I agree the letter is good.

Having thought about it, I still think you should give her a contact number or email. Some sort of link. You are dealing her a devestating blow by delivering the truth. It is the right thing to do, we all know that. However, I know my reaction after D Day was total shock. I kept trying to contact the person who had admitted there was an affair, and they ran the other way, not giving me any other information or even confirming what they had told me. I even started to doubt what they had told me, as when the words were said I was in immediate shock and denial. I saw a friend go through D Day and do exactly the same think.

I know in this sitch there is nothing more you can add, but actually, just repeating the information you have, standing firm with it, being there, could make all the difference.

I agree. She will feel so much better if she knows it isn't some kind of "cruel joke".

In Scotty's stitch she was told anonymously, about a year ahead of when she confirmed it and she didn't believe them.

Great example BH. Letty, don't worry about whether the BW believes you. You ARE doing the right thing. Even if she doesn't believe you, you are alerting her.

And by giving her a contact number / email, you are showing accountability. Doing it annonymously would make it harder to believe. BH is right about the "cruel joke" thing. By giving your name and contact info, you are making it harder to deny / ignore. You are prepared to stand by what you are saying.

ok, scottie's example was a good one. my goodness, a year. that's a long time being tortured. i will add email address so at least she has a shoulder to cry on, and perhaps then i can lead her here.

So glad to hear it. Let us know whenyou send it.

Thank you again, from all of the unsuspecting BS out there.

oh dear, i've run into a stumbling block. i cannot find out where they live. (her) WHs business is easy enough, and i know his name. the phone books here list people by initials, and there are a number of people with the very common last name (most common in english, geez) and the same first initial in our town and surrounding suburbs. i also made the mistake of assuming that because i am all over the internet, everyone else is as well. nothing on facebook or via google (except business). i think i am going to have to a) figure out what he looks like and b) follow him home from work one day. this is not turning out as straightforward as i had hoped. i may have to ring friend who told me and see if i can worm any further into out of her. if i could just get the BWs name, it would help immensely.

in the meantime, i'm off for an afternoon of bowling, hot pools, and dinner out. tomorrow is our local car club's "show and shine" swapmeet day, and will be up early to help H out at his stall. taking two cars, which are now polished up to a brand-new shine. please, please let someone buy one! hmm, just had this thought - maybe other lady's WH will show up. i'll ask my husband to look out for him and point him out to me (hope he remembers what he looks like, but he has a much better memory than me). very popular event here, so here's hoping.

Actually, it was 2 years before. I believe it was at the beginning of an EA at that time. I fell for the gaslighting by BOTH OW and WH, and even wound up friending OW on FB. Yea, that was a MARVELOUS time. It did help me open my eyes to the fact that OW was a threat, but I am afraid that I actually LB'd quite a bit because of it. It wasn't until I found this site that I took real action to save my marriage, and my sanity.

I look back at those 2 years and think about how much different everything could have played out had I known about MB.

Sorry Scotty I misspoke it was 2 years. Thanks for the correction.

No probs. I was surprised anyone even knew that about my sitch. I removed it from my siggy because I needed to move away from betrayal, etc. It is a lesson to learn for others when they are exposing to someone else. And I don't mind being the lesson if it can help even one BS.

I read all the time and before I registered I was reading and I remember when you came onboard. I wasn't going to go back and try and find it in your epic thread.

