Thanks for everyones responses!!! They are helping me get stronger and in trying to figure out if this is a marriage I even want to try and save.

AJJ, I have read your story and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I found out about 6 yrs into our marriage that he had his first ONS about 2 yrs before that (4yrs into marriage). I have been living with that "limp" ever since and NO it isn't ideal!!


Here's the thing.....

He's home for 2 weeks, leaves again for 2 weeks, then he's home roughly 6 weeks then deploys. One good thing is that he is taking leave the month of June, so before he goes he"ll be able to spend alot of time with us.

So, should I wait to talk to him about the polygraph until after I talk to the Harleys on Monday? Should I just act like nothing is wrong and plan A him over the weekend? I just feel like this is going to come out of nowhere for him since there hasnt been anything happening for a while now and if i wait to talk to him about this till after i talk to the Harleys, it will seem even more so right? Funny, I'm almost 40 and I feel like one of my kids asking all these questions

I'll definitely bow to SH's wisdom on this one. You're situation is a little more complicated with your hubby's deployment coming up, especially given the nature of his job.

Part of me wants to tell you to Plan B him while he's on deployment if he doesn't get the poly. There's all sorts of scenarios that could make that pretty bad, and I'm sure I don't have to spell them out for you. Talk to Steve. He'll know what to do.

Ok, been away from here for a few days. WH is home and we haven't had the talk yet. Went immediately into finding a 3rd vehicle. I had to reschedule my radio call on Monday and switched it to today. Did that about an hour ago, definitely gave me some things to think about.

First and foremost, I know what Dr. H and the vets on here feel about talking to WHs work but I am really struggling with that one. I want to talk to the chaplain but I am worried about it. WH is up for promotion in a few months in two different ways (military will understand, either the enlisted route or possibly a warrant officer route). if I go to the unit, that will probably hurt his chances of at least one if not both routes. That in the end hurts me financially, i.e. retirement. I am going to think long and hard on that and see what feels right.

It's also strange how I feel right now, we went looking for a used car for our son and ended up with a brand new one for me, WH got everything I wanted in the new one. Wasn't expecting that, but really happy about it!!! However, that makes me feel really bad about this talk I want to have with him and the suggestion of a polygraph. I already felt like it would come out of nowhere for him and feel more so now.

Should I still have the talk with him and suggest calling the coaching center or should I call without saying anything? I could probably cover the cost without him knowing.

Any suggestions would be helpful and I do want to say again that I am seriously thinking about contacting the chaplain.

Thanks!!!

AJJ,
I have still been following your story, I haven't posted but I think about what you are going through all the time. I did think about using this upcoming deployment as a plan b if he says no to the poly. Your strength has inspired me! I wish I had even half the amount you have!!

Oh, on a side note to the new car thing. After we bought it and feeling the happiness and excitement I was feeling.......I almost let the ILY words come out. It was a really weird feeling for me, but I stopped them before they slipped out. I'm thinking in some way that him doing that for me made a pretty big deposit in my LB$. Especially considering when he got home Friday night and of course wanted SF I was feeling very apprehensive about that to the point of almost scared about it. Really didn't even want him near me in bed. Wow, that feels like TMI.

You should be Plan A'ing your butt off until you go to Plan B.

Should have said "I Love You" to your H. It would have been a good opportunity to have made deposits.

Did you ask about the poly?

Were you the caller on the 4-25-12 show?

BrainHurts, yes that was me on the radio. Dr. H gave me alot to think about. I'm still not 100% convinced about a chaplain in his unit. There's a big difference in the military world. Main one being that if I go tell the chaplain and he goes to command and says that my WH shouldn't be deployed that causes problems for my WH (promotion wise and just daily work wise). I know I shouldn't worry about that. However, in the civilian world he could lose his job if he's not able to do the main point of the job or he could just quit if they started treating him like sh*t, get another job and move on. In the military, they will certainly treat him like a POS and there's no quitting or another job to go to and definitely no promotion. That will make our lives miserable, I've seen it happen way too many times to count through the years.

I did have a short conversation with WH yesterday about how I've been feeling and about the upcoming deployment. He leaves in 8 weeks for that. Coming up quicker than I realized. I guess because he got his date for leaving yesterday.

I told him that I obviously still don't trust him at all! He asked if I put the program on his new laptop and I told him no, he thinks it's a good idea for me to put it on there. That's great but I feel it's just a babysitting service if he knows about it. I told him that of course he won't use his computer for that stuff if he knows I'm watching, but want I want is for him not to do it when I'm not watching!!!

He said he wished there was a way for me to believe that he's been good and be able to believe him. I started to bring up the poly but didn't just yet. I'm hoping for some free time to talk to him today about it. It would have been the perfect time to tell him about it but I guess fear made me stop.

I am going to talk to him about emailing Dr. H, again the conversation was going well and I think fear took over. It was a good start, I feel like he won't feel like this is all coming out of no where for him. (I know I shouldn't worry about his feelings, old habit I think)

I mentioned a few days ago about getting him a kindle before he leaves and us downloading books for us to read together. He liked that idea, even though he's never been one to read. He knows I love it.



One question I'm still wondering about is, should I tell him about the coaching center and we call or should I call without him even knowing?

