Hello everyone. I thought I would give a little update on my son and my family since it�s been quite awhile since I have posted here. I know there were people who were following our story who might want to know how things are going. I don't post anymore because we aren't really doing the MB program and I don't really feel like I can help anyone because of that, but I do read occasionally and follow along on a couple of threads.

DS 20 (the one who went to juvenile hall after his ex-girlfriend falsely accused him of rape) is doing well. He is still technically on probation until he turns 21, but it is unsupervised, informal probation. He no longer has to meet with his probation officer once a month. He finished all of the classes he was required to take, so basically he just has to wait a year now and not get into any trouble, which has never been an issue with this kid other than this one horrible incident. He is living in his own apartment now, which he shares with his oldest brother (DS 22). He has a decent job and we�re trying to convince both boys to go back to school. DS 22 has taken some classes, but so far DS 20 just wants to work. He�s an avid biker and wants to take a bike trip across the country after he gets off probation. He�s recently taken up photography as well and is very skilled in graphic design. DD 21 is still living in Colorado, working and going to school. She loves it there and is very happy. DS 17 (almost 18) is a nightmare. He has dropped out of school and doesn�t have a job. Too much going on there to get into, but suffice it to say, he is gone literally the day he turns 18. DD 3 (OC-mine) is super cute and an absolute joy. She�s talking up a storm now and has quite the personality.

DH and I are still struggling. Financially, things are still rough. On top of losing the house last year, we also had to file for bankruptcy in February. Still living in the apartment, paycheck to paycheck. I have had no success finding a job. It�s difficult since I�ve been out of work for over 3 years and have apparently been shoved into that category of the �permanently unemployable.� Employers don�t seem to care whether you�ve been out of a job because you were fired/laid-off or if you were staying home to care for a young child. The few job offers I have gotten didn�t pay nearly enough to even cover the staggering costs of daycare where we live, so I had to turn them down. On a brighter note, I did finish final revisions on the novel I was writing and am now searching for an agent and starting work on novel #2, so maybe something will come of that.

As far as the marriage goes, things could be better. My DH never really bought into the MB program, so we�re just sort of limping along. UA time is still an issue. We have one date night every week, but that�s pretty much it. There�s no family support for UA time. Our nearest family is at least an hour away and they rarely agree to baby sit. My mom will watch DD3 occasionally, but DH�s parents simply won�t. They never watched any of the kids when they were little and don�t believe married people with kids should go out on dates. There�s no money to hire a baby sitter more than we already do and I don�t know anyone around here I could trade childcare with. I don�t really know anyone here at all. So, still lots of EN�s going unmet. SF is almost nonexistent (we�ve tried a few times in the past year, but not much success). DH went to the doctor and was told his testosterone levels were in the normal range, but on the low end. He was referred to a specialist the end of last year, but he never went.

I suppose I�m going to end up as one of those cautionary examples of what happens when you don�t follow the MB plan exactly. But at some point, it really does take two people to make this plan work and sometimes, reluctant spouses never do agree to get onboard. I have mostly come to accept this reality. I try everyday to focus on what is good in my life and not let the other things get me down.

I'm sorry to hear about the things that are not going well, and pleased to hear about the good things - mainly for some of your kids, it seems. But much more than that, I'm very happy that you decided to post again. I do hope you'll stay around!

It's so good to hear from you Writer! I'm sorry that life is still so tough.

Congrats on the novel!!

We struggled to find a doctor who would treat DH for low T. Then, we found out he had sleep apnea, got his CPAP, got that working, and now that he sleeps every night his testosterone levels are coming back up where they belong.

Good to hear from you, writer! I've got a couple of thoughts, if you don't mind:

I'm still totally pissed about the bum rap your son got regarding the false rape accusation! The Karma bus is going to be very uncomfortable for the false accuser.

Not every kid should go to college. They have the ability to excel in other ways. For a lot of kids, it's a waste of time and money to go to college. Don't feel bad if your kids don't fall into the "I've graduated high school, therefore I must go to college" mantra.

This, on the other hand, would give me gray hairs.

I can't believe that. I suspect you're over-qualified for the jobs you've sought.

I'm so sorry, writer! You deserve so much better! Any chance you can get your H on board with at least reading the articles here?

Hopeful: how do you diagnose sleep apnea? Are there any other symptoms? My DH seems to sleep okay. He does snore sometimes, but not too badly.

writer, thanks for the update! I know things will turn around for you all at some point. You keep showing up, that's the important part. I don't remember if I had asked what you would think about doing in-home childcare, I have a friend who paid off her house in three years with her preschooler, toddler, and baby at home by taking in other kids.

