My husband and I have been married for 30 years. At age 25 I was told I had endometreois(sp). Very painful and made sex very painful. It made our lives hell. Hubby started cheating. I felt horrible cuz I could not satisfy my husband. He said he had needs. 9 years ago his girlfriend called. We semi worked thru that. Now we had another major blowup tonite. He says that I do not take care of his needs, and I say that he does not take care of mine. We had a 4 hour fight by text message. Which was really not that bad. Hubby has a really bad temper and if it had been in person it would have probably gotten out of hand. I got to say some things that I would not have been able to his face. Anyway, basicly, he is not taking any responibility for cheating-at least he is not telling me. He knows he is wrong, but he is the type that he will not admit to being wrong. So, here I am. I know that love him. And believe it or not, he still loves me. I really doubted that fact until March. Something very profound happened and our lives, I was in a car accident. By rights, I should be dead. But, i walked out without a scratch. I watched him, his reaction when he got there. I have heard him tell others about it and seen his tears. I know he loves me. So, what do I do? How can I fix this mess?

Welcome and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

Have you read Dr.Harley's Basic Concepts A Summary Basic Concepts

Is he still seeing his OW? Is she married?

You need to expose loud and proud. Exposure 101

Do your fights get physical? Do either of you drink?

Do you have kids? Are you not having SF at all?

Thank you BH. Yes I have read the Basic Concepts.
No he is not with OW. It seems that he had had 2 affairs with her, 1 earlier in our marriage and then the last 1 abt 10 years ago. Actually he had broken up with her when she called me. She has since passed away. Hubby does drink and he does have anger issues. He does become violent sometimes, but has never touched me. He really has alot of rage built up. And that is something that I am going to have to help him work thru. Thanks to the texting last night, he actually said some very revealing things that he otherwise would not have vocalized. Regretfully we have no children. Thanks to the endo and painful sex we did not have children. That is a very touchy and painful subject for me. I wanted children very badly, and I resent that I was never given the opportunity to have any.

Now that I know my husband really does love me, I am going to try to make this marriage work. I just don't know how yet.

I would welcome any comments, good or bad. Any suggestions. Anything at this time.

Thank you for your help.

Is he an alcoholic? Do you drink?

What anger management program is he in?

Listen yo these radio clips from Dr. Harley Anger Management 101

You need to change the conditions that allowed his affairs. Has he done this? Complete transparency. Can he account for all his time always?

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair? How about Lovebusters?

I'm very sorry you're here.

Number 1 - You're going to have to convince him, and be comfortable that you are certain he agrees, that, in spite of your physical SF limitations, he is not licensed to satisfy those needs outside of your marriage. You seem sure that he loves you. Part of loving you is loving you as you are.

Part of your new "exclusive SF paradigm" is likely to involve some sort of accommodations on your part for his normal human need for the physical benefits and joys of SF.

Number 2 - Despite what we males occasionally opine, SF is not the be-all-and-end-all of the EN continuum. You and he should download the EN Questionnaires from this site, complete them and discuss each other's results. Your goal is to be each other's sole supplier of those ENs. You'll do better if you clearly know which ones are most important to the other.

Lost, how will you meet his needs in the future? In order to have a happy, fulfilling marriage, you have to meet each other's emotional needs.

I believe Dr. Harley addresses painful sex in one of the articals within this site. Look for it.

I have found bad habits in marriage to be like bad habits anywhere else. They become the norm unless acted upon. For 30 years, you and your husband maintain some pretty bad habits so its a good time to change them considering the life altering event of March.

Sieze this opportunity to lay out your EN and his EN as suggested by the books and teachings. And there are scads of marriage improving tips, concepts, and lessons that can make your marriage great.

Maybe your accident can be like my wifes dday where our marriage become something worth being in after it happened. Maybe a catastrophy is what is required before things can become great.

Good luck.

This may help you by Dr. Harley.
How to overcome Sexual Aversion

What are his top EN?

OK. You guys have tough questions. But thats OK. That's what I need right now. You are making me think about things that I wouldn't.

Hubby is not in anger management. I do not consider him an alcoholic but he does drink to much. Conditions for the affair-that would be the endometriois. I had a hysterectomy several years ago, so the pain is gone. Mike you are correct, old habits are going to be hard to break. For both of us. I have a feeling that the old habits are going to be harder for him to break. IF he wants to. There is the chance that he enjoys what he has been doing and will not stop. Me, I have to stop being resentful that he has chosen the direction he went instead of trying to be faithful to me and help me thru my ordeal. But if you ask him, I have pushed him away on purpose. He does not want to understand how I felt about trying to have sex with him after he has been with who knows how many other women. I don't think I have an aversion to sex. The fact that it was so painful was the problem. And hubby was never rough or demanding. I think that has been part of our problem. He is so non pushy when it comes to asking for sex. Sometimes its so subtle, its hard to tell thats what he wants.

I think my accident has made me realize that life is short and that I need to try to make things better. I look at everything in a different way now.

Just not sure how to go about getting things right. I know we will have to talk, but how much he will talk is the question. He will not discuss anything. Thats why I was so glad last night that we were texting. He had to actually read what I wanted him to hear. He couldn't yell over me where I couldn't get a word in. And he had to type in what he wanted to say instead of yelling at me. Some of his statements, tho angry, really showed me what some of his feelings, and his insecurities are.

Thank you for listening.

The reason posters are asking about your husband's alcohol use is because the Plans here don't have a chance as long as there is alcohol in the picture. Marital recovery has no chance with that obstacle.

Lost,

Boundaries for my excessive drinking have done wonders for my life and my marriage. Alcoholism runs deep on both sides of my family. Though I am not an alcoholic, flirting with the destruction of my life with excessive drinking never effected me until I came dangerously close to losing it all.

- If I drink I do it in the presence of my DW.
- I don't drink while traveling without my DW.
- I limit my drinks to 2.

My goal to honor my DW with my new lifestyle is eased with the boundaries above and many, many, more.

Don't give up!

Lost, this marriage is going to require a major overhaul like the others pointed out. But it can be done if you are both seriously committed to turning it around. It will not take long either. It takes a change of habits.

If your husband drinks too much he would be considered a problem drinker. Would he be willing to stop drinking? And would he be willing to take anger management classes?


More than that, it is clear that your husband has poor boundaries around women. If your H was not getting his needs in his marriage, he should have been more diligent, not less diligent. So we know that one of the conditions that led to his affair are his poor boundaries around women. Others might be a secret second life that enables an affair, such as hidden cell phone records, emails, password protected computer, separate bank accounts. These are all things you would need to look at.


It is hard to break old habits but it can be done. You might want to consider signing up for the MB program and letting a coach and Dr Harley motivate and guide him.


You won't feel so resentful if he gives you just compensation and takes all the right steps to earn your forgiveness and recover your marriage.


I am unclear on this part. Is he a serial cheater? How many affairs has he had and with whom?

Does your husband have a secret second life? How has he managed to carry on these affairs? Do you spy on him?