Okay, I'm totally ready for Plan B. H was really rotten to me tonight, in public, in front of the kids, right after we left a special event for my girls. It was just over the top, and he'd obviously constructed this entire monstrous scenario where he wasn't responsible for his mistakes and I was completely responsible for them despite the fact that we hadn't seen or spoken to one another in almost 24 hours. I'll admit, I engaged, but I kept it as respectful as I could, I was just pretty incredulous. And yeah, when he said he felt like he was babysitting his son, I called him on it...I would *never* think of time with my child as babysitting, no matter what the circumstances, never.

I also spoke to his dad today...waste of energy. Have I mentioned that his dad is on his fourth marriage and his mom her sixth? Yeah, role models. Anyways, at least I said my piece, now I won't regret not speaking up to his family.

Saturday can't come soon enough. Now I just need to figure out an IM.

Do you think there is a lesson here for others who might be dating a person with multi-marriage-divorce parents?

Oh definitely a lesson, Pep, part of why I share it.

I didn't hold it against H because he said he found it disgusting, at least on the part of his mom (his dad, he said, didn't want any of the divorces, but was powerless to stop them). But, his mom has been the main influence in him getting this divorce. It's funny, he used to be really stand-off-ish with her, keeping a safe distance, described her as toxic, and said he'd had to move 500 miles away to get out of her influence. Now, she's like his best buddy, only like a bad one, whispering in his ear. I am so repulsed by her, and today I was wondering, is it just misplaced anger and revulsion towards my H?

Anyway...still moving forward with what I can move forward with. Packing boxes, enjoying the prospect of a new chapter in my life...

Had a conversation with my son tonight, he said everyone is happy about the move but daddy, and asked why we aren't bringing daddy with us? I said because daddy doesn't want to live with mommy anymore, and so he doesn't want to come. He asked why, and I said, I don't know. He asked if we still love daddy, and I said yes. He does understand that he'll be visiting his dad. Then he said that we won't be a family anymore without a daddy. Sigh. So many broken hearts stemming from one selfish idiot's poor choices. Yes, I know, a DJ, and I shouldn't even be thinking them, but I hate to see my kids hurting.

Your son knows about your WH's affair, correct?

Why not tell him also it's a consequence of his father's choice?

Yes, I should. I hadn't figured out a way to talk to him about the affair, in part because it was a nascent EA that H has refused to give up, rather than something more present in his life (when the girls' dad left, for instance, it was easy to say why and how the affair fit in). I think in my case (and it's born out a bit by what Dr. Harley said when I was on the show) that it's not the affair so much, as H's lack of maturity and responsibility that are at play here. So the EA was in a lot of ways a ruse, an exit affair so to speak, a way for H to gaslight me and put it all on me as the crazy, jealous wife, who anyone would want to leave, rather than acknowledging that deep down, he's more the scared boy who's afraid to try in case he'll fail, and then, of course, fails by not trying to live his life. Does that make sense? I guess I don't want to make a bigger deal about it than it is at this point, the bigger problem I see, is that H doesn't want to be a part of my life, and therefore he's okay with not being a big part of his son's life, too, if that's what it takes. And yes, I want my son to be aware of that, but not to feel rejected by it. Clear as mud?

I should clarify, it's not that he's refused to give up the EA, more that he refuses to acknowledge it for what it is/was, refuses Openness and Honesty, insists on independent behavior, and in every other way dooms our marriage to not be a marriage. I don't have any inkling that he's in contact with her or has been in quite some time. But it triggered a whole set of behaviors that H has clung to like a life preserver.

I do remember you on the show and Dr. Harley recommended Plan B for you and I know it's taken you some time to get there.

You're almost there so good job.

Do you ever go back and listen to your show?

Well, BH, thanks for giving me the courage...I talked to the kids this morning about H's being inappropriate with another woman, and was honest with them that this is not acceptable in marriage and is part of the choices that H is making not to give up that kind of behavior.

Yes, I've listened to my show quite a few times. It gives me strength.

And really, things seem to be going well. H said he drove by our new place and was positive about it (don't know quite what I think about that). But he also said he wants to write up our divorce agreement so he's responsible for the mortgage here and then, gets the house...I'm fine with that, if it frees me up from the responsibility! He's been working on the house more, too, I think it's a matter of feeling like it's for him, rather than for me, and he's happy working towards bettering his own situation. Anyways...it is what it is. I'm just feeling so much relief about finally moving out and moving on...two more days!

Someone posted on FB that the super moon on Saturday is a "time to release what is no longer wanted or needed" and sadly, I think my marriage is in that category at this point. But at least it will be a good time to let go.

Good job JV on being honest with the kids. It's so much better to be honest. We have a few posters on the board that grew up not knowing their mother or father had someone on the side. They knew something wasn't quite right when they were younger but didn't find out the truth until they were adults.

Some of them still have issues from the lies. So commend you for doing right by your children.

Yes two more days. I've been watching your strength grow.

Maybe it's becoming a reality to your WH that you aren't going to be there anymore and he needs to get off his hinee and work on the house.

Oh well not your mess anymore, right?
Good job my friend.

Yup! I keep thinking that exact same thing!

I am having lunch with a friend today and I'm going to ask her about being my IM, because I really want to make it into Plan B completely, not just living separately. But I still haven't resolved the church issue, and our son has his preschool graduation coming up in a couple of weeks, so I don't know how I would handle that.

On Church. Does he go?
Can you go to different service times? I'm sorry but you may have to find a different church. Is it going to be tough to find another one?

Pre-school is a tough one. Will he for sure go? We've had posters sit on opposite sides but this isn't usually recommended. You'll need to get creative on this one because any cracks in Plan B will hurt you. Maybe email the radio show and ask?

You will be doing the Parallel parenting, correct?

