Longway,

Thanks I have actually just shared your post with my husband I will see what he says.

Doing "whatever to try to repair it" should include listening to you and taking Dr. H's advice seriously. Be strong and stand up for your marriage. If he is remorseful like he says he is, he will quit blame shifting, and gaslighting you.

The thing is: if these Extraordinary Precautions (EPs) are followed, IF the marriage can become better than it used to be, you will both actually become very happy in your marriage.

My FWH used to practice IB and dishonesty, almost as a way of life. Also, he simply refused to meet my top ENs. Now that we are in recovery, living out a passionate and romantic marriage, he cannot believe how much he gave up all those previous years. He feels so much better about himself as a decent man, too. He has lost weight, is affectionate and caring with me, and now we have the kind of passionate marriage neither of thought could exist for us.

So the bottom line is that at first the EPs look like a laundry list of rules designed to discourage a person from having any "fun." But the truth is that it steers the marriage into the course it should have been all along.

Ikahead, are you two living together? Have you been through Plan A or Plan B? Have the affairs been exposed to his family and yours? I think your WH still sounds very foggy and the things he is saying sounds like cake-eating to me. To begin a true recovery, you MUST start with these requirements. Only after he has completed these, can you begin to work on the marriagebuilder concepts. I fear that he is pretending to try with you while still living a wayward life. If that is the case, you may need to prepare for plan B.

These are the requirements I had given kiss, courtesy of herpapabear
Extraordinary Precautions

Have you considered calling the coaching center? Kiss finally made the appointment and we are speaking to Steve Harley on Tuesday. Hey! I just realized that I'll have spoken to 3 of the Harleys all in one week. Cool!

Hi RQ,

Yes we are living together, we never did separate and I guess I am now currently in Plan A. I did not expose the affairs to our families. To be honest I was scared that would be the thing that pushed him further away at that time. On D-day and afterwards he was very hateful and said very mean things to me, at the time I took it personal. The more I read here and other places I understand that was just his way to justify what he did.

LWLFH, I talked to him this weekend about being more affectionate. I actually mentioned to him the idea I had read that one spouse gave their spouse a checklist to use every day to teach them how to be affectionate they way they needed them to be. He actually told him that was what he needed then. At first I didn't like the idea because it seemed as you said like a laundry list and I would think he wasn't being real with it. We will try it and see if it works. Your post gives me hope I can have the marriage of my dreams with more effort on our parts.

I am starting to think now (in the process of reading the thread never take the word of a wayward) I should just think of my spouse as an addict and the OP as a drug. If I think of her as a drug it makes it less personal to me and I can let go of all this angry and resentment I feel toward her. I know he has gas lighted me for years, now that I know that when he starts it again I just shut up and don't argue the point with him anymore I just stand firm in what I know is reality. Reality is the marriage was not as awful as he made it out to be and I really shouldn't feel as if I was stupid to believe the reality I seen and felt, it is he who has twisted it to justify what he was doing, his addiction.

Again thank you all for you support and advice.

Please read this because your WH's affair needs to be exposed.
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

lkahead,

I would absolutely require a poly. Require it as a part of your recovery. He has been deceptive to you for the entire course of your M, and I assume he did not 'confess' to you in guilt and remorse but was rather 'busted.' What would make you think once busted he came clean on everything he wasn't busted on?

I am no vet here but it seems to me that the advice to not bring up the affair afterthefact is taken out of context a LOT on these boards, as it is here. I believe what Dr Harley has advised is, once ALL information about an affair is on the table, once Radical Honesty has been in place regarding the affair/affairs, THEN you should not bring it up again (and I think he follows that with unless something 'new' should arise regarding the affair). Vets can correct me if I'm wrong here. This does NOT apply to your situation AT ALL. I (and other posters on here) do NOT feel like you have all of the information about these affairs ( or more affairs possibly). I do NOT believe your WH has practiced radical honesty with you in regards to his affairs. In fact, I don't see that your WH is remorseful, or ready for recovery. Your marriage seems to be better because of what YOU are putting in not because of what he is putting in.

I often beat this dead horse regarding a poly. I just see deception written all over some threads and I HATE to see BS's invest in recovery when it is very likely they have not been exposed to the truth. This will lead to FR (false recovery) and what is more devastating than being deceived and betrayed by your husband? Being deceived and betrayed, deciding to stay and put 100% effort into recovering your marriage, believing you are doing that and then finding out you are STILL being deceived and betrayed. Find out the truth. Put that to bed first, then work on recovery.

I would require a poly.

Here Polygraph Testing

I would also read these.
False Recovery voices of experience

False Recovery