Ok,this is going to be a long one because Im about to cover a life history here...Thanks so much in advance for reading and know I SO appreciate any advice I can get!!
I have been married to my husband for 23 years. When we got married,we were both only 19. He was in the Military. When he came back for us to be married,I asked him if he ever cheated on me while living in NC. I kind of knew it would be hard for a young man to be in situations like that and not be sexual. I asked him point blank if he cheated on me while we were apart. He SWORE he was not...that he was tempted,but he was not! I married him believing him. I know I should have known better,but I was SO young and naive. No one talked to me about the realities of life.

We never made love on our wedding night. He stayed up and watched tv. Now I know why...he was actually having sex with a woman in NC on a regular basis. Like three days before he married me. Maybe he stayed away the first night because of guilt? Feeling guilty for me or for her,I dont know...This makes me ill to think about him promising to love me and be faithful to me,to honor me when he was lying through his mouth. From his lips only. His heart was not in the vows. I was not a virgin on our wedding night,but he is the only man I had ever been with. Twice before we had been sexual. Only after he asked me to be his wife,because he knew I was very careful in how I was. He knew I was VERY careful in who I let get close to my heart anyways,so my body was something I held in high regard not to just be used by another.

Two weeks into our marriage,I break out with herpes. He had contracted it from the woman he says is the only other person he had been with. I knew then he had lied to me,and if I had the money to get a bus ticket,I would have left him. Then I thought-I have herpes...who wants a diseased woman? He has it too so maybe I should just try to be with him. He says he loves me and I love him so deeply. So I stayed. I didnt know the herpes was a precurser to a life of emotional pain,betrayl and dishonor.

Years later,after our daughter was born,he came down with cancer. Hodgkins lymphoma. Though he was very sick and never felt well,I knew my position as his wife was to be the strong one and help him get well. There were times I was lonely,ofcourse,but his health was far more important than my needs,so I let that all go. In sickness and in health. I honored my vows because him living overrode ANY 'need' I had.

Over the course of the relationship,so many times I would talk to him about feeling lonely,about missing the closeness with him. I dont know HOW many times I had talked to him about how neglected,rejected and ignored he made me feel. So many times over the course of the years,he would go into our office and neglect me,ignore me,avoid me. I knew something was wrong. When I would go by the room and speak to him,he would look at me with pure contempt and almost as though he hated the ground I was walking on. When I would go in and put my arm around him him and kiss him on the head or cheek,just TRYING to be close,he would sigh and slowly reach up and touch me. God! he spent so many hours in there away from me.

When he was in the living area with me,he would stay in his recliner and still keep that distance from me,and pretend to watch tv until he finally fell asleep. I knew once that happened,there was no chance of intimacy of any kind. He never rejected me when I would go to him sexually,but he went for years and never approached me. I was always the one who initated,or it would not happen,and it was always strictly sex,not love making.

Through around Christmas last year and the first part of this year, we were being closer than I feel we had been in our marriage. He was coming into the kitchen and cooking with me,-something he never had done before-showing me he just wanted to be around me,he would just grab me and kiss me and hug me for no reason at all,our love life was more passionate than I can remember in years and years, if ever to that point before,except for one time,years ago,and I felt we were closer than ever before! He was finally coming to me,wanting to have sex with me,instead of me being the one to have to approach him.

While we were being close like that,in Feb,not long after Valentines day,I found evidence of him going to FB and looking at a young woman, a co worker,who, by the way is 27---- we are 43-We have a daughter age 19-I confronted him. (for clarification,I had found a recipe earlier that month and went back through the history to find the page - He had forgot to clear the history of where he had been to her page several times)In what I thought was our closest times,he was secretly lusting after another woman with me no more than five feet away from him in the same room! When I asked him about it,he sat on our bed,looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me when I asked him why he went to her pages several times over the course of 3 or 4 days.

He had at one point months earlier gone on a weeks training and she was also one of the co workers who had to go. I believe he did not hooked up with her. More on why later. He said he was just curious because had heard things about her and just went and looked. He had actually mentioned things he had heard about her to me...Things like she was easy to 'hook up with',gave many men there oral sex,and it didnt matter if they were married or not. She is married,but that did not stop her. I KNEW he was lying. I asked him if he found her attractive-like I didnt already know! He outright lied again and told me no,that he just couldnt understand how she could have all those pictures of her family on there looking so happy and be the way she was. When I asked him if he was telling me the truth,I wanted to see if he was going to continue to lie. He did,and I just said ok...and walked away. I knew right then he did not care for me,that he was choosing to lie to me and that I was never going to be important to him and never would be worthy of the truth from him. That shifted something in my heart that day.

