What is a "EP letter"?

Eydis, what's happening?
Update?
~Optimism

Holy frijoles. So sorry Optimism for not responding much much sooner!

Oh, about the letter--just a list of things I'm doing/will do (EP's)

Read somewhere here to tell the BS what you're feeling, just not in a whiny/blubbery way (considered a love-busting trait, 'cause I guess that type of thing saps energy from the other person). I allllmost told xH how I felt in a weepy way, but stopped myself. Hard to do, 'cause it was after he told me that he still thought I should stay here for my Master's degree, that that kind of opportunity shouldn't be passed up. My God, does he not know what the blazes I'm going throguh, and what our baby will be missing out on if I do stay/ Well, needless to say, I was a little at a dumbfounded/shocked/hurt/amazed/weirded-out/confused/passionate point as to explain to this man that she needs her Mommy. I tried to keep calm, and succeeded, (after a little show of rising passion, I immediately checked myself) and calmly told him how I felt. Which of course sounded like nonsense to him. AMAZING.

I was SO shocked. I ended the Skype session today, and bawled for a half-hour. Gut-wrenching forehead-exploding. Tried to stop, move on, eat my lunch. Nope. Had this urge to stuff my face. Almost choked and ran to the toilet vomited a little after a fourth of my sandwich was stuffed down my gullet. Painful, and kinda scary, I don't plan on doing that stupid move again. Cleaned up and for some dumb reason decided to come here.

SAA is on it's way now and I won't say where I got it. Pretty glad I finally will have my hands on it.

Still plan to visit my baby in a few weeks. Don't really know how I'm going to do it. One day at a time. forrrreeeeeeverrrrrrr.....

It's been two years since he left me and the pain gets worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse, and worse and worse and worse and worse, and worse and worse and worse.

But, things will be fine, just a rough patch is all

I... I just don't know. My jaw is on the floor here.

"He left me..."

He must have left you because your "raging giver" gave him a life where he had an unfaithful wife, and he is now a single father.

His decisions?


Yes.


But wayward women are not ever good mothers. They are too self centered. They are concerned about their; "wants, needs, feelings."


So, no... not going to be upset that your husband has custody. The board almost always advises to get children away from waywards.

I present to you the story that helped me give my own (F)WW a chance;

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2423067&page=1


THAT is what remorse and empathy for a man you have betrayed looks like...

Actually - scratch that.

I'm not giving you the ammo.

He wasn't really left with a whole lot of choices.

You aren't dealing with his choices, you are dealing with your choices.

You are dealing with the consequences of your actions; divorce, and the child custody agreements that come with it.

Geographic separation that you chose, and since you want to blame your XH, YOU ASKED HIS OPINION RATHER THAN MOVING.


IF YOU WERE SERIOUS, YOU WOULD HAVE MOVED, PERIOD.


But, no... it's more fun to find ways to blame your XH, isn't it?


Explain to me why I shouldn't return to the shadows and give up again?

Are you going to fight for a chance, or no?

I agree HHH ... Mary ... for months I have been telling you the pain you feel is "Self inflicted".

This pain is caused by your choices, and only you can fix this. I apologize in advance because I am going to tell you my honest opinion.

Your actions continuously speak "SELFISH...SELFISH...SELFISH". I understand your reasons, but I am unable to make excuses for you.

You chose to make "Big Girl" decisions by getting married, having a baby, and committing adultery. The path you are heading still screams "It is all about me!"

I say this kindly...you Effed up in a Big Way, and frankly I could care less about your education. What I care about is a baby who needs her mother, yet her mother intentionally and cruelly abandoned her for her own selfish desires.

What are YOU going to do about it?

My suggestion is to move ASAP to your daughter, and begin to mother that baby. If that means you need to work some office job because you don't have your education, then sobeit...

Take control of the mistakes you have made and quit wallowing in the cesspool you created yourself. As long as you live like this you will always feel depressed because you are still making bad choices.

Your bad choices had serious consequences and if you want your XH back then prove to him you are willing to do whatever it takes to be a "BIG GIRL".

