I posted a topic a few days ago and since then i have learned i didn't have anywhere near the right information that i needed to ask for help. If this is in the wrong spot please let me know and how to get it moved to the right spot.
So Let me get into this.
H and I have are in our early 20's, stationed overseas(high stress) and he is currently deployed. He has told me a few days ago that he wants a divorce and that he has not been in love with me for the past 2yrs. He has only stayed in the marriage because he was "keeping the peace".
Back story:
2yrs ago H accused me of cheating on him with another married guy in his unit. I was working late at night almost every night. He expected me to walk 3 blocks to get home at 1am. A friend of ours also in the unit started picking me up and driving me home after a co-worker of mine got raped behind the building. I have never cheated on him. To be honest I Hate the guy that he thinks i had this affair with because he was cheating on his wife, with anyone he could. H has always turned to his mom and his "sister"(female friend he has/had a thing for, also married) for everything. He moved out for a while tried dating and failed all while still being in the marriage with me. Took everyone's word over mine that this never happened. We tried consoling, I walked out when the therapist told him to go date and screw every one that he could, and for me to wait around for time to make up his mind. We talked it out and moved beyond it or so i thought, boy was i wrong. After that accusation I made everything i did transparent to him. He ended up going back to the states for leave and seeing this "sister" I'm not comfortable with her being around, and asked him to not see her. He promised he wouldn't and did anyway. When he got back i confronted him about it and everything he did then became transparent. That was until he deployed 6 months ago. He has change his forms of communication with his female friends so i can't access it. There are no questionable charges on his checking acc. He swears there is no one else and that he believes that he just doesn't belong being married. That He's not right for me. The biggest one is him blaming me for not going to say good bye to a dying family member( I told him to go). He is Suppost to be home with-in the next Week for R&R When He plans for us to discuss separation since he knows i will not agree to a divorce. I have Ordered several MB books: surviving an affair(even though it never happened), G&T, 4 gifts of love, I cherish you, The DVD set offered here, and Falling in love, staying in love.

How do I save my marriage? Is there any way to move beyond what he thinks happened?

Welcome to MB ... sorry you are here. I think your hubby is gaslighting you and is having an affair. ( gaslighting meaning trying to be convincing he is not having an affair .. and twisting it to be your fault .. or accusing you and deflecting the blame.)

Marriage counseling is a waste of money and time and often you leave feeling worse than when you went in. .. they dont know how to restore love. Is your hubby back from deployment? I would set up your home PC to be keylogged .. and put a VAR in his car when he gets home .. be pleasant .. and PLAN A him (meet his emotional needs with expecting anything in return for a short period .. displaying that your the best choice for him)til he gets home if he is not .. If he is not home ... its hard to work on a marriage from far away.

I am sure other vets will chime in ... but I would suggest this be moved over to surviving an affair ...as I believe your hubby is having one. get some hard evidence with the suggestions above .. maybe even get some spyware on his phone once he gets home and if you do find something BRING IT HERE! We can help you with the next steps.

MNG

What snooping can you do and get the information on these women?

Let me highlight the salient points of your story:

- This entire issue started when he cared so little about you that he expected you to walk home at 1am through an area you did not feel was safe.

- He then decided to take other persons' word against yours that you were dallying with this other man (the driver).

- He then shared details of your marital issues with his mommy, and another married woman.

- He then moved out and "attempted" to cheat on you, but FAILED.

- He then went to spend time with this married woman.

- He will not trust your transparency efforts, but will not reciprocate.

Does that about sum it up?

Now against all that, what are his good points? Not nonsense like "I really love him even though....." The reason I ask is that my reading is that you and he were way too immature (not "young") and eager to have married as you did. His actions are not of a sufficient seriousness to have him be considered a decent marriage target.

So while it might be POSSIBLE to salvage this situation, what's the payoff for what will likely be months of soul-sucking work and emotional distress?

Brainhurts: He communicates with them on Skype, I believe on is the "sister" and another is an ex- girlfriend.

neverguessed: pretty much you got it, except it was not the guy that used to pick me up. It was a guy That used to just drop by after talking to my husband to pick something up for work. He never acted like this before we got married. And Yes i do believe we were immature when we got married, the wedding was rushed we got married a full yr and 1/2 before we planned to because he got an overseas assignment.
He meets most of my emotional needs.

He's helpful around the house and with the cars
He has a big heart
He listens, and communicates well in all areas except his feelings
He has as our marriage has gone on become more thoughtful
He is very affectionate, even while he has been deployed (cards letters, gifts, flowers a few times
He Provides financial support, everything is on a budget, we are able to save
He is very encouraging
He always makes time for us
To me my marriage is worth whatever the cost.

