HerPapaBear,
We went through our EN's last night together. She is looking for conversation, family support, affection, and recreational activities.

Yes I do know what Dr. Harley's love bank concept is.

I have not read any of Dr. Harley's books. I am trying to read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald. I hate reading but I am trying to get through this book.

We went through the EN's questionnaire. We did it based on our relationship before the affair started. Then we ranked how things have been the last two months. It really helped us see where we were lacking before and how things have changed since the affair ended. It just shows how things can improve when we focus on each other and meeting each others EN's needs.

Have you phoned the coaching center? They can help you with everything.

BrainHurts,
I have meet almost all of my wifes requirements on her list. The only one that I haven't done is to apologize to her family. Witch is something I don't believe I will ever do because of their involvement and continued interferance and disrespect to my wife.
We go to marraige counceling weekly. This week we filled out the emotional needs questionnaire and it was a great learning experiance I think for both of us. We had a good time doing it.
We have been spending as much time as possible with each other and when ever she has questions about anything that has happened I answer her 100 percent honestly and we discuss it.
We talk or text constantly through out the day. Witch is something we haven't done in probably 4-5 years.

I have not called the coaching center or wrote the radio show. I have not read SAA. I take it thats a book by Dr.Harvey.

I am reading How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J. MacDonald.

No I have not called the coaching center. We are going to sit down and look at purchasing some of the work books this evening. Any recommendations? Have you used any of these tools?

Any feedback would be appreciated.

THANKS,
KISS

The books are all great.

The BEST thing you can do is call the coaching center, and get the online course. Even calling the coaching center once will benefit you immensely.

It's a huge red flag to me that you have chosen NOT to apologize to your In-Laws. If your BW asks this of you, you should be doing EVERYTHING you can to get this done. I thought that calling the Harleys was also a requirement.

Have you changed your email addresses and phone numbers?

My kids say the same thing all the time. "I shouldn't have to apologize - my sister hit me first!" "Well, I shouldn't have to apologize either - my brother hit me harder, and more times, too!" I expect them to eventually grow out of that lame excuse, and I hope you will, too.

You can't apologize for your IL's behavior.

You need to apologize for your own.

Very. Well. Said.

I heard that verbatim this morning from our oldest.

If your wife made this apology one of HER requirements, aren't YOU being DISRESPECTFUL by refusing?

You're not making sense.
If respect for your wife is high on your priorities for recovery, then you are a huge hypocrite when you ignore/refuse to apologize to her parents. Stop disrespecting your wife.
Plus, you are flat out wrong

kiss,

What is your excuse for not calling the coaching center?

Apologizing to your in-laws?

A truly repentant spouse does WHATEVER it takes.

Actions speak louder than words!!!

Shame on you kiss.

Kiss,

I have been begging my H to let me apologize to his parents faces. Even though my mother in law has said and done some horrible things to me in front of my children.

This rift is hurting your wife and your family. Be the bigger person and apologize. It's time to start healing your family. I say apologize but ask for respect in that they stay out of your families business and allow you to heal.

fifteenyears,

I took a lot of abuse and bad mouthing from my mother in law. One night I went to my house to see my kids. She was verbally bashing me in front of my kids and won't let them see me they were standing their crying and scared. After a good twenty minutes of not saying anything back I told her how negative she was always bashing people.

Then one day I went to the house where my wife is staying and she was there again. She came out raging. While I was trying to talk to my wife she kept yelling how she was going to call the cops. Then she was on the phone with someone just standing there talking crap constantly.

I have moved on and have no cares about what she thinks of me. I have no need for her to be part of my life. It doesn't bother me one bit.

She will randomly text my wife bashing her and making her feel like crap. I want my wife to have a relationship with her family. I believe that that should be the most importnt thing. Instead of getting support from her mother she continues to get shots regularly.

She received an email from her mother a couple of days ago saying that I better not waste my time trying to appologize that the family is not interested. I feel that if I made an attempt to talk to them it would be very ugly and make the situation worse.

My wife is suffering due to all the hate emails and text messages. My wifes birthday is Tuesday and she was supposed to go to her parents for Birthday cake. Due to that email she received she doesn't want to go. It really sucks I want to help my wife through this but I feel that if I tried to talk to them I know it will not go well. I believe that my mother in law is trying to make my wife decide between us. I feel that is such a sh***y thing to due. She has no idea what she is putting her daughter through. I hope she can take a step back and look at what she is doing and the pain she is causing!!!
Thats what helped me see the wrong I was doing.

THANKS,
KISS

So even though it's what your wife wants?

Let's see what Dr. Harley says because she will be on the show today.

You REALLY don't know what you're doing, do you?

"You are ALWAYS bashing people."
A pretty piss-poor and inflammatory response.
An unnecessary and counter-productive response.
You may think calling MIL on her faults gave you the upper hand, but I assure you, it did zero to improve YOUR life.
It did zero to demonstrate adult coping skills to your children.

You need to learn some things.

How might you otherwise respond to an out-of-control adult person?
By taking yourself out of the game.

"I can see how my being here is upsetting you.
I will go now. I hope you feel calmer soon. Take care."


You lack ninja-people skills when you are feeling under attack.
That is something I recommend you deliberately work on.

Pepperband,

So I should have just stould there and let her bash me in front of my kids and let her yell and torcher my hids!!!!!! I should have just stood there and smiled. As I was locked outside my house with my kids screaming and crying to see me!!!!! U must not have kids or feeling because that crushed me.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND GREAT FEEDBACK.

KISS

Kiss, have you called the coaching center yet?

I suggest you read what Pep has just posted to you and analyze it. Read it a few times. See where you can correct something about yourself.

Also, instead of worrying about how your MIL will react to your apology, just do it because it's the right thing to do.

No, Pep didn't suggest you just stand there and take it. She suggested that you calmly remove yourself from the situation to help your kids. How is staying, and engaging a raging adult helping remove the drama in your children's lives?

Brainhurts,
Just wanted to let you know that I just booked an appointment with Steve Harley for Tuesday at 10:30 AM.

Thanks for your constant helP. It is so appreciated

KISS

Now this makes me hopeful.