I want to post the radio links so everyone can hear and get Dr. Harley's take.
Radio clip of Confusedwife's Segment #1
Segment #2
Segment #3

I think you need to take Dr. H's advice and ask your WH to email him.

If your WH is truly changed then he should jump at the chance. I would call the coaching center either way, but if your WH is onboard even better.

The coaching center talks to you individually anyway and Steve is really good about getting husbands onboard.

Please call. I think you would love the help for your M.

Ok, things have gone downhill fast for me. I haven't handled the last day or two correctly!!

I was still wanting to talk to WH, but decided to wait till I went to me IC. I told him what had been going on. How I've been feeling and what I've been thinking. He made the same point about the poly that WH has. One, they aren't 100% and two, he has had training that could fool such a test. This is a retired military chaplain, he said he has counseled some that have taken a poly and said they passed it even though they weren't truthful. So he asked me would I believe the results and I said probably not.

He told me that I need to decide if I can live with that and if I can what I need to do next to help me is to have action on his part. He also warned me that the talk I wanted to have with WH probably wouldn't go the way I was hoping. He was definitely right about that. He knew that I was hoping that by the talk somehow WH would finally magically get it and he would just be honest with me.

Well, the talk didn't go well. I asked him about a poly and he said he'd do it. I said (and I shouldn't have) what about the fact that you think you could pass it either way? He just said that if it would help me he'd do it. Never really answered me. He then again asked me about the program for the computer, he feels that would help prove to me that he won't be doing the things from the past. I just have a huge problem with that logic and of course that's where things started going downhill.

One thing, is that I always feel like I have to drag things out of him. He doesn't tell me what he's thinking or feeling about something I say. I feel like I'm always doing the talking (and the work). I will sit there being quiet hoping he will say or ask something (we're talking 5-10 min, long time in silence world). That's when I usually get the most upset and I did yesterday too. I really tried to not get upset but then when I asked him what he thought about what I had said, he told me "he didn't know what I wanted him to say".

That's the one line that irritates me to no end!!!!!! I just stood up and got my purse and said (like I have every time he has said that) I don't want you to say what you think I want you to say, I want you to say what's in your mind and heart. He didn't say anything and I turned and said that's the problem, it's not that you say what you think I want to hear, it's that you haven't ever tried to say what's in your heart and I left to run some errands.

Long, long story, sorry about that. Woke up today and he left for work without even saying bye. So, I sat down and wrote him a letter. I thought if he read how I was feeling and thinking that maybe it would help. He read it this afternoon. At the end I asked him to read it, then read it again, think about it, then think some more. To maybe write his response to keep things straight. Didn't work either. I will have to post more on that later as this is already way too long. Sorry!!!!

Haven't even gotten around to him emailing Dr. H. That is the next thing on my list, right now trying to get back to a place where we are talking a little more.

So it seems like you need to answer Dr. Harley's question that he asked you. Can you live like this for another 4 years?

I do think that your WH is trying by telling you to put the keylogger on.

What about having him email Dr. H? Dr. H said he would work with your base chaplain. Can your chaplain email Dr. Harley?

Is the poly a deal breaker for you? I know you and the chaplain believe he can pass it, but he did say he would take it.

Please have your WH email Dr. Harley and your chaplain email Dr. Harley.

How are you doing?

I see you online.

Any updates?

Hi BH, it's been a crazy month. I have been reading here but hadn't logged in until today, I wanted to read an old thread. WH left on Monday for his deployment. It was a hard day, but the boys and I are doing good. Making the best of it so far and just keeping busy.

WH and I talked alot during the last month and just really kind of said this is it, this is us and it's what we want. I put the program back on his computer, didn't say I did but I didn't change any settings in the antivirus program so I'm sure that he's seen it listed. It's still running so if he has seen it he's keeping it there. It was easier for me to do it that way instead of saying this is what I'm doing.

Reading all the the advice you and others have been giving others. It's helped me alot. I realized one thing that has been missing for me. I have the answers that I need to the questions about the past. I needed to stop bring it up. You even advised one poster of that today "once you feel like all your questions have been answered, do not bring up the affair again". I've been bringing it up for years! I always feel better if I don't bring it up, but for some reason I always do. And actually today is when it hit me, why? So, I'm done bringing it up anymore.

We are focusing more on each other. I even told him "ILY" a few weeks ago and haven't stopped, that feels good!

Coming up with a real plan is a little more difficult with the deployment but have ideas for the ENs. Thank goodness it's actually easier for LBs to not be done since we don't get much time to talk so it's more positive stuff. UA is obviously not going to be 20+ hours or face to face but the one thing it is, is "undivided" attention.

Thanks for checking up on me and for all your links and advice you give, even though it's not directed at me I have been reading it.

Yes if you listen to those clips I posted to that poster Dr. Harley says that very thing. What was so interesting about that call was the affair happened 6 years ago but it had only been 3 months for the BW. Dr. H asked her how many hours they had talked about it and Dr. H said that was enough.

Thanks for the update.

I'm so glad you had a good time while he was home.

I'm glad you have a peace of mind with the spyware on his computer.

Wow ILY. That is so big for you.