I've been married to her for 11 years and we've been together for 20. We have a 10 yo son together. First/only marriage for both of us.

She has meet up with a guy online and it's become pretty serious. They chat on an online game they play, text constantly, talk on phone. She has admitted to having phone sex. This guys is 1500 miles away so I'm quite sure thay have not met yet, but they are talking about it. They are also talking about him relocating here so they can live together. I'm not 100% convinced he is actually willing to do this though. The thing with this guy has been going on for about 3 months now. I have known about it/struggled with it for about 6 weeks.I know more than she thinks due to some spying I have done.

We have started seeing a MC but she claims to have no interest in saving the marriage. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. She says we are best friends but she wants to get away from me.

I'm not sure what to do from here so I'm reaching out to you folks for some help. I've read about Plan A so I am trying to keep a calm head and see where this goes. It seems that right now, she is sitting on the fence and is a cake eater. I would really like for the marriage to work and want to keep my family together. I'm very concerned about the well being of my son and the effects this nightmare is going to have on him.

Sorry I'm not up to speed on all the acronyms yet so please keep that in mind when replying.

Any help is really appreciated. Thank you.

You're not going to be able to talk any sense into her in a rational way. The only thing she's going to respond to is having the lid blown off this fantasy she's living.

If you've read up on plan A you know some of what you need to do, but the best way to put a kink in these plans is to expose her A to family and friends. This isn't done to be spiteful, but to show her how unrealistic she's being and to throw a bucket of cold common sense into her thinking.

Weekends are slow on this forum, so please stick around and give people time to reply to you in detail. You will get the info you need to form a concrete plan here. Your marriage can be saved if the A is still long distance as you think. Keep digging for more information....don't assume you know everything there is to know.

BTW, read up on the abbreviations at -

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Doug. I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances, but you've come to the right place.

Who is this bottom feeder? He is more than likely married. Can you get his name? There are search engines online that will help you locate his wife. Exposing this to his wife will more than likely blow up the affair.

Can you get her phone long enough to put spyware on it? How about her computer? Can you slap a keylogger on it when she's not around?

Does she have Facebook? She's likely friended him and is keeping in contact with him that way, as well.

Do this quietly, without her knowledge. Come here with what you find and we'll help you with what to do next. Meanwhile, Plan A her as much as possible. Put on your game face and show her that her fantasy buddy is no match for what she already has.

Read about the most important emotional needs here. Determine hers and work on meeting those, even if she doesn't seem receptive to you.

Also: Do NOT tell your WW (wayward wife) about this site. Don't say anything to her about the concepts here. That's for later, after you've busted up the affair.

Is she employed?
What time of day is she corresponding with him?

DougDee

Welcome to MB's. Sorry your here under these circumstances.

Another previous posters story rang a bell.

Might want to read this.

Link to wheels_spinning


Not sure if he is still posting or his former WW.

Its been a while but I think there may be a lot of similarities in your storys.

Hope this helps.

nESRE

Have you exposed this to your son, your family (hers, yours), friends, and found out who this man was? You may find this man actually has a wife and family too. Or, perhaps he is some kid (online GAME?) and has parents if he is talking about relocating after 3(!) months.

#1 way to help kill this right now will be for everyone to know that this grown wife and mother is having phone sex with some guy she met on an internet game. Truly, truly, embarrassing.

In the meantime, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME because she seems to have fantasies of replacing you as husband, and probably father. This woman has lost reality so don't put it past her.

Hi Doug, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. This affair has not gone very far so if you act quickly and decisively, it is very likely you can kill it. The key to saving your marriage is killing the affair.

Who is this OM?

Do you have a keylogger on her computer? If not, I would get a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone. eblaster has both at spectorsoft.com.

Find out everything you can about this OM and come back and tell us about him.

Thanks for the replies all. I have told our friends about what is going on. Her two best friends have talked to her and have tried telling her she is making a mistake but she won't listen. We don't really have any family as her mother and sister, who used to live nearby, move to another state about 700 miles away. Her mother has always favored my wifes sister and basically has abandoned my wife. so wife and her mother and sister are on the outs. I have also exposed the affair to one of her game buddies who then went and told everyone. I have not exposed the affair to my son.

As for the bottom feeder, I know his name. I actually spoke to him once when he called my wife while he was drunk and threatened to end it with her unless she handed me her phone, which she did. The guy was accusing me of sending some picture or screen shots to someone which I had not done. He said if I have a problem with him, he could be on my doorstep before I left for work the next morning. I actually have video of the chat where he said "I will put bullet between his eyes". Wife doesn't seem to think this guy is wacked???

I can never get at her phone as she keeps it close at all time. I can install key logger... need to get that. But I do have pretty good methods of spying on her.

She does have Facebook but the majority of communication is done through the game and texting and phone calls. Much of the day, there are texts back and forth every couple of minutes. This guys is retired military and apparantly has all day and night to stay in constant touch with her. So they are pretty much in touch from morning until midnight. Wife will dissappear to the bathroom or upstairs to text. He is supposedly divorced and has two kids, 14 and 19, that do not live with him.

