Not married. Have been apart from my ex for years, he is in another relationship, there is no reconciliation, we are both on board with divorce, and it is in the works as soon as the house is settled. It's a technicality, it's a piece of paper. We are separated, and are not getting back together. And my current partner hasn't seen his ex in years. So I honestly don't see the difference. But whatever, looks like I came looking for advice in the wrong place, because this is what you are focusing on?

You are both married while cheating.

If he does it WITH you, he'll do it to you.

Really? You think if he hasn't seen his ex in 8 years, and is now with me, that he's cheating on her? REALLY? And just because the legal process hasn't finished with me and my ex because of money, I'm cheating? I am obviously in the wrong place here. That's ridiculous.

You don't HAVE an 'ex' - you're MARRIED! You're not divorced!

Tell us about this 'house settlement'. I deal with this as a part of my job. Tell me how years have gone by and you are still married to your husband because of something about your house.

No, it is not ridiculous. How hard is it to wait until you are divorced to date? And now you have a baby with OM.

Why did you not put as much energy into your marriage as you did finding OM and having a kid with him?

We can't get divorced until his name is off the mortgage. We can't get his name off the mortgage until we have a divorce agreement dealing with property drafted by a lawyer. This costs money. I did finally come up with the $1500 to get the agreement drafted, now it is being modified to suit both our needs, and then we go to the mortgage company and get his name off. THEN we can get divorced.

And I did use energy to try to save my marriage. We tried counselling, we tried everything we could. And eventually we just didn't love each other anymore, and mutually agreed to split up. And as far as finding "OM"--which he is not, because I'm not CHEATING...I dated a few other people, nothing worked out. I met him, we fell in love. And my previous marriage, or his, has no bearing on this whatsoever. I only even mentioned it to say that this is not the first time I've been cheated on, I've been through it before and I am dealing with much of the same crap I went through with my EX-HUSBAND.

Something to consider: How many more of YOU are out there? How many other girlfriends does he have? He obviously has no respect for marriage. That's not ridiculous at all. I'm sorry, but you appear to be dealing with a boyfriend who isn't committed to you (and why should he be - neither one of you CAN commit to each other - you already committed to someone else! ) Now you're complaining because YOU, A MARRIED WOMAN, is pissed that your MARRIED boyfriend is trolling.

I am done with this thread. Too icky for me.

You have a very strange notion of the concept of committment. Would you also agree that these same principles apply to your current relationship, and therefore, your baby daddy is not cheating on you? His relationships with these other women are just as legitimate as yours.

I'm done with this. Thanks for nothing.

Please listen what Dr. H says about affairages

The best advice I can give to you is to get out of this bad relationship and try and learn from your mistakes. Your boyfriend is NOT marriage material and you cannot force him to become marriage material.

I would treat this as I would any failed dating experiment. It is a job interview for marriage and your BF has obviously failed the interview. Get out while you are only a little bit behind rather than digging yourself deeper and deeper.

Get your hands on the book, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders and start learning from your relationship mistakes. Falling in "lurve" is not a good way to choose a partner. Learn to be more discriminating and select a marriage partner based on his ability to earn a living, character, etc, etc. Choose him based on honorable traits along with a clean background.

And whatever you do, don't shack up with men. It ruins relationships and leads to the type of situation you find yourself in. Shack up situations are tenuous and temporary, why would you bring a child into such a shaky situation?

Please use some wisdom in your choices, rather than hormone charged emotions. Your emotions will lead to bad situations.

This guy has flunked the potential husband test.

You pay all the bills?
Take care of kids?

While...

He has cybersex in the basement and makes you feel crazy for noticing and asking him to stop?

He's not good partner material. I know you feel beaten up because people pounced on the fact that you're still married but I have to point out that rushing into new relationships before things are cleaned up with an existing partner is asking for trouble.

You have small kids and probably needed some care and support but what you got is a class A freeloader who's content to let you toil while he plays with himself in the basement?

NO WAY. Study up on the books Melody Lane recommended. You are trying to make something work that's just not going to work unless this man is willing to do a total overhaul on his behavior. And threatening to leave you every time you want an honest dialogue or giving you the silent treatment because you're not towing the line is ABUSIVE.

Get out of there girl! Finish up your divorce and do some deep healing so that you can pick a partner who will stand by you and love and protect you. For reals.

