I will try to keep this short and to the point. I have a complicated situation but I guess who doesn't. My wife and I have been married for 20 years with six kids. My wife is a pastors daughter and is has always been a good christian. I on the other hand have come from a broken home and lots of difficult home issues. I tend to shutdown and go thru depression in the winter months. We don't fight well and really have difficulty understanding each other at times. My relationship with God struggles because of my past not that it's an excuse I have a hard time with authority and giving control. Two years ago my wife went thru a time that she found another guy and had an affair emotionally and all but physically. We reconcile but didn't fix the problem. Four months ago she said she was done. She stayed in the house for a month but because of me trying to fix things and turning my life around it scared her and she had panic attacks to the point of having a nervous break down. She left the house at that point and in the process of this started the relationship back with her guy friend. Fast forward two months and she has basically backed off from everyone but still visits her guy friend and says nothing is happening and its only a friendship. She has got her panic under control and is seeking God with all her heart as I am also. I don't either one of us have been closer to God. She doesn't want to work on the marriage and says she is done. She doesn't feel like she is supposed to pursue that yet but it's not out of the question. Her parent being a pastor and wife have tried to help but she runs from everyone and does not like to be controled. She has seen a councelor only to be told that maybe you should be done to my dislike. I can't find anyone to give me any advise but don't give up. She has no feelings for me and does not like to be touched and is very short with me if she feels that I am in anyway trying to control her. She does say that if God wants us together then he will have to bring us together. Of coarse I can't say or do anything but be strong. I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to do counceling. She says that she just feels lead to be done. She won't talk to any christian ladies and deals with the whole situation on her own. Can anyone give advise on what to do, I am so broken and lost. God is my all in all and he is my strength for each day.

Did she end contact with her adultery partner 2 years ago? Did she have ANY contact with him? Is he married?

I am not clear on what you did that made her unhappy? Can you describe ACTIONS instead of using vague adjectives? Did you yell at her? What did you do that was "controlling?" Please describe your actions.

Where do your children live?

Sorry tried to keep it short so I will give more details. She did cut off contact with him to a point but we were all friends at the time his wife my wife him and me. He ended up getting a divorce but we remained distant friends with him because of what happened. My wife felt guilty and had a hard time with it. He took stayed sain and turned to God and his wife went wild choosing to leave and have her own affair. So he is not married, my wife and him communicate very well and he could have saved her life when she was going thru the panic attacks and her depression was very bad. In that time I let her know how i felt about spending time with him and I even talked to him about the time they were spending. At that time she was being sneaky going over to his house lying to me because she knew how I felt. Now in that time she had no security and he was her security. She has backed off that relationship and doesn't go over as much but again she lives on her own now so not positive. She goes over for dinner but maintains its only a friendship and the three girls I have are with her. Of coarse he has two girls of his own and they are friends. That has been what has made breaking the whole thing off in the past so hard. Of coarse that situation makes my blood boil but I'm more concerned with how to win her back when she is seeking God so hard. My controlling is things like calling her my wife when talking to someone or asking her to come here to pray with her. I am not a physical person or a screamer. She is so hyper sensitive that I really have to watch what I say. I have three boys and three girls the boys are older the girls are younger. We live about 4 miles apart and the boys stay with me because her house is to small and the girls stay with her most of the time not all. Her unhappiness is alot of my fault from not meeting her emotional needs and with me shuting down she would bring up 20 years of issues when we fought and being a guy I can't fight that way and would shut down even more. Of coarse this really is a form of emotional abuse and I take the blame for alot of that. She says she is done because she can't go thru that again and doesn't want to try. I understand that. I have changed and she can see that but she has not changed her mind. The only hope I have is knowing God will take care of all things. We both agree that God is the only way to go and we both pray that his will be done and we have to rely on him for everything. Maybe this is our healing process that God is bringing us thru. She is talking of moving to another town becaue there are not jobs here unfortunately and I have been supporting her for everything. She doesn't like that but right now she has no choice. I feel used alot but I am not sure what the answere is. I know im only supposed to listen to half she say but it is so hard when she talks in absolutes. I want to fight and sometimes I give in. The funny thing is some of our best conversations happen after we fight.

WOW. There are a lot of things to say here! I am sure the vets will weigh in on your situation. Melody Land is an excellent source of help if she sticks with you! I will just comment on a few things.

Your wife is having an affair. It is probably a PA, whether PA or EA it really doesn't matter. Until the affair is over she will not be able to recommit.

You have made some mistakes. Finding out about the A and as a couple continuing a relationship with this OM was a bad, bad idea. Doing it because the girls were friends is a strange way to look at it, I would assume losing some friends (replaceable) vs having your family break apart due to an affair are not even comparable to a child. If you want to recover, your wife will need to have NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with the OM.

It almost seems like you have fostered this relationship because your 'wife and OM comunicate very well and he could have saved her life....' You need to STOP fostering this. Absolutely stop! You are not doing your wife any emotional favors by fostering her needs being met by another man!!!

Your wife does not want to speak to other Christian ladies because she is wayward. She knows full well that she is not making good choices and is hiding in the shadows. Affairs live in the shadows.

