I am divorced/remarried. I can see how many of the problems in my 1st marriage were my fault (independent behaviours, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments... and an affair right at the end).

I am repentant - at least, I hope I am. My ex-husband was hurt by the way I treated him, and his family was hurt too. I am truly sorry - at the time I wasn't sorry, but I am now. This has been building for some years now: I started with only self-pity but gradually grew to an understanding of how much pain he must have suffered.

I think I would like to apologize: it's way too late for any sort of reconciliation, and we have no contact at all, but I would still like to offer an apology. I'm afraid of my own motives, though. What if I just want to apologize to make myself feel better? What if I want him to forgive me so I can feel better? That's not the motive I want to have. I would like an apology to be entirely non-self-serving. Is this even possible?

Also, I would not want to wound him by apologizing. If he's happy, and has forgotten (mostly), then I would not want to dredge up painful memories. and I don't want to expect anything.

I just want to say that I am sorry, and not demand anything, like forgiveness.

Should I do this?
I appreciate any advice - tough or not.
Thanks.

Welcome to MB.
If an apology is true how can you go wrong? Do you have children with your ex? Then they deserve an apology too.

Did you marry your affair partner?

Post it here first so we can see if it's truly sincere.

Hi - wow thank you so much for replying so fast!

We have no children.

I did marry my affair partner *ducks and covers head*

You mean I should post the letter draft here? If that's what you mean, I'll draft something today!
Thank you so much.

PS - I have been a LURKER. This is my 1st post. Thank you,

Yes draft and post the letter here.

Do you know Dr. Harley's position on affairages? Listen to this Radio clips on affairages

Has your BXH remarried?

Also you can email the radio show. Excellent resource.
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

"affairages..." yes, I read one of the MB articles about that: Dr Harley doesn't see much hope. I have not listened to the radio clips yet.

I don't actually know whether he has remarried: I hope so, he once said he would like to. We have had zero contact for a couple of years though.

I do know that he has moved to another continent, however, for a very good career opportunity: his parents occasionally talk to my grandmother on the phone.

I do also know that he was dating a bit while still living here (acquaintances told me.

I would hit notify and move this to the SAA forum you'll get a lot more traffic and responses.

hmm - ok, done. Thanks.

I guess while I wait and see whether my threat will be moved, I will post by first draft... if there is anyone who could comment, I would appreciate it.

Dear (name deleted),
First, thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
I write to apologize, unconditionally, for having treated you badly during our marriage. I�m very sorry for having caused you pain, and for having hurt and distressed your family as well. Looking back, I can see how I pursued my own interests to the detriment of our marriage, and failed to consider your needs and feelings in many ways.
There are several specific incidents which I would like to apologize for:
� shouting and yelling at you
� neglecting you and not coming home until late (especially when you were already feeling bad about our impending separation),
� spending more time with friends than with you (poor friendships which, by the way, have long since petered out),
� accusing you of crazy things like throwing away my belongings (I now know you never did this!)
� engaging in independent behaviours that ultimately caused our separation
� but mostly, for disrespecting you by carrying on a relationship with another man.
You are justified in any anger you might have felt toward me, because of these things, and I want to offer my apology for them.
Thank you for reading,
(Me)

MTL. I really like what you wrote.

But in all honesty...why? I think I (a BS myself) would just regard it as self-serving and toss it away. Especially since you are still married to the OM.

Leave BXH alone. Just my opinion.

Pokerface - thanks for that.

I was asking myself the same question, actually.

Your perspective is really valuable - you would regard it as self-serving, having been betrayed yourself.

That's exactly what I don't want to do - send an apology that would be self-serving. And if the only result is annoyance or worse, pain, to my ex-husband, but I'd get to say to myself "look at me, I did the right thing", then i guess it would only be self-serving and nothing but.

I will have to think about it though - I keep feeling like an apology is called for, somehow... is indeed a right thing to do, after causing pain...

i don't know... I don't know how it can help him, actually. Probably it wouldn't, at all.

I just ask myself - what's an apology for? Where there remains a relationship to sustain or mend, I see the need for an apology.

But where there is no longer a relationship, does that mean that no apology for past wrongs should be made? I don't know...

a couple of years ago, just as the divorce was finalizing, we did have a face-to-face chat about "what went wrong," and I admitted my affair to him, with an apology. He seemed pretty philosophical about it, and we parted amicably. But still... this was just verbal, not written apology.

Still though - maybe that was enough, and as you say Pokerface, I should just leave it be...
Thanks,

So if you already apologized in person and told him about the affair why do it again?

Was your first apology not sincere?

Are you having doubts because you married your affair partner? Was your affair partner married at the time also? Did he have kids?

Do you wish you would have stayed and worked on your M?

MTL this will sound harsh...the "right" thing to do is to divorce yourself from the person who helped you to destroy XBH life and start to live your life as an upstanding woman with values and morals.

Then you can apologize and it may mean something to XBH.

Good questions all.
No, my first apology was sincere. But i always felt a written one would carry more weight. But maybe that 1st one was enough.

My affair partner was not married - 9 years divorced. His son (grown) lives fully across the continent: they do keep in touch, though.

Am I having doubts... what I am having doubts about is whether it's possible to be repentant and not formally apologise.

Do I wish I would have stayed etc... sorry for the indirect answer: I am sorry for having hurt him. At the time I had little insight into how my behaviour would make him feel, but looking back I am very very sorry for having put him through that.

You ask good questions. I start to think an apology letter would be just a self-indulgent exercise.

well, since I am not going to do that, perhaps you are right about the letter being pointless.

I'll think about it some more but... having heard your perspectives I am tending to agree with you to just leave it be.
Thank you,

I would still email Dr. Harley. It would be nice to get his take on it.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.