After having a blow out a few nights later about that, he told me -actually,I had to ask him about it several times before he finally told about an affair he had about 15 years ago. I kind of knew something was off,but had my head so buried in myself I did not believe it was happening at the time. I had COMPLETE trust and faith that he was in love with me and would protect my heart with everything in him. He had came home one evening and we had a huge fight. It got to the point I yelled "what! you dont love me anymore?!" and he yelled back, "I DONT KNOW!" From there he told me he wanted out of the marriage. Days and days went by with us barely speaking.

Eventually,he started acting like he loved me so I thought we were just going through a very bad time,and I took him at his word and believed he loved me. In reality,he was having an emotional affair with a woman who worked at the company who coded work out. A dispatcher. He carried this on,for what he says was about 1/2 year. I have no way of knowing if it was longer. I do know she made a huge deal of coming up to him at the Xmas party and that he put me in a situation where I was humiliated because all the co workers knew about them,though I did not. I just noticed the way everyone at our table looked like they were holding their breath waiting for something to go down. That night,on the way home,I asked him about her and why she would do that. He denied that anything happened between them. He out right lied to me.

At the time he was having the affair and came and said he wanted out of our marriage, I was getting sick with fibromyalgia. I was always tired and weak. I was working 45 hours a week,and doing my best to take care of our daughter who was around 7 at the time,still forcing myself to wash the clothes and cook dinner,then feeling like a zombie all the time, and I guess he didnt like feeling neglected,but instead of telling ME he was feeling that way,he goes to a different woman,made a relationship with her,and allowed her to enter his heart over me and fell deeply in love with her...not the person who had shown him love during his illness,during his cancer. Not the person who forgave him for bringing a disease she would have to deal with for the rest of her life. No,I just wasnt paying attention because I was being lazy and neglecting him. I dont care that we didnt know I had fibro,he knew SOMETHING was wrong with me,but didnt even care to come talk to me or be faithful like I had for him. Just take care of his selfish want for making himself feel good,thats what he did. Forget that I was loving him while fighting off something going on in my body that I didnt know what was happening.

I remember one night during the time of his affair, after our blow out and after he told me he wanted out,probably months later,he came to me and he made very passionate love to me. He told me he loved me. That night sticks out in my mind because he had never before nor after that time been passionate with me like he was that night. Hell,he hardly ever made love to me at all,so that much passion,a woman definetly remembers. Once all the info came out,I realized he was imagining I was her. He told me he imagined I was her,after me forcing him to acknowledge it. I asked him if he had been sexual with her,and he said NO! Then I said oh,you just used my body while imagining you were with her. He started crying and just shook his head yes. The love and passion he showed me wasnt for me at all. I will never get over knowing he showed me how much he was in love with her. The passion he was feeling was for her,and he showed me just how deeply he felt it for her. How much in love he was with her. And as I said,he never showed me he wanted me that way and never showed me that kind of passion in the years before or after that one time. I had so many times,told him I needed him to show me passion like that again if he loved me. It never happened. How could it happen? He never has loved me in that way he loved and what he felt for her! I would MUCH rather he would have just went and had sex-made love to her than show me how much he was in love with her. At least I wouldnt know how much he loved her.

I will NEVER forget the way he moved,touched me,kissed me,held me-the way he moved in and out of me that night. Not in the whole time we have been married,has he EVER shown me that kind of passion. Before or after this. He showed me how much he wished he was with her. Wished I was her that night. I dont know how to get past that or if I ever can.

The night we had the biggest talk of our lives,I had to drag every piece of info I got from him. It was like pulling teeth with tweezers. I had to bring up every thing and he danced around the subject. He called the talks he had with the EA as 'chit chat'. It took about 30 minutes of talking for him to finally admit it was an affair. I would have to ask questions or state something,and he would 'answer' by his reaction of crying or nodding yes or no. 'Chit Chat' went to a full blown emotional affair.

I didnt know it over the years,but after reading and researching for any info to help me deal with what I am going through,I realize I was completely in a one sided relationship. I refuse to call it a marriage any longer. He never has loved me with his whole heart as I have completely loved him,openly and honestly. That night,I made a decision that I would leave him as soon as our daughter got a place and was settled. I was just going to leave without telling him goodbye,or anything. I would just be gone when he came home from work. I knew he could never love me as I have loved him. Never had. You dont treat someone you love deeply in such ways to hurt them over and over. You dont betray and dishonor a person you love.

