WH had been involved in affair with married OW prior to our relationship (I didn't find this out until a year into our relationship. He works with OW still and is looking for a job in another state so we can move past it. Been getting trickle truth and still am. He of course swears it's over but I cannot believe him. I've placed a voice recorder in his truck, found that his underwear have "sex" stains when we have not been intimate, observed odd behavior when he gets home from work, etc. The list goes on and on. I really would like to believe all of the ridiculous excuses he has for me when i question him, but hey, I'm not that dumb.
I've been reading here for a couple of months and decided to post. This is breaking my heart, I believe that he does genuinely love me, but that he can't cut this woman out of his life if he is around her all of the time.
I have told him that I can't be in a marriage of three, I guess I've been in plan a in most regards since the moment I found out (November 2011).

How in the world do I make him stop and choose our marriage?? I'm at a loss. We have no children together, I have 3 from my previous marriage.

You're going to continue to snoop, including putting a keylogger on his computer, spyware on his cell, and a GPS recorder/reporter on his truck.

When you have the evidence, you are going to perform a nuclear exposure to everyone in your husband's world, and everyone in hers - especially including her husband.

Until you have the proof, continue being the loving Plan A wife.

I would become a better snooper and get the evidence of the affair. Once you get that, I would go right to her husband and the workplace and expose the affair. The affair should also be exposed to your families and friends.

The way you get him to stop is to a) kill the affair and b) DEMAND that he leave the job.

This will help with your snooping.
Operation Investigate

Thanks everyone, I am putting spectorsoft on his phone tonight. He's going out of town tomorrow for a job interview and won't be back until Saturday afternoon. I have that nagging feeling that he may not be going by himself so maybe this will help confirm or deny. Or maybe he'll call or text her?

I have been snooping for so long, problem is I have confronted him about some of the things I've discovered so now he's completely underground and aware. I am trying to act as though nothing is wrong, hardest job I've ever had I think? I know I've made it that much more difficult to find the truth since I tipped him of that I am watching him. He has no idea about the phone spyware though so I guess that's something.

Welcome to MB Coleman. I would check out the Operation Investigate link above. I don't think you need to find out IF he is up to something, just proof that he is up to something from the sounds of it, so you can begin your exposure.

Is he aware of the DVR in his vehicle? If so, I read a post from someone who put one in that the WS could find and a second one as well, so the WS would THINK they removed it but there was actually a 'backup.' First one to throw them off. In other words, to get the hard evidence you might want to be creative.

Maybe a vet can weigh in on this, but if the OW is married have you exposed to her BS? I don't know if it is too early to do that exposure or not considering you don't have concrete proof and it may just give them an opportunity to spin their story, vets? Just thinking the OW's BS could be an ally for you during investigation.

Thanks unwritten, I read that post about the voice recorder while I was trying to decide what to do in regards to putting one in (I did hear a lot of whispering and rustling around the one time that I did it, as well as him saying something that made no sense if no one was there with him). Problem is,I confronted him as I also found one of her hairs in our bathroom that evening (intense questioning regarding the hair led to a partial confession when I first found out). He's on to me in that regard so I'm guessing they wouldn't be together in his truck anymore. Let then defile Her car, I can't even ride in his truck anymore. I had a text message to her in my drafts which said I knew she was still involved with my H, that it is unacceptable, and that if it did not stop I would tell everyone starting with her husband. WH didn't like that very much, he deleted it! I asked why and if said she wouldn't understand because it's been over for a long time. Yeah, right. His concern for offending her is a red flag I'm not ignoring.
A little background, she approached him so the story goes, said she had her husband's permission since they'd been together 20 years and she wanted to see what it was like to be with another man. If that's true there are several idiots involved in this instead of 2. I will get irrefutable proof before approaching him I think. WH got pregnant by my H and he's mad at her H for "making" her abort. Sick twisted story, even as I write it's so upsetting. I'm not at the point where I feel numb yet, the pain of all of this is some days incapacitating.

The pregnancy happened just prior to my H and I getting serious when we were dating, I got trickle truth after flat out denial just this November/December (merry Christmas!). He swears over and over that it's completely and totally over but he has proven that I cannot trust his word. Now that I'm sharing my story I just want to know that I'm not crazy, yes I've been gaslighted pretty much from The beginning. Stupid thing is, I am committed and genuinely love this man beyond reason. I do know he loves me, he is type 2 bipolar and now on medication which has in may ways been life changing. For some reason he will not or cannot let go of his A, no matter how much he assures me that he no longer has any feeling for her. He sees her every day at work, that has been such a heartache for me, it is the reason he's looking for a job in another state. He was definitely opposed to doing this when the A was disclosed.

Can you hire a PI for the weekend to tail him?

You do realize that your husband has very little respect for marriage, right? He had no respect for her marriage and is showing the same lack of respect for yours.

Thanks unwritten, I read that post about the voice recorder while I was trying to decide what to do in regards to putting one in (I did hear a lot of whispering and rustling around the one time that I did it, as well as him saying something that made no sense if no one was there with him). Problem is, I confronted him as I also found one of her hairs in our bathroom that evening (intense questioning regarding the hair led to a partial confession when I first found out). He's on to me in that regard so I'm guessing they wouldn't be together in his truck anymore. Let then defile Her car, I can't even ride in his truck anymore. I had a text message to her in my drafts which said

I do realize that he doesn't respect marriage, trying to discern what if any part the unmedicated bipolar played in his decision making process when he chose to engage in this. He admitted that he was not thinking clearly prior to meds. Not excusing anything here, just trying to figure out if it's even worth the effort and pain to try to repair and save this?

But he is medicated now, right? And it is obvious he is having an affair with a married woman.

Coleman, it would only be worth saving if he committed to making radical changes in his life, ie: ending all contact with the OW, affair proofing your marriage and committing to a program of recovery. If he won't do that, it is NOT worth it.

I have yet to get am answer thats not filled with double speak when I talk to him about this, about committing to change and recovery. When the guy denies everything but tells me he'll do whatever I need to heal, its just confusing and exhausting. The actions do not match the words anyway. Lots to think about. And yes, if he's still not respecting marriage even with meds then there is an answer staring me in the face.

You might be able to save this if you get the goods and do a nuclear exposure. That can shock people into a willingness to change.

Thank you, I'm going to snoop my a&& off starting this weekend and get the hard evidence. I'll check into hiring a p.i. for this weekend, just a risk since I'll have to tell him where the money went

Good luck with your snooping! I think you need to get proof of this. But even if you don't, trust your instinct. Do NOT let your WH gaslight you into thinking you are crazy! It is very predictable wayward behavior to turn the tables and make you think you are crazy. I've spent a good deal of my married life thinking I might just be crazy.

Snoop your axx off. Get some proof. Nuclear exposure. Make darn sure you include the OW in your exposure, that whole bit about her husband saying it was 'ok' for her to experience someone else might be an interesting tidbit for him. I am sure he has never heard it before! Then demand that your WH remove the third party from your M. And be prepared for a dark Plan B action if he doesn't. He is doing double speak because he can and still eat cake, remove that option.

And I'm no expert here mind you, just a newbie learning from the awesome vets in these threads. I see Melody Lane is on your thread and she's AWESOME, great vet who will tell it like it is and keep you on track!

This will help with your snooping.
Operation Investigate

Good radio clips where WH works with his OW.
Radio clip WH works with OW
Radio clip #2
Radio clip #3