And whatever you do, you must back up your IM! That means you take NO messages from his parents, no one. If he tries to call you directly, you can't respond. Your IM should continue to respond to these breaches by saying "NLC did not get your message, If you want to communicate something to her that is in accordance with her letter, then it must come through me."

NLC, you need to tighten this up and stop letting him get through. He does not believe you really mean it. You can't afford any more breaches.

It is up to you 100% to keep him out.

Then he can't talk to you.

This is what spouses (usually wayward spouses, but in this case an abusive spouse) usually do at the loss of control in Plan B. They try to force some small measure of control. They try to disrespect what you have said are your terms and do everything on their own terms. They typically rant, rave, and try to force their way in any way they can.

If you want that mental and emotional healing, you are going to need to develop some new Plan B skills. You can't control him, you can't make him do anything; all you can do is stick to your Plan B strongly and without compromise. He doesn't have to like it, he doesn't have to understand it. He may improve or he may not, but either way TO PROTECT YOU, and TO HEAL YOU, you have got to stick to the Plan. And the Plan is: all communications go through an intermediary and are limited to relevant factual communication about children and finances. i.e., I'll be an hour late to pick them up, and your check for the week will be deposited on Friday. He doesn't have to comply, but there are no other terms under which you are willing to be reached. He may not like that, but let that be his problem and not yours.

By definition, the very reason you are going into Plan B, he is an angry, controlling, and dangerous man. The expected reaction from him to Plan B is to be angry and to try to reassert control.


That is going to have to be his decision. If I understand correctly he wants to keep up some appearances of being Christian, so I would hope not, but he has already chosen to live a very unrighteous life regarding his family.

Hold tight in a dark, protective Plan B so you can get started on healing. Every bit of contact with him is going to set you back.

This is very important. Your IM is really sticking her/his neck out for you, and you will drive them crazy if they stick their neck out and tell your husband one set of conditions (the Plan B conditions), and you follow another set of conditions (Plan B/C with swiss cheese holes).

Yes. No more Marriage Builders links to them. No more communication about it until he comes to you, hat in hand, on his knees in repentance, begging you "What do I have to do to win you back?"


They can think you are crazy or invent whatever ridiculous explanations they want to invent. It's okay if they don't understand, it's okay if they don't think you are justified. You are going to stick to the plan anyway, even if other people do not agree. It doesn't have to pass a vote in committee.

Very good.

Markos, I don't know if dh is trying to keep up appearances as a Christian. He hasn't been to church since The Incident on March 11 when DH exposed his rage to his whole family and blamed me for it. In order to punish me, he quit going to church. He has been abandoning his faith bit by bit for years. I am concerned for his soul.

DH set emails from IM to bounce. We'll keep sending them as if he's reading them anyway. He keeps asking Hannah to ask mommy ____ and I respond that I haven't gotten an email about that so I don't know.

You got it!

Good, hopefully there's not too much to say to him at this point, anyway.

NLC, any updates? How are things going...have your in laws come around, your H made any commitment, are you doing well?

I have no idea what's going on with ILs.

I saw a domestic violence counselor today. Blech. I just hate being the "victim." But I need their help and I need to face the fact that if I don't change the way I think, I'm doomed to repeat all this and I'm dooming dd to the same fate. That counselor is sure I'm delusional. She thinks dh can't change, says' he'll "find God" and convince me to come back and it'll get worse. Says I try too hard to be understood. I need to just say "no" and shut up.

And she said something that I hope will make MIL feel better. Mil blames herself and says she was abusive and angry. DH doesn't remember it that way. I told the counselor about dh's only memory of his bio parents being together - dh was maybe 3yo standing by his mom who was sitting in a chair crying while his dad screamed at her. And about his dad's second wife and how awful she was. The DV lady says bio dad, second wife, and early exposure to porn are the likely culprits for dh's anger problem/violence. I called mil and told her that. I could almost hear her relax!

ILs were mad because I had been after them to "help" dh and mad because when I felt they were saying I had tied their hands and not allowed them to intervene, I pointed out many opportunities they've had and not taken. This made them feel like I was blaming them. I'm not. I'm asking them to encourage DH to change instead of criticizing my methods. Now I'll just shut up about it.

DV counselor was aggravated that I didn't get dh out of the house - I could've gotten a protective order when he was arraigned. I told her how happy we are here with BIL and SIL and how BIL and SIL respect each other and appreciate each other and reinforce me with the dcs and they voice their appreciation to me. I think it's so much better, especially for dd who hasn't seen me get criticized or scolded in almost a month. She is responding to me and respecting me so much more. I am so pleased with that! If we could have that kind of life with dh, oh I'd be thrilled!

