Yes we read the books aloud to each other too and then the discussion from it were very useful. I have heard a lot about the workbook and so we'll look into picking this up.


Yes we fully implement MB finally after I resisted no end. We POJA, stick to UA time, I very rarely LB, And the last 3 months were the best of our marriage for probably 6-7 years. I was meeting my wife's EN's and avoiding LB. she had my full support and I impoved in every way possible. She has every password and has installed keyloggers. We never spend a night apart and my work is completely tracked via satelittle and my log sheet. Which is why this incident has blown us both out of the water.

Until 3 months ago I was a runner, so every time things got tough I was ready to ditch the marriage, I'm thoroughly ashamed to say it but now I'm also proud I've completely turned that attitude around. This has been really tough for us both and before I would have been getting ready to run by now, however I'm already starting rebuilding and I'm feeling confident. I'm apologising and showing her I still love her, Ive stopped messing about here and am now just being honest and looking to achieve my target of being the great husband I have only ever dreamt of being.

My wife and I are working through the boundary list and should have that nailed down at which point I'll print a copy and keep it with me. I will read it daily until I am able to recite and live the boundaries as gospel. I have given up drinking alcohol outside of the house and am starting to get overt myself with being to scared of life to protect my wife. I'm starting small with the cold calls as I mentioned earlier and already done one before work. It was an instant improvement although still a long way to go, but I'm taking all positives I can for now.

Apologises if ive missed anything but I'm responding from my mobile in between jobs.

LTG, here's a little exercise for you that might just give you a visual as to how you should react if a situation like this should ever happen again.

Sit in a chair wearing only your boxers/briefs. Since it's dangerous to use a grenade, have your wife lob a steaming hot potato wrapped in foil (as in straight out of the oven) onto your lap. Your reaction time to that hot potato/grenade should be the same as your reaction time to that woman sitting in your lap. She was a hot potato/grenade with the potential of burning you badly and blowing up your marriage... and she did... and it did because you didn't react to the danger.

Next time... you'll see that hot potato/grenade coming and jump so fast it won't stand a chance of making contact.

Get it now? A loose disrespectful other woman who thinks nothing of sitting in a married man's lap = hot potato/grenade.

L2G,

Wow! All I wanted to do is traumatize you with a transvestite homosexual hooker! Pm wants your spouse to risk scalding your "boys"!

You should have been more amenable to MY initiative.

I've had "the op" so my boys are useless anyway but yes I'd still sooner take on the trannie

Yes the imagery of that made me understand what is required. Simple example but trust me I know my reaction to grenade or potato and now my reaction to skanks must be just as certain

OK, emmm, seriously??

You just demonstrated that you are afraid to rock the boat in public
You can't handle public confrontations that could make you look bad
You don't do well under pressure
You protect other peoples feelings ahead of your wifes
ETC
ETC
ETC

You can tell me you hate ALL your OW's all you want.....
But I ain't buyin' the six step outline you just gave. Especially with what you just demonstrated in the pub recently.


Maybe you can give a better, more realistic, drama free plan for what you'll be doing if/when a chance run in with one of your OW's occurs.



ON A DIFFERENT NOTE;


Do you realize that YOU were the slut and home wrecking w***e ?????

I absolutely realise that what Ive proposed it extreme for me, but to be honest it needs to be. Ive been soft and whimpy all my life and now im working on stepping over my personal feelings to protect my wife. If this scenario happened and I just said: I told you I wanted NC, dont ever bother me again, I love my wife and then walked off; simply wouldnt be enough for my wife or me.

I am aiming high because otherwise ill never change so believe it or not im leaving the list as it is...


ummmm yes, I tried to argue in my head for a second to find a loophole but yes you are right. I rightfully hang my head in shame but im also determined to be the man my wife wants and needs in her life.

I wasn't interested in shaming you. My goal was to help you see you were not a victim in any of this. And to allow you to accept the responsibility for what happened to your marriage rather than blaming any of these OW's.

L2G, your post is shocking for me to read, because I don't go to places where this sort of thing happens.

I think that should be one of your extraordinary precautions: don't go to bars, and don't go out with single friends.

The whole point of an extraordinary precaution is to go the extra mile to make sure you don't even get into a bad situation.

Then you will not have to worry about what to do when the situation arises, because your EP prevents it from even arising.

So you're telling me these are reasonable steps??




