Same note.

What does your standing orders/state law say about access to the house? If it says you have exclusive use, you may be worrying for nothing. Take a look.

Having a rough day... A fellow co-worker emailed me today that she spoke with WH yesterday and he told her that we haven't communicated in over 2 & 1/2 weeks, that I locked him out of the house and blah, blah, blah. She then proceeded to tell me that he said he is really confused about what he wants and that he failed me and our marriage, didn't really know what marriage was all about and that he married me because he loved me and I had been the longest relationship that he had ever had and he felt like it was the right thing to do. He said he had loved me and he "thinks" he still loves me.

Oh, I wish I hadn't heard all of this today...

(((((Star))))))
I know how it feels to hear from the WS and be triggered. It is tough. But you are a strong person and you know how to deal with it. Tell the person who told you this that you can't hear anymore about him. The bad feelings from this will pass and you are plugging up the cracks to avoid futures triggers.

He could easily have you back if he passed the polygraph. He didn't do that, instead he whined to an acquaintance, probably hoping that it would get back to you and effect your resolve. He is being manipulative and because you still love him, it is having an effect on you. Keep up with the good work, you are doing an excellent job and making progress. This is just a bump in the road.

Okay, so there was a hole in your Plan B here. You got news of WS back to you. This hole affected your emotional state. Over time that's going to be some serious wear and tear on your emotions and on your health. What can you do different to plug this hole in the future?

What's it got to do with her?

I assume she isn't close to you as a couple or she would have been part of exposure.

Some people love the drama. This woman is talking to a married man about his personal problems and then seeking to drag the BW into the mire.

I know from experience that a woman willing to put herself in the middle of a troubled marriage on behalf of the husband is not to be trusted.

I'd keep your distance from her.

A female co-worker ought not to be discussing personal info with a married man (your spouse).

But.......anyway.........your WH knows the way home.
He has been given directions should he ever choose to take them.

Your husband confiding in other women about his feelings IS EXACTLY HOW YOU GOT TO THIS PLACE TO BEGIN WITH.

Doesn't sound like he's learned anything about boundries.
And it sounds like he is still HIGH RISK for marriage.

Don't know what makes you sad about that...

Plug up that hole. When she started talking to you about your WH, you should have stopped her. Next time, I hope you will. It's never worth it.

Starfish --

I want you to see how very dangerous your husbands behavior is.

The fact is THIS TIME he told a co-worker who shared the conversation with you. You got lucky.

The conversation COULD HAVE easily gone a different way.
He could have had that conversation with a female co-worker who COMMISERATED with him -- who acknowledged his victim status -- who was sympathic to him -- who stroked his ego for being such a good guy -- who told him that HER husband was MEAN just like starfish -- that he shouldn't have gotten married so young or just because he thought he should -------

Or maybe she confides in him that her marriage is falling apart too.

AND NOW YOU'RE ON TO AFFAIR #3. Just like that.

All you should take away from that conversation is that your WH has not changed his dangerous behavior. He still has inappropriate boundries with women. And that he is not safe for you.

The message was NOT *sigh* he loves me *swoon*

Believe me, the fact that the coworker told Starfish does not make her one of the good guys.

That was one of my key mistakes.

OW frequently would say to me: Oh softlad mentioned x, y, z about your marriage: you two ok?'

Of course I was taken aback that he'd spoken to her about personal things, but stupidly I thought HER openness with me about it made her trustworthy. When he was stubborn about talking to her, I felt reassured by her behaviour at least.

She would even offer advice to my on my marriage.

Any normal woman whose coworker is a married man would avoid getting into deep conversation about his personal life.

If he was so inappropriate as to mention it she'd say 'oh too bad' and drop the subject.

She most certainly would not interfere and contact a woman who had not confided in her unless two things were going on

1) She's concerned about what she's heard from WH and 'wants to help him' = poor boundaries.

2) She likes him and wants to know how troubled his marriage is, to know whether she can date him.

I'm actually quite nervous about this woman having Starfish's email address when she is so pally with WH.

I don't think she will do Sf's Plan B any favours and will seek to stay in contact with her for her own selfish reasons or for WHs selfish reasons, acting as his minion.

Starfish is exhausted with a sinus infection, everyone...

Get well soon Star!

Hi Starfish, Its been a while since you posted, just checking to see how you are.

Just an update... Anxiety is really bad right now! I did speak with WH this past Sunday too and he was bringing up the past... when I started to become unhappy, depressed... which was all around the time that we started trying for a baby. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he told me that he loved me. He didn't seem to know the difference between being in love and loving another person. I'm assuming part of the fog.

