So what's going on with your gaming? I thought you POJA the time to game?

Are you holding to this?

right the issue of my gaming....

After an argument regarding my obsessive playing we agreed certain times of the day that it would be acceptable to play on work days and the same for non work days. For 2 months this was adhered to without fault. Roughly 3 weeks ago now I asked my wife in advance of my day off if she would mind a one off couple of hours for me to play on my day off work the next day. She agreed although stated she would never be enthusiastic towards my game.

The next evening it was agreed I would play from 9pm-11pm. I started playing at 9pm and I remember checking the clock at 10:45. The next thing I received a text from my wife asking if I would be much longer; it was now 11:10. I hadnt noticed I had overrun but she assumed it was intentional. I checked with her if we were still going food shopping but she was too angry and refused to go. This escalated into a big argument.

From the next day for 2 1/2 weeks everything was adhered to perfectly again until an incident late last week which was completely my fault. My wife had quickly popped from our shop to a neighbouring shop to buy something. I was waiting to go for my lunch, she hadnt returned 20 minutes later and my food was cold so I started to eat outside the cafe next door so I could still see if we had any customers. I was very angry and I did check my game while eating which there's no excuse for I admit. She finally returned to find me eating with my phone on the table with the game on. This led to an argument which I apologised for as I had the choice of how to react and I chose to break my boundaries and do something I knew would anger her.

Since then the agreement has been adhered to fully.

So it sounds like you need to POJA this again.

Is this gaming happening after you've met your UA time? How much are you getting? What are you doing?

The times agreed do not in any way affect our UA time as we've agreed evenings while im at work and early mornings before my wife wakes up. My agreed morning housework is always done on time before she wakes up regardless of my gaming. This is why for months its run smoothly.

We both make an effort to ensure our UA time is met. Depending on our week (we sit down together and plan every Sunday) we hit between 15-20hrs. My evenings off work we go for long walks through some nearby woods/fields, days off we arrange activities like coffee mornings, lunch dates, we have an allotment so we go to that a lot and just spend the time talking and enjoying each others company.

Just thought I'd throw this out there. Make sure that the time you spend together is the MOST enjoyable time of the week for both of you.

I was listening to the radio show the other day while mowing the lawn and Dr Harley had an example of a guy who loved to play golf. His wife liked to sleep in a little later on the weekends. So what he would do is get up at 5AM on Saturdays and go golfing while his wife was still asleep. He was on the golf course by 6AM and done and back by the time his wife woke up. Then they would spend the rest of the day doing something together.

Sounds great right? Well the problem with that was, Saturday morning golf became the most enjoyable part of his weekend. So even though he got in his UA time with his wife, the things they did together weren't as enjoyable to him as golfing that morning. This created a contrast effect, where no matter what they did together that day, it couldn't compete with the enjoyment he got while golfing.

Just something to consider.

Well it seems your DW is not enthusiastic about Your gaming. So you need to quit gaming until you both are enthusiastic about it.

So what are you going to do?

This has taken me quite a while to think about how to answer this. Guess I just have to be honest, over the years I've given up everything that I've enjoyed, friends, cars and cycling. Although this gaming might be pathetic its the last thing I do that I personally enjoy. It doesn't take planning so nice and simple and stress free when at work especially.

We all have to compromise to POJA otherwise neither of us would leave the bed let alone the house lol

I'm not currently willing to stop the little gaming I do for the above reasons. Our life is crazy manic and stressful like no one I know. So yes I would like to keep the final thing I enjoy that gets me through those times. Or at least wait until my AD's have kicked in first before considering it.

Hmmmm this is an intelligent post and I've been thinking about it most of the day. The concept does make sense.

So my response is this; when im gaming im escaping the ridiculously stressful life we have. Its not about the enjoyment levels (sometimes it goes badly) its about the escape. So while the escape it addictive, id still be spending my most enjoyable time with my wife.

Your escape should be with your wife.

Bottom line, your wife is not enthusiastic about your gaming. Are you willing to stop gaming, or will you continue at her expense?

Dangerous thinking.

Then I would advise your wife to leave you. You are not safe if you are willing to gain at her expense.

That means that you enjoy the gaming MORE than you do spending time with her. You are so obviously addicted that I am confused why this has not been addressed. An addict always has a myriad of reasons why they can't quit even though it causes great problems in their life. Why not just quit gaming altogether?

The escape should be your WIFE. And I don't believe it is not about enjoyment levels. I don't believe you. You are clearly addicted, which is why you won't give it up. It will always be a problem until you stop.

Can you go 30 days without it?

Yes, Dr. Harley says this often.

I completely understand gaming to escape. That's what I used to do many years ago. But now I escape with my wife!

This is what alcoholics say about alcohol. Do you realize this? They drink to escape life. That is very unhealthy, dysfunctional way to handle life.

The solution is to make your life less stressful and to find ways to alleviate stress that won't wreck your marriage. Normal people find healthy outlets every day. Your marriage is should be a great escape.

ARE YOU SERIOUS???

NO!

No, we don't compromise the POJA.

Not in my house, anyway!

L2G,

As others have stated. When are you going to quit gaming?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb.cfm/4/29/282

That's a pretty serious level of commitment Dr. Harley is recommending for marriage!

By the way, Dr. Harley himself packed up his own video games years ago.

It's not the last thing you'll ever find to enjoy, though. There are many, many things to enjoy in life. You and your wife need to find something you enjoy together, and until then you need to not game.


But your wife is not willing for you to continue.


I've got six children and have trouble believing your life is more crazy manic and stressful than mine.

Let's say a man has a terrible allergic reaction when he eats bananas.

A normal person will do the obvious: quit eating bananas.

An addict concocts elaborate and ODD strategies to keep bananas in his life. He negotiates with his unsuspecting spouse to eat 1/10th banana on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Pretty soon he is eating 1/2 banana on those days. The negotiating is endless until he is eventually back up to 10 bananas a day and suffering daily allergic attacks.

Would a sane person do that? That is "sanity" to the addict!

I realise this is becoming a lose/lose situation for me. See most things I do during the days with my wife I do not enthusiastically agree to, but I do them as otherwise we simply wouldn't see each other. Now if I give up the gaming due to it not being enthusiastically agreed with by my wife I have two options. Either I keep doing what I'm doing to keep this marriage together or I stick to what I've just been told above many times about what POJA is but it will badly effect our life and cause issues.

So basically this will be where I give up gaming and yet continue to sacrifice in order to make our marriage work. Or I give up gaming but appear to my wife to be acting like a baby and intentionally ruining everything else to prove a point.

How do you advise I manage this transition?

Let me clarify quickly for example. She works in a shop during the day 10-4 for 4-5 days a week. At the moment I go to the shop roughly 3-4 times to spent time together as I work evenings and therefore we wouldn't see each other. Well I hate going to the shop and she knows it as she does to but has to work. I agree but never enthusiastically to do this for our benefit. Now if POJA is properly implemented as you say above I should never step foot in that shop again. So that is why in my last post I said that we agree to things to make our life happen but not enthusiastically. So will it be one rule for her and one for me or shall we implement POJA fully but the inital fall out will be huge until we can find some way around this situation?

Please advise...