Mulan I've been mulling over your sitauation and wondered if you would advise me to stay in a Plan B forever?

I'm halfway to a divorce, we have no children and I have no interest in knowing how he and OW get on in the future....

That's my feeling at the moment and Im curious as to your perpective.

I'm not Mulan, but I think I'd agree to eternal Plan B. You have no connections to him like kids, and you don't need the strain.

Mulan, the words you spoke have a very ugly reality to them, and I believe many betrayed face both 1 & 2 with great emotional collateral damage.

#2 is the likely path my WH will walk. Of course round 2 will be much better because now WH knows what not to do. Wife #1 was such a nagging, fat, lazy, wrench ... he will just choose better this time. Because WH is all that and he is owed a hot looking wife, who appreciates him, she will give him true happiness, little to no responsibility, and did I forget ... he learned what not to do in marriage by going out and committing adultery. It was his greatest lesson learned on how to escape a marriage (that was happy many many times) ... just commit adultery, abandon your entire heritage, and Presto ... Soul-mate #2 is waiting in the wings.

Now WH won't have to change one bit. No, I, WH, am God and will now be able to find eternal happiness and joy throughout my life because my true soul-mate wasn't my wife of 17 years.

Meanwhile ... his gazillion kids (who WH has officially stopped seeing (or may pop in a hour or so a month)) and I lay here with shrapnel and bomb parts piercing through our torn and shattered bodies ... bruised ... battered ... bleeding profusely ... we have slowly began to pick ourselves up ... watching as our multitude of scars slowly heal over as time continues to tick.

But Hey "WH don't worry about us" ... someones trash usually becomes someone elses treasure.

It still absolutely crushes me that my kids would go to his wedding. Sickens me to the bone. They have no idea. What lie was I told the day it happened? What was I doing then? Where did I *think* my son and daughter were that day?

It's hilarious that at that very same time, in May of 2009, I dragged my son over to PetSmart to look at the cat I wanted to adopt and make sure it was ok with him before I brought the animal home - while his father was bringing a new WIFE home. Stunning. And sickening.

What's happened here is that Worst-Case Scenario that every BS and XBS fears: She Has My Life. I worked for nearly 30 years to build a life and a family and a future with this man, only to get thrown away like garbage so this g*ddam heifer can just waltz in and settle right down in MY place - and everybody thinks it's wonderful. She's got my husband, my kids, and my life. And everybody wishes her well and totally ignores me because I am now an inconvenient piece of garbage that they all threw away and why can't I just move on, too?

They are all teaching my kids and grandkids that people are disposable and replaceable. Their mother sure was. It's probably the worst thing that can happen in a situation like this.

Of course, I realize that any psychiatrist would have a field day with the fact that after nuking his own family, XWH IMMEDIATELY went out and recreated the very same situation: Same kind of house, right up the street, with a wife who looks just like I looked at the age of 40 and knows nothing about his past, and wanted my son to move in with them. After insisting that he hated being married and wanted to be a full-fledged single guy so he could enjoy it, Four Freaking Months Later he went out and recreated EXACTLY what WE had before he left.

At that time I could barely get myself out of the house to bring home a cat, but he's recreating the same family that he nuked four months before.

And it doesn't matter what disaster they may or may not be headed for. At the end of the day, She Has My Life. It won't matter what might happen in the future. She Does Not Care. She Has My Life. I have bills, debt and soul-eating loneliness while She Has My Life.

And I have tried to find something else, but I've found nothing of interest. I don't enjoy online dating crap at all. It's like putting a horse in a sale catalog, or even worse, taking a piece of junk you found in the basement and putting it on e-Bay in hopes of getting something for it. And there are creeps and married men everywhere who may well get nasty if they think you aren't responding to them. Swell.

But that's okay. His new wife is VERY happy. She doesn't have to crawl around in the sewers of online dating sites. Debra Has My Life, and My Kids And My Former Family All Think It's Great. How very nice for HER.

Dear lord, Mulan. From across an ocean I know she doesn't have your life.

She has a fake life with a fraud husband. She either knows it already or the knowledge is in the post. (Ok, in the mail, Americans)

How can she have your life when she doesnt have your wisdom??

Again, from across an ocean I KNOW that much.

C'mon Mulan. Internet dating is not the whole world. If Internet dating holds nothing foir you, does that mean there I'd nothing in the whole wide world?

