In almost every aspect- we are recovering beautifully, and life is good.

But there is a small twist. A woman I would have called one of my closest friends, and she did call me her best friend, made passes at my spouse while we were separated.

She would take information she had from me- and use it to try and move in on my spouse, who was best friends with her husband.

My spouse did not reciprocate. He put up a high wall around himself and rebuffed her every attempt. Which frankly, is a miracle, because this was during his defogging time and he was out of the house.

It came to a head- and he ended the friendship with her spouse so that he could have absolute no contact with her. It was hard- because they live across the street. He informed her spouse of why, and together we turned over the emails she had sent him.

Now- two years later- he is calm about the situation. I am not- at least in the factor that I want absolutely nothing to do with this woman. If she walks into a room, I walk out. We have mutual friends- I will not discuss her. We have children the same age, and her spouse is a teacher and coach. It sucks. But I have done my best to make her a non factor in my life. to be honest - my spouse is not the first spouse she has gone after. And after we stopped being friends- I realized the truth of all the rumors about her that I had dismissed before. And a few weeks ago- another improper entanglement with someone else's husband was revealed.

Last night- my spouse made a comment that life would be easier for our kids if I could just be nice to her, or surface friendly to those neighbors. He said it will smooth our children's path in school, and that I will feel better if I let go of the tension I feel towards her. He was encouraging me to be nice to her, if and when I see her . I cannot explain properly how angry this makes me. I feel more betrayed by this woman than I do by his former other woman. This woman had claimed to be my friend. And look what she did .

Help me. We are struggling to POJA this. Because I see my husband's point about my kids, but I am sick to death of bad people getting through because good people roll over.

Thoughts ?

I would want to get away from that toxic friend. Her denial BH needs help.

What about you and your H ask Dr. Harley's advice? Give both side of your stories on it.

According to POJA he shouldn't ask you (get along with her) to do anything you aren't enthusiastic about.

I agree. You aren't enthusiatic about being friendly with this woman. Never agree to anything reluctantly. It leads to resentment.

Brainstorm other solutions for making life easier for the kids (whatever the issue is at school).

Also, you didn't address it, but your husband should not be friendly with this woman either. Is he trying to change his past stance with this woman and her huband?

AM

My spouse has had no contact at all with her- he hasn't spoken to her, or spent any time around her or her spouse since this happened.

I am assuming she told people that my spouse hit on her. That is what she tells people in these situations. When I was her friend, and stupid, I believed her. I now know that is not the case.

He says he will stay far away from her and her spouse- but if I could be friendlier , it would help. The issue at school is that her spouse, my husband's exfriend- is a coach in the two sports my youngest child excels at. He could and would penalize my child over this situation. My solution? We school of choice my youngest if it materializes as a problem. And my younger daughter is in the grade of their daughter- and their daughter is a mean girl.

That's the point in the conversation when my head exploded.

Asking Dr. Harley is a fabulous idea. I can email the show!

Good update us with his advice. Would your WH also email so Dr. H can get both sides?

Also make sure you put something in the subject line to help try and avoid it going to spam.

I can ask him to email Dr. Harley- I am not sure if he will agree to that. His IC has beaten him over the head on this issue ( the neighbor and her spouse) so I think he supposes he knows what a professional will say to him.

But I am all for another person's voice on the issue. Maybe I am
missing something that he is picking up on. I just do not think, once you know there's an alligator in your bathtub, that you stick your hand anywhere near the alligator.

Ah, so your husband already knows the answer to this question and persists in asking. In our house, all it takes is me saying, "I am not enthusiastic about X, and we brainstorm a different solution". What are other solutions for your family? Change coaches? Change sports? Change schools? Change class at school? Move?

Guess I don't understand why anyone in your family would want to be involved with this family. A coach who would penalize a child for no good reason should not be a coach and why would any child want to be friends with a mean girl? Is a child's sport more important than the family?

