Suspect an affair when there are as many texts as your husband has had with his "mentor". Is he still texting her?

AM

What is going on?

T, have you sat down with him yet and scheduled 20+ hours per week? This train will never leave the station unless you do that.

Who defines whether or not a relationship with an OP is an EA?

Most people in an EA don't want to accept the concept of an EA...they think it is "okay" because it is not a PA.

If he is in an EA, he is going to avoid spending time with you.

I would suggest that you make sure you have eliminated Love Busters so time spent with you is pleasant time.

Then plan a date with him...the kids can watch the little one. Start building up more dates/UA time with him.

I don't see any texts or emails coming in from her anymore. That doesn't mean there couldn't be some other method he chooses to use that won't show up on the cell phone records. The only people he has texted the past few weeks is me, a woman in his office (he runs his own business and has 2 women and a man that work with him daily), and my two teenagers.

No we haven't. The day after the run, instead of trying to spend time with me, he went out and cleaned the garage. When I discussed this with him later that I was disappointed he chose the garage over spending time with me and he said that is a love buster. I'm pretty much over asking him to spend time with me. If he doesn't want to, then what? So I put on my bikini, cleaned the pool, poured myself a margarita, and then layed in the sun. After all the work I did the day before, I thought a little R & R was good for me.

Well here's the thing. I have been doing this sort of thing our entire relationship. At some point I want to be his priority. I am last.

He schedules himself such that we can't spend time together. Monday he worked until 6:30 pm and then went to scouts until 9 pm and then was tired. Tuesday I took my daughter to an event and left as soon as he came home (which was 30 minutes late from work), today he is doing scouts again. By the time he gets home he will be tired and won't want to talk and will want to watch tv. To be honest talking with him is unpleasant for me as I am disconnected from him, so I don't force the issue of talking. I just don't feel comfortable talking to someone who doesn't want to hear me and seems disinterested, is checking his phone or literally walks out of the room while I'm talking. Is this just totally hopeless? I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

I just wanted to thank you all that have been helping me along. I have been reading the boards a lot and am amazed at your wisdom and how much you all help everyone!

DH met with the scoutmasters Wednesday night and is trying to exit from most of the campouts and just be the coordinator of the camp outs. That will be nice. The same three dads go to every single camp out which is one weekend a month, so he is actually trying to unhook the other two also, so they can be with their wives, too. Maybe make it a policy of the troop that all the weight doesn't fall on the three of them. I hope they can do it.

We are working harder to spend more time together. This is helping a lot, which I knew it would, but he wouldn't see the value, so I am Plan A-ing him as much as possible and rewarding him for spending time with me by eliminating LB and really trying to hit his top needs of SF and Admiration when he takes the time to just talk and show affection. It is very easy to meet those needs when he actually gives me his time and we enjoy Conversation together.

Our biggest hurdle is POJA. I have always let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he is having a hard time having to think about an agreement with me or how his activities make me feel. But I am also guilty of telling him it is ok when it really bothers me because I'm making another sacrifice. I have to resist that, which has been hard for me. I always believed in unconditional love and have been reading on MB about how this is faulty thinking and sets a relationship up for trouble. I'm just so glad we found MB and can work through these issues.

I am also glad I put a stop to his relationship with the other woman before it went too far. I see on the Recovery board how quickly things can go from an opposite sex "friend" to an EA and then a PA and it just scares me to think they were headed down that pathway. From the texts that I read she was definitely in and EA with him, he just wasn't quite there yet (or so he says). So sad. One question I have that maybe would be for the AR board is how to you let go of that?

The thing is, this was going on when I was hospitalized after an outpatient surgery went wrong and I almost died. I needed a second surgery to stop the bleeding, then two transfusions and all the while she was texting him and asking him how he was doing. Also, the Friday before the surgery, I read a text that he had deleted with her but I recovered from jailbreaking his phone that read, "Yeah. Fine. Too much on mind and not enough alcohol." And she said, "Teehee, get a drink on". I was not home this night. He deleted all these texts from his phone as they were not on there when I first discovered this relationship. The way I discovered the relationship was that he went to sleep after midnight and I stayed up with his brother and sis in law and my teens. We were visiting his brother's family for New Year's. When I came up to our room at 12:45 am, he was sound asleep but his cell phone was pinging a text came in. I read it from her, wishing him a happy new year. Well at that point I went back and read all the text history and it only went back to November, but my surgery was in November and those that went on when i was in the hospital were not there. Yet he says he never deleted anything and never felt anything more than a close friendship with her (a friendship that he never told me about). So anyway, how do I get over this when I don't believe him? And where do I go from here. As of now, I'm just stuffing these questions and this doubt down. Just unsure how to move on from this.

Thanks,
TinT

Is the OW married? If she is her BH needs to know about there EA.

You need to snoop to verify if NC is really NC. He needs to write her A NC letter.
NC letter samples

I would hit notify and have the MODS move this to the SAA board.

Okay I hit notify and asked it to be moved.

Because he was paying her to be his mentor, he wrote her an email, which I approved, that asked her to stop using text to contact him and only contact him via work email or work phone. She never replied to that email and she has never texted him again. About 3 weeks later, she dropped out of the program that she was associated with and moved to another program. She never told him she was stopping his mentorship. She just ended it. I told him if he received any emails or contact from her, he is to tell me. I saw that an email came in about a week ago that appears to be a mass send out to all the associates of the company inviting them to participate in another type business building program. He never told me about this emal. It is "harmless" but the fact that he didn't tell me he got this "harmless" email still makes me unhappy as it is not what he agreed to do.