It is your xWH cruelty that shines bright in his behavior. It is the cruelest and most abusive action to be taken by this man. Instead of fixing what he broke ... he threw away his entire heritage hoping a clean slate will rid him of his disgust. Mulan ... he can run and try to pretend he is starting fresh. We know and thousands of psychologists know, and even God knows you cannot run/hide/avoid your mistakes. They will forever haunt you until the day you die or until you correct what you broke.

What exactly have your children said about this? Have you sat down and discussed their feelings on this?

Is it a case that your children enjoy the money and also exhibit the inherent selfishness of their wayward father because they don't want the money to stop flowing to them?

I agree with Indie ... she doesn't have your life. Your life has honor, truth, and dignity ... her life has lies, deceit, and probably a whole lot of manipulation. It is hard to read your words because I know myself I face your same situation.

We, BW, come to this board hoping and praying our WH's will pull it together. Give us and our family and our children a shot at true happiness, and they don't. They throw us out and move on as if all they built before them was worthless and disposable. I know how you feel. We get the pain you are in ... again your WH is a very cruel man.

The cruelty in a man who can do this to his wife and children will be shown in all aspects of his life. The greatest place it is shown is in his heart, veins, because he is soulless. The saddest part is he is killing himself by the choices he makes. He can't be happy. Cruelty and abuse do not foster and grow happiness. It is a fake sense of admiration. It is a false sense of self.

The man you loved is still being overtaken by the wayward. The alien that lives within ... and the joy you can sleep on at night is she gets that wayward. I am sure you have read this board and you know exactly what life is like with a wayward.

Waywards are addicts ... they feed themselves on brain chemicals as long as possible. When the HIGH wears off they do either two things ... seek a new HIGH (more adultery) or sink into a deep depression because they are unable to cope with the collateral damage done by their own hands. They live in their self inflicted pain.

I can promise you that your xWH has no other way to live ... he is either searching for his HIGH by seeking a new adulterous partner or he is sitting in a cesspool of self inflicted pain rotting his insides to his death. His third and only option viable is to repent, and make amends to those he has harmed.

Since he has not done this third option (because that involves you) ... please find peace in knowing he is living in utter hell. He does not lay his head down at night with any sense of peace. If he does, then you he is by far such a narcissist with absolutely no empathy for his victims ... of course she can have him.

Let her have this loser of a man ... he isn't your husband. She never had your husband. She had a wayward ... a committed liar, cheater, and low-life. His money can't buy her truth and will only destroy what truth she lived.

She never had your husband ... you and only you had that man. He was yours, will always be yours, and by God's grace may one day return to be yours.

I am sorry for your pain ... I just hope your xWH will someday pull himself out of the cruel and abusive world he lives and make right what he has done wrong.

thank you - that's how I try to look at it, though it's cold comfort most of the time.

The worst part of this is really not that he was crazy enough to marry somebody else barely 4 months after nuking his own long-term family - I am shocked, but not surprised. I actually told my son not long after Daddy walked out that he might do something like this and he should be prepared for it.

I don't think anyone believed me at the time.

No, the worst part is that all the rest of his relatives, who had been my only family for many, many years, immediately threw me under the bus even before XWH left. Once he finally realized that no amount of bribery or bullying would ever make me put up with his girlfriends, he couldn't dump me fast enough and neither could they.

Then I find out that my son was the best man at the wedding, and I can only assume that all the rest of the family was perfectly supportive, too. There are a few things on Facebook and Google+ that make that very clear.

But people still insist they can't understand why I feel like last week's garbage that got kicked to the curb. They say this while celebrating seeing somebody else sitting in my place and eating up the benefits of 30 years of work that I did trying to build a family and a future - while people that I treated as family all that time, no questions asked, simply ignore me and behave as if I'm dead.

Which I am, to them. That's kind of the idea. You cannot have a second wife unless you bury the first, one way or the other, and that is why I am so horrified by all of this - especially by the idea of my kids being at and supporting their wedding.

To anyone out there contemplating divorce: Be prepared for this. Your STBX-family, even if you think they adore you, may well throw YOU under the bus, too. You've heard the saying that "blood is thicker than sh*t" - well, it's true, and I'm living proof of that.

