Like Jennifer said, STOP THE LEAKS!!

I'm listening. Going to get Boundaries from library today. Perhaps I'll join a domestic violence support group too.

But will you stop the leaks? NLC, by staying in contact with your husband, he keeps you beat down and off balance. In order to stabilize, you need to go into Plan B and cut off all contact. He is a smart boy and can read your conditions. You gave him your conditions, now stand back and allow him to meet them. I can see that there is a very dependent dynamic here where you enable your husband alot which prevents him from taking accountability. Stop doing that.

Thanks...you took it just as it was meant. I've very empathetic to your situation and wish you the best...I'm soon to enter plan B myself so seeing how difficult it is through you is helpful for me in my preparations. But you can do this and need to do it for your kids and yourself!

One thing to think about...since plan B can be long, is the situation living at your SIL/BIL something that could be long term? What if your H never comes on board with controlling his anger, would that change the plans you are making now in terms of the house/etc.? It's hard to think of the long term, but might be helpful for you to think along into the future on a few scenarios, not just best case, and then think, how can I plan now to make that the best situation if it comes to that? Then you can meld those different possibilities into the best plan for today.

And I say this as someone who's lived in a miserable situation for an entire year because I figured it would be over soon for the entire time, until I finally realized I needed to start living my life not hoping for things to happen, but planning for them to happen. Not an easy thing to look back and realize you've wasted so much time, and maybe you can spare yourself some of the same agony if he doesn't end up getting his act together and you have to plan for a different future for yourself and your children.

MIL sent some marriage book suggestion to me today. Doesn't it occur to ILs that DH should be the one showing initiative here? That if he's wanting to heal his family, he should be finding us help if he doesn't like my ideas.

Am I wrong or stubborn for not bending here and insisting on AB/MB? Am I being unreasonable and childish?

I don't think so. I think ILs have had 20 years of opportunities to suggest alternatives and they have forfeited their chance. And their hiding their heads in the sand and his dad's phrasing his observations of the episode that led to me calling 911 ("they struggled and DIL was on the ground" instead of "DS shoved DIL and she fell and she asked for help but I just stood there like a coward"), and his dad's disrespecting me by forwarding emails and telling me I won't listen to anyone has caused them to forfeit their influence in my life.

Am I being unforgiving? Or am I just recognizing that they won't protect me, that their actions are to keep them comfortable and maintain an illusion of a good family? I want to forgive. But I want them to acknowledge their role in this too.

I am going to see a counselor who has helped a good friend.

Dcs and I are very comfortable here. We don't need much space or stuff. I went into this being able to picture myself living here for the rest of my life if needed. BIL and SIL are good with having me here. We help each other. If I move, I would really consider moving next door. My dcs and their cousins are more like sibs than cousins and I think it might harm DD9 to move away from them.

I don't care about my house, don't miss it at all. DH used to rage at me and tell me how he gave me everything I have. I mustered some courage once and replied "But what if I don't want ANY of it?" That didn't go well for me...

I haven't heard from dh since Tuesday. BIL and SIL coordinate his almost nightly visits with the dcs.

I'm supposed to read Boundaries. Ordered it from the library.

MIL just emailed again to say she found a local counselor that she wants to check out and she's been on some website (not here) and can see where my steps are coming from. It's not a mystery. My steps are coming from MB. I've sent her multiple links to MB.

She's not reaching out on behalf of dh. She's trying to connect to me because she wants to help me. Do I respond? I'm thinking of telling her to try that counselor and see if it helps her! Is that wrong?

If you're really serious about going to a MC, which you'd be better off calling the MB coaching center.

Maybe send this to your MIL also.
How to find a good MC

hahahhahahahahhaaa you are too funny!

I would politely tell her thanks, but no thanks.

I am serious about MC, but when dh is ready for MB. Until then, I need a counselor just to fix my broken brain that has tolerated this for 20 years. I wasn't suggesting that I would see MIL's counselor, just thinking of saying "good luck with that" for her!