I signed papers with my attorney this past Thursday and returned to work on Thursday, but didn't go on Friday. My attorney contacted WH attorney to let them know that I signed papers and they agreed to service/represent WH. He won't be getting served, but will see the papers this coming week.

I had a yoga class with my sister yesterday and when I came home, I found the following letter in an envelope on my door from WH:

BS,

Where do I begin? I don't know what happened to you and I over the years. I know there was a time when you and I were very happy together and a great couple. We enjoyed each others company and enjoyed what we did together no matter what it was we were doing, but something happened. Maybe I changed, maybe you did or maybe we both did. There was a change in behavior, communication, emotion, affection and more between us. Unfortunately for us we became two people living under the same roof.

I will blame myself for not talking with you about how I was feeling for the last 2-2 1/2 years. I felt lonely and unwanted. So what do you do when you feel like that? You go out looking for neighbors, friend's to hang out with. Maybe they will make you feel better. I realize now you had your own way of escaping and that was research and blogs. You're a fact finder BS, when things are wrong you need facts. When I have things wrong or I'm unhappy I seek activities or fun. Unfortunately again this doesn't work very well. You wanted facts and I could have cared less about either.

I have battled over what happened to us for a couple of months now. Maybe I was too inexperienced with long term relationships to know what marriage and life long commitment is. As time went by and we dated longer and longer, and we went to weddings, it just seemed to me this was the next step, you get married. Maybe it was too early and we should have gotten to know more about one another, but I truly thought I knew you and wanted to be with you the rest of my life. There were signs before we got married that maybe I should have paid more attention to, especially the big fight we had 4-6 weeks before the wedding. I look back at that now as a sign that both of us should have paid more attention to. I believe the fight may have showed how different our values are if we had paid attention to what was going on.

BS regardless of what went wrong, who changed or who didn't change or if I wasn't ready for marriage or if we weren't, you did not deserve the EA with OW#1 or what happened in Colorado. This is completely separate from the other problems we had. I take full responsibility for letting them enter into our lives and our marriage. I'm truly sorry for my actions and the pain it has caused you. Again, regardless of the problems we were having, you did not deserve this pain. I'm so so sorry for putting you through this. You deserved better. I should have manned up and told you about my problems with us before it ever got to this. Shame on me.

I know that I will learn and become a better person because of us. I know you will become a better person because of us. I wish you or I or us would have realized that we needed counseling a long time ago. I believe that it would have given us a chance at saving our marriage. You have said several times now that it's not fair to make you wait. We either take a leap of faith or go separate ways. You're right, it's not right to make you wait and it's not that I'm confused, it's because I know I hurt you deeply. A down to your core hurt, a type of hurt that I can't fathom. I thought waiting would prolong anymore hurt or that I or something would change the way I feel and have felt. I really care for you, I see down care for you, and I'm so sorry for what has happened. You asked me Sunday night "If I'm still in love with you", and I couldn't answer that question. Not only do you deserve someone who can answer "yes" to that question, but you deserve someone who can embrace that answer and not even think or question it. I have decided to move on with my life and to let you move on with yours. I'm so sorry. I'll miss you.

Love,
WH

Starfish, its good to hear from you.

I can understand how you are feeling right now, signing the papers and speaking with WH.

I'm no expert, but it seems to me WH is still in the fog, particularly reading the 2nd & 3rd paragraphs. I'm sure others more experienced than I will be able to offer their opinions.

I know its sometimes hard but try and do something for yourself, as Scotty once said to me deflect.

Thank you... I'm just not sure what to think about everything or his letter. I'm heading off to church with my mom and could really use and advice and support/care/love right now.

So you're no longer in Plan B?

Well, since I did speak with him on Sunday, then I broke Plan B. I was getting ready to file for D. I haven't responded or spoke with him since I received the latter yesterday. Doesn't really seem to be anything left for me to do, but file for D. I need to move on with my life one way or the other, but I'm still heartbroken after 9 years together and he only had bad feeling the past two years, but never conveyed that to me. So 2 bad years out of 7 = give up on marriage to him I guess.

Star, I can relate to how your feeling, different things going on right now, but like you I've been unsure what to think, it's hard not to try and analyse our WH and their actions. Know that you are not alone, you have many MB friends who are here for you.

I know other more senior MBers and the vets will give you the insight you are seeking.

Maybe you and your mother could spend some time together after church, try to keep busy. Is there something you would like to do a new hobby, a holiday, even just a weekend, you could maybe plan for, something even if you are not ready to undertake right now you can start thinking about and planning. Having a goal, feeling that you are taking control back again, after facing uncertainty caused by WH letter and your recent contact.

My thoughts are with you Star. You have come along way, have grown stronger you can get through this hurdle.