The XWS's family has to blame somebody for the end of the marriage, and guess what? It's not going to be THEIR family member (because that would reflect badly on the rest of them) and it's not going to be your replacement (because THEIR family member adores that person, so they're in.)

No, it's going to be YOU who will be blamed, because you are once again an outsider and therefore a wide-open target.

It isn't just the re-marriage that's killing me. It's the universal support that it's getting from everybody else. It's the almost four years of manipulation I got to make sure I stayed out of the way and didn't spoil the fun by, you know, existing - by being a reminder of the ugly reality of what XWH and his wonderful delightful new bride have REALLY cost someone else.

So they ignore me and marginalize me, or pretend I don't exist at all.

Denial is a hugely powerful thing. It's too bad I don't have a whole lot more of it. Then I could like in Fake Fantasyland, too, just like all the rest of them do, and pretend that treating people and families like disposable and replaceable objects is a good thing and will make you happy.

Well, *they're* all happy, so it must be true - right? Right.

Mulan, I am so sorry about that. Have you spoken to your children about how you feel? That's gotta be tough.

And about the outlaws. I know exactly what you mean. In my case, my SIL is a current MOW, and my MIL was a serial adulterer. There was NO support from that end when I exposed. I got, "Well, everyone deserves to be happy. You should just move on(to someone else)". When my SIL began her affair, my WH refused to talk to her, for FOUR years. Now, he goes to her house and fixes her computer, etc. And my WH NEVER called his mother, not even on her bday. I was always the one encouraging a relationship, for the sake of the kids. Now, my MIL goes over to OW and WH's house. She has never once been in mine. And of course both my SIL and MIL say that I am still family. Really? Wel, I guess technically, since I'm not even divorced. But accepting her so readily, after 20 years of me being around, is just sickening.

Adultery sucks.

Our couple friends (including close girlfriends) threw me under the bus for reasons based on arithmetic from what I can gather. OW (a friend) and WH (A friend) outnumbered me two to one.

I think its amazing that exposure helped me to flush out and get rid of false friends.

STBXHs family are very supportive of me - for now. I dont expect that to last once the divorce is final and I dont expect them to condemn any new wife.

As you say, blood is what counts, and that is where things will settle in the end. For now I am their best bet; and they would rather have me for a sister and daughter in law than some skanko they would be ashamed of. However I do think once they realise he's dead set on being wayward for life, they will make do with whatever type of woman he produces.

I think your in-laws realised rather sooner that he was always going to be a wayward (you describe him as though he is king of the waywards!) and so got on board that much sooner.

But remember, Fake Fantastyland is an awfully uncomfortable place. Plus families who smile outwardly dont always do so inwardly. Do you think she's really popular with them? That he is still a favoured son? Behind closed doors? I'm not so sure.

Have you spoken to your children about your feelings about their attending the wedding? You may feel better if you do.

Yes, I've talked to the kids and a few friends about it. It's always some variation of, "We've moved on, so why can't you?"

Right.

I also got, when I asked why they did not tell me about his remarriage: "We wanted to protect you."

No, you wanted to protect THEIR WEDDING from any discomfort due to, as I said above, the cold hard reality of the price somebody else had to pay for the newlyweds' happiness. It was easier to pretend I did not exist, so that's what everybody did and everybody *whew* was able to have a lovely time that day without having to be reminded of me (since I still had the bad taste to exist).

I wonder what I was doing that day, and where I thought my son was? In May of 2009, I was still trying to put one foot in front of the other and only working part time, and I brought home a cat who'd been on death row at the pound and had to go to the vet several times for botched surgery (Humane Society paid for it all.)

Well, at least I still have the cat. He's sleeping right behind my chair as I type this.

When I asked, "How could you sit there and let me find out on my own about their marriage? I had to find out sooner or later. How could you let me walk into a sledgehammer like that??"

"We thought that by the time you found out, you'd be in a better place and wouldn't mind so much."

dear gods . . .

As I keep saying, the worst part of this is not so much that he married somebody else. If I had known at the time, that would have just confirmed to me that he really was 16 different kinds of batsh*t crazy to instantly recreate the family he just got done blowing up. Even I could have seen that.

No, the worst part is seeing just how fast I could be replaced - not just by him, but by EVERYONE - and in seeing how perfectly happy all of them are to have me non-existent and how they will all lie to me and deceive me for YEARS it that's what it takes to keep me non-existent.