Bingo! Your MIL doesn't know how to save marriages. She only knows how to screw them up while enabling her son. You are not childish or unreasonable.

The biggest problem I see with you is that you allow these people to pull you in different directions and then you start second guessing yourself. Stop doing that! Your plan comes from Dr Bill Harley, who is a specialist in this field, and a CHRISTIAN. He knows what he is talking about. If anyone can save your marriage it would be him.

So put your MIL aside and don't you DARE worry for one second about her approval. Her approval has cost you DEARLY over the years. Now is the time to do what is right FOR YOU, YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR MARRIAGE. While you are protected.

Thanks ML. I know this is right. I have absolute peace about it. I don't know how to present this in a way that helps my cause. Or should I even care about that? It's AB/MB or the highway and I'm ok with it either way. I'm not going back to that.

According to AB there are 2 types of angry men, pit bulls and cobras. Pit bull can be helped, cobras can't. I'm not sure which one dh is. Still waiting to find out.

Your cause doesn't need any help. You are perfectly fine with it and that is all that matters! Your MIL can take a hike if she doesn't like it. She can get on the bus or get out of the way.

Hi, NLAC,

I'm so sorry Prisca and I haven't gotten the chance to post more to you the last few weeks. Work has me swamped right now!

I agree with MelodyLane's comments about your in-laws, and I would further add: don't try to educate them or anyone about Marriage Builders, etc. Just state what you need, and be a broken record: "I can't continue to live like this. My husband's anger is dangerous and emotionally devastating and he has got to get it under control before we can live together again."

Similarly, leave it up to HIM to find a good effective anger management therapist/class/group. Don't do an ounce of the work for him. When he is serious about this, he will look for it himself. And of course, in Plan B, you wouldn't ever have such discussions with him, anyway.

Regarding book suggestions or counselors, or whatever: just repeat what you need: "I need my husband to get his anger under control before we can live together again." It is not you who needs help and suggestions, it is him. Don't try to educate anybody about that, just keep that fact in mind and let it guide your response. Suggestions to you don't make any sense at all since the problem is his anger (and of course since you are not the cause of his anger). So respond to these nonsensical suggestions charitably: don't laugh in their face or express any disrespect or try to straighten them out; just factually state what the problem is in your marriage and what is needed for recovery: "My husband has got to get his anger under control or we can't live together any more."

Keep dark in Plan B; remember that Plan B is to protect YOU.

Plan B is your main way forward for healing. Keep the Plan B dark, and you will find your thinking clearing up quite a bit. You'll also have to develop some new skills to keep dark.

Your cause doesn't need any help.[/quote]

This is exactly right.

I appreciate the encouragement.

Here's the email I sent MIL:

How to find a good marriage counselor

quote:
"The yellow pages is probably one of the most common places to discover where to find marriage counselors. Your physician or minister may also be able make suggestions. But the most reliable sources of referral are people who have already seen a counselor that has successfully guided them to romantic love. Since couples are usually tight-lipped about their marital problems, that kind of referral is usually difficult to obtain."

I have done this. I have asked a couple who has recovered from devastating anger for their input and this is what they recommended. This is what works. It is what we need.
------------------------------------------------------------

So I am done discussing his. I will ignore further suggestions, not respond with why I'm doing what I'm doing, and memorize Markos's response.

DH just emailed IM and told him not to send him any more emails. Now what do I do? Does this mean he's divorcing me?

So tonight he was trying to get DD9 to relay info to me. He had her asking me if I had called a credit card company. He wanted her to tell me that he's about to make a big payment on a major debt. How do I handle it when my poor 9yo is being asked to relay that? What in the world?

Tell the child that she is not to relay any messages for her father unless it is an emergency. She can reply "mom said to send messages through IM."

The IM should respond that if he wants to get a message to you, he needs to come through him or you don't get the message.