Long story short (as short as possible..)

I've been married for going on 4 years. This is my second marriage, first one failed because of my ex-spouses infidelity. I couldnt handle it, didn't know how too, married young for the wrong reasons, etc..etc..divorced after 12 years and two beautiful children.

Now, I'm almost 4 years in to my second marriage (6 into the relationship)..the woman of my dreams, my soul mate and POW...I don't know what it is that makes me deserve this again but here it is.

Affair started about 2 years ago, my spouse says that I was not meeting her emotional needs, etc. Basically, if you read all through this site it all fits to a T. My wife became pregnant from this affair, it was immediately known to me as I had a vasectomy 14 years prior. She tried to say that it wasn't, I tried to believe that maybe something 'fixed' itself and went through the humiliating process of getting my sperm count checked again. Dr's wants to know why after so long, all I could do was cry...heh.

So, we started counseling, she swore off the OM, said the baby would be mine and I accepted that. Things started going better, we had some rough patches through the pregnancy, I found that she had contacted him, etc. We got through that again. Now baby is here, almost a year old and I find that she's contacting him again. I confront her and pretty much her immediate response is I think we should separate so we can figure things out. I of course just think it's a ploy to get more time with him.

I gave her a chunk of funds and put the first/last/deposit down on an apartment she had found a couple miles from our home. We started having some really good days, we were hanging out, having family dinner, working through projects at our home (currently in a major remodel inside and out), etc. Things were going good. I did have my fears that she was still contacting him, I had seen through checking phone records that there was contact and confronted her about it. She say's every time that it will stop. But it's lies.

This past Sunday, we go to the beach and I wasn't having the best emotional day. I tried to talk to her about my fears and that immediately ruined her mood and made her defensive. I know I should have just tried to have a good day at the beach with them, but I absolutely knew something was up again. It's that feeling, when they act a certain way...you just know. So when leaving the beach I went to get a pack of cigarettes out of her purse (never been an issue before, grabbing something from her purse) and she directed me to a pocket that they were not in, so I opened the other side and found another cell phone...he'd bought her one before so they could communicate without my intercepting. She denies that it was purchased by him and that everything she 'secretly' does isn't always because of him. I find that hard to swallow...why else have secret stuff.

Nothing of mine is secret, I've only locked things when she has to show her how it feels when someone is seemingly hiding something from you.

Anyways - I've bought her furniture for her new place, continue to help support her (even though I put a healthy chunk in her new bank account for her because she wanted to be self sufficient but needed some help until she got a job). Allowed her to take anything she needed from the existing house, let her take my truck, all these things I keep trying to do because I'm so blindly in love with this woman I can't stand the thought of loosing her or making her angry, etc. I'm totally whipped, I don't want to divorce her, I want what we had in the beginning back so bad it hurts. She say's she does too, but sometimes I feel like I'm just being led on.

I suppose I should say that we do not have any biological children together, but I am so in love with our new daughter an d my step daughter (her six year old that I've raised since she was one) that I can't fathom life without them at this point.

Sometimes I think I should just run, count my losses for a second time and then never do this again but my heart is not letting me make that leap, I lover her too much to be the one to end it, I promised myself to her for life and I meant it.

I'm so lost. Any advice on what I should do? I asked her if she would work the principles of this site with me and she said she would, we ordered the books and all. She's the one that showed me this site while back. But if she's read this site, she knows that being apart like this is only going to make it worse. I know I'm rambling, but I've also got know one to dump this [censored] on and it's eating me alive.

She's moved out, I'm struggling being alone...now she wants a couple day break from seeing each other or talking. I can't hug and kiss the kids for a couple days. It's living hell.

Well, you've handed her to him. I know you think you were being 'nice' but you've handed her to him or other men by actually assisting her in creating a life without you.

If she is on board with MB then she needs to move back in with you ASAP. You CANNOT fix your marriage with her living a separate life without you. Is this man the legal father of the child or are you still technically (ie. paternity was not dis-established)?

You understand that this 'doormat'/desperate behaviour leaves you terribly vulnerable to women (and people in general) who are willing to take advantage of it?

When did you meet your wife? Were you divorced yet? What is her marital history? Since you say she has a 6 year old too...

Dude, there is NOTHING for you to salvage from the marriage to the monster your wife has become.

1) See if you can still contest (legal) paternity. Have the OM support the little [censored] from now on.

2) Contact a lawyer. File and get the hell out. With any luck you'll reside in a "fault" state, and that'll mitigate any financial obligations on your end.

Losing it

The vets are going to be here to help you shortly, sorry you are going thought this and glad you found this site as its your best chance of saving your marriage,

My only criticism of your behaviour is that you are rolling over and enabling this affair and do not appear to be fighting for your marriage.