This is what I cannot cope with. I expected it from him, sure, but not from the rest of them. Oh, well. It's like being dead but not really dead, which is damned inconvenient. Why do you think zombie movies and TV shows are so hugely popular these days? There are a whole, whole lot of us Walking Dead out here.
That's exactly what this feels like.

Mulan,
You say she has your life...is that a life you want? It seems to me a life you needed away from...

Just for the record, my XH threw me overboard for someone 16 years younger than me...she wanted my life, she wanted him to marry her, and although they lived together, he didn't marry her. She died 13 months ago of liver failure from excessive drinking...she called me two days beforehand, said she'd gained 80 lbs since they'd been together.

Now my XH is dying of throat cancer...too many cigarettes, and it's too far gone for chemo...he's in for a tortuous time ahead.

Sometimes it may appear all goes well for them and they didn't have to pay for their sins, sometimes it seems we did all of the paying for the choices they made, but it's not over until it's over.

Incidentally, I understand what you mean about getting hit with all of this news out of the sky blue after being on Plan B for so long, that's how it was for me too. (Someone else called and told me). To add insult to injury, some people assumed I still loved him is why it was hard...no, not like that at all, but it does stir up the old fallout just to even hear about them.

I'll pray he accepts God before he dies, but someone else will have to do the ministering...I'm out of the picture! (BTW, I thought he was a Christian when I married him, it wasn't until six months after we married that he told me he wasn't...he was the big pretender throughout our relationship).

Mulan ... your children have learned a bad habit of "Protective Liar" and waywardness.

I ask you again ... how much money is attached your children from your WH? They sense of entitlement, protective liarness, and wayward mindset is making me think WH has them bought somehow.

Your ability to stand up for what is right and honorable has you getting run over by the evil that manifests itself in your WH and most likely your children.

There is no escaping the brunt of the devil...he will work until all good is destroyed. He works best in families, especially ones that can be destroyed by adultery.

I would do some digging ... to really figure out the level of your children's relationship with him. My thought is something evil is at its root. Children know right from wrong and for them to be okay now means there is a payoff for them, otherwise they would not have thrown you under the bus.

Knowing the payoff is key ... how much has he bought for them?

PI, I don't know. I didn't think he was giving them money directly - at least, not to the kids. I know his brothers and other relatives see him as a big walking ATM, but I didn't think my kids were doing that.

It may well be that the kids have the same problem I do: They were very close to him all those years, before he just lost his freakin' mind, and thought they could still have some kind of relationship with him as long as I didn't know.

Everybody saw what happened to me, which is the same thing that happens to anyone who refuses to enable an addict: You get thrown away and completely cut off. They got the message. All of them did. The only one who didn't sell out was me.

But it's like they say: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." There's no avoiding that choice, much as everybody here thought they could avoid it. For pete's sake, what do people think "divorce" really means??

Mulan I am so sorry people dont 'get it'.

I really am. You deserve that support. And these people, even if they are a bit foolish, deserve peace away from a wayward's drama, not the crumbs of a relationship with a crazy person.

People may get it in time. That it just isnt worth it to prop up insanity.

You can only control your own actions, not others. Let them draw their own results over time.

Exactly Mulan he is a full fledged addict and there are only two options for him.

1) Continue getting his HIGH how ever possible
2) Finally settle as a dry drunk

If your children are enabling him, then you know what will come of this? They will live a life that is miserable. They will live a life that eludes them happiness.

Your xWH hasn't healed his addiction. He can't until he makes amends to you. The money is the only thing holding everything together, new wife and all ...

This is Mulan's daughter chiming in.

I care about Mulan a lot. She is my mother and I have a lot of compassion for her situation. I hate that I did keep a big secret from her. I hated it. It may or may not have been the right decision. I love her, she is my mother. I will always try to help and love her.

However, I don't have control over her happiness and anger. I also know that I cannot help her move beyond her anger over this situation -- which has been going on for approx 10 years.

Yes, I have a relationship with her XH. So does my brother. Isn't that what she always wanted? Unfortuantely, she doesn't have control over who I or my brother have a relationship with. Just because we have a relationship with him, doesn't mean we have any less compassion or support for her. It is not her place to decide when and who I or my brother have a relationship with. It is not appropriate. And our relationship has nothing to do with money or "evil". I actually resent that.


