Losing it

Reconciliation and recovery requires alot of work initially from you then when your WW is on board alot of work from her.

Here is just a start of what you need to do if you choose to fight for your marriage.

Regardless of what you THINK people will do/say or react exposure is the first step to bust the affair, you can look up and find the OM contact and family details so you can expose to them and encourage them to I fluency the OM into ending his contact with your WW.

You need to stop financially enabling your wife to live a life outside your marriage.

You need to DEMAND that she moves back home and write a no contact letter to the OM that you approve and she sends to the OM.

DO NOT tell your WW that you are posting here, this is your secret space where you get ready for the battle. You can't give the enemy your battle plan.

Read the carrot and stick thread if someone can give you a link it would be great.

These are just a few steps you will have to take to start fighting for your marriage. Are you up for it?

Are you ready to stop being submissive and enabling your WW affair?

My apologies for the 'lol' I did not intend it as disrespect at all. I just chuckled to myself because I do not feel as if it was an affair. We were both separated, divorces were happening and there nothing that was getting either of us back together. Her ex was abusive, she wasn't going back. My ex was a cheater, I considered my marriage over. I guess technically, it's an affair until the final divorce decree is over. But in my heart, my first marriage was over and I do not consider it an affair, but I get your point...technicalities always get ya.

I am and in a previous post I plan to start tonight. I read the carrot and stick thread and I'm doing my homework on other things as well now.

Marriages that start out as affairs have a 20% success rate, and that is if and only if extraordinary precautions are had. For 40 years Dr. Harley has tried to save affairages and has concluded the only way to save them is if both spouses are willing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. He has stated without those two implemented to almost perfection you have no chance of having an affair proof marriage.

If you want to save your marriage here is what you need to do.

1) EXPOSE THIS SORDID THING LIKE A NUCLEAR BOMB. EVERYONE AND ANYONE IS EXPOSED TO ... MAKE OM'S LIFE A LIVING HELL WITH EXPOSURE. TRY AND KILL THIS ADULTERY WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. USE ALL TOOLS, AND DON'T BACK DOWN UNTIL OM IS RUNNING FOR THE CESSPOOL HE CLIMBED OUT.

2) PLAN A FOR SIX MONTHS

If 1 & 2 are not done, then you have no chance of saving your marriage. I mean 0%, nada, nilch, negative "One", -1, there will be absolutely nothing to save.

Where can I find more information on Plan A, I know I was reading it somewhere but it's a link I seem to have lost.

Thank you

I get what you are saying about affairs. What about freshly divorced? I mean, when a marriage is over and you are in divorce proceedings and there is no hope for reconciliation, as was the case in both of our statuses when we got together...what makes that fit in the statistic? Get what I'm saying?

Maybe I'm naive, but what is the difference in a signature saying you are now divorced and waiting for 2 months before you can sign the paper that you wish you could have singed 4 months prior? I'm not trying to argue, I'm just trying to understand the reasoning. I consider myself a faithful man, I have not 'cheated' on anyone. My ex was gone, moved out and moved on when my relationship start with my current spouse.

Like your wife probably tells others right now, but if your wife was with another man tonight, you would consider it an affair.

How do you know he was abusive?

You cheated yourself.

You didn't take the time to heal, to learn, to grow from the experience, because you have ended up in the same situation, only an even more cruel one where she has had a child with another man.

Aside from the "affair" issue when separated (others have already spoken of it), a person who jumps back into another relationship without growing and learning will not make proper choices in a partner. People who are ready for a solid marriage don't date people who are still married. She wasn't ready to be faithful and you weren't ready to set your boundaries.

Thank your for explaining, I see your points and they make sense to me now.

I found the Plan A, I thought something different than Carrot and Stick...

I've got so much on my mind right now it's hard to think straight.

"have not looked at this situation in any other manner than my depression and longing to be with her. I got over the anger when I first found out and then I think depression set in and I've let it run wild for too long"

Losinit, you really have a choice between short term pain/long term pain or short term pain/long term gain from my perspective. Sure, it will hurt to leave her at first, but doing so frees you up to find someone you love as much who LOVES YOU BACK. You can't go find that as long as you are stuck with this unloving wife.

There is no benefit to sticking around with her. She is not in love with you and you will be perpetually stuck with her OM because of the child. You would be in a much better place in 2 years and might even be remarried to someone who returns your love.

The only hope here is if your wife makes radical changes and ends all contact for life with her OM. That ain't going to happen. Why damn yourself to a death of a thousand cuts? You have a young marriage and really don't have that much to lose. Get out while you are still young. Find someone more suitable.

Plan A is completely inappropriate here. He has been in Plan A for 2 years. Need meetin is not the solution to this. Why give this man false hope?

"Marriages that start out as affairs have a 20% success rate, and that is if and only if extraordinary precautions are had."

What he describes is not an affairage. An affairage is defined by Harley as a marriage that was initiated by an affair that broke up another marriage. It is classified as an affairage because of the FOG. If his relationship with his current wife did not break up his last marriage it is not an affairage. I believe we have had this discussion before and I explained to you what Dr Harley told me.

LI, I have no reason to advise you as I have except for the incredible weight of experience that has been documented here on MB. What you cannot yet know is that your WW's treatment of you is not "special". It's the same tawdry treatment of a BH by a WW that appears here (sadly) almost daily. What makes your story startling is your surprising inability to see the reality of what you were facing. (Did you REALLY have a sperm-count done after many years post-vasectomy? Really?) We here are not so involved in your overly romantic view of life within the LI-couple that we are blind to reality.

Two things you should know:

Women's brains "love" someone, until they "love" someone else; there is no ability to split their affections. (Men evidently can.) The killer is that when a love interest is supplanted, it's like a kitchen match - once it's out, it can't be independently relit.

History here shows that "moving out" by WWs is the death-knell to any reconciliation. Not only is yours "moved out", but you actively ASSISTED her to do so, tacitly giving your approval to her decision.

We here at MB want to facilitate and support strong and supportive marriages. We want that for you. It won't be with your current wife, so the best advice we can give you is to guide you to preparing for your next one.

This may already be too late but I think it still has excellent advice.
Why You Need A Lawyer

So, you were BOTH married when you got together? Do you understand that your relationship began as an extramarital relationship? You were two married people in a relationship together. That is an adulterous relationship. That makes a huge difference when you enter into a marriage with each other. Your relationship began as an adulterous relationship. The foundation of your marriage was built on sand.

Yup. You're seeing that now. Those pesky 'technicalites'.

Agreed.

There should be a study done to determine what causes otherwise intelligent men to allow themselves to be, in fact to actively take part in being, a WW's ATM. Boggles the mind, really.