He has told me things over the past month and a half,things I NEVER had heard in the 23 years I lived with him. Things about his childhood,things about how he felt about me. I lived with a stranger and did not know it! Things he had kept inside. Buried and he said he felt those were things NO ONE should ever have access to. That he could never let me know who he was,because he was 'afraid' I would judge him and not love him and leave him. He SURELY had to know,through all I have been through with him,the person I am,that I would not judge him for things out of his control that happened as a child. To me,that sounds like such a pile!

Maybe because I am not a man,maybe because I am more open about my feelings and with my heart. Still,those things have no bearing on the choices he made over the course of our relationship. Selfish and hurtful decisions he made. The decisions he made everyday to continue the affair. The decisions to go lust for another woman. The decisions to continue to lie to me by omission every day for at least 15 years.
He told me that when we got married,he did not take the vows as serious as they were meant to be taken. He just knew he wanted me 'in his life'. That he couldnt wait to come back and have me be with him. Our wedding costs about $25 for us,because it was basically thrown together. Over the years I didnt care! I just knew it did not matter if I married him in a potato sack. I just knew I loved him,believed he loved me with his whole heart and nothing else mattered!! Now,knowing all I do,waking up to the truth ad reality,I damn well DO care! He never sent a red nickel to put toward it because he was busy spending it on his girlfriend there,and getting drunk constantly.

I didnt have a decent dress,he wore a suit from graduation,and my mom had a woman from her church make our cake. He never put a nickel into it,and if I had someone to talk to me and make me realize,I would have seen that was telling me so much about him. We never even had rings. His mom gave him a set an old boyfriend had proposed to her with about 30 years earlier for me,and his dad gave him his to wear. Basically the vows were just words to him,because he says he did want to be with me. But now,knowing what I do - No freaking wonder he could easily go have an affair and lie to my face and not care for me. He never genuinely loved me!! I feel like my whole life has been a farce. A lie. When I look at the pictures from our wedding,I see the look on his face of totally "what in the hell am I doing!?" How could I be so blind for so long?

I dont know why I should allow him to stay in my life,yet I love him so much. I dont know if this is just more manipulation from him or if he truly has decided to make a difference in his ways and can love me with his whole heart. I dont want to be with him if he has to TRY to love me. I dont want him if that kind of love that he had all along is all he can give me,because it was never the kind of love a marriage is supposed to be. The love he had for me was like he loved me for what I was doing for him,and being,but not loving me as his wife-a deep emotional love. I did not understand why he kept me in a false marriage when he didnt love me enough to be faithful and truthful. That he couldnt let me go and let me try to find someone who may would love me in a way I loved. He tells me its because he was being selfish. That he didnt want me to go away... No,he didnt want me to leave because he knew I loved him like no one else would,ever could and at the same time knew he was cheating me out of real love but didnt care,and didnt feel the need to change his behavior. But didnt feel he should let me go and search for the love that I deserved. He says he couldnt let me go and let another man have me,but at the same time he also knew he could never give me the love I so wanted and needed. He was content with knowing how deeply I loved him,even though he knew he would not love me at the same level. Thus the name -unrequitted.

Its all been unrequitted love. Only he never allowed me to know about this,and never gave me the chance to make a decision,to let me have a say in whether I was ok with living in that kind of relationship,or to make a decision for my life and leave. I loved him so deeply,I was completely blind to acknowledging it was unrequitted love. I just thought,if I can do one more thing,he will break down that wall and let me in. Sadly,I have invested 23 years of my life and the only return I have is dishonesty,unfaithfulness,rejection,abandonment,being manipulated,and never feeling unloved.

I have told him SO many times,all I wanted is to have peace in my heart and love in my life. He has never been able of given me those things,never was truthful so I could find someone to give me those things, and I really dont know that he is ever going to be capable of giving me those things. He has been the same all his life. I dont know if he can change,if he is capable of changing, or if all this talk is just something to say now,so I wont leave him now that I realize what was happening and he wont have that love from someone he knows will love him completely with their whole being...that I will be here when he comes home from work,will be here to treat him like my god.

I know he didnt tell me the truth all these years because he was just too self absorbed. He says because he was afraid for me to know about everything and I would leave. Yet that fear wasnt so strong that it kept him from continuing to do things to hurt and betray me. Maybe he just thinks Im not worth being loved like that.... He tells me he tried so hard to love me ,to be the man I wanted,while also being the other person he was hiding from me,but it was constantly coming back up in his mind,and he would close himself off to me again.