I have no idea what the deal is with dh. One minute he seems apologetic and contrite and the next he's calling my mom wanting to know if I'm replacing the washer and dryer my grandmother took with her when she moved out (they were hers - actually her sister's). But I think that he was actually saying "I hate it that Grandma moved because it makes this more real. I want this to get better!" I'll choose to see it that way anyway. I am still hopeful. I know who he wants to be. I've always seen him as a great man with a great family and I still believe he can be that guy. He just needs to humble himself and ask for God's help. The DV counselor isn't a Christian. She thinks this is impossible. She's seen it 1000 times. I want to be the exception. I want my God work a miracle in dh and prove that lady wrong!

Dr Harley is a Christian and he too, has seen this ploy 1000 times. "Finding God" is a classic ploy for a wife beater to get back in her good graces. [and start beating her up again] But talk is cheap.

Instead, Harley insists that the abuser go through an anger management course and demonstrate a radical change in behavior for at least a YEAR.

NLC, don't you DARE dismiss that DV counselor's opinion because she works with this every day and she knows how abusers PLAY their victims. You must listen to her. And it is very possible that your husband may never change. There is a slim chance, but you need to prepare yourself for the eventuality that he will never change.

I wasn't aware that your grandmother lived there too?

I am listening to her. I am. I love dh and I want this to work. I want him to get better - for his sake and ours!

My grandmother lived with us for a little over a year. She went back to live in the same area as my mom. She just left this weekend. So for almost a month, she and dh were living together. I would go over and make sure she had her favorite foods and that her ringer on her phone was working and all during the day when dh was at work. She was always kind to dh, loves him very much and prays that he'll find peace. That was the hardest thing about plan B. I thought that if I did it right, I could stay in the house with Grandma, but that didn't work out... I love her. She's a good grandma.

I am hopeful today. I start a little job tomorrow. This will allow me to buy fun things for the dcs (mine and the cousins) that they wouldn't get otherwise. That makes me very happy. And I'll be working the early morning shift so I will still get to be with my kids. I love my kids! The DV counselor was fussing at me telling me I should get a better job, get a degree. I was telling her that all I want is to be with my kids and to raise them to love and serve God. She said that if I like kids, I should get a degree in Child Development. I said that I didn't say "I like kids. I said, 'I like to be with MY kids!'" Ha! I am very blessed to be able to be with them so much.

Today was a good day.

If you are in Plan B, how do you know what your husband is telling your mom about a washer and dryer?

Your husband will have to want to change. God will not force change on him.

You will know that he wants to change when he proves it by his actions -- going to an anger management course and demonstrating radically different behavior for a year. Don't trust anything from him until he gives you evidence that things are different.

NLAC - I've been following your post and just want to encourage you and cheer you on.

Thanks Z. I had another good day. I rode my bike to work. Love that! I only had training today for a couple of hours - jut company indoctrination today - why Co. is the greatest and why I'm such a big part of it being great etc. I like the Co. and the people so far.

Prisca, I know DH has to want to change. I believe he does. I know he hated being the man he was but he didn't think he could change. I hope he realizes that he's right - without God, he can't change. He has to ask Him for help. So I agree that he has to want to change, but I will add that he has to ask for God's help. AB and MB can only go so far. God can multiply his efforts and help him reach his tremendous potential so much faster. Oh, if you only knew how much dh wants to bless people. He loves making lives better - makes me so proud the way he being a blessing makes him happy. God can do so much with a man who finds such joy in giving. Still praying.

Another good day. Got some fun stuff for the dcs from a friend yesterday. I love seeing them learn new things and having fun. Had a little more training at work.

DH and I are talking (through IM) about selling the house. I'd like that for several reasons. I've always heard that May is a good time to list a house. DH is overwhelmed and says he doesn't want to talk about it until we can actually talk to each other because there are too many details to be worked out. Hmm, it seems to me that it's just sitting there eating up money in the meantime, but I figure God knows if we need to sell and when it'll all work out.

FIL isn't sending out of bounds emails anymore! Yea!

I'm still hopeful.

NLC, have you read some threads of other folks here going through Plan B, particularly wives? I would definitely encourage you to do some reading and compare notes. (You can encourage each other, too.) Most Plan B's are going to be in the Surviving an Affair section.

Markos, I trolled around over there, but I am having a hard time finding threads I relate to. If you have some you think I ought to read, would you mind linking them here? TIA

Here's good thread on Plan B and she has kids.

It's very long so have a good cupa
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