maritalbliss: Um no. Read my post. He cheated, he lied, he was never around. I tried everything I could think of at the time to fix things. HE LEFT.

And yet you keep coming back?

We want to help you. Do you WANT actual help, or people to tell you that living with your baby-daddy who is (almost certainly) lying about his wife to you to get you to drop your knickers, plays games all day, cybers, and does not much else, is a good relationship worth saving?

Stop there. That's all we need to hear. HE IS A MARRIED MAN. AND NOT TO YOU.

I keep coming back because I can't bear being misunderstood. And I guess I have the problem of being defensive. When I'm misunderstood and insulted, I feel the need to defend myself. I guess it's silly to bother. I hope you feel good about yourselves, and actually believe that "you're here to help." That's laughable.

How is it laughable? What have we done wrong?

MNG is telling you to marry your adultery partner. Did you know only 5% of adultery survives 2 years, and if you go on to marry that adultery partner you are likely to have only a 20% chance of success ... did you know the divorce rate for blended families is 85% ... odds are not even close to being in your favor.

There is nothing to salvage here ... I think the best reality you have had today is to "not be optimistic".

He has to divorce his first wife ... until that happens your life will continue to get worse and worse and worse for years to come. I don't type that to scare you. I type that because that is the fact ... we see it all the time on these boards.

There is not one example of anything ending happily ever after when it was built on deceit, lies, and thoughtlessness.

There is no hope ... you have 0% chance of success

MNG, we CAN help. But there much work that she needs to accomplish before we can help in any way. She needs to live on her own with her children, without her married boyfriend sharing her bed. As long as that's happening, she is in an adulterous relationship, which is a terrible way to establish a relationship. They need to separate and take care of their previous relationships, which they have woefully neglected (and what does that immaturity teach their chilren??) They need to establish a solid post-divorce household for their children, separately from each other.

If all that can happen, it would be time to start helping. Right now, they're not helping themselves OR their children.

I am very insulted by this. Most of these very people have helped me through the worst time of my life. They are some of the most giving and caring people I have had the pleasure to have in my life.

I didn't laugh at this. They saved my LIFE. Do NOT insult me, by insulting them.

The fact that we are all(mostly) against ADULTERY is what you are experiencing. Remember, this board is made up mostly of Betrayed spouses. We stand for MARRIAGE. If you have a problem with that, this forum may not be the right fit for you.

I haven't seen anywhere where you have talked about a PLAN.

What are you going to do that you have t done already?

You busted him mid cyber sex chat and he bluffed his way out of that one,

You have presumably asked him to stop being unfaithful. That didn't do anything and he carried on.

You presumably asked him to contribute more financially. He hasn't done that.

And you definitely asked him to cut bag the gaming and spend more time with you and the kids and he has ignored this request.

So please explain to me what are you going to try to do to change him and turn him into a decent human being and father.

PS no one is berating you for PAST decisions, it is very much a current problem.

The thing with your partner coming on strong early in the game - then entirely taking you for granted is because he is a RENTER.
(Read Dr Hs buyers, renters and freeloaders)

Renters are only interested in sticking around while things are easy. They don't help you with problems like a buyer would.

Living together before marriage sounds pretty sensible - get to know each other first, right?

The problem is that set up can attract a renter. Domestic comfort and needs met, commitment free. You've been played.

To not get a divorce over eight years shows a lax attitude to marriage on his part. I realise you have had legal problems with your D, but your decision to jump the gun rings the dinner bell and all the renters see you as a kindred spirit who doesn't care about marriage either.

I am getting divorced and the fact its not final yet has attracted all the renters in a thirty mile radius. I will wait for a man who wouldn't date a married woman, instead.

Good luck to you and your child.

But you never divorced him. You are STILL married to him, correct? And your boyfriend is still married to his wife, correct?

This is why I stay in Plan B ... there is no educating a wayward. It is truly















I am going back into my bunker.

I think you're wrong. I don't think that's why you keep coming back. I think you understand the truth behind what we're saying, even when you are disrespecting it. That's okay, as long as you understand the truth behind what we're saying.

PS, I have hope for you. You keep coming back, even when you don't like what you're hearing. That's good. Stay and learn.

Here is the interesting thing,

the thread replies are not that people misundertand you nor want to insult you.

They want to help you.

You are so 'married' to your idea of what your romantic relationship with this man is......that you can not clearly see the logic that posters are giving to you.

They want you to see logical connections to your situation in life and to, after an 'aha' moment, choose to get out of the mess.

Your youngest child can still have a relationship with her father.

You don't have to though.

You can finalize your divorce and date many men and find a better one. One you could be happy with.

You are not married to this man and can turn away from him and choose happiness and true committed, two way love. You don't even have to divorce him. You CAN file for child support from him though. That would be a favor to him, to make sure he is required to be a better man.

You don't need the mess he is.

No woman does.