I love Mulan with all of my heart. But she has so much anger that has impacted her daily life and relationships with family that love and care for her. I cannot accept the long emails that diminish my and my brother's character. I can't have her move her anger from her XH to us. It isn't appropriate and her accusations are very false.

XH isn't perfect. I honestly think he just became someone she didn't like. And that is fine. If she think he destroyed our family, I understand. I just want her to find a way to remove some of the anger about someone she can no longer control. She can control herself, but not him. She has two children and two grandchildren that love her. But she is choosing to live with this anger instead of living with the happniness around her she does have. After 10 years of anger, she is making a clear choice.

I just want her to find a way to be happy. And I'm really not sure that is ever going to happen. It is sad.

Hi Cindy, glad you posted!

You're right about some things, like that you and your brother have no control over your mom's happiness and anger, and that she doesn't have any control over who you have a relationship with.

You're also right that your mom has a lot of anger that still impacts her daily life. That is something she needs to deal with, and I believe she'll get there in time. I've known your mom for many years now, and she's an awesome and strong woman. The greater the trauma the longer the healing time, but I KNOW she'll get there.

As to your dad, he didn't just become someone she didn't like. Every single one of us who have lived with an adulterer know that they literally become a monster. As long as they cling to that mindset, they will remain selfish and uncaring of how they hurt the people they once loved. Once they choose to change, they again become good people...honorable and honest.

Being a daughter and not a wife, this affected you in a different way than it did your mom. You aren't going to be able to fully understand what happened to her unless you yourself are betrayed years into a marriage with children. And believe me, I hope that NEVER EVER happens. I would much rather have you disagree with me the rest of your life than to find out the hard way that I was right about the dynamics of adultery.

For your mom, and most of us, too, adultery was the most painful thing we ever went through in our whole lives. Most of us, from the severity of the trauma, went through PTSD and all kinds of awful experiences as a result, even those of us who happily recovered our marriages.

You and your brother have been affected far more than you know by remaining close to your father while he continues to be an adulterer. It's your choice, and you were free to make it, but it will have insidious affects just by being around someone who approves and lives a kind of lifestyle that is frankly evil. It will impact anyone who keeps your dad in their close circle of friends or family. That's a clear choice, too.

Since your perspective is different than your mom's, I hope you'll stay around long enough to read some of the stories on here of others who have suffered through their spouse's betrayals. It may give you more insight into your mom, and what she is still struggling to fully recover from.

Thanks for taking the time to post!

Cyndy, Im finding your reasoning hard to follow.

Im not criticising your reasoning - Im simply saying I dont see what your reasoning is.

Some of your phrasing I find a bit odd, so perhaps you could elaborate to help me understand better:





Of course not Cyndy. You have free will there. But you must accept that not everyone will admire your choices there regrading the comapny you keep. That is Mulans freedom of choice to like or dislike it.

When you make free choice, you must accept the consequences of those choices.



He committed adultery. One of the most abusive acts imaginable. He CHOSE to be someone that few people would like. I dont see your point here.

There is a lot you don't know about what is happened with our family. I have a very different perspective on the situation. But I'm not going to go into that here.

I only wanted to come in here to say that I support Mulan. I love her. I'm not evil, I'm not an enabler and I'm not out for money. That hurts me deeply. I'm a good person and if she really thinks these things about us, she doesn't know me well at all.

She is so quick to judge everyone on their actions. But she won't look in the mirror to see how this whole situation and her actions have impacted those close to her. It really has.


I just want her to find a way to move past the anger over someone she can't control. The anger is so vile and deep, and irrational. It is beyond scary, if you ask me. It isn't normal. I just wish she would seek help - have someone help her sort through this anger.

Everything she is going through is VERY normal.

It doesn't actually matter what deep dark secrets you aren't telling us about the family. There is nothing special about your dad's adultery. The details change, but the stories are the same every day of the week. Nothing you could say would change the basic facts that:

Your dad cheated.
His cheating killed the marriage.
His cheating destroyed your mom.
Your mom has had to try and put herself back together from scratch.
Healing takes a long, long time. Years.
Your mom is progressing along the healing path.
Her speed of progress is not as important as that she is still making progress.
Your dad is still an adulterer.

It really is that simple, and no amount of extraneous information will change those core statements.