Your first step is to EXPOSE this affair. Expose it far and wide. Refer to MelodyLane's post, at the bottom she has a link on how to expose. Affair's live in the dark and once it needs to be exposed.

You need to kill this affair before you and your wife can work toward recovery. Exposure is the first step.

Sorry I am a newbie here, I really need to learn how to do links! Maybe one of the vets can post the link to 'the carrot and stick of Plan A.' You should be in Plan A, meeting her needs (carrot) while setting your boundaries (I will not accept a third person in our M) and hammering with the stick (exposure). Hope I said all that right!

Stay here. Pray to God but row for the shore. MB and the amazing vets who give advice here are your oars.

What are you doing for your depression? Read this by Dr. Harley.
What to do with a depressed Spouse

Your WW needs to end all contact with her OM. No Contact letters samples

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair? You need this book. Dr. Harley has a real couple John and Sue that you need to pay attention to.

Buy the book ASAP.

Watch this.
Infidelity: What Every Couple Needs to Know

wigeon, please post using paragraphs because your post is very hard to read.

Your marriage has been destroyed by your wife's affair. That is the problem. She stayed in touch with her adultery partner all these years. With your blessing. That has destroyed your marriage. Your wife left, not because you are a bad husband, but so she can pursue her adultery with your "friend." the reason you can't meet her top needs is because her other man is doing that.

The bigger issue is how you enabled this affair. By allowing them to stay in contact all this time, the affair has gone onto the next step.


God cannot overcome your enabling. You got in God's way by not standing up for your marriage. God cannot overcome your destructive actions of handing your wife and your children over to her affair. You abandoned your family, Sir!

Listen to this radio clip where Dr. Harley tells the BH is enabling the affair for not exposing.
Radio Clip on Dr. H telling the BH he is enabling the affair for not exposing the affair

Thank you for the slap to the face I needed that. I have failed and I know that. I am trying to fix it we will see if some of this works.

Have you read the verse in Timothy where God says that only an infidel does not take care of his family? God has given *YOU* the responsibility of protecting and taking care of your family. He doesn't tell you to sit back on your laurels and wait for HIM to do the work. As a husband and father, it is up to you to protect your family, not hand it over to evil.

I am so angry about your dereliction of duty that I am shaking. Let me calm down and I will be back.

wigeon, the best thing you can do for your marriage is expose this affair wide and far using the best practices and templates on the link in my signature. Tell everyone. Her parents, your parents, your children, your pastor, that RAT's family. Find that RAT's facebook page and inform his contacts via PM.

Sit your children down, tell them about their mothers adultery and apologize for allowing this to happen. Teach them right from wrong and explain why adultery is wrong and the despicable thing their mother has done to their family.

File for divorce in order to protect yourself legally and to get custody of your children before she moves them away. If you are giving your wife any money, I would cut that off right now.

This is a longshot, because you have allowed your wife and this scumbag to inflict enormous damage on your children and your marriage, but this is your best shot. You must first focus on protecting your children and then do your best to kill the affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing the affair in its proper light will ruin the fantasy. You need to tell everyone that this affair has gone on for years and has destroyed 2 marriages. Tell everyone this is why your wife left.

If you do those things, you might have a small chance. But you, SIR, are going to have to do your GODLY DUTY, and get off your [censored] and start fighting the evil that has attacked your children and your marriage.

Hopefully you were drunk when you wrote this insane comment. This is like saying the rapist saved the rape victim's life by raping her. That rat did not "save" your wife, he destroyed her life, your life and that of your children. Of course she was depressed and having panic attacks!! She was having an affair! Her symptoms are the EXACT symptoms of someone who is persistently violating her conscience.

I could make a lot do excuses but I'm the end I have not done a very good job and I'm seeing that now. I get very confused because my wife and I have good conversations when it's about God. Part of me wonders how she can be so close to God and so far away at the same time. I know God is working on her and teaching me things at the same time. Like I said before she has backed off on that relationship. Her words were that she knows that she was using him as her security when God needs to be her security. I have no doubt that that she still hears from him but but she has backed off. Not giving her an room I will put this to light to her and start doing what I should have been doing all along. I can't put this relationship back together but God can, but I need to do my part and not put up with her selfish acts and thinking its ok to be friends with another man when there is so much history. Of coarse she might not care because that has been the attitude in the past.

Your wife has cut herself off from God with her adultery so her conversations about God were mockery and hypocrisy. She didn't use the OM for security, she committed adultery with him and wrecked 2 marriages.

I don't know if this can be saved but at the very least you could start protecting your children. Are you ready to start standing up for your marriage and your children?

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Galatians 6:7

1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders.

It sounds to me like your wife has mocked God in a grievous way. She has used God to cover up her crimes. With your help.

Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: 6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.
1 John 2:4-6

Your wife is not close to God, she is close to the god of this world. She is in a fallen state unless and until she repents.

wigeon, Mel is 100% correct. My WW is a Eucharistic minister and catechist all the while pursuing divorce and having multiple affairs. Do not allow yourself to be deceived.