Have your WH call SH, and have SH tell you when it is safe to speak to your WH again.

Also listen to this radio clip from Dr. Harley saying what a WH should do for recovery.
Radio clip

Thanks, Scotty. That's what I finally did (should have done it at first).
BH - thanks for the link. I will hear it now.

Keep us posted.

Thanks. I need that. I am not sure I am ready to leave my Plan B cocoon.

That's why it's important to listen to SH on this. He won't steer you wrong. And PB will be an option, should your WH decide that he can't do what is needed.

It says a lot about your PB that you feel the security of it. That means you did good.

I have a knot on my gut whenever I think of the possibility of starting recovery with WH.
I guess my body now fears WH and all the pain he inflicted.
I just want to send him a message to forget about me.
Should I do it and get this torture over with?
I know D will be painful, and lonely, but the thought of going back in a relationship with WH, (even if following a plan in the beginning - and I do not know how long WH will put up with it) is haunting me.

This is what I love about Plan B: your bar for recovery goes so high.

Your feelings are based on the last set of actions you saw from him.

Wise and normal.

If you to see another set of actions, reassuring ones, your feelings would change.

If he actively did the things on your list, enthusiastically, would your feelings change? Do you need anything else on there?

SH won't steer you wrong. If you are best staying in your Plan B he will say so.

Indie - thanks. Wise words...

I guess there is no point in pressuring myself to make a decision one way or another when I not ready for it.
Back to Plan B and see how things move...

EGG ZAK LEE !!!!

(((Estrela))) Dr. Harley does not insist that a BW accept her WH back. It is your choice. And your history, your WH's history, as presented here, indicates he is a seriel cheater. So if you choose to not let him back into your life NO ONE should fault you for that. NO ONE.

You call the shots. Not this board. Not Dr. Harley. It is your life.

If your WH is serious about a true recovery, AND you want to let him prove himself to you, it COULD work. Doesn't mean you are obligated to attempt it.

This is your decision. I wish you well.

(and this is said by a BW of a seriel cheater ....I was married for 26 years....I reached my breaking point with him.....there came a point where I knew I could never trust him again.)

Estrela, let us know how you are...

Caracal - thanks for the thought. I guess I am not doing great this week. Obsessing a bit much about WH and our relationship. He has a call on Thursday with SH and we will probably talk after that. I put to myself that I am not going to be pressured in deciding anything if I am not ready for it, but my mind keeps spinning...

SW - Thanks for the support for whatever direction I choose. I do feel pressure (from myself - to be clear) in taking him back at the expense of my own good sense. Maybe I feel bad for him, and also it seems to be the proper thing to do.

If I think about myself (and the kids, since I have decided that whatever puts me in a safe and happy place will be best for kids, with or without WH) I admit that I still have feelings for WH but right now, I cannot trust him. I cannot trust that he can be a stable, safe and caring husband. If he can prove me wrong somehow, I might think about giving it a try. So far, all he has said (and most importantly not done) has just confirmed he is still deep in fog and deep in himself.

I will spend Saturday on a meditation retreat. What a treat. Hope it helps clear my mind

This attitude will give you the very best chance for a successful R.

Acknowledge your feelings, but don't let them guide you. You will know when it's time.

Neak - thanks for the words.
Feelings are tricky and ephemeral, but very intense and convincing.

estrela, this is a GOOD thing. you *shouldn't* trust him. if he takes the opportunity you have offered, and does prove that he can change and will change for you, well, you can make up your mind then. and if not, then you're halfway there already. he has agreed to speak w/SH - that is one step. a journey is made of many, though, not just one.

i hope you enjoy your retreat, and that it brings some peace.

I think you're coming at this from the right angle Estrela. This line struck me, as I have been thinking about feelings recently. As Neak says, acknowledge them, but don't let them be the only basis of any decision you make.

That is what a wayward does.

Right now, your WH is the one who has to meet your bar. And even if he does that, no one will fault you if you decide marital recovery is not what you want.

Hugs to you, stay strong, and enjoy the retreat. Pure Plan B at its finest.

What Dr. Harley and Joyce and Melodylane always say.

"Feelings follow actions"

Thank you for your words and support, my friends.

It is so interesting how much wisdom MB and this group has. I realize when I am talking to people with no MB knowledge that their arguments (either pro-M or pro-FU) are flawed and do not take into consideration all the basic things we learn about here.

Letty - Time to update your sig line? I've been following your thread. I am really happy for you. Keep strong and good luck!