You see .. maybe i have a skewed idea on this .. partly due to my own upbringing. My own mother is married but seperated from her husband (my step dad) and she absolutley REFUSES to get divorced from him just out of spite. They seperated about 14 years ago (not too long after i started dating my wife actually) ... and had no kids together ... he has since gotten a new lady and has had 2 kids with her (my step dad that is) and is furious that my mother would not divorce my step dad so he can marry his new lady. He has even offered to pay for it and she just says no (again just to spite him cuz she is a very bitter woman).... and also doesnt want him back either. (she kicked him out). Still to this day my mother carries her married last name of my step dad.

Messed up huh?

So that is where my benefit of the doubt comes from .. is it too nice? maybe..

ANyhow .. my weekend was GREAT! HOpefully will have a pic or 2 to post in my pic thread I started.

edit for spelling

MNG,

With all due respect, if your ultimate goal is to "be nice", then I would suggest you read up on what Dr. Harley says regarding affairages. Once you do that, I think you will see that the NICEST thing you could do for this poster is to be honest with her, rather than offering false hope in a situation that is doomed to fail. Even if the original poster were to be able to follow the POJA herself, I think it's more than a little obvious that her married boyfriend would not be willing or able to follow suit.

Further, as far as "niceness" is concerned, I would think you'd be most interested in being "nice" to the many victims of adultery who read and post here. I'm not sure how "nice" it is to offer this brazen, unapologetic and unrepentant adulterer help in the presence of so many that have suffered or are currently suffering from the evil that is adultery. That's sorta like offering help to an unrepentant rapist in a room filled with rape victims, no? I don't think that would be all that "nice", do you?

I hope you will consider what I've said.

Best,

Mrs. W

People can get divorced. One does not need to remain married for 20 years because the other person won't sign papers. There are legal methods - the truth is that some people just don't want to pay for the lawyers and don't it matters (here's a hint - fall into a coma and tell us it doesn't matter, you will be unfortunately informed otherwise).

Finances is a common excuse for sitting on one's butt. Another one is that the partner simply doesn't have respect/regard for marriage anymore and as Mrs. W suggested, that attitude destroys future relationships (seeing as though our OP/boyfriend are still married to others, the idea of them getting married isn't even worth discussing, lol)

Oh I absolutely understand what your saying MrsW ... but did jesus not forgive the thief on the cross next to him? Isnt this a CHRISTIAN website? Who are we to judge this lady? Doesnt everyone deserve a chance?

Matthew 7:1-2 �Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.


So then, I would personally like to see her use the tools to fix the marriage she is currently in ... however we can not force her to do that (it has been suggested though).. and it seems that is not what she wants to do either .. so it is up to her to get er done .. I agree she doesnt have much hope .. but thats up to her to figure out. Our job is to 1. Give her the facts (and everyone did) and 2. offer help with MB tools where we can if thats what she wants to do .. she gave us the details that she is TRYING really hard to get divorcd but her husband is not cooperating and the assets are slowing the process.

If she divorces her husband and her boyfriend divorces his wife in the near future .. maybe he will pull his head out of his A$$ and get on board .. is there a chance it will fail? .. YUP! High chance. But who are we to deny them the chance to allow them to make the mistake and learn on their own.

I am not a betrayed spouse and also understand not being able to get divorced even though you want to be because the other person refuses or makes it complicated.

Lets put ourselves in her shoes for a moment. How frusterating would it be to you if for some reason your WS denys your divorce out of spite and even though its many years later you still not get divorced but you have a prospect to marry or date? .. or that your highly interested in ... how do you cope with that? Wait 5 more years? Thats tough .. and I understand your guys perspective and do respect it becasue if it was not for this site and the people here I would be in much worse shape than I am now considering my wife and I lived as renters for 15 years or more! But coming from my perspective and my experience in my life ... especially with my mothers behaviours towards marriage .. I for some reason feel different about this one situation than several of the other similar situations that have came to be on this board.

I do NOT agree with her choices ... however I dont have to agree to offer help where I can .. I understand her frusterations and desire to make it work (even with there not being much hope)... i also think she should drop this guy .. but thats gotta be hard if your preggo by him. Anyhow .. chances are this poster is not coming back .. so I will drop from this thread as I can see I am being judged by helping this poster and I myself dont feel like being judged in this community as I highly respect it...

I am a HUGE advocate of MB ... bought like 7 books (currently doing the Draw close book) .. and practice MB daily and talk about it with my wife. We both talk MB more than we do about the bible actually ..

Sorry If I have offended anyone .. it was not my intent ..

MNG

People are not judging her.
They are trying to get her to see her part in her mess.

She can't see it. Won't see it.......yet.

Once she does, she can take action to tidy up and go forward in a positive direction.

That's all.

This is troubling that you are THAT familiar with MB but think it would be appropriate to use MB tools to help someone that is still married to someone else as well as her AP still being married... Here of all places ???