It is insane to set your WW (wayward wife) up in an apartment and put money into her account all the while knowing that she still has contact with the OM.

Your WW can act the way she is acting because you are enabling her to do so. She is addicted got he OM and will it cut off contact until you demand it and make contact difficult and stop funding her independent behaviour.

She wants to move out, fine let her but don't support her financially or any other way because walking out of your martial home is as good as walking out of the marriage hence she should not get any benefits from the marriage if she has walked out on it.

Statistics show that If a spouse moves out they are unlikely to come back home, you can change the because she is financially dependant on you so you have more power than you think.

Your WW is an addict no one in their sane mind would encourage and addict to move out live on their own and supply them money so they can feed their addiction, this is what you are doing right now.

As I said the vets will be here to help you further. In the mean time please read the sites basic concepts.

Have you exposed your WW affair to anyone? If so who and how?
Have you exposed the OM behaviour to anyone? If so who and how.

Is the OM married?

I'm not ready to run, and had I actually read this site before hand I would not have funded her move out. I regret that now completely. There is know one to expose it too, her family already knows and does not care. Her mother has fed everyone full out lies and supports her behavior, it's insane.

I don't think that there is anything I can do to convince her to move back in. She is set for a while with the bank funds. Exposure to the OM's people wont' have any affect, not only do I not know how to contact, he went through as divorce with his wife because of their affair in the first place so know one to put pressure on him except for me and I've avoided that because I'm afraid of what I would do to him.

At this point, I think I'm just screwed. And trust me, I've thought about cutting losses and ending it. I know it seems some people would, I love her..I love the children, I just can't do that to them.

I will however cut off any funds starting immediately. That's my only hope...if there is any hope left.

I am the legal father on the birth cert, that is contestable though in our state up to a certain time. Not that I want too...I don't think that's relevant here because she is my girl, I cut her cord, I've raised her the first year of her life. How do you walk from that? I can't.

This marriage is done. You are just an ATM to her. I am usually not so hopeless, but your excessive enabling has all but killed this marriage. Your wife is just using you and playing you for a fool. I would strongly suggest you contact an attorney about your legal rights, because she will take you to the cleaners if you stop enabling her. There is nothing her to save.

You seriously need counseling to find out why you allow women to play you like this. Women do not respect men they can run over and our love is contingent upon the respect we feel. You have a strange, sick idea of what constitutes "love" because it is crystal clear she does not love you.

If you want to claim the child and support her, then go ahead and do that. But your presence in her life will likely result in her NOT getting much needed support. It would be much easier if you stepped aside and allowed another man to marry your WW and father the child. That is more likely to happen with you out of the picture.

Will the OM support the child?

And i predict as soon as you stop financing your WW and her affair that she will sue you for everything you have and dump you quickly. Because that is all she is here for. Once you cut off the money, she will have no use for you.

Are you financially supporting her because you know that her and OM could dis-establish paternity?

I am the legal father on the birth cert, that is contestable though in our state up to a certain time. Not that I want too...I don't think that's relevant here because she is my girl, I cut her cord, I've raised her the first year of her life. How do you walk from that? I can't.

And the witch that is the child's mother has played your emotions masterfully.

Please congratulate her on being a heartlessly successful manipulator of your decency.

Losin_it,

For two years of your four year marriage if not more your WW has been cheating on you, what would you say to your son if he were married to a woman who acted like your WW?

And most of all there is no future with this WW. Can you really ever trust her again?

Did she marry you for money, because it sounds like you may be quite a bit older than WW?

God Bless
Gamma

I am not financially support because I'm worried about that happening. I had an option, she moves out of state (3K miles away) where there is absolutely zero hope (all her family is back east) or I let her take some space. Neither option was good, I happened to like the option of still having some chance, even if remote, at reconciliation.

And I believe that the OM would step in and support the child. That is not my issue. I am trying to save my marriage, I know I haven't done things right, I know I've given in and let her walk on me, I had no intentions of that. Iv'e realized that I've been deeply depressed and am seeking counseling. In fact, we have joint counseling appointments set. I do have hope still, even though you are being so brutal about it (I do appreciate brutal honesty though, it's what I need now).

I'm 7 years older, not a ton older. She did not marry me for money, I did not have as much then as I do now. Although I was able to protect assets from my first marriage, I was not able to protect my salary, a huge monthly support payment took us to negative monthly from the start. I am now in a much better position financially. I do believe that it started because of my stress and workload from my first job. I was not meeting her emotional needs at all, I am extremely sexual as well, as was she in the beginning. I know where my faults were, she knows that there is no excuse for what she did. I am not accepting blame for it, I just know my shortcomings and from reading almost this entire site I know that I was not there for her to communicate with, to get that emotional connection she needed.