He stayed too,for 23 years...I know that and I have thought about that,but then I realize... Hell! If you are a man and someone worshipped you,treated you like you were their god,you knew they loved you so much there was no worries of them finding any one else,because they loved you with their heart and soul, was desperate in wanting you to love them as they loved you,and never even cared for the thought of another person and gave you oral sex atleast 4 times a week,I guess that would be good enough too. And not have your heart invested,any one would think so! It wasnt costing him a thing emotionally.

He told me he never crossed the line sexually with anyone since he said the vows,that was something he would not do. Thats how he looked at himself as being faithful to me. Not having sex was the limit of showing he was committed. He just could not grasp until I explained that how a man feels about it with their woman physically,a woman feels that way emotionally about her man. A woman sees if her husband has a sexual relationship as betrayal,but once you give your heart to another,that is what destroys the woman. A woman needs to know her man is emotionally hers. His heart belongs to her. That he has given his heart completely to her. He had never gave me his heart,in all the 23 years we have been together,yet he showed me that he gave his heart to a woman he knew roughly 6 months. He thinks because he did not go to the point of having sex with her,not even a kiss(they worked in different cities and it was mostly an affair on the phone-she was a dispatcher and he was a technician,and even though he had to go to the office in the other city on occasion,and he went in and 'visited' her,he never kissed her,so he says-there were cubicles and many other people worked in that area,too) that it wasnt as hurtful if he would have had sex with her. He told me he got to the point that he did not care that other people in the office knew that he was married and coming to see her. Tell me that isnt freaked out love! Why would he not then care to kiss her infront of the other women in the office?

I keep hearing conversations they had. I keep seeing him leaning against her desk,with her looking up and down him with lust and him doing that with her. I actually ask him if its how the conversations went and he tells me if it was or not. He does not understand why I need these details,but because I absolutely do feel the right to know details,he says to be truthful and transparent,he tells me things I ask about. WelI,like with any other questions Ive had....I say what I think may have happened,and he says yes or no,and may go into a few details.I do know they did plan to meet up and have sex. He says when it came time to follow through,he would tell her he couldnt get away. He says once he used my body and fantasied I was her,that night of deep passionate love making,he got sick and knew it had to stop and he broke it off with her. I believe he had allowed her to have his heart,but when he told her he would not come and meet for sex,she called him a chicken. She even sent him a stuffed chicken with his boss one time,and he gave it to my husband in front of his co workers,so I know they knew about it. I think that is what showed him she wasnt on the level he was. It was all about hooking up to her. (He even brought it home,and gave it to our daughter,like an idiot but told me the guys gave it to him because he would not have sex with 'some woman').

I was sick at the time,dealing with the impact of the fibro,trying to work, and ofcourse I was not thinking my husband was carrying on an affair,so I hugged him and thanked him for being faithful to me. He actually told me he appreciated me trusting in him! I do remember thinking something wasnt quiet right about that little stuffed chicken,and threw it in the trash. I hope,and I know this may be cruel,but I truly hope she broke his heart when she showed him she did not care for him as he did her. I hope it devastated him. Actually I am pretty certain it did,now that I look back at all those years he spent in ways to avoid me. I think he got so heart broken and could not deal with anything else,so he kept to himself,pretending to be installing programs on computers that were useless,to make me think he was so interested in learning about computers and such. I hope he felt a loss that I feel now that I know he has never loved me like I have him. Thing is,he worked for the company for nearly 10 years after the affair supposedly ended,and he still had to occasionally have contact with her on the phone.

He said he would be totally business like and that yes,she still flirted and made sure he knew the offer was still on the table for sex,and that she continued being flirty up until he quit one day. He swears he would 'be cordial' for work rapport,but that he would give what info was needed to code work out,and then get off the phone immediately. I asked him why he didnt quit working for the company right after the affair,and he said because he would not make nearly the money he was making if he quit and went somewhere else,yet ten years later he quits out of the blue because his boss was an [censored] for so long(and he had been treating my husband unfairly for many years),he just couldnt deal with it any longer.

I told him that for all those years,he had lied to me every day by omission and in essence kept a tie with his affair partner. He keeps saying he knew I would leave if I knew. Maybe I would have,maybe not,maybe I would have left briefly and we could have made things better,but now,knowing he kept it from me for 15 years,knowing he never loved me as I have him,and knowing he was never satisfied or content in our marriage,I dont know how I feel. He says he has zero feelings for that so and so,that really those feelings,that infatuation he had for her died within a few weeks after he decided to break off the affair...I am very doubtful.

