to do so. With entering plan b, you should have (and do seem to want to) have already made your choice: I will not continue to have a marriage without X changes.

NLC, if his dad is sending emails then tell his dad to please not send his messages anymore because you won't read them. Tell his dad that all messages have to go through IM and she will screen them. If he persists, then delete his messages. STOP breaking Plan B!!

That's not rude. It's quite helpful. Perhaps you were yelling at the screen, but I read it as all caps for emphasis. I'm thankful for the wisdom.