It is very unattractive to sit in self pity, and as a single parent I don't blame your XH for wanting to find that baby a mother.

I have news for you ... he is looking for a mother for that baby. Your actions have demonstrated to him you care nothing about mothering her, and you still haven't gotten serious about mothering her.

Move to that child and do what is right. You can fix the rest of your bad mistakes once this HUGE mistake is corrected.

Only you can control this and only you can make it happen. The path you lead now means some other woman is going to be raising your baby.

I thought she was planning to move back where her DD and XH were?

Not the case anymore?

Here's the thing, you've already told him by your actions (and most likely words) that you put your own education/career above being a mother. He's probably trying to support you in what you want. Until your actions change, he won't assume your beliefs have changed.

I have a wayward ex husband who put his education above his children, too. It all sounds really familiar. But you don't have to continue doing it. You can choose to put your child first, and if your ex starts to see you more as a mother, through your actions, it may meet emotional needs of his.

HHH, "he left me", meaning literally, not figuratively--he left me for California, and we split. It wasn't a self-pity comment, it was, well, literal. He left me. Not "left" as in what you were thinking of. Understand? It was not in reference to abandonment, it was a comment on geographical shift. Sorry if that was misread.

Everyone: I am not Wayward. I am not an "Ex Wayward Wife" I am not wayward. I am forgiven. I am a forgiven xW right now. And the way it has been is: I do not talk to men other than school related things--I don't even look, and if I do, I pray. I am a single woman who has no interest in other men.

BrainHurts, you are very right in wondering if that was my plan and if things have changed--the way things sound here is that I do not plan on leaving here after graduating in December as I had originally planned. That's not the case. I WILL be leaving here for CA upon graduation as originally planned, and am setting things up for moving (takes preparation) permanently to CA this December.

I definitely agree with the consensus that this is all my fault. There's no question in that. I read the thread of the FWW, and I'm reading the same book by Dr. Eggerisch (sp?) I bought it almost a year ago, and started trying to respect xH. He said he has been noticing changes. So have I.

Sorry about the emotion. I still plan to move there asap (after graduation in December) and have a date with the University's Career Services to talk about agencies available in CA for job placement. Moving right after graduation in December gives me the time to prepare for this huge move so that I don't have to be on the streets, homeless.

I'm happy for the responses, thank you. I really do want to change, and am excited about the changes that have been taking place. I know I have a lonnnng way to go!

Is there anything I can do in the meantime for xH? I plan to give him my tax refund. I've always had him first, and I need to make it:
1)God
2)Daughter
3)xH
cause it was 3,2....1 before. and that's changing.

Have you been waiting for him to welcome you back so you can be a family? Is your relationship with your child intertwined with your dream of reconciliation with your ex husband? In other words, are you willing to change your life in order to be a stronger presence in your CHILD'S life?

Do you have your head around the idea that you're a divorced, long distant, parent now? A parent who willingly gave up custody to stay where you are and continue on with your schooling, letting someone else do all the parenting for you?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

You could have gone with him to California and you could also go NOW. Now is the time to be with your child. Children grow fast and you're missing out on bonding with her and being part of her life.

Don't hinge everything on what you ex thinks. He probably hopes you DON'T move there so that he can raise his child without the added drama of you. And can you blame him?

I know you want your ex back BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILD??

Who knows... Maybe a part of you is relieved that he let you off the hook. Eight more months to keep the focus on yourself and not some little mess maker who would surely pull you away from thinking about you.

Mary, I don't mean to rain on your parade, as I see you are making efforts to better yourself. I just don't know if these efforts to better yourself are ones that will benefit your daughter.

Right now, you will move when it suits YOU. Not when it suits your daughter, your BXH, or God. But YOU.

Caracal, I know what you are saying, I do...thing is, it takes money to move, and preparation to do so. December is the earliest I can leave this place (my lease ends that month too) and to get money saved up to even move (food, gas, etc)...I mean, this is basic stuff here.