Thank you for being a lesson for us.

so strange...everyone has been posting terrible dreams this weekend, and i had one too! on friday night, i dreamed that i came downstairs and heard H talking on the phone with a woman he was clearly having an A w/due to the conversation (which i don't remember now). this never happened IRL, and in the dream i could see the woman (brain/dream produced woman, not anyone IRL). i immediately fell into that moment of shock, collapsing and sobbing hysterically, feeling my heart ripped out. i apparently then woke up (sleepwalked?), took my pillows, and slept in our DDs room, as that's where i woke up in the morning! when i woke, i remembered the dream for a moment, and then it broke apart and evaporated into the ether. weird.

the weekend was good. had a good time on saturday (though an hour in the hot pools is too long), afterwards drove to the beach to look at the moon (it was the closest to the earth it's going to be all year, and a fm at that), and had a long conversation, and H *really* talked; very unusual for him, as kiwi blokes tend to be terse at best. today wasn't bad, despite the early morning - got some marking done. the swapmeet was very slow, and people started leaving very early (before the 12.30 car drop), which was unusual. the couple next to us had these sculptures, and i remembered them selling out by midday last year; this year they sold ONE. we came home early, then went out for ice cream, SF, and dinner. all in all, i can't complain. i got to drive the new camero, and it hauls bum!

looks like the weather's going to pack up and allow a winter gale to come through this week. ugh. i do not like winter at all and tend to get quite depressed, so glad i have the ADs this year.

ps: did not see "the guy" all day, so no closer :O(

Maybe it's because of the extra large moon we had

lmao - may be!

If that's the case, I hope we don't have one like that again!!!


It's funny...a lot of people get depressed in the winter. You know what? I get depressed in the summer! Weird, huh? So, at least you're normal, Letty. LOL. I HATE the heat. It zaps my energy and makes me feel unmotivated and tired all the time.

Sounds like you had a nice weekend. Sure wish you could get that contact info!!! Have you tried through Peoplefinder.com or places like that?

most sites like intelius and the like are heavily american-based. we don't have the same open access to info here, which is kind of strange, really, considering the differences in culture. here you have to give up a DNA swab on police request, as the right of the many overrides the right of the individual. the USA is the opposite, yet you can look up anything you like online! go figure (an americanism kiwis hate!).

so today i'm off to interview the first MC. i am feeling very angry and trying not to let it stand in the way of progress. the MC we saw after the a was a total loser. i was shut down from the get go - told i could not air any of my hurt, anger, betrayal. that i had to "start forward from today with no blame." what i got for my efforts was 6 more months of lies, deceit, and trickle truth, as the a continued long distance for those 6 months. i know i am projecting my old feelings onto this new one, and i need to get my anger over with so i can give this person a chance. but man, am i angry this morning! i don't want to go in already hostile. i am much better armed with a plan this time. maybe, just maybe, this person will actually be on board with MB. here's hoping.

Just remember if they aren't on board, they can do more harm than good!!!

And don't worry - it's natural to have angry days off an on for quite some time: esp. when you were previously trickle truthed, etc...

ugh, i've just gotten home from the appt. it went well; she totally disagreed with how the other counselor handled things (and i gave her a grilling, too - i took the MB "how to find an MC with me). she isn't familiar with MB, but we are making a book trade next week (she had something on her shelf i'd like to read too). though she didn't know MB terms, her way of addressing things is the MB way - she just didn't know it.

H told her everything from 6 years ago till now on his own, without prompting.

i am sick to my stomach. talking about all these things is really upsetting, but i agree that we've got to drag it all out into the light so i can heal, which was my goal when finding MB in the first place. i can't spend any more time thinking about this every day. and i want our M to be strong and happy on both sides. when H gets home, we are going to have dinner, then go get ice cream & sit down by the beach for more convo.

i didn't mention this earlier, but when we went to the beach last weekend, we talked about the a, and i got info i hadn't gotten before, as he was willing, for the first time, to discuss how he got to that place. it literally took my breath away. learning that he had asked her to come to NV but she didn't have a passport - ouch! i was so upset, and worried about clock/day 1, but by the next day i felt better about it. finally getting the truth, and seeing his remorse, helped a LOT. i'm so looking forward to being able to finally put this behind us!

Letty, Its not easy to hear and it will stir emotions. It is good he is willing to discuss and is remorseful, that is part of the MB recovery plan. I'm here to support you through this ... you know how to contact me.