Allow me to summarize;

1) I'd get a gun and shoot her. (Fantasy) Not realistic!
2) In the middle of a public place, you'd insult and harass her while laughing. (Fantasy) Guess who goes to jail? YOU!
3) But wait, You'll be rubbing you wife's back the whole time, I mean holding her hand. (Sarcasm on my part) You did that in the pub, and it didn't help much...
4 In the middle of a public place, you'd insult and harass her while laughing. Threaten to call the police if she goes to the store?? (AGAIN - Fantasy) Except this fantasy has you calling the police. Again, Guess who goes to jail? YOU!
5) Compliment your wife!
Insult OW again!
Then Thank OW - She helped you see the light!
Let me know how this one works for you, as I'm sure your wife will be in another taxi after that one!
6) Take pride in calling her names again! (Fantasy land) Will you hold yours high while being escorted out by the police or security guards for verbally accosting a store patron?



Can you see all the flaws in this 6 step nightmare?

Are you willing to try it again?

Look, this stuff ain't easy.... It requires real, thought out steps. Not the BS you just listed out, OK!

It's WORK! And it's WORK! Did I mention it requires a lot of WORK to succeed? But the harvest is bountiful and worth the effort.

L2G, HerPapaBear is exactly right. What you have listed is pure drama and fantasy, not reality. Drama will not win your wife back. It's going to take real work and real change.

Stating it extra dramatically does not make additional deposits in her Love Bank.

I know what you were getting at, its ok. Post d-day my wife pushed me to project all my anger as well as hers onto the OW, probably as she couldnt stand to believe that her huband could be capable of hurting her in such a disgusting way and it was safer to blame the OW. I now naturally have a disgust for the other woman and this is important for my wife as it reminds me of what I have done so as not to reaffend.

Now whenever the OW comes up in conversation I cant talk about her without using very choice names for her. Thats also where the focus you mention comes from. I have however taken responsibilty for the A now but your question was specifically about seeing the OW.

Hi Markos,

This is sad but also true. Not sad for me as I really dont mind about the pubs and bars etc but my wife is being made to suffer for my actions again and again. We go out so rarely as stated previously that to relax with friends in a bar was a great idea. The night was perfect until my disgusting act....

Having said that, despite the initial anger and resentment from my wife, hopefully having a stronger marriage will be worthwhile.

Ok look points one and two were meant to be a little funny, sorry about that, I dont and wont even own a gun plus I work for the Ministry of Justice in the UK so Im well aware of consequences of those actions.

As I posted in a post above this one, my anger towards other woman was originally manufactured when I was wayward after the A, my wife wanted an angry response to OW to show I hated her and understood what she had done to our marriage; rather than accepting what I HAD DONE to it. In time this became a natural feeling of my own and now cannot hear the OW mentioned without cussing and calling her names. However I do accept responsibility for the A regardless of OW actions, same as the latest night out. If I had strong and robust boundaries neither of these skanks would have got anywhere near my marriage in the first place.

So back to the ficticous confrontation:

1. I would tell her that I meant the no contact and that she must leave us alone
2. I would hold my wifes hand regardless of latest incident as it shows the skank togetherness.
3. I would tell her I meant what the NC letter said and that she was the biggest mistake of my life
4. That my wife and I are stronger than ever
5. That my wife is the love of my life and always will be
6. Tell her I never want to see her again and leave with my arm around my wonderful wife

I assume, working for the Ministry of Justice, you make enough money to find a way to purchase Dr. Harley's online Program.

This would be a wise investment for your marriage. You may not recognise it, but your marriage is on life support and in need of the specialized equiptment Dr. H can bring. Working out of books alone is not enough, given the amount of damage you've done combined with the length of time you've allowed it to occur.

It sounds like you totally missed what I said: don't go to bars, and this will never happen again. Simple as that.

Markos I think i explained badly what I meant. I said ok, i will do that because I see its a sensible move but I said my wife will be angry taking away another fun thing for her to do. But the premise of a better and strong marriage should prevail..

At the moment its impossible as my wife hasnt worked since A. My wage is barely scrapping us through month by month and we have to budget every single food shop and every single bill. She is starting a business venture in the next month and then yes we hope to see some free capital which can of course be invested where needed but this will take a further couple of months. Right now we are panicing everyday as march and april have all 4 kids birthdays as well as mine and my dads plus 2 friends. Plus wifes best friend is getting married. So its a day worry financially right now. But we are already re-reading parts of HNHN that we both want to revisit and will look into picking up the work book asap....

I think you have it in you to become fun enough that your wife will enjoy being with you in plenty of places besides bars. There are millions of fun things to do in life. Restricting yourself from some that are dangerous or unhealthy will help prompt you to find others.

Thank you Markos, we did the RC inventory a while ago but we have decided to go through it removing all actvities that are outside of our financial capabilities as posted above. We can then brainstorm some more suitable ones and start from there, with a realistic list...