My wife does work a part time job but seems to spend most of her time texting.

nesre- thanks for the link to that previous post... a lot of simliarities there for sure.

I have no intention on leaving my home!

Wife keeps talking about moving out and is looking at rental ads. Not quite sure how she is going to afford that. She's talking about shared custody of our son.

Let me know if there other questions about the OM and I'll try to answer them.

Thanks so much for the warm welcome and all your help and support. I can really use it right now.

Report the bullet threat to the police - TODAY. Take it seriously and press charges. Reasons? #1 Might scare OM away for good #2 Use it in court for divorce/custody should it come down to it. A recorded death thread from OM and your wife continues with this man? Very very poor reflection on her 'mothering'.

I believe you are dead on with the idea of replacing me. She is even telling OM how much our son likes him and wants to hang out with him, neither of which I believe is true. She had my son getting on the game and friended OM. I told my son I do not want him on this game because mom is involved with a lot of unhealthy drama. So far, son has stayed off the game.

I have been to the police on a off-the-record basis. Reason being I didn't want to expose the fact I was recording the chats just yet. I've had two different police figures (one an officer at the station in town, the other an ex-deputy chief from another town whom I know) tell me I should get a restraining order for me and son against this guy yet when I went to courthouse to inquire, they said I can't get one on behalf of my son. I probably need some legal help on this matter.

And are you ever right about this reflecting on her mothering. She writes off the phone call incident to him defending her. She doesn't know that I know about the bullet threat.

As a parent, you can get a restraining order on behalf of your son (he cannot do this for himself due to his age), however I suspect the courts meant that you did not have enough reason to do so? Or you spoke to someone who was an idiot, lol.

Report the threat, press charges, and that will involve an immediate no-contact order including your home and employment.

Your other option is separation and a no paramour clause if it exists in your state. However, that does involve filing for separation and custody.

Your WW is displaying horrific parenting. Your son should be told the (age-appropriate) truth. Does he believe this is just a 'friend'? He is old enough to draw his own conclusions and knows something is wrong, let him know the truth so he does not blame himself.

You need to expose this adultery to your son immediately. He's plenty old enough to understand that his mother is acting in a very inappropriate manner. Tell him who it is as well. That should nip in the bud any friendship your WW hopes to establish with this POS. Of course, do all this in an age appropriate way.

Also, next time she texts this guy in your house simply inform her she is not allowed to carry on her adultery in your house, and if she persists, then take the phone and destroy it. Then, after you calm down, offer to go the next day and buy her a new phone, but install eblaster before handing it to her.

Big bad boy when he's 1500 miles away. Typical cowardly actions.

Doug, please go read the thread in my signature about exposure. Can you find the OM on facebook?

I wonder if he is married?

p.s. I would also tell your son about your wife's affair. This affects his life very much and he needs to know the full truth. Your son needs to know that his mother is willing to ruin his family over a big fat nothing. I would also expose the affair to all of the OM's family and friends if you can find his facebook page.

This really should not be a hard affair to kill. You should have no problem running this rat off if you are strategic and aggressive.

I am very concerned about you, Doug, because this is the only response I see where you address exposure, which is what you need to be focused on. This affair could be killed in a couple of days with a proper exposure.

You cannot trust that OM is D'd unless you have researched it yourself. Have you gone to intelius.com and looked him up? There would be a column listing relatives & spouses. You could do further research from there. You could also check the court records in his state, many have them online nowadays. Like Mel said, if he is on FB that is an incredible way to expose on his side even if he is D'd.

It does not matter if WW is close to her mother, if they live out of state, etc etc. Everyone needs to be told in one day. Her family, your family, your son, eveyone on OM's side, any other close friends or family. Just the fact that everyone knows will help to kill the fantasy of the A.

Please read the link in Melody's signature, come back and tell us your exposure list and plan so that we can help you tweak it.

Here is a radio clip of the Harley's telling children as young as four.
Radio clip

Hi ML, Yes, I have found him on FB... but his account is locked down so that I can not see his friends list. What should I do?

I know he is very close to his mother. Maybe I should try to track her down and give her a call? She is also a player on the game and I know my wife has chatted with her. I not sure that she knows her son is breaking up a family though.

I will go read your link on exposure, thanks.

He claims to be divorced but I need to do the search as recommended.

Partner, you need to do everything you can to get in touch with his mother, and you have the tools. Get on it now.

You can bet your last dollar that she's completely unaware that your WW is married or at the very least has the full story. You can blow all this up very quickly with a lot of truth. You get to that mother and all of a sudden her perspective of your WW changes immediately. Fantasy blown sky high. Then it gets real.

Bet on it.

Tell your son the truth. Tell him the man his mother encouraged him to 'friend' is actually a man his mother is having an affair with. Tell him that his mother and Bottom Feeder want to break up your family, and that you don't intend to allow that to happen. Encourage your son to refuse any friendship with this man.