I still know he could have been truthful at ANY point in the past 23 years,at least the past 15 since he had the affair,but he chose to keep all this away from me. That he didnt want to be 'found out' for what he really was. Now he says I know all of him,that he wants to give me all of his heart. After 23 years,NOW he wants to build a life with me out in the open and be real with me....after 23 years. What do I do with all the years I just spent on him? What about all the deceit? I feel like such an idiot! I have been SO stupid! He says its the past. It is the past for him,but its the now for me,as I am just now finding out all of these things.

This morning is in the past,but things that happened still affect us now.
I still know he could have been truthful at ANY point in the past 23 years,but he chose to keep all this away from me. He told me that he didnt want to be 'found out' for what he really was. Now he says I know all of him,that he wants to give me all of his heart. After 23 years,NOW he wants to build a life with me out in the open and be real with me....after 23 years. What do I do with all the years I just spent on him? What about all the deceit? He says he wants to work on the now. If he wanted to make things right, he has had years and SO many opportunities,but he just didnt care enough to bother. Now Im supposed to believe that he wants to since he told me all this stuff. That he says hes a changed person and can be the man who can give me the love,stability and make me secure and have that peace I have desired in life. That he cares enough to be the man I deserve. What about how much I wanted it for 23 years? When I ask him that,he tells me he cant change the past. I know that,but still,what do I do with all that trying and love and devotion that was wasted?

He has caused so much devastation that I dont know where to run,whether to sit down or sink to the ground,to breathe or not. I literally catch myself not breathing. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I loved him deeply for 23 years. Over half my life. I just get sick. I have lost 15 pounds in less than a month. I cant eat,I dont sleep,even with ambien, I am obsessed trying to deal with all this,as it IS my life,and I am so confused. I have not allowed him to touch me sexually but one time since finding out all this, about two weeks after the initial truth came out,I was trying to reconnect with him, and I regretted being intimate with him even before it was finished and over with. I cant even hug him and I automatically stiffen at his touch. I cant bring myself to kiss him,though he comes all the time and kisses me on the cheek,or the top of my head,tells me he loves me with his whole heart. I do give a on lip peck before he leaves for work.(BTW,he is now working in a very dangerous position,and I am the person who would never forgive myself if he went to work and never came home one day). I know he has caused all the pain and destruction in my heart,but I still love this man.

Frustration and confusion rule my soul. My stomach stays in knots,and my heart feels like it is rotting right in my chest. I know I am getting ill because I catch myself stumbling from feeling so weak,as has he and our daughter made remarks about it when it happens. Im having heart palptations,my blood pressure is through the roof,and I have been on the edge of a nervous break down many times. The only thing I guess that is saving me from that is I have a few valium from where I had surgery a while back the doctor prescribed and I hadnt taken. I throw up constantly when the night of passion comes in my mind. I am really trying to shake this and just deal with things and get myself as healthy as I can. I had the fibro symptoms under control for years,but now,I am in extreme pain all the time,even with meds,and I feel like I am going totally crazy.
I point blank asked him if he had ever been sexual with anyone since we got married. I told him I had always told my gyno that I was in a certain my husband was faithful,so did not need tested for diseases,as I knew I had herpes.

I told him this was not just my emotions here,this was my very life we were talking about. As I stated earlier,he said that was a line he would not cross. I showed him a page where HPV can go undetected and can cause cancer. Because I know he loves me somewhat,I do believe him when he tells me he has never had sex with any other woman. He had cancer,and I know how he feels about it. I am still making an appointment to be screened. As much as I do trust him to tell the truth about this thing,I need confirmation that my health is no more compromised than it already is.

How do I know that now that he says he has killed that part of him,(he says that person is dead),the part who chose to hurt me and do things to hurt me will not come back one day? How do I know how he will be while away from me and how do I ever move on,one way or the other from this point. How can I know he can possibly love me whole hearted?I cant read his mind,I cant know what is really in his heart. Can he love me more than just beyond how you love someone you know and grew to care for? Is it possible for him to ever love me with a deep passion as I do him? I dont even know if its possible,but I feel it is not. He keeps telling me he knows what he wants now,and that it is me,only me. That he is done with all the BS,and that if I allow him,he WILL show me the love I deserve,the love in his heart he has for me now.

I told him I would stay for a while and give him a chance to prove to me,but I also told him I would have my defenses up. Im so worried that he will finally feel that kind of love for me(but how will I know for certain?) and in the meantime I lose the love I have for him. Or that I waste more of my life and he be the same conceited,self absorbed person Ive spent 23 years on. I wish so much I could go to a therapist. I can not afford to. I guess Im hoping someone,a counselor from marriage builders will maybe respond with something for me. I need someone with training to help me.