AM

My daughter avoids her daughter. She doesn't wish to be friends with her- but my spouse was bullied in middle school, and replays the scenario in his head. I try to explain that our child is very different- and she cut off contact with the mean girl on her own, before this all went down, because she found the girl to be, in her own words, "unstable". The mean girl occasionally emails my daughter, and is trying to be friendly with her, and it makes my kid anxious. Because she knows it's tense between our families, and she is trying to maintain her own barriers, and well, I am sure you know what I mean. Sigh.

I agree that no coach worth his salt would be unfair. But we live in a small suburb. And if I told you the things that this coach has already done, you would understand the fear is reasonable. And tenure is unfortunate.

I think I need to ask Dr. Harley, and if he agrees, start to work on agreeing on school of choice. I agree that athletics do not take precedence over academics or family life- but I want my kid to not have limitations on his dreams and goals because of roadblocks created from other people's poor choices- my spouse's included.

And not to ramble- but I don't understand why anyone would wish to be friendly with them, either. I don't. But so many people are nice to that family- even though they know it's toxic. The stuff with my spouse is the tip of the iceberg. Really. I could make your hair stand on edge. But people don't stand up to them- there's all this talk of being the bigger person, rising above it, and blah blah blah.

I think that being the bigger person doesn't mean swallowing it and saying it's okay. It can mean holding your hand up and saying " enough. No more."

So, it is kind of disappointing that your husband is in the "be the bigger person, rise above it" camp.

AM

So very disappointing . It is a huge anger inducer in me.

As a newcomer to this thread, just wanted to say that I completely agree with you. I don't think you help situations like that by appeasing the "enemy" and pretending to be nice. Change schools, move, or do whatever else it takes to put this toxic family out of your lives. Hope to hear this discussed on MB Radio soon.

RS, you have been here long enough to know the solution; MOVE.

It's not about punishment or anything else, it's about prioritizing your marriage and the safety of your marriage.

When i got a letter from omw recently that was 25% truth and the remainder a fantasy, i felt the need to attack her and defend my wife. It was my wife who asked me not to reply.

So it is possible for fws to be the bigger people in some situations.

Its who our spouses are TODAY that matters. IMO.

Hold Her Hand-

That is a longterm goal- hopefully before my youngest hits high school. Which would make lots of this point of contention moot.

We have done a lot of arranging and accomodating in the aftermath of my husband's affair. Huge amounts. And the actual OW has moved out of state- far away.

But our house will not sell at this point/ and the neighbor's house has been for sale for 10 months. And we own a highly successful business in this area- which is our livelihood, our future, and a family business ( which we just bought my FIL out of, because he is toxic). And I have a daughter in high school that is absolutely blossoming and heading to college to two years. I will not move her out of her high school because the chick across the street is insane, and my spouse was one of her many targets.

I realize this will be construed as not following MB advice. I will take 2x4's over it- but moving at this moment in time is not an option. I will not. I refuse. We have a longer term, POJA plan for moving - if everything falls in line. In perfect MB land- I would have moved as soon as I realized what happened originally. But some things cannot happen.

Why does that scenario make the fws a "bigger person"? In your case, the best situation is to have no contact with the affair partner and family. So, your wife is entirely correct in advocating no reply to omw. I don't see that as being the "bigger person", but rather following no contact with this family.

In RidicSit's situation, her husband is asking her to "be nice" to someone she doesn't like and does not want to be around. She should not have to accept this woman. Ridicsit is right to express her feelings of not being enthusiastic.

I do agree it is who our spouses are today that matters. Ridicsit's spouse wants her to do something she does not want to do. Where is the care and protection for her?

AM

Thank you, AM. That is how I feel. I need to be protected and honored in this situation.

Just saying that a fws may be able to make sound suggestions despite all evidence and history to the contrary.

Well... The next thing is that you two stop moving in intersecting social circles where you bump into this woman.

Your marriage is more important than your social circles.