Oh, and if she plays the "you are controlling me" card , tell her she is a grown woman and you do not have that kind of control over her. The only thing you can control are your own boundaries. And these extraordinary precautions are what it will take to keep you in this marriage.

JapanDude. This is exactly why there can be no overnights aparts. You must eliminate all the conditions that made the affair possible.

Don't engage in heated discussions about this. She knows you will cave when she gets angry. Don't engage. You are cool and calm like James Bond.

I hope you were able to keep from laughing. I hope you realize this is just a diversion.

To recover, you need to have completely integrated lives going forward.

How much time does WW spend with Hula training? This is time away from her family. There are many people here where competitive sports was the seed for an affair.

My thoughts too exactly. But she would not budge.

EXCUSE ME ALL TO HELL!!!!

Exactly which of the two of you did the "horizontal cha-cha" with a third party? She has ZERO say in recovery necessities, JD.

*** Gloves-off time ***
ng jd

Your entire problem revolves around the fact that somewhere along the line you checked your testicles in a safe-deposit box, and she's holding the only key!

Let me ask you this: Is there ANY set of actions she would have to take for you to basically say "Sayonara"? Get out of your head the fallacy that you have to be married to this proven cheater. She knows you're too cowed by the idea of NOT being married to her to EVER take actions to end the marriage, regardless of what she might do.

Here's how to approach the "nights apart" situation. (You might want to practice in front of a mirror before going live in front of WW.)

"Sweetheart, the FIRST time you spend time away from me overnight, expect a divorce petition (the one I should already have hit you with) at your dinner plate when you eventually get back! More tea?"

Man up, amigo!

How far do you push it? It's non-negotiable. The only person pushing is your WW. Stand up, yank up your pants, and tell her that this is how it's going to be.

First, you guys are right about me being weak. It's just that I did not want to break up the marriage when it seemed we were moving forward.
In her defense, she has been open about everything else.

We talked about it again, and she made some good points.
*Over the past few years, the only overnights apart have been my trips to the U.S. to visit family (about a week or two), and her short trips (less than a week) with her mother to Hawaii and Taiwan. Among my non-Japanese friends, it is actually quite common for the U.S. spouse to visit family in the U.S. alone or with the older kids only because of the high cost of air travel and difficulty of traveling with small kids. The "no overnights apart" rule would no longer allow this.
*For the upcoming hula competition, she offered a compromise. If we are unable to save the money to go as a family, she said that she could ask her mother to attend.
*She said that it is not a case of her "not trying enough". She said that she will have to work hard to show her face again to my parents (who know about the affair), she promised complete openness, and never to lie to me again. It's only been about 10 days, but so far, it looks like she has kept that promise.

In a nutshell, I guess, how do I explain that "overnights" are no longer OK when they were OK before? By mentioning the affair, I am just "bringing up the past" and "not letting it go". I could say that the conditions allowing the affair were "secrecy" + "overnight", and just eliminating "secrecy" is not enough at prevention. Is my reasoning right?!?

Compromise is NOT POJA.

You need to both be enthusiastic about the HULA competition decision or she doesn't go.
POJA

JD's approach:

For the upcoming hula competition...If we are unable to save the money to go as a family, she said that she could ask her mother to attend.

NG's approach:

For the upcoming hula competition, if we are unable to go as a family, YOU AIN'T GOING! Given your documented inability to respect your vows, the last thing we need is you shaking your cooter in a grass skirt, just for POSOM to show up with a pair of hedge-clippers!

Wanna bet on which would be more effective?

Yes, but am I willing to risk creating a deep fissure on this issue? She could walk out the door....

"In a nutshell, I guess, how do I explain that "overnights" are no longer OK when they were OK before? By mentioning the affair, I am just "bringing up the past" and "not letting it go". I could say that the conditions allowing the affair were "secrecy" + "overnight", and just eliminating "secrecy" is not enough at prevention. Is my reasoning right?!?"

You explain that in affair proofing your marriage, overnight travel has been eliminated. Of course you mention the affair when it comes to establishing extraordinary precautions.

As far as the hula competition solution taking her mother is NOT a solution. The rule is never spend the night apart. If her hula competition is more important than your marriage then you have some serious problems.

Stop lowering the bar, JD. You aren't going to recover your marriage unless you get serious about this.

Are you serious? She thinks so little of your marriage that she would leave over a hula competition? Then she should go because you have nothing here to save. This is a lost cause.

If my spouse thought so little of my marriage that he would leave over some stupid event, I would pack his bag. And that is exactly what you should be doing.

Since you're having a difficult time learning from your own experience of your wife's affair.