New: I have actually been looking for in-home daycare opportunities. I'm signed up with a service right now. It's difficult because I live in a very small apartment in the middle of a very affluent area. Most people here are looking for a full-time, live-in nanny, which obviously wouldn't work for me. Even the ones who don't want a live-in nanny generally aren't too receptive to having a sitter who brings their own child along to their home, and most of the very wealthy people in my area aren't too receptive to having their child spend their days in a little apartment either. But I'm still looking everyday and hoping to find a good match.

Biggest sign is if he stops breathing while sleeping. You usually need to do a sleep study where they monitor him.

Many times you don't see someone stop breathing if it's mild. DH has severe sleep apnea and would struggle in his sleep.

Snoring is one of the normal signs of sleep apnea and it does require at least 1 sleep study to diagnose. DH has done two and will probably have a third this summer to adjust his machine.

I think apnea is a possibility. My DH does this weird thing where occasionally he bolts upright in the bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes he even gets combative in his sleep where I will wake up and he will be pawing or pushing at me. It doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen.

I spoke to him about the possibility. He didn't really say much. I'm hoping he will decide to look into it more.

Part of my problem at this point is I am in complete withdrawal. The lack of UA time, coupled with lack of meeting EN's and lack of intimacy have taken a huge toll. It's difficult for me to find the motivation to continue trying. But I believe this program can work if it's followed. It's just so frustrating knowing there's a solution out there, but not really being able to fully embrace it because one's spouse doesn't believe in it.

I know I can work on my side of the street. I know I'm really the only person I have any control over.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

Anyone have any ideas for getting a reluctant spouse onboard other than phone coaching or the online program? I'd love to do those, but financially it just isn't a possibility for us right now.

writer 1,

I thought about you often,,wondering how you were doing. Good to see you posting again. You were missed!

How about calling the MarriageBuilders Radio show and talking directly to Dr Harley? That's free and you can't get better advice than from THE Dr himself!

Marriage Builders Radio

Thank you for the update. It's good to hear from you.


Have you ever considered getting a daycare provider license?
Just a thought.

Sleep studys are expensive even with insurance. You need to get him to at least see a sleep specialist first.

I would call/write the radio show besides the good advice they will send you a free book. If you're a caller you get to talk to Dr. H or Joyce before and during the call.

Here's another excellent resource How to create your own plan to Resolve conflict and Restore love in your Marriage

Good radio clip about can one spouse start the process to save a M.
Radio clip one spouse start to save the marriage

At the end of this, they talk about jokes at the spouse's expense. Can you pull up that segment and post it on this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2617647#Post2617647 ?

Pretty please?

Writer, sorry you are still struggling.

Why aren't you looking in creative fields for work? There are tons of opportunities for freelance writers that do not require childcare; just pjs and a computer. Would you like help finding those?

The thought of calling the radio show is pretty scary for me. I am very introverted and shy and I've never done anything like that before.

I know that I have lost my love for my H. In all honesty, I haven't been in love with my H for about 6 years or so. I realized this prior to my A, and actually tried to talk to my H about it then. After my A, when I stopped contact with the OM and decided to work on my M, I started reading a lot on this site, posting on the forum, and reading the books. My H seemed onboard with it at first (he's actually the one who told me about this site, though he didn't post here). But after I decided to stay and work on the M, he kind of lost interest. We've had a lot of crises to deal with in the past few years, and working on the M took a back seat to everything else.

My H claims to be very much in love with me, even though we don't spend nearly enough UA time and do not do a good job of meeting each other's EN's. Because he feels this way, he doesn't think these things are necessary to maintain love in a M. He says his love for me is unconditional and that's the way romantic love should be. I have explained to him that not spending enough quality time together meeting each other's important EN's (especially the the 4 intimate EN's) does affect the way I feel about him, but when I tell him this, he generally just gets depressed.

Sometimes I feel like I've been beating this horse so long that I might just need to accept that it's really dead. I am starting to lose hope. If you would have asked me a couple of years ago if the romantic love in my M could be restored, I would have said yes. Now I'm just not so sure.

Hi Pep!

I was just looking into this. I need to do more research about doing home daycare in an apartment though.

Yes, I would.

I freely admit I suffer from massive self-esteem issues that have often crippled my ability to have any sort of confidence in myself. I know I tend to be very self-defeating. I am definitely my own worst enemy and I would like to find a way to stop doing that.