I hope your friend will be your IM. Email her this so it helps her IM Training School

I asked Scotty about the functions and this is her excellent advise.[quote=Scotland] My WH isn't told about the functions. If he were to ever be in the same place as me, I would leave. I have advised those in the past to have an exit strategy. ie. have someone else be responsible for taking children home from events, in case the BS needs to make a quick exit, and have someone record the event so the BS can enjoy the moment with the child at a later time. Whileit may not be "fair"forthe BS to miss events, during PB, it is VERY important for the emotional well being and healing of the BS.
I take my PB seriously. A HUGEpart of me started this because I would want Bampot to take recovery seriously, so I was leading by example. I would NEVER accept an excuseforcontactwith OW ifrecovery were to begin, so I MUST hold myselfto thesamestandard during my PB.
Things have changed in my life. I miss school functions, and trips that happen during the day. I have missed parent-teacher interviews because of work. The boys have had to be home alone while I was still at work. After being available any time during the day, and knowing that another parent would be with them when I wasn't able to, this was a HUGEadjustment. It was also very necessary. And I had to deal with the guilty feelings over it. The thing that most helped me was the knowledge that had I not entered PB, my children's life(and my own) would be filled with much more turmoil and drama. There was never any question to me as to which path I needed to choose. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair. But it was RIGHT.

Church...yes, he goes as well. Pretty much every week. But I actually have a job there, teaching a second hour kids activity, and I also really, really need the support network of church and church friends to support my life as a single mother. Other than work, it's my main social outlet. And my closest family is 450 miles away, so having a support network is huge.

I read what Scotty wrote with, well, awe. I just don't know if I could do that. It is already so painful to give up time with my child, something which I am forced to do because of the impending divorce, and the idea is just so hard to take. Would I be willing to give up on school functions to implement a perfect plan B? Honestly, I don't think I could. Partly for me, and partly for my kids. Because as much as I want to show them my value in marriage, I don't want them to feel the pain of it any more than the pain they are already feeling, and I don't want them to feel any "less than" loved. Maybe it's something I should write Dr. Harley about...an update to my old radio show, and more info about Plan B in this type of situation (when it's not to kill an active affair, but to protect the BS and love bank balance).

Also, I think I'm informed a little bit in this by my relationship with my ex. He married his affair partner, and for a long time I had pretty much no contact with him, very very little anyway. It was very helpful for my recovery and I did "get over" him in pretty much all ways. But I also know that now I can see him, talk to him, interact with him...and it has no effect on me whatsoever. I only see him a few times a year, when we exchange the kids, and talk to him maybe every other month (at most) by phone, maybe occasional emails...always kid related. And other than surprise at how he looks older, or whether he's gained or lost weight, I have to say I've erased almost every feeling for him (and most of my memories, even). So, I'd rather get to that state of indifference than to a state of absolute and perpetual plan B that punishes my kids and myself. If that makes sense.

But...I think a period of no contact would be good, healing for me and firm about not meeting any of ex's emotional needs. Maybe I should plan to start it when I know we have no more school functions or reasons we'd have to interact, and plan a month long hiatus from church, etc? After 5/20 would work...maybe I should think about doing that. That's after our mediation, my son's preschool graduation, and the church end of school year service.

Thoughts? And Scotty if you're reading, I'd love your perspective on this...

I started a thread asking for you.

Here is what it is so far Important/Special events in Plan B Add your question to it.

Okay, new place, new experiences! The house really is perfect for us. I'm glad I didn't just get some cheap, dinky transitional housing, but actually got some place we can be comfortable and happy. There's still a lot of work to be done, we have boxes everywhere, but it feels great. I didn't quite get all of it out of our old house, there's one more good size trailer load left, but I got what I could, and enough until the weekend.

H isn't taking it too well, he was pretty aloof this weekend, and actually threw a few fits as well. He's also been trying to be more difficult about contact with our son. He kept trying to change plans after we'd agreed to them and on Saturday threatened not to bring him home. I'm at peace that if he does something like that, it will get straightened out in the court system, and that I have to have faith that things will work out in the end.

I'm also convinced of the need to go into plan B. I'm not sure about plan B forever...I've been reading surviving an affair and it doesn't seem to suggest that that will be necessary. It actually says part of the point of plan B is to slowly deplete the love bank until it is empty, thereby making divorce, if that is the end, much less painful. That's similar to what I experienced with my ex, although it didn't get that way until after the divorce. Anyways, I'm still thinking about writing the radio show about that question. As for plan B, I'm going to initiate it in a couple of weeks. I've already talked to someone at church about taking a leave of absence from my position, and am still working on securing an IM.

So happy you are out of there!! I know what a pain it is to unpack, but before you know it, it will feel all nice and homey.

Plan B works the opposite of what you wrote here. Plan B protects the remaining love in the lovebank; plan C erodes it.

Your only reason for going into Plan B would to be to protect you from the emotional duress of being around him. In your case, I predict you would feel so much better if you would go into Plan B. you will get your spunk and self confidence back.

But you are right about Plan B making it easier to move to divorce. Since you are emotionally detached, it is much easier to make good decisions about moving forward.

Congrats on making the move.

You have a good IM? This will make a loads of difference when he's trying to change plans.

I'm still in Plan B from my WXH and we've been D for 7 years now.

Here are some excellent radio clips on Dr. Harley explaining Plan B.

1st Segment talking about Plan A an Plan B
Radio clip on Plan C

Also here is an excellent older thread on Plan C that you might find interesting.
Plan C is not a Plan

I haven't secured an IM yet...working on it. But yes, whoever I get needs to be absolute about it.

I emailed Joyce and Dr. Bill again about Plan B and getting a better grasp about whether it needs to be a forever thing. I will definitely share what response I get!