If WH is going to be in the military for yrs to come, I'd seriously consider divorce. You are both early 20s and I did not see mention of children. Military deployments are rough even on strong marriages. It will be extremely difficult for you to keep a healthy marriage together with all the dynamics in your case; long periods of separation, turning to his mother and "sister" (yeah having a thing for your sister...um ok) instead of his wife, moving out and dating, hiding things from you, etc. He sounds extremely immature.

I would not sign up for this sort of life. There are too many red flags here.

Um, am I the only one who feels like there just 'might' be more to the story of an affair on HER side? And I am not saying that there WAS an affair on your side, only two people know that. Just jumps out at me that he believed 'everyone else' instead of you. If he had come to these message boards at that time he would have been advised that you were likely having an affair and to snoop to find the truth. He would NOT have been advised to just trust your word on it. Why did everyone else think you were having an affair? Could you have been having an EA with this guy without realizing that was an affair? Why did you AFTER that go into full transparency, that tends to lead me to believe you were hiding things before that. And we all know people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, and vice versa.

I know that is 'old business' to you so to speak. But it has set a course of action in your marriage with regards to a lack of boundaries to people of the opposite sex. And IF there is still information about that situation you have not shared with him, and your marriage is already based on lies and deception, you cannot heal this marriage and find recovery.

IF there is more to tell about that situation, this is an anonymous board, and nobody here knows you. Might as well come clean about it and get advice based on all the facts.

The only thing i have ever kept from his was the way i felt about this "sister" which was that she needs to stay the hell out of our marriage. His mom, She needs to let go, and go find a friends or some besides her son to dote on. I have Guy friends, i have guys friends that i think of as family, but I have never had any romantic feeling for them. I just distrusted the way they were always telling him to divorce me and how he never should have married me to begin with. His mom has always thought that i still have a thing for my ex boyfriend, before we go here let me explain he was my first real boyfriend i was really young and really stupid. We have a 1 replay conversation 2 times a Year, I get an email on my birthday and on our anniversary(husbands and mine)I replay with thanks and then not talk to him. Husband does not like him. When all this first happened I went back to the states for 30 days to clear my head, I ran into my ex, broke down cried and he told me to come clean w/ H about how i felt about his friends and family, and to not Use it as grounds for an argument. my ex was my best friend, and was very dear to me, but he always cheated so he hit the curb. I never tried to hide anything from H all my passwords are in a notebook, my phone was always left around.
this "OM" sent me a sexual txt that he swear up and down was suppost to be for his wife." I have an apt this afternoon ur hubby is still at work and my wife is at work why don't we get together and have some fun" I only can remember it because i filed a sexual harassment complaint on him and had a no contact order put in place. I had had found the Txt b4 H then I would have told H and yelled at the "OM" and then do what i did about it anyway. H looked threw my phone at 5am and demanded to know what it was(GERMAN PREPAID phones can only hold so many incoming and out going messages it was an unread unseen message, that i didn't know existed.H used to txt me all the time then he switched to calling me when he was going to be late, and if i got called into work, it was a phone call no one ever txted me anymore.) I told him i had no idea and that I didn't know what that moron was talking about. I would never do anything to hurt H, He went to work talked it over w/ his friends (all 3 of whom were cheating, plus the guy that drove me home from work.) 3 of the for that i would do anything to cover my [censored], 4th stood up for me and said that He has watched me turn guys down left and right. H came home from work that day and sulked, next day started a 4 day weekend, which resulted in him moving out. We got into a fight, he wouldn't hear me out he went on the ground I know what I saw, and nothing you say or do can change the fact that you cheated on me.

Okay, so your husband did have a very real reason to suspect an affair, whether it happened or not.

You are both young, no children, neither of you seem to have proper boundaries around either sex, military deployments... disaster.

Here's the part where old NG types something that often raises the hackles of folks here who label me "abusive", and "overbearing". Oh, well...

When I read your list of Mr. BM's good points, do you know what I noticed was missing? You never said he was incredibly in love with you, as demonstrated by.....and..... Yes, it appears he is a good provider, and apparently has a decent memory to initiate notes and flowers on occasion, but where is the more intense demonstrations of his ardor?

This contributes to your current situation. I just read your story about the misdirected smarmy note, and your trip home to consult with your old boyfriend(?) when your current troubles started, and you know what? Since I don't love you, and haven't invested my devotion and future in you, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! That's a bit different than saying I believe you had an affair - it's just that I'm not willing to accept your story, because there's nothing tipping the balance to your side.