I have been such a fool for so long. I dont want to be made a fool of any longer,and I need a person who can look at this situation objectively and tell me if there is any hope of this man loving me as he says he does and will. I need someone who knows how the mind works. A therapist who knows if this is possible. He tells me over and over he is not playing around any longer. That he is being 100% real with me now. Help!! PLEASE!! He keeps telling me we need to move forward and work on our new relationship. I cant even think about healing right now. The pain is all I see.

I tell him over and over I cant get past this. How do I try to 'work' on this relationship while Im still reeling from pain,from all the knowledge of what Ive denied or not seen for so long? Should I even try at all,or am I being a stupid person that will be taken advantage of again? I told him my defense were up. They will be,but what do I do if he is still manipulating me? How do I move from this point?

Welcome unrequitted and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

First hit notify and ask the mods to move this to SAA.

Do you know if his OW was married at the time of his affair? You can heal this marriage and recover from his infidelities but you need to follow Dr. Harley's plans for recovery.

Do you know if he is still involved in an affair?
Is he still in the military?
Please read these and ask lots of questions. Exposure 101

Another saying we have here. There may be reasons for an affair butno excuses.

His affair is 100% on him.

Please read this my friend Carrot and Stick of Plan A

You're correct do not stop your apt to be STD tested. Make sure you do. Your health is the #1 thing here. Ok?

Thanks for response. She was not married. The affair happened 15 years ago,and I do know it is over. He has been out of the military since 2 years in the relationship,about 20 years. He has taken full responsiblity for the affair. He has shown much remorse,but like I say,I dont know if he is being truthful about changing or if Im being manipulated all over again. Thanks for the info.

Have all your questions been answered anout the affair?

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley? If not I would buy it.

You will begin t How Can Trust Be restored after an Affair o feel like he's changed when he proves to you that he's changed.

Read these

When you affair proof your marriage you will begin to trust him.

Read this How To Survive An Affair

Do you have complete transparency from him? Know all his passwords, can loo at his phone anytime?

You will not feel safe in your marriage if there will always be questions.

Has he answered all hour questions about the affair? If he has then Dr. Harley says you shouldn't bring it up anymore.

If you think he may be hiding something from you then you need to snoop.

Read this by D. Harley Snooping is it right or wrong?

he has answered them - when I think to ask him things. I have put him through the wringer. I have not been very nice about it either.

I have all passwords to his email. I have access to the cellphone bills, look at his cell phone when ever. I know he hasnt answered all my questions because more keep occurring to me. He has answered all the ones I have thought to ask. The thing about transparency is I dont know. I thought I knew this man. I was with him for 23 years and thought I knew him,but I really didnt. All the info is so new and I am still trying to process it all.

Believe me,I have snooped.I have learned so much about how people hide things on the computer and I havent found anything. He does not care that I see his cell phone. I have full access to everything. I honestly do not believe he is being unfaithful or has been since the affair 15 years ago. My biggest issue is that my relationship has been one sided. I have loved him completely,but he told me he has not been able to open his heart to me because he was afraid I would not love him when I found out who he really was. He seems to think that is why he could not love me as a husband. I know the affair was selfishness. He has acknowledged it. I just dont know if I should trust him now. Even with all the remorse,the tears,and the promises he is telling me. He thanks me constantly for giving him another chance. That he WILL show me the love that is in his heart for me.

I would ask him for a poly. This will help you get all the answers. Your marriage never recovered from his affair.

MB can help you do this. We just had a poster that required a poly from his wife and her affair was 17 years ago.
Polygraph testing

Welcome to Marriage Builders! I'm so sorry for what you have endured all these years. My first inclination is that you should read this article, When to call it quits . You have basically lived in a loveless marriage with a serial cheater. I don't believe for a minute that he hasn't had sex with another woman in all that time.

One thing that comes through in your epic post, is that you still love this man, or think you do. I suggest that you follow the advice in the article but also that you email the radio show and ask Dr. Harley yourself, especially if you can't afford the coaching. This is no way to live. Not all marriages are meant to be saved, but if you want to try, you've come to the best place.

If your husband or WH (wayward husband) is for real about wanting to heal your marriage, it's time for him to put his money where his mouth is.

Who knows, if this thing turns around, you may get that dream wedding in the form of a vow renewal, or in your case, vow proclamation.

Will your husband post here?

Well if he is truly sorry and repentant he will do your requirements that you ask of him.
Well if you want to have a romantic marriage you can do that with MB.

It sounds like you still have resentment from his affair. Which is totally understandable.

Can you afford the coaching center?