Do you think at this point I should reveal this to her husband? Yes they have been married 8 years as I found their marriage certificate online and have his name. I also have their home address, but they live in a city 5 hours away and she travels. Any ideas how to find a person's email address? I can't find it online. But why now? It appears to have ended and my husband claims to this day that he never felt anything more than friendship with her.

I just don't want to LB him by continuing to bring this up. Help!

Oh yes her BH needs to be told here Exposure 101

Why now? Because her BH needs to know what she was lying about his life and marriage.

Of course he told he didn't feel anything for her to spare your feelings.

Also check this out Operation Investigate to find out her info.

He wasn't O&H about that email and that should be a
Do you have her BH phone number to call him?

If you have his name and city, Facebook is your best bet for electronic communication. You should also be able to get a phone number with the same info. 5 minutes should get you an open door to contact him and let him know what went on.

hi TinT. i had a similar problem to yours, particularly the IB. my H had also been doing what he wanted when he wanted for years. without MB, i didn't realise how much danger this put our relationship in, as i was also benefiting from the IB with my own IB. what wasn't benefiting was our marriage! my H also ended up in a texting sitch where he was getting ENs met from someone else (admiration). during this time, we were also counselling with SH! felt like hitting my head on a brick wall.

i had to take the radical step of plan b (after plan a). the result was a H with a completely different mind set. losing me and the M had the effect of electro-shock therapy! like your H, he thought i would never leave; consequently, he simply carried on w/the behaviour (my H also thought chores were UA time - grrr, how unsatisfying!). also, putting him out, rather than me leaving, supported the idea of "this is life without our marriage." he had to be the one who was uncomfortable, you know what i mean?

if your H is not putting you, his beloved wife, ahead of everything else, you may also need to do this. it is, at least, something you should read/think about.

Thanks for the replies. I approached H about the email and he said that since it was to a group of people and not just him that he didn't see that he needed to tell me about it. I told him that when I was scrolling through his email and saw her name that there was a bit of panic that I felt since he hadn't told me about the email and because I saw her name. I literally stuck to just casually expressing my feelings (big step for me) and keeping it calm. He said the above and then said, "you have no reason to feel panic because I have never had and affair with her or any other woman." I told him that wasn't true. That what he did was an EA. he still holds fast that he had no feelings for her so I wasn't an affair. Well he was flirting, he shared stuff about me and our family, and he got his admiration need fulfilled and also stopped talking to me at all during the time he was in contact with her. I think that makes it an EA.

Well excuse me, but I wanted validation, not him repeating again that he never had an affair. Wish he would have given me some validation. Since he didn't, ie decided to secretly ramp up my investigation of him. Until I get more info, I am going to hold off on more exposure so I won't trickle expose. I can't do anything until Monday because he's actuall going to spend time with me!

Thanks,
TinT

But...if SF (sexual fulfillment) is a top need for BOTH of you, why are you only engaging in it every few weeks? Why aren't you making time for this daily, or at least every other day? It doesn't make sense to withhold a top EN like this.

I agree. I am trying to plan A him. Meet his EN fully and avoid LB. We have enjoyed SF three times this week. Things are going well at the moment although we have been laying sod all day while trying to entertain 3 kids as well, which is hard work and not fun. But we are really doing better at POJA regarding some of the projects when normally he would just do his own thing and I would either be left out or try to help and do it "wrong". So all of that has been nice today. Now if we could just get a date tonight!

Thanks so much!

I decided to have a discussion with my husband about limitations we should practice with persons of the opposite sex. I discussed with him that I feel that we should really limit texting with people of the opposite sex to avoid what happened to him this past year. H has his own office with two women and a man working for him. One of the women who work for him is high energy and chatty and I noticed when he was interested in hiring her last year he also texted with her in an overly friendly way. He says it is okay for him to text her because (unlike the other woman who i didn't know) I know her. Well after reading the boards I know that even if I know her, there could still be a risk, especially if he claims he has no idea how the other relationship turned inappropriate. I told him that he has a boundary issue with these women and that we need to agree on some rules to put into place to prevent what happened before. He seemed very irriated by this and didn't say much at all. Then he changed the subject.

What are some normal limits that people have in their marriages to protect them from EAs or PAs? Like I said a few a weeks ago, I used to give him unlimited freedom to talk with and lunch with whoever he liked. I never knew what he did or where he was while he was away at work and he's pretty much always owned his own business. (How stupid am I?) I just want to be sure I'm not seeming to be contolling and wonder what would be considered reasonable limits.

Thanks,
TinT

PS. I'm going shopping for a VAR for his car today

Both of you should not be texting anyone of the opposite sex unless it's a blood relative.

Have you read this by Dr. Harley? Are Friends A Threat to your marriage

Boundaries and EP's should include " no opposite sex .....anything"

I would be very Leary of him texting other women.

Please listen to this radio clip on opposite sex friendships.
Radio clip on opposite sex friendships

Well guess what! Joyce called me and I'll be on the radio show today! So nervous but so excited for some expert insight!