I know now and want to work on it with her.

I actually just got off the phone with her, I spoke to her about MB again and how we spoke about using this site, buying the program and doing phone counseling through the site as well. I am a little nervous about our current in person counselor as he seemed to think separation (living in different houses) was not an 'out of the question' option. That was another reason I agreed to it.

Obviously, I am having second thoughts about that now...lol.

Anyways, phone call. Seemed to go OK...I spoke to her about what I've been learning and reading about reconciling rebuilding our love for each other. (to answer the other question...yes..in time, I could trust her again. I love her that much...if she wanted money, she's had access to take 6 times the average american yearly salary any time she wanted and hasn't).

I told her that I love her and that I do not believe at this point that a separation would be in our best interest, I told her that for us to work out she will need to come home and work on it together. That if she wants to be my wife, she can't live somewhere else as a single person. She understood that. I invited her to the home for dinner tonight to discuss. she accepted, and seemingly was not reluctant. Normally when she does something she does not want to do I can immediately tell.

Maybe she knows that I am at my last string and it's either come home and work with me or it's done. Maybe she will try to play me in to more time. I know at this point I am done feeling this way and I need to heal, whether it's with her or without (I'm convincing myself of this as I type).

I love her completely...foolish, maybe...but it's a fact. We connect, she was my partner in crime..we did everything together. I want that back if I can have it.

As for 2 years together and what would I say to my son...lol. I would tell him to run, but would my son run if he loved that woman like me? It's not been a solid 2 years of her cheating. It happened, went away and then came back with some digital contact as well. We did not commit to fixing ourselves, we've never truly committed to it, neither of us. That's why I think there is a chance still...if we commit, I believe we can do it. There are still sparks...there are still good things. I know I have to over look a LOT of stuff, but I, in my current state am willing because I do love her.

Those weren't the only 2 options. The other option would have been not to give her any money at all and not cooperate. She likely would not have left.


I feel badly that you have hope, because it is so ill founded. Hope should be based on evidence and there is no evidence here that she is doing anything more than using you as an ATM. I think that reality has not been your friend and this is why our posts seem so "harsh" to you. You have been avoiding reality in a very big way so I imagine it is a shock for objective observers to give you a realistic perspective.

I can fully understand why you are depressed. You are being abused in a very grievous way and doing nothing to prevent it.

I am usually the most optimistic person here and can see hope where others can't, but this is hopeless unless your wife makes radical changes. She has no intention of doing so and I know you know that.

She has probably been in the affair your whole marriage. Please consider backing out of this and allowing the OM to support and raise that child since he is the real father. Your marriage to her is not going to make it and your presence only hurts the childs chance of being raised by her parents.

Did your relationship with her start as an affair? Were you married when you met her?

No no no...our relationship did not start as an affair..lol. We were both separated from our spouses and going through divorces. We lived together for 2 years before getting married. And like I said, I'm not worried about harshness..I expected it and need it. I have kept this story bottled in to myself for 2 years and getting it out is helping.

That's why I'm hear. I've been hiding this forever out of shame. I found a place where I can anonymously get feedback without feeling the shame. I do want to reconcile, but I am also wanting advice on if I should or not. I thank you for your candor, please keep it coming

Seperated is MARRIED. So YES, your relationship did in fact start as an affair.

Welcome Losin. Firstly, it is quite disrespectful to type "lol" at the end of your answer about if your relationship started as an affair.

Secondly, you were both married to other people, so I hate to break it to you, but your relationship did start out as an affair.

I agree with the posters whom have already posted to you. Not only do I believe that your WW was having an affair for your entire marriage, I also believe that she would head for the hills and take you for everything she can, financially. I wouldn't be surprised if your WW not only took your for CS, but then moved OM in.

My suggestion, since you believe that exposure won't do any good, would be to cut off your WW financially(speak to an attorney first), and tell her that you have a nice home that you are already supporting and you refuse to support a house where she will live separately from you.

I do believe that you have a very slim chance to save this marriage, and you've already made some crucial mistakes. If you were a friend of mine, IRL, I would advise you to cut and run.

I really do appreciate the honesty of your posts. I have not looked at this situation in any other manner than my depression and longing to be with her. I got over the anger when I first found out and then I think depression set in and I've let it run wild for too long. A decision will be made tonight, I'm am so damn thankful I actually did more than just read this site and move on. I am learning more about myself as posts strike a chord with me. I am learning that I've been too depressed to stand for myself and what I believe in. I got lost in the fact that this is the second time this has happened to me...it's overwhelming. I consider myself a mans man...I am a formidable human, tough as nails...but I've been reduced to this shell of whom I was...a sad little puppy so to speak. I am not that guy...I will no longer be that guy.