Read these Coping with Infidelity: Restoring The Marital Relationship

I have asked him to take one. He has agreed but also brings up the fact that his brother failed one about sexually abusing a child. He-well,everyone believes he didnt,couldnt do such a thing. I told him we all never believed my sister could commit murder either.(She murdered her husband.(another story). I just found out about the affair like 1 1/2 months ago. I told him every day that went by that he kept it from me is a day he had a tie to the OW. He has stated he understands that now. I guess youre right,I havent recovered from the affair because I never knew about it until recently. I am still reeling from it. i told him if he had been honest from the beginning ,even after the affair was over,we could have moved on years ago. Now,I have to take everything slowly,and try to use common sense. Thanks for the link to the post.

Thanks for the link to 'when to call it quits'. Very informative! I understand the relationship was not what I believed it was,and I have made it clear I will no longer be in a relationship with me being the only one giving! I do know he loves me(he has been 'good' to me,so much so that I really thought he was a good faithful husband. Its that the love he had was not the deep emotional love as I have for him. That is what hurts me so much! I believe he actually had a singular EA the one time,as in having a relationship with another woman. I know that going to the other womans' FB is infidelity, and is total betrayal. What I mean is I dont believe he ever had another full affair,emotional or physical. That's what an affair is to me. I know he was simply going to her pages and lusting for her. I told him it wasnt like porn with a nameless,pretty much faceless woman we dont know...this was a co worker he could have contact with everyday - thats what makes it so horrible. That it could have easily evolved into something so much more. He agrees with me,and has apologized many times for it.

As far as porn,I dont mind it as much as long as its not girls close to our daughter age. I know its about the sex anyways. As long as he is open with me about going to the sites. There have been times we have visited sites together. It hurts that he went to the co workers page and lusted for her,but I DO KNOW he never has hooked up with her,and never carried on with her. I know he never carried a conversation with this woman on FB ( I have always had full access to his page and his computer). They barely see each other at work(they work in separate areas,in a very large place of employment,and well,...he works at a prison,and he works in a segregation unit,so I know he doesnt see her often if at all,just when clocking in),and he calls me within 4-7 minutes when he is released from work. He is always home within the time it takes to drive home from work,and there is no text messages,calls etc., on the phone bill and I KNOW he does not have a second cell phone. He is with me all the time if he is not at work,or on the way. I think knowing she is so readily available is what drew him to her page,not excusing him by any means,and I do believe it started out as curiosity,but then grew into pure lust.(BTW,the woman on FB he was lusting after,is having an affair with a male coworker right now. It is all throughout the place of employment.

He told me the man in the affair-his wife has found out,and that the man has come to work looking like a sick lost dog,and the contrast of the woman is daylight to dark-she is as carefree as ever. I dont care-but just wanted to throw that bit of info in there,as my husband said it makes him realize what he could be having to deal with even more than we are already. I think it actually makes him think back to how the EA was. He got invested,but she didnt really care for him like he did her. >:D Hehehe!!! (I really dont care if I come off as spiteful...I am,and I am glad she hurt him. Maybe it taught him a little something when he thinks about doing it next time,though he tells me there will be no next time). He realizes he could have threw away his family for a cheap,easy whore who had zero feelings for him.

As of now,and I am going to question him further,I do NOT believe he had sex with any other person than me. He knows Im at the point of walking away and if I catch any inconsistency,I will leave in a heart beat. He knows he is on the verge of losing me and our daughter. He is constantly in a daze saying,"I have destroyed everything. I am losing everyone and everything I have loved". He has nearly had a break down as well. He tells me he KNOWS he has destroyed all that was given to him,and that he wants to show me he is in love with me now. That he knows he has destroyed the deep love I had for him,but that hopefully some day he will be able to get that back. That he understands he took all the love and devotion for granted and wants to give me his whole heart. He knows I am serious and that I will leave.

I am going to ask him questions from the polygraph thread tonight and make him swear on our daughters' life for the truth. I know that is drastic; he could still lie,but I know he loves her enough to not even dare to lie on her life. I do still love him,but as I said,my defenses are up and I told him I have put him first for 23 years. Im now putting MY well being first. I come first now! He said he understands and does not want me living in a one sided marriage any longer. That he can be all I want and need.That he wants to wrap his heart around me and never hurt me again. He also says he is finished being a selfish [censored], and he will be putting me to be first in his life. That I will be in the front and center of his heart and mind,no matter where he is and what he does. That if I give him the chance,he will show me more love than I ever thought was possible from him...I told him I will give him some time,but to know I would be watching every move he makes,every word he says,and that I now know what to watch for as far as deceit is concerned. He has deleted his FB and I have complete access to everything he uses technically. Im actually on his computer typing this.