If you could get Mr. BM to agree to some phone counselling here, or even to start posting here so we could get him started thinking about what important to him, your situation might be recoverable.

A marriage (especially one in trouble) is a boat needing both parties pulling on the oar on their side. Absent one of them, the other soon finds herself going in circles.

He ain't currently interested in rowing.

No i never Went to consult an old boyfriend I was in our home town and my biological brother and him are still friends( didn't realize it at the time) and he showed up at my mom's house. I told my husband the moment i talked to him. The next day I went to the other side of the state, to go stay with my dad's ex-wife my step-mother. I flew to the west coast to see my mom before going the the east coast way from everyone but the rest of my family(dad,grandma). If i go anywhere with anyone I tell him, Other spouse come to the house i tell him, this not something new I started doing it when we moved here. Because Army spouses in a foreign country on a post that is closing down have nothing better than to start [censored].
His biggest act of love to date Was My dog, It is the only reason why i Have her now. We go on trips, Places i would love to see, just because I want to.

I gave him the website its up to him.I'd even had him my laptop and say here go post here tell them your side. I have nothing to hide from him. He likes to keep things bottled up and to himself. If you'll can get him talking about feeling and not cars or guns I'd be impressed.

First off I would like to thank you and your H for your service to our country.

Are any of these women he "skypes" married?

Please read this by Dr. Harley. Are Friends a Threat to your Marriage

The Harleys have a soft spot for military marriages. We have quite a bit of military marriages in the board right now. Military marriages have a strike against them from the get go. Because of the nights apart. This doesn't mean your doomed just a tougher hill to climb.

If you are serious about recovering your marriage I would contact the coaching center. Like others have pointed out you're both young and have no kids.

I can find some radio clips of Dr. Harley talking to a couple of military wives and their WH had affairs, if you'd like?

brainhurts: Yes please. I asked H about the couching he said that we would talk about it when he gets in at the beginning of next week. If they are who i think they are one is married and the other is in a relationship. I will know more when he gets here and i can snoop on his laptop.

I would call the coaching center anyway. They are fabulous in getting reluctant husbands on board.


Radio clip military couple she's the wayward
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Here's some more he's in the military 16+ years and has had an affair and they've been married 17 years with children.
Radio clip on military marriage
Segment #2
Segment #3

Its been 4 days And H is traveling to take leave. He switched his R&R location and didn't bother to mention it to me, there is a story behind how it happened( So.... you're going to be pissed.... but I found out why my leave form took so long to get to me. About a month ago I asked to change it for granpas memorial, and they said they couldnt. Well, I guess they did cuz my leave form says sarasota. Sorry... but i'm still in Kuwait. I'll try talking to you soon.) asked:SO where are they flying you to? Didn't you get your leave form before you went to Kuwait? What is going on? Do you want me to talk to the command?(got this back: Going to SRQ. Bout to get on the bus. Ill tell you more about it when i get to ATL. Dont call command). He got to kuwait and looked at his leave papers and then completely avoided Talking about it or seeing me.

I'm feeling completely hurt and betrayed. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I one hand I feel like walking away, on the other hand if i get some consideration when he gets to ATL then I'm willing drop everything and go just to see him, and get a chance to talk things over face to face.

Is your WH planning to be career military? If not, then how much longer is his service obligation?

He has till Feb 2014, No he hates the military and cannot wait till he can get out. He wants to be a mechanic when he leaves the service, was going to school for it till he stopped a little more than a year ago.

That is still a ways away. I don't see much hope here under those circumstances. Being separated for long periods of time is hard enough without all the other dynamics going on including this:


If your WH's friends are cheaters as well (sadly typical in military) just add that to the list of reasons why R would be even more difficult. Hanging around with such people influences your WH's thinking. Cheating does not bother your WH. Do you not see that this?

I hope you realize that the company you keep should also be more selective. Taking a ride home with a known active wayward (regardless of the reason) will make people question YOU..whether of not anything happened.

ETA: My ExWH is former military so I am familiar with the hardships. I really hope you think about what your life will be like for the next few years if you attempt R.

Ok let me clear this up the gentlemen that gave ma rides home was never married, He wasn't even in a relationship that i knew of. He just used to sit at the bar next to were i worked and take drunk solider's back to the barracks. He has a major operation to fix nerve damage, He stayed with H and I for the first week while the rest of the unit came back from the field. He had to be watched 24/7 and drove to the hospital everyday. H and I did it together, it brought us closer and things started to heal.