You aren't much younger than me... you ever watch Robocop?

Do you remember the "Prime Directives?"

1) Serve the Public Trust
2) Protect the Innocent
3) Uphold the Law

Then... later on in the movie, it's revealed that there was a "hidden directive" that superceded the other three?

That's what you have, and have always had

1) God
2) DD
3) XH
(hidden directive; ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME)

Why did you move to Texas? Ah.

Why did you move to IL? Alrighty.

Why, when you decided you didn't want a divorce, did you keep your hind end in IL? Mmmmhmmm.

Why... do you remain, and make excuses? Yup.

I'll admit you have at least grown a thicker skin, but you are still making excuses rather than seeking solutions.

I do not understand what your XH's opinion about WHEN or IF you return to CA has to do with ANYTHING.

He is your XH. You are a single mother who does not have custody of her child. Stop talking to us about the money it takes to get to CA. You've been out there twice since you started posting. And you are about to make a third trip. With that money I could easily have found a way to up and MOVE to where my child is.

Your words mean nothing. Your actions (or lack of) show that your baby is NOT your top priority. I would beg or borrow money to get to CA!!! Have you applied for any job there?

Here is a thought. Sell everything you own, buy a bus ticket and go to CA. When you get there, ask your X-inlaws if you can crash on their sofa for a month until you can find a place to live. Then find a job and start a life there! Tell them that you will do whatever it takes to be a part of your daughter's DAILY life.

I am a mother. Your excuses for not going to your daughter NOW are pathetic.

Tell us EXACTLY what you think it will cost to 'move'.

Break your lease? Do you not think that happens every day? They won't put you in prison. They MIGHT even let you out of it if you plead your case as a woman who needs to go be with her baby NOW.

You said you are giving your XH your tax return. Why? Is that back child support or something? Is that court ordered? Or are you once again trying to impress your XH who clearly ISN'T impressed. Stop worrying about HIM and use that money to MOVE to CA NOW. If it interrupts your education and you have to add 4 more years on to your schooling WHO CARES! You cannot get back these years with your baby. They are bonding years and you are letting them slip by you.

Stop it. Be a mother FIRST. Worry about your education later.

Thank you guys for responding.

This has helped me do a double-take at things. Maybe I'm missing the boat completely, and not realizing it, thinking I'm doing something good, or prudent!

I certainly need to get an emergency plan going, and rewrite this plan. Not sure how--but I did ask about staying there till I could find a place to live--they said "probably not a good idea" But, there's got to be another way--one where, when I go there, I won't be "stranded", and be no good to my baby. But, I definitely need to formulate something quick.

actually, one thing: I did find out that Wal-Mart will allow "squatters", (I googled "living homeless successfully") and if push comes to shove, I could live out of my car there, until I get a place of my own, after I find a job (showers/hygiene I could get at a public place maybe)

actually, one thing: I did find out that Wal-Mart will allow "squatters", (I googled "living homeless successfully") and if push comes to shove, I could live out of my car there, until I get a place of my own, after I find a job (showers/hygiene I could get at a public place maybe)

Edit to include: There might even be places for homeless, and I could probably live there--but I need to look into this, see if they are available at least closeby (within a half-hour)

Now you are thinking! Although I think you can probably get some help from agencies out there. Get a job at Wal-Mart!

Also, the fact that your in-laws won't let you temporarily stay with them while you work to reunite with your baby speaks VOLUMES and very LOUDLY to me. The longer you stay away from your baby the harder it will be to get your full rights back.

Do you not have any friends out there?

How about applying for nanny jobs there? That would at least give you a safe place to live.

Lots of people join a gym for the showers. I think you can get a membership for about $30ish a month.

Thanks guys

Gym membership: after job aquisition. (Contracts)

In-home nanny: CPR cert needed. Homeless applicant, so I'll look into other requirements the parents are asking for besides CPR. I'll see if I can get a CPR cert before moving out there.

My upcoming trip, I'll look around for jobs and apply also while I'm there.