You're going to have to change as well. You're going to need to learn to assert yourself in a healthy way and set boundaries. These are essential skills in a partnership and right now, he's running roughshod all over you. And you're letting him and seem to be taking way too much blame for his entitled, selfish behavior.

He's had multiple affairs. He's still married, having children with you and not giving that child any real security by making you his wife or at the very least...offering to at some point?

He's a mess. You can do better than this. Take some time off from men and just get back to you and the children.

I know you are long gone.

We are focusing on neither of you being divorced because it is a huge part of the issue.

He could have not seen or spoken with his wife for twenty years,plan on never reconciling since they had so many problems (perhaps you have an inkling about what those might have been now) but if not divorced would still be married to her.

Do you have any concept of how damaging the D was to your children? And then you are dragging them through another train wreck?

Why not try focusing on your children and forget "dating" for a while?

She is only "divorced" based on her feelings.
AKA ~~~> she is still legally married.

Ooopsie.

This does not diminish your point, SusieQ.


DITTO

Duh. I am so flakey sometimes!

I should have said:

Do you have any concept of how damaging the breakup of their family was to your children?

Married = not single. Not divorced.
Yes, it is really that simple, PSWidow!

Wow this thread is really mind boggling, you would think the clue is in the title of this site.

MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Not

Married baby daddy and Married girlfriend help shack up and crate another life to drag though numerous unresolved messes.

You want advice regarding your life and how to stand any chance of leading a moral happy life?

well here it is.

Clean up the first messes you both left before jumping into new ones.

Divorce your spouses.
learn from your failed marriages,
spend some time alone tending to any kids dragged through the wreckage
Do some personal recovery and growing

Then and only then can you be In a position to offer anyone else any type of companionship or commitment.

Your issues are the perfect example of what happened when two people dont understand and value marriage and think that commitment is a passing hobby to be picked up and dropped at will.

It's the kids that get my sympathy.

Good luck

Oooookay, I get it. I was supposed to stay in an unhappy marriage with a spouse who was emotionally neglectful and abusive, and refused to stop cheating on me. That would have been better for my kids. And the fact that divorce is in the works means nothing. The simple fact that it would be over with a signature, provided I had the thousands of dollars to finalize the house mess, means nothing, I should just work it out with him. It's that simple! I guess I should just get back together with him then. Forget the man I'm with that I actually *do* want to spend the rest of my life with, I should toss him to the curb, and that would be better for my youngest child--she doesn't need her daddy around anyways. And my boyfriend should track down his ex-wife, and get back together with her, because a drug addict who bankrupted him is a better choice than me. And he can cheat on me, because we're not actually married. That all sounds so much better.

For your information, yes, I do understand how the divorce affected my kids. They are my highest priority, and that is why I didn't date for a long time after my marriage broke up. They are doing very well, their father and I have worked very hard to make sure that they are affected as little as possible. Lord knows they are doing better now than they were when I was depressed and angry during my marriage, a marriage which I *did* try to save, and stayed in for too many years because I was afraid of how it would affect them. A happier mother has been the best thing for them. And when I found someone who promised me he would be with me forever, and help me, and be in my children's lives, I believed that, but I guess that was my mistake. And having my third child was perhaps not the best choice I could have made, but at the time, after losing a baby who I got pregnant with by accident (while ON birth control,) we decided we really did want to have a baby together. And at the time there was no reason at all to believe that our relationship would go the way it did. I resent anyone who tells me I'm doing a detriment to my children by the decisions I've made--I'm a GOOD mother, and I have made the decisions I've made with them in the forefront of my mind.

I shouldn't have even bothered coming back here. And I won't, now. Thanks to all who actually tried to give me advice and answer my questions, but this forum is obviously not the support I had hoped it would be. I'll go back to dealing with this on my own, and you jackals can continue to berate people for their past decisions if that's what makes you happy.

Did you read the top of the page before you started posting? MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

In case you haven't decided to leave, how long did you wait, after you SEPARATED from your WH did you decide to start "dating"? You said that this current beau wasn't your first since the SEPARATION. So how long was it?

Even if you remove the fact that you are BOTH legally married to other people, henceforth, you are both committing ADULTERY, this current beau isn't a suitable lifelong mate for you. You should ditch him and move on. And by move on, I mean get an actual divorce from your husband and get yourself healed before you even think about dating in the distant future.