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Hi All,
My wife ended her affair (I blew it up when I disclosed it to the OMW among others) and I am confident there has been no contact for the last 19 days (no contact letter was sent). My wife is sad and depressed at times because she misses him. She tells me that she thinks I'm a great guy and enjoys spending time with me however she is not sure if she can ever feel "that way" about me ever again. Since she is still mourning the loss of the OM she is not willing or committed to working on our marriage, is there anything I can do to move this along? Should I give her space? We email, text, and talk more now than we have done in a long time but I want my wife back not a friend? Any advice would be welcome.
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Hi SS1, welcome!
Have you read Surviving an Affair yet?
Withdrawal is normal for a WS to go through. But it is very possible to recover your marriage and your love for each other.
The vets will be along with some links for you, I'm sure but I wanted to welcome you and tell you, that yes there is hope. But it is a process and requires patience.
Last edited by Rocketqueen; 05/02/12 03:02 PM.
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Thanks,
I have read surviving an affair and while we have not outlined our emotional needs I have been trying to meet them as best as I can or as much as she will allow me to. She does not want physical contact with me however I have been trying to be the best me I know how to be and we have been communication very well. It's just scaring me how she feels about the OM and how remorseful she is about how "hurt" he must be. I know this is common but it doesn't feel like she feels anything for me and as much as I give I get nothing back. Do i continue to give or pull away so the she is able to miss me? I'm confused..
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Your WS is still a little foggy. I remember my WH not wanting to send the NCL because OW would be "crushed". Like I gave a darn about her feelings?? Continue meeting her needs, and avoid LB's. And I would say DO NOT GIVE HER SPACE. When my WH gives me space, it's freaks me out and makes feel like he doesn't care. Hang tight, the forum is chock full of fabulous people more experienced tahn I and will be along soon.... Brainhurts, where are you with your helpful links that you always seem to have on hand? 
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I will take your advice. NO SPACE! This is so hard! I'm the one she should be chasing and to continue to give and give and get nothing back but mourning for the OM! It's killing me...
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"Stole" this from another thread for you
Here is Dr Harley's advice for getting through withdrawal. As you can see it takes time, and if depression is an issue, he suggests an anti-depressant:
How to Get Through Withdrawal
In R.J.'s case, his feelings for his wife are as bad as they have ever been. In the case of M.S.'s husband, he is suffering so much that he can no longer make love to his wife, something that had always come very easily to him in the past. What is happening to these men?
They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers.
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.
But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.
Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.
Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.
Coping with infidelity: The End
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BTW, RJ is the wayward spouse and MS is the betrayed spouse, just to make the reading clearer.
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And the rest of the article
It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.
There's a sense in which M.S.'s husband was in withdrawal even before M.S. discovered Learn More!
"Surviving an Affair"
the affair. As soon as the move was made, he became depressed, and what M.S. noticed the most was his lack of interest in sex. Depression will do that to you (and so will anti-depressant medication -- one of it's only side effects is a loss of sex drive).
If M.S.'s husband were to avoid talking to his lover for three weeks, it's likely that his sex drive would start to return, since the worst symptoms of withdrawal would probably have ended. He has a long history of sexual interest in his wife, and I guarantee that he will eventually do just fine in bed.
The problem that R.J. may soon face is that his wife's cheerful attitude will wear thin. There's no telling how much longer she can try to please him without an approving response from him. Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.
It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.
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TY, I did read elsewhere that it was normal. She was very angry for awhile and while she wouldn't admit it I am pretty sure it was directed at me for blowing it up.
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No you don't give her space you help her through withdrawal. Have you read these on withdrawal ? Recovery After An Affair Coping with infidelity:The end Since you've read SAA. Do you remember Sue going through withdrawal. What have you done to clean up your side of the street? Remember there are reasons for an affair but never excuses.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Was her affair exposed? Was her OM married?
Did she write a NC letter?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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TY, Great stuff! I have been making an effort (which I really like) to talk and spend time together. I'm fairly strong right now and can listen to how she is feeling even though it is very hurtful. I email, text or call her throughout the day but I am careful not to smother her. We also have been getting a sitter during the week so that we can have some alone time together. It's really a mixture of serious discussion about how she feels, humor, with a little bit of flirting thrown in. I'll continue to try to meet her emotional needs as after reading what you sent me made a lot of sense.
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So the OM's BW was exposed to? How much UA time are you getting?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes - OM BS was exposed (OM live 2 states away with 2 kids. Wife met him on internet and lucky for me (sarcasm) his wife's family lives a mile from my house. When they were in town for Christmas was the first time they hooked up.)
Not enough UA, about 5 or 6 hours a week where we will go out alone or spend some time together watching TV after the kids go to bed.
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Dr. H recommends AD's for either spouse going through this. This may help with her withdrawal.
The UA time is a must. 20+ when restoring love. What are her top EN? What are you doing to meet them?
What are you doing to clean up your side of the street?
She met her OM online? What EP's has happened to make sure she doesn't do this again? Get rid of the conditions that helped her to have her affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Here are some clips of a WH struggling with withdrawal from his affair. Radio clip of WH withdrawal from his affair Segment #2 Segment #3
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 45
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NEED more UA, that is clear. Don't know her top 10 EN as she says that she needs time to get over her A before she can work on us, "if she is ever able to". So I have been guessing but I have focused on appreciation, affection, and conversation. Also i was confused, I have not read SSA, I read How to Survive Infidelity the article so I am not clear as to what cleaning up my side of the street means.
Finally,she met him playing Words with Friends on her phone and she has removed the ap (she lets me see her phone.)
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Get the book SAA ASAP. There is a real couple that Dr. Harley actually worked with and Sue went through major withdrawal. She is still very foggy and you need to not listen to her babble. I know it hurts but teach yourself some armour. Here read these. Female Wayward Fog Babble by Pep
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Here are some more. Craziest things to come out of a Wayward's Piehole Also have you read this so you know what to do to help you be the best H. Carrot and Stick of Plan A
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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