See,I do understand that when someone is hiding things in their deepest part of them,things they are scared and ashamed to share,horrible awful things,they cant give their whole selves to anyone. There is always a wall around that,to protect themselves,therefore a wall I could not break down and he would not let down,until the other night,when he told me things I had never heard from him before. I think its sad, though that with all the love and devotion I have shown him,he felt I would judge him horribly for things out of his control when he was a child. He tells me his heart is completely open to me and therefore he can love me completely and with an open heart. That he can give me love with his whole heart. I do see him being more transparent and talking to me more emotionally and openly than he has in the 24 years I have known him. Maybe that is some hope?

As I stated, I also know those things have nothing to do with his behavior of the affair and the infidelity online. He takes FULL responsibility and makes zero excuses nor gives reasons other than pure selfishness.

I asked him on the phone (he calls me everyday when he gets to work and when he gets off work also) if he would post here. He said he would.

Here is an article that may be of interest to you.

What is an affair?


Porn is actually QUITE damaging to a marriage. I used to have an addiction to porn .. (porn free just over a year now actually) What a HUGE difference in my thought patterns ... and my performance when I am not hooked on porn! ITs VERY decieving and creates a contrast effect that could or eventually will diminish your hubbies and your drives for each other when your looks dont keep up to the faceless 18YOs that pretend they are enjoying what they are doing on the screen. SF should be EXCLUSIVE between each other... masturbation and porn viewing ruin a good love bank deposit opertunity so SF should only be done with each other and not "solo" or "enhanced with porn". I didnt believe porn effected me until I finally got the will power to stay away from it and be open with my wife when i needed SF.

Check these articles out.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html - addiction to porn letter 1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html - addiction to porn letter 2


MNG

He has been doing everything I have required of him. He really is trying hard to show me he cares and is wanting to show me he is a changed man... I have been in so much pain though,we really havent gotten to the point of 'working' on our relationship yet. I have been very hurt and angry and I have let it all come out in the past month and a half. I dont know how long I will be before I can lay the hurt and devastation to the side and work on us or make a decision to leave. I do want to make this realtionship work.

I have invested half my life into it. I think the affair,along with the years of neglect,taking my love for granted and the years of him keeping things from me is what hurts the most. Knowing he used my body while thinking of her is going to be the biggest obstacle I will have to get over to move forward. Im so thankful for you all being here for me. I havent made a decision on whether to tell our daughter or family members about this. I guess Im too humiliated right now,plus,our daughter is so very much like my husband,very strong willed,and they have had a strained relationship in the past-he has NOT been physically abusive to either of us,and even though he has done things emotionally hurtful to me, he has always treated her as his princess.

She has no idea what is going on right now. His birthday was yesterday and she bought him a book about what a wonderful daddy he is and has been to her. He has been an excellent daddy to her,other than emotionally choosing a woman over her 15 years ago. He did not leave though,and I know without a doubt in my heart,he would have fought tooth and nail to have partial custody of her if he had left. He has always been loving and protective of her. She is a teenager and has tried her limits,and we have had to put the fences up. Dont get me wrong,she is a great kid. Works and goes to college,just wanted to know where the limits were and we had to show her. Being that I was more available to talk to her after the limits were imposed,and he was working,I of course have a closer relationship with her. He kept saying'she loves me'.

He always thought she didnt like him. I cant break her heart by letting her know he has been what he has all along. Maybe in the future,but right now,I cant do that to her. Hopefully,when that time comes,I can also tell her he USED to be that person, and that he has changed to be the kind of man she should try to find a husband like.

Oh and to add a bit of mor reading on porn ... here is a snip from a thread that is buried that starts where I answered someones question about the effects of porn and what was going on in my mind at the time of use etc. There is many responses around it and leading up to it .. feel free to circle the area around the link to grasp the conversation in the thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2586096&page=9

MNG

Thank you for your comment. I do know porn can be damaging,and I wont say I never felt he didnt compare me to them,though for 43,I look darn good and get checked out by other men all the time,if I do say so myself! But,thats not what I want...I have told my husband,my wants are not to be desired by other men,but by him. What I meant is this woman is someone he has access to to go into something physical. The women in the porn are people we dont know,people we dont see everyday,ya know. We actually havent been to a porn site in over a year. I know for a fact he hasnt either,because I have learned how to go back and read a computers cache. Thank you for the links. I will go read them,and have him read them with me.

I just read the link about affairs,and you know...I never thought of it that way,as Im sure most people dont! Thank you and I will be showing this to my husband also!