Hi,
I am new here and am deployed right now. Let me start from the begging I suppose, its going to be a log story but i do need some help with all of this and some of the hurt feelings i am having right now. SO before I deployed My wife and I were having some issues, she just didn�t feel I was committed enough to the marriage. I struggled trying to understand what I was doing wrong. She just didn�t feel I was "ME" any more. We did go to a marriage counselor but I don�t think this counselor was the best for us, and neither does my wife, and we didn�t really have enough time to get it all resolved before I deployed. I should have tried harder before I left. On new years I told here things would be different and I would change my ways. I did start understanding what I was doing wrong. It was the little things like holding her hand in public. Opening doors for her. Doing the things she asked of me. Putting her first in my life. Including her in my daily life. I had a lot of things I lost touch with, and I was very distant with her, there were many other things too. After new years I only had 7 more days and then left for training and deployment. Once deployed it seemed like our problems doubled she had lots of time to think. She questioned our marriage, and also started talking to her ex husband. I asked her to stop talking to him because i was deployed and felt unconfterable about it. I think that pushed her over the edge and she ended up having an affair with someone. It took her a while to tell me about it but I did have my suspicions beforehand like looking at the phone bill and seeing all the txt and phone calls from this guy that she just meet, saying that he was just a "friend". Ok now here i am hurt and trying to heal. She has told me that it would never happen again, and for me to trust her to the fullest that it wont happen again. And also the she is giving me the chance to prove myself one more time to her when i get home, and that she is 110% committed to us. The problem is though is that I am still hurting about this affair she had and I cant seem to get over it. Especially while I am out here deployed. Also she still communicates with the man she had an affair with. Not all the time but every few days or so. I have told her that it is hurting me and I don�t like it. She also told me she is going to see him to talk. She has told me that she will remain faithful and to trust her on this. I am letting it go now. I am letting her talk to him without questioning her on a million different things. But how do I get over the feeling I have those dang gut renching butter flies, and the feeling of hurt I have about all of this. I can�t seem to stop checking to phone bill online just to see if she has talked to him. I feel like I am sharing her with someone, even though she has said he is a friend. I�m so confused right now, and i know she is hurt too for how distant I was. What do I do? Please Help!!!

Hi Kbusaf, Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have found a place where you will be offered advice, encouragement and support. Know that although details may differ, everyone has faced the situation you find yourself in and will offer you advice to help you heal and save your marriage.

Please listen to that advice, at times it may seem counter intuitive but the MB principles are the best chance you have in saving your marriage.

There may be times where replies are delayed due to time differences but someone will always respond. There is a welcome link for newbies in the notable post which is a great place to start whilst waiting for a response.

The vets will respond, they offer valuable insight and advice.

Sorry can't add link but you can find it in Notable Posts
"For Newly Betrayed Spouses" by Longhorn. This should give you a start until the vets respond.

KB,

First, thank you for your service, especially during this deployment and time away from home. I am sorry you are going through this now. It makes it extra difficult when you are away and not present to work on busting up an affair and recovering the marriage.


First, recognize that her affair is still going on. She is talking to and meeting up with this man. It is highly probable they are having sex. Is this man married? How does she know him?

The first step in recovering a marriage is to bust up the affair. Exposure to anyone and everyone who can influence her (or the om) to quit the affair is the most effective way to break up an affair. Expose the affair to her friends and family, his family, especially if he is married.

How long have you been married? Do you have children? How did her first marriage break up? Was she cheating on her first husband?

Get ahold of and read the book, "Surviving an Affair". Also, take a look at the threads for newly betrayed spouses.


When do you re-deploy?
AM

Thank you for your service and sorry for your pain

Please read this.
Thread to help newly betrayed spouses