From here
Coping with Infidelity:How Affairs should End

OVERNIGHT STAYS
It's frustrating to get stuck on this one point when we have made so much progress. More discussion on "overnight stays":
*She said that IF canceling this event would mean regaining my full trust, then she would do it, but she knows it won't.
*She said that she wanted the whole family to come from the start (true), but it was just the financial reasons that kept us away (true).
*She said that it is relatively close (2 hours by bullet train), and she thinks that it is definitely "doable".
*She will make no more overnight plans in the future, partly because she expects to become pregnant in the coming months... (see below)

MY ONLY LEVERAGE?
Because our youngest turns 2 years old this summer, we were thinking of making another baby from this spring. Despite having the affair at the beginning of last month (April), she still intended to start our baby-making activities as planned. Based on what she has told me, her last cycle ended at the beginning of April, and so there is NO WAY should could be having the OM's baby (she also said they had protection). I cut off all baby-making activities once I found out about the affair, but there is still a chance that she is pregnant (by me, if she told the truth, or by him if she lied about the cycle). I'll know for sure in about a week. (It sounds like the Jerry Springer show, I know! )
Nonetheless, I am seriously considering "withholding the seed" so to speak. No more baby-making until I am 100% sure that I can trust her. As everyone here knows, an affair not only destroys your trust with the WW, but all our future plans, dreams, and hopes with my WW all come crashing to the ground in an instant. Although she is in her mid-30s and our window of opportunity is rapidly closing, I feel strongly that I must make a stand here.
Still, it also pains me that her indiscretion could impact our family this way.

I cannot claim mind-reading powers. However, if the cynical NG's mind were to be transposed into a WW's body, here's how this might play out:

"Well, I've almost entirely gotten him afraid of firing the "D" gun for whatever damage I care to inflict on him and our marriage. One more child ought to seal the deal on his D-aversion permanently! (Of course, a pregnancy would probably impact my competitive hula-dancing, but sacrifices must be made.)"

Uh-huh. And other than that pesky serial murder habit he was caught up in, Ted Bundy was a pretty nice guy. You're not really going to comfort delude yourself with this, are you?? She has shown remorse only when it works to her benefit. A truly remorseful wayward would be agreeing to give up hula dancing entirely if that's what it took. But they weren't okay before! You just didn't realize it! Now you know, friend. You are trying to recover a marriage that has been damaged by adultery - the status quo needs to be changed. This is one more consequence of her adultery. That's just how it is. The sooner she gets that, the easier your recovery will be.

Of course it won't regain your full trust. It will take much more than that. But if you are to stay in this marriage, there can be no more overnight travel apart. PERIOD!

Stop debating!

It will take 2 to 5 years for her to earn your trust, *IF* she behaves in a trustworthy manner, and her insistance on traveling does not garner trust. So babymaking is OFF the table. And *IF* you ever start recovery, that will take a couple of years. Since your wife won't agree to extraordinary precautions I doubt your marriage WILL recover, though.

This is off to a very bad start and I have my doubts. You are allowing a drunk driver [your wife] to drive the car out of the ditch. And guess what? Your marriage is still in the ditch! Here you are debating about the most basic precaution, overnight travel! That is AMAZING chutzpah! That is like allowing the rapist to make all the rules for recovery for his rape victim. Seriously??

You are on the WRONG PATH, my friend, and if you don't get this back on track your marriage will not recover. You are at a critical fork in the road and if you don't take back the wheel, you are staying in the ditch. You need to MAN UP and take control of your marriage. You have to drive your marriage out of the ditch. Do you understand??

You need to line it out like this with her:

What she is basically admitting, JD is that she isnt willing to take the very tiny first small step of staying home to even BEGIN to regain your trust.

She is flat-out admitting she won't even put on her hiking boots never mind climb the mountain of recovery. It will take a LOT of these tiny actions to reassure you - and she won't even do one!

She would much rather you suck up the pain and doubt and not ask for her to do any work to reassure you.

A wayward who is still wayward DEMANDS that you trust them, instead of doing the work to EARN trust.

They cant be bothered doing the work.
They cant be bothered being trustworthy

Its so much easier to demand it - or leave.

She's a renter in the relationship. A renter wont bother fixing up the relationship, because they aren't committed long term. Even when they did the damage. She will always have one foot out the door unless she is allowed to just what she pleases, without considering you.

If the idea of hula dancing pleases her, she wont consider your feelings on the matter.

And if the idea of another affair pleases her, she wont consider you either.

A refusal to POJA is relationship cancer.

She needs a 180 degree attitude change or to be put out of the way somehwere she cant hurt you.

(Sigh) I can see that all of you are right.
I continue to look for positive signs -- she agreed to everything else except "no overnights", she accepted "no overnights" in principle, she has become transparent, she freely contacts me whenever she goes out, etc.

Perhaps I am in denial. Although I have not given in on this point, it is shaping up to be a long battle indeed.
Like all of you are saying, it may just be a matter of time until things really break down....
But I will keep trying. Does that just mean that I am still in Plan A? In her own way, she is also still trying....

Bringing this to a head will likely send her back to her mother's place. The reality is that I am not quite ready to send her out the door, but maybe, after a few more months of this, I might.
Hopefully, my next update will